But this week we will make an exception. Please send Guido copies of election leaflets. Preferably via email (scanned or whatever), alternatively fax it (remember it will be black and white). Guido particularly likes the Respect party leaflets with “Trots in Veils”, you know Eileen O’Connor wearing a veil, Mandy Smith with a Hijab etc.

Email : guido.fawkes@Order-Order.com
Fax : 0709 201 2337

The mess that is the Home Office must surely mean that in the post-election reshuffle “Chucky” Clarke gets to spend more time with his cock, (he keeps chickens you know). As one wit suggested in the comments, it is a big job, it requires a big political figure – so give it to Gordon, maybe make Alastair Darling chancellor?

The Easter Weekend Caption Competition was won by Anonymous, and a Co-Conspirator T-shirt is in the post to him (or possibly to her). You can buy your own here. Amusing wits can win one by making the best comment of the month and/or passing on the juciest gossip. If you are devious, but wish nevertheless to be admired for your wit and inside knowledge, you could buy one and simply pretend you won it.

However obtained, please wear them in an ironic fashion around parliament – it will make Guido laugh.

UPDATE : Home Office confirms investigating the case of the Somali alleged to have killed WPC Sharon Beshenivsky.

A nervy Sky presenter just interrupted Labour’s Geraldine Smith MP in full flow with “and we stress that these are only allegations…” This media-dam is going to break.

Cheque books are being waved by tabloid journalists at luscious Labour lovelies and harassed civil servants… developing.

UPDATE : The Sky headline was “Prescott Back On The Job”

Guido is willing to give Nick Robinson the benefit of the doubt when he says “I’m not covering up for Prescott!“ if he explains what the, errm, hypothetical of course, position is in the event that another Prescott mistress were to be revealed.

The Political Quiz Show to end careers begins soon. Nervous millionaires are consulting their solicitors and getting their stories straight. Theatre producer Sir Cameron Mackintosh is widely quoted as saying he was offered a peerage in return for a loan – he wisely turned down the opportunity. Yates is likely to add him to the list in his notebook.

Guido understands that interviews, under caution, will begin next week, tactfully after Thursday’s local elections. Rumour has it that one donor in particular may cough, if the right assurances are given.

Guido is lovin’ it.

As if the revelations from former Labour aide Tricia McDaid about Prezza trying to grope her were not bad enough, according to The Sun, Prezza made crude remarks to an air hostess about her breasts on a flight to Washington:

He is now said to have ogled air stewardess Helga Forde, (not pictured), and made her skin crawl by saying, “Lovely pair!” as she served him fruit.

Prescott, 67, was on his way to Washington from Heathrow with a group of top Labour politicians for a meeting at the White House. But he could not take his eyes off attractive Helga, who was serving passengers food and duty-free products.

Helga said: “It was disgusting the way he was acting… I stopped at Prescott with the duty-free trolley and he looked at some of the products including make-up. He told me a red lipstick would look good on me, which I thought was very unprofessional for a man of his power. I then went back to him with a bowl of fruit. As I asked him if he wanted any he took a pear and replied, ‘Oh, what a lovely pair’ as he looked at my chest with his beady eyes.”

Helga went on: “I worked as an air hostess for several years so I was used to the normal male attention on flights and how to deal with it. But Prescott took it several steps further and made my skin crawl… I have served members of royal families, famous people and politicians but I have never come across someone so brazen as Prescott.”

Labour MP Geraldine Smith says: “It’s as old as Adam – the male employer taking advantage of the young employee. It looks pretty appalling. It is taking advantage of a junior employee and most women MPs will be quite alarmed at that… What someone does in their private life is one thing – it’s between him, his mistresses and his wife. But when it cuts across into the public role, which in this case I think it has, it’s a different matter.”

Guido understands that Tracey’s unexpurgated diaries revealed a penchant for Viagra to put some led in the pencil when she was taking his dictation. (Old seaside postcard joke, but Guido feels it appropriate in this context).

Guido is concerned that the associated risks for 60somethings necking the blue pills were not understood by Prezza. Rapid vision loss within 24 hours can occur. The condition, known as nonarteritic anterior ischemic optic neuropathy (NAION), causes a rapid reduction of vision and can, in the most serious cases, lead to blindness. Clearly it led to Prescott being blind to the consequences.

Shed Seven’s “Getting Better“ with the lyrics “its getting better all the time”, is the theme tune for this evening’s Labour party political broadcast – which has dropped the cute Blue Chameleon and will instead cite Labour’s achievements, remember in 1997 when pill popping D:Ream sang “things can only get better“.