Despite having his reputation decimated in SW1, the damning bullying investigation into John Bercow left him remarkably “un-cancelled” from his jobs and positions, from university professorships to his JLA speaking gig. Guido has a feeling a right-winger would have suffered far more had a report found them to be a serial liar and bully…

On the day the report was published, Tory MP Caroline Johnson suggested one course of action:

“There are a number of records of Mr Bercow’s period in office throughout the building, which must be seen on a potentially daily basis by his victims. In light of this report and the need to set history in context, is there any intention on the part of Mr Speaker or the Speaker’s Office to put explanatory plaques alongside them—for example, next to Mr Bercow’s portrait in Speaker’s House?”

In a similar vein, one co-conspirator spotted that, in the Peers’ staircase in parliament, there is a section of wall dedicated to former speakers’ coats of arms. One piece of masonry has already gilded, their fear being it had been done so in anticipation of Mr Bercow’s addition.

Concerned, and hoping to prevent an egregious waste of taxpayers’ money on such a memorial, Guido endeavoured to get clarification for the co-conspirator. He now learns that only those Speakers who have been given a peerage will be added to the wall, meaning Bercow doesn’t, and will never, qualify. As an extra precaution, the gold-painted space is well over five feet above the ground, meaning Bercow can’t sneak in and paint it himself…