Miliband: A Caricature of Incompetent Miserablism

gallery_guido (2)

After Peter Tapsell’s intervention in PMQs, there was no obvious need to proceed with the Opposition Day move to ban MPs having paid directorships or consultancies.

This is the Labour leadership’s move to get some votes out of the Rifkind/Straw sting.

Tapsell rose from his seat in all his opulence and warned that such a move would limit membership of the Commons to “inheritors of large fortunes, or those with rich spouses, or obsessive crackpots, or those” (to general delight) who are unemployable anywhere else.”

Hard to choose one of those categories to put Miliband into. He had a mansion tax inheritance, has a six-figure wife, is a political obsessive, a policy crackpot, and is employable by no one other than the Labour party. Harvard, maybe? He assumes so. Time will tell.

Cameron pointed out that the Miliband Motion allowed MPs still to have second jobs. And that the cap on earnings had been mooted then withdrawn. And that Labour MPs could still be wholly sponsored by a trade union under this proposal but the director of a family business would be banned.

Miliband offered across the despatch box to put a manuscript amendment to ban trade union sponsorship. Would the prime minister then support the Motion?

He was told not to be silly.

What a caricature of incompetent miserablism Miliband has become. Prohibit it or punish it, his first instincts.

He makes William Hague’s leadership of the opposition look Churchillian.

If a serious opposition leader really wanted to “restore the reputation of the House” as Miliband twice said he wanted to do – he would have said none of the things Miliband said. Nor would he have found himself chopping his position about as his colleagues made representations. And he certainly wouldn’t be wonking about offering manuscript amendments from the despatch box.

His friends and supporters both testify to his intelligence and decency. But the facts speak for themselves. He got a second class degree and he talks Manichean drivel about politics.

For instance: “The Tory party bought and sold by the hedge funds!”

What sad and sorry rubbish.

If it were true we’d have a single, low, flat tax on income, time-limited welfare, and full deductibility for domestic staff.

It was of the few times you might wish the noodle was telling the truth.

PMQs: Miliband’s Sixth Sense

The Sketch Team spent the morning drowning kittens to train for PMQs. Piteous sights and sounds we beheld, quite wither-wringing. On a positive note, we got through the carnage of Ed Miliband’s performance without a tear.

How the Tory dogs leapt on him. Tore at him. The noise (so chamber reporters said) has never been noisier. Cameron was on his best form for years and made a very decent joke.

“Bill someone,” Ed Balls had said last night on Newsnight, when asked to name a Labour business backer. “Bill,” Balls said. Bill who? It turned out to be Bill the chairman of Labour’s Small Business Task Force. Balls had just been having dinner with him, not an hour before the interview. Small business significance in the Labour cosmology can be determined by the fact that his name had escaped the shadow chancellor. Bill, Bill someone.

Cameron was laughing at him (and to be fair Balls was laughing back), “Bill someone! It’s not a person, it’s Labour’s policy!”

Several Labour MPs committed hari-kiri on the spot.

Continue reading

Inside the Commons: More Airtime For Bercow Critics Next Week

speaker-watch1

Inside the Commons, the four-part documentary which began screening last night, was first floated by SACPE (the Speaker’s Absurd Committee on Public Engagement). The Speaker might have assumed that he, as the patron of the project, would get the lion’s share of the glory and emerge as the public face of British democracy.

However, the programme was being put together last summer, at the same time Speaker Watch was covering – or uncovering – the row surrounding the appointment of the new Clerk and John Bercow’s descent into megalomania.

This may have informed the programme’s editing.

The first episode promotes Bercow’s critics, sceptics and opponents. Michael Fabricant, a persistent sceptic was prominent. Lindsay Hoyle, the Speaker’s deputy and widely tipped successor was showcased positively. But most of all, Robert Rogers, loathed, sworn-at by the Speaker, driven from office by him, was the constitutional centre piece of the first episode.

Kate Emms, the sometime secretary to the Speaker, and (rumour has it) also hounded from her job by Bercow’s relentless persecution, is featured significantly in episode 2.

Bercow himself had an establishing shot last night. Leaning back on his throne, brooding, exuding a sense of latent and, for those who follow him, malevolent power, like a medieval prince.

If Cockerell did get the hang of Bercow during the filming future episodes could be the most remarkable piece of television.

PMQs: Ed’s Weapon Backfires

Is it a crime to provoke a hate crime?

Will Ed Miliband find himself in the dock for stirring up hatred against himself?

Labour feelings about their leader have traversed a spectrum starting with loyal embarrassment, moving through incredulity, to pity, to despair and anger – until now, the more emotionally advanced are exploring the utility of hate.

It’s a bit late to do anything about it before the election, but the yodeling uselessness of the fellow is a crime against democracy. Continue reading

PMQs: Another Strategic Failure for the Brainiac Leading Labour

gallery_guido (2)

His core vote strategy rests on a Marxist idea that the country is groaning under a cabal of Etonian cannibals. That we’re re-running the Great Depression. That We’ve Never Had It So Bad. That the poor will be soon paying to work and selling their children to restaurants.

Miserablism doesn’t win elections any more than Marxism.

Are we really ‘a country of food banks and bankers’ bonuses’? One per cent of us, perhaps.

The way he talks about us “everyday people” England has the happiness rating of a leper colony.

And what must we do to be saved?

Miliband is no Messiah. Pious, yes. Other-worldly, yes. Crucifixion-material, yes. Redeemer of the British people, no.

Cameron played up some story readers of the Mail on Sunday will recognise. Miliband went to Doncaster. He couldn’t open a door, got bullied by small children and set a carpet on fire. It was beyond bacon.

Continue reading

PMQs SKETCH: Cameron ‘Frit’ of Farage, Not Miliband

gallery_guido (2)

Eye witnesses in the press gallery had PMQs as a Miliband walkover, but television – reality, that is – told a different story.

You can tile up a number of screens on top of BBC Parliament and watch – say – lesbian spanking porn while listening to Ed’s voice and you can try turning over the words “Prime Minister Miliband”.

And it’s true – he has an engaging private voice. It’s got texture. It’s got a second, lower register. He can easily, gently, get down there. “Down there where the money is,” as Bing Crosby, the crooning seducer, had it.

And when he uses this voice, as he did, to talk about the Paris massacres… To put it as strongly as possible: I don’t deny it’s not impossible to think of Miliband as a prime minister.

But before the lesbian delinquents had been properly corrected, Ed had finished with Islamic maniacs threatening our civilization and started in on the TV debates.

Face flying, finger working, eyes darting to and from his script, mouth ballooning, and the voice wailing up into the altosphere.

Prime Minister Miliband. Suddenly it’s like Unsinkable Ship. Something that’s impossible, and if it does happen, sinks.

Continue reading

PMQs SKETCH: Holy Warrior of the NHS

gallery_guido (2)

If the NHS is Labour’s religion, the immanent, unknowable reality that nurtures its people, Ed Miliband is its holy warrior. It’s an old-fashioned, unreformed religion based on medieval inspiration and badly in need of a reformation but it still has a mystical grip on the people.

It is a bit of a sect, and its jumping jihadist is described – even by his supporters – as something of a cult, but the current crusade is to honour the teachings of the donkey-jacketed prophet Michael Foot.

Like any jihadist, he doesn’t quite match up to the inspiration.

As an ideological warrior, he’s driven by power rather than holiness. He’ll do any damage to his beliefs, as long as it damages his enemies more. He talks in such sectarian language there’s no conversation possible. He’s totalitarian in his edicts. He surrounds himself with a palace guard or he’d be torn to pieces by the wider following. And he lacks a beard. No beard! With teeth like his you need a beard.

The transcendental nitwit stood up at the despatch box and accused the Tories of manifold wickedness. They must have been blind. Are they still blind? Maybe that can be arranged. Branded and blinded for their filthy blasphemies against the holy of holies.

Continue reading

PMQs SKETCH: Maso-sadism

gallery_guido (2)

Our prime minister introduced this thrilling concept into PMQs just now, an entirely new sub-genre of the mainstream practice. What an exquisitely-tuned sensibility Eton produces in these matters.

He had been mocking Ed Balls, quoting his plan to be “tough on the deficit and tough on the causes of the deficit.” And as he was one of the main causes of the deficit, this was an example of “maso-sadism.”

Exactly how it differs from sado-masochism remained a tantalising mystery.

Labour erupted into a furious communion with itself and the House. What did he mean? What was this fascinating variation that only the elite have access to?

The Speaker attempted to calm his constituency. “We all know what he meant,” he said in a world-weary way. But it was unlikely he did know. Maso-sadism is strictly a Pop, P2, Order of the Garter sort of secret from which the Speaker will always be excluded (hence his loathing).

Perhaps realising he had given away more than he should, Cameron corrected himself. (That’s level one in M-S.) He laughed it off. He meant ordinary masochism. “I always said he could dish it put but he couldn’t take it. But I think he likes to take it as well.”

Continue reading

PMQs SKETCH: E.D. Phone Home!

gallery_guido (2)

Good old Brooks Newmark, he hath done the sketch some service.

On a question about the inner workings of the penile system and afflictions of the testicles there he was, lounging behind the questioner in his paisley-coloured dreamland. He’s certainly […]

Speaker Watch: Lansley Wounds Bercow

The wheels of a Parliament grind slow but they grind fine.

Andrew Lansley’s evidence to the Governance committee this week is very damaging to John Bercow’s prospects.

The committee was set up to look at the Speaker’s (disastrous) handling of […]

PMQs SKETCH: Ed the Unready
Uncounselled, Ill-Advised, a Leader Surrounded by Fools

Up he stood with one prepared earlier by nitwits unknown.

Faced with prolonged Tory cheers, the ones he gets every week, he said, “Let’s see if they’re still cheering on Friday!” (Laughter)

The Rochester by-election is set to give the […]

SKETCH: Out of Touch Ed Canters Into the Valley of Death

Ed listening is a sight for sore eyes. He crouches slightly and goes very still, pointing his face at the questioner, concentrating his whole being in their direction. He may quiver slightly, like a greyhound.

It’s what people who don’t […]



Tip offs: 0709 284 0531
team@Order-order.com

Quote of the Day

Adam Spiegel, producer of Nazi themed “The Producers” musical says…

“Margate seemed a perfect place to start the promotion. I’m disappointed but not entirely surprised to see that UKIP are trying to hitch a publicity ride on the back of the show.”

Top Posts This Week

Guidogram: Sign up

Subscribe to the most succinct 7 days a week daily email read by thousands of Westminster insiders.

Facebook

Jenny Humiliates Natalie Jenny Humiliates Natalie
Senator Disproves climate change by lobbing snowball Senator Disproves climate change by lobbing snowball
GCHQ take tips from horror movie GCHQ take tips from horror movie
Happy International Polar Bear Day! Happy International Polar Bear Day!
Met Police Accuse Guido of “Collusion” With Press Gazette Met Police Accuse Guido of “Collusion” With Press Gazette
Miliband Speaks on #TheDress Miliband Speaks on #TheDress

Future of Journalism Update Future of Journalism Update
Hacked Off Rally Was Deeply Unpleasant Hacked Off Rally Was Deeply Unpleasant
Nazis Invade UKIP Conference Nazis Invade UKIP Conference
Farage on Course to Win Thanet Farage on Course to Win Thanet
Sadiq Khan Spoke at Jihad John Group Event Sadiq Khan Spoke at Jihad John Group Event
Government Blames Facebook for Lee Rigby Murder Government Blames Facebook for Lee Rigby Murder
The Hysteria of Hacked Off The Hysteria of Hacked Off
Simon Carr’s PMQs Sketch Simon Carr’s PMQs Sketch
Charity Fat Cats on £145,000 Charity Fat Cats on £145,000
Meet the Lesbian Tech Queen Meet the Lesbian Tech Queen
Balls on His Sexual Prowess Balls on His Sexual Prowess
Tory Candidates: EU Bad For Business Tory Candidates: EU Bad For Business
Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 1,778 other followers