Campbell Takes More than 45 Minutes to Explode

Everyone knows Bad Al used to make ends meet writing soft-porn for Forum magazine. The question is has the experience of the years since those sex and drink filled days made his saucy prose any better? Judge for yourself, here is the sex scene verbatim from his new novel Maya:

“She wasn’t wearing a bra. I reached down to cup her breast. She breathed in sharply, leaning towards me. I felt dizzy. I took a deep breath, my hand immobile for a few seconds, just holding a breast that had fed so many fantasies, so much frustration. It felt better than the best of any fantasy.

Then I indulged in another fantasy. I gripped the expensive fabric of her green dress in my two hands and I tore it. With a shimmer, the silk fell away to her waist. It was the first time I had seen her breasts. Though there were several highly erotic scenes in ‘An English Rose Abroad’, Maya had never been filmed naked from the front. Now there they were, perfect objects of desire, my hands touching them and my lips moving down to kiss them. I ran my tongue around her nipples and then into the valley of her throat and up to her lips. ‘Kiss me,’ I said, and as she did I felt both her hands on my shoulders, then running down my back, up to my shoulders again, as our tongues ended a two-decade courtship, circled each other again and again, till I sucked her hard into my mouth, and she me into hers. She grabbed at my belt, helped me open my trousers, then force them to the floor as she pulled me on top of her. My hands fell away from her breasts but I wanted them back there, to make that moment of first contact endure. I raised my self up so that I could keep my mouth on hers but also touch her nipples once more, than I moved down to kiss them, and as I kissed and nippped and bit, she grabbed my hair, tugged it hard and behan to emit little gasps, momentary bursts of sounds that said to me I was giving her pleasure. Her pleasure was now my sole ambition. She brought her mouth back to mine, then tugged on my shoulders and I was lying on top of her, the outside of my thighs touching the inside of hers. I felt her calves on mine as she locked her legs around me, our tongues danced around each other once more, and she was wriggling beneath me, her hands on my hips, then she was pulling me towards her, directing me to everything I had ever hoped for. I thought the walls were going to fall down as we stroked and screamed our way through hours of pleasure to the union for which my whole life had been a preparation.”

So it took more than 45 minutes to explode then…

+++ UK Preliminary 4Q GDP Anaemic +0.1%, -3.2% On Year +++

A rounding error rather than an end to recession…

UPDATE : Reflect that we have had £200 billion of quantitative easing and all we get is this – most of that went on giving foreign gilt investors an exit rather than bank loans to enterprises.  Subtract the mirage of the Keynesian car scrappage scheme from the figures and we are really still in recession.

Reid on Football, Debts and Presbyterians

Now Gordon has taken to lecturing football clubs about  the importance of financial prudence and in particular not running up debts, it seems timely to reflect on what John Reid has to say about these matters.  The former hard man of the cabinet may not be a fan of Gordon, but he knows a bit about football club management since he is now the chairman of Celtic F.C., he says

“If you start getting into a position where you are running up debts that you cannot afford, spending money you don’t have, it is the road not to success but to ruin.”

He also said “If you want a boring crowd of Holy Willies, go to the other side of the city.” The “Holy Willies” is a term taken from a Robert Burns poem about Presbyterian hypocrisy and self-righteousness.  The  “other side of the city” means Rangers, who are based in Ibrox, which was part of the old Burgh of Govan… where one James Gordon Brown was born.  Reid has vowed to speak no ill of the PM, so these allegories are entirely coincidental…

Football Clubs Better Placed than Government

Paul Waugh tweeted from the PM’s press conference this morning

“I can’t type for laughing. Gordon is attacking football clubs for jacking up debts beyond their income.”

So Guido thought a bit of evidence based blogging in order:

Manchester United, the red team led by Alex Ferguson, a Labour supporting Scot, is having a difficult time yet managed to sell off an asset (Ronaldo) and show a profit of £78 million on revenue of £278 million.

This disunited government, a red team managed by Gordon Brown, a Labour Party leading Scot, failed to cut expenditure and as a result has a deficit of some £180 billion on tax revenues of £465 billion.

It just isn’t funny.  Gordon is in no position to lecture the football clubs on financial management.

Guy News : UKIP Burqa Infiltrator

Is this a new media first? Guido has broken a story on YouTube – Lord Evil reveals who the next chairman of the Lobby is going to be. You watched it on Guy News first. Guidogram subscribers saw this broadcast last week…

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Pill Popping Bad Al Campbell Depressed by Gordon

Bad Al can’t stop doing two things: plugging his books and lying. On his blog he is gearing up yet again to try dent that warehouse full of unsold copies of his redacted and spun diaries – “Stand by for a special offer we are launching here soon using The Blair Years to raise money for the Labour Party.” Al’s encouraging people to take a very partial inside look at Labour’s darkest most deceitful years.  Given the spin-meister’s book is widely available in remainder bins for £1 that might not help much towards the £10 million Labour needs.

Either Campbell is an idiot or he has a wonderful sense of irony.

This weekend he had a cup of tea and a chat with The Times.  Janice Turner was treated to a spin round his poster collection, fed some casual lies about Campbell not realising his Chilcot evidence would be televised, and she even had to put up with him whining about his depression again:

“He had a major bout last summer, a lesser one a month ago. Only then does he resort to medication. He has learnt to carry on with work, while cancelling a few social things…”

Last summer? Just after the Labour Party finished fifth in the European elections behind UKIP? When Gordon was nearly brought down by a divided Labour Party? Are his mood swings correlated with the the inner workings of the Labour Party? A small bout last month – well Labour didn’t have a great month in December.  Gordon cursed Copenhagen and embarrassed himself and the nation by being forced out of the closet by Al Gore. Straight after Christmas he was faced with yet another coup attempt.  Bad Al says he is advising Gordon – he was uncharacteristically quiet that week – was he properly dosed up?  (Al, not Gordon)  Guido fears the election defeat the Labour Party are crawling towards might just tip him into the abyss…

Chaytor Alleged to Have Falsified ‘Consultancy’ Invoices

Guido wonders when David Chaytor will be charged.  Allegations are piling up against him.  This morning the Telegraph has testimony that Chaytor falsified invoices for expense claims.

  • We knew already that he claimed for a phantom mortgage.  He says that was an oversight because he was busy and his mother was ill.
  • The Sunday Times revealed that Chaytor drew up a tenancy agreement with his daughter using her middle name instead of her surname.
  • HIs published expenses reveal that he used the same name-change trick to pay his daughter Sarah £5,000 from his Commons office allowances while she was a student.

The CPS needs to move, no matter if there is an election in the offing.  Justice delayed is justice denied.

Rich & Mark’s Monday Morning View

Sunday Sleaze

Sunday Sleaze

David Chaytor, the soon to be former MP for Bury North, drew up a tenancy agreement with his daughter but disguised their relationship by giving her middle name as her surname.  That is deception.  That cannot be spun as an […]

+ READ MORE +

Guy News : Out Now to Guidogram Subscribers

This week’s Guy News exclusively reveals who is to be the new chairman of the Lobby.

Guido sent Emily Nomates undercover in a Burqa to see UKIP leader Lord Pearson. No really, he thought he was being interviewed by Al […]

+ READ MORE +

Saturday Seven-Up

7upIf you were not one of the 55,172 visitors viewing 340,150 pages over the last seven days, here are the seven most popular stories (in order of popularity) that you missed:

[…]

+ READ MORE +

Osborne Misled Today Show

On the Today programme this morning Osborne described claims that the Tories would increase road tax to pay for tax breaks for married couples as “bizarre”, saying “it bears no reality to our thinking in this area”.

Hold on, […]

+ READ MORE +



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