January 18th, 2013

Misery Index: Winter of Discontent

As parts of the country grind to a standstill at the first sight of snow, it is little surprise we are feeling sad this January. Detoxing, dieting, giving up alcohol – Guido calls them quitters – the New Year naysayers have been collectively bringing us down this month. Our increased misery may also have something to do with inflation being on the up, though at least unemployment is holding at 7.8%. Roll on February…

N.B. stats bods can check Guido’s adding up here.


  1. 1
    Emoticon says:


  2. 2
    Herman van Rumboy says:

  3. 3
    alexsandr says:

    commuting in the dark is horrid. wait till there is some daylight after 5pm and peole will cheer up a abit.

  4. 4
    EU Watch says:

    There is a ray of sunshine from the South East:


    Always enough to bring cheer on a grey day.

  5. 5
    Kebab Time says:

    ” Detoxing, dieting, giving up alcohol – Guido calls them quitters”

    How many “quitters” in Guy News room?

  6. 6

    To the group of twats lost in the mountains of Scotland

    What a set of fucking brain dead idiots , i would make you pay every penny of the costs for all the emergency service that have to waste their time looking for you fresh air stealing wasters
    personally i would leave your rotting corpses there as a reminder to others who think they know best

  7. 7
    Anonymous says:

    Unemployment is going up as well. This is why benefits payments are going up.

  8. 8
    Ah! Monika 2013 +1 says:


    It could have been 12.83

  9. 9
    Camera on says:

    Nowt to do with me.

  10. 10

    Guido giving up alcohol?


    I know it says gossip and tittle tattle at the top but come on! Give us something we can at least half believe in…

  11. 11
    Benny Fitz-Clements says:

    That’s why they’re capping my freebies. I’ve even had to cancel my second holiday.

    Mind you, last unemployment figures I saw showed the numbers falling. Are you really Ed Balls ?

  12. 12
    Herman van Rumboy says:

    Why don’t you love EU despotism ?

  13. 13
    David Brede says:

    Increases the need for Cameron to keep the hostage crisis at the top of the news and to keep the EU off it.

  14. 14
    Tony Blair says:

    I’m free, and believable. Interested in Sierra Leone public health policy ?

  15. 15
    DUI says:

    Giving up dr1ving?

  16. 16
    MALC says:


  17. 17
    Casual Observer says:

    So it looks like the attack on Amenas is having the desired effect:


    What is Cameron up to today ?

  18. 18
    Bear Grylls says:

    Don’t worry. There will be a pizza delivery man along any moment.

  19. 19
  20. 20
    Anonymous says:

    Unemployment is falling according to government. In the same time total benefits paid is going up as well, according to the same government.

    How can both the statements be true? Only way it could be true if part time and / or low paid employment is increasing while full time / well paid jobs are falling.

  21. 21
    The Freetown Cockney Rebels says:

    We think Tony is a damond geezer

  22. 22
    rebekah aka nellnewman says:

    People are so defeatist at the slightest hint of an itsy bitsy bit of snow!

    I’m making bread tomorrow and taking my camera out for some photography. If youngnells is OK we’ll take the toboggan as well.

    Life’s too short to be miserable!

  23. 23
    Office of the British Public says:

    Fuck off

  24. 24
    rebekah aka nellnewman says:

    At least you didn’t vote for gurninggordon – what would that have made you?!

  25. 25
    Judge Dredd says:

    Send him down

  26. 26
    Silent Fred says:


  27. 27
    MALC says:

    A c’unt?

  28. 28
    Nige says:

    Sign this petition to allow UKIP to take part in the 2015 TV election debates: http://epetitions.direct.gov.uk/petitions/43153

  29. 29
    The FibDemon party says:

    Was your password ‘Speedy Gonzales’ ?

  30. 30
    T'old Fella says:

    He is probably right in that they call part time full time work so the figure is really much higher, the benefits start kicking in but they don’t count that. Retailers going bust this month and maybe more to come, retail has been going through a bad patch recently, now it is hitting the big boys some Christmas sales up but wait for the next quarter figures. You might think pole dancers or male strippers will have a few vaccancies advertised in that government arm The JobCentre, any takers, *illy

  31. 31
    SLOTGOB says:

    If you’re free, how comes we’ve got about £ 100 million in the bank ?

  32. 32
    Ben Nevis says:

    I kill stupid idiots. It’s my job.

  33. 33
    rebekah aka nellnewman says:

    Yes have done that.

  34. 34
    The Kleptocracy says:

    Is it not the case that what is discussed between a lawyer and their client is privileged.

  35. 35
    gramma says:

    Feb 13 -March 30th 8illy.
    Guido follows Lent.

  36. 36
    Dave"The One Term Prime Minister" Cameron says:

    I’ve just seen a tramp shivering to death in the snow.

    “You look like you could do with warming up, mate. ” I said.

    “You’re not wrong,” he replied, through jittery teeth.

    So,being a compassionate Conservative, I pissed on him.

  37. 37

    With the pound at a nine month low against most currencies trade figures falling country sliding into a triple dip recession and we are about to lose our AAA rating . and Clueless Dave and Useless George at the helm
    i foresee another rise in the misery index next month

  38. 38
    T'old Fella says:

    Never mind everyone makes mistakes, even Guido, he (Cameron) probably Conned a lot of people like the unmentionable ones.

  39. 39
    Labour voting soshial worker says:

    I stepped over a badly beaten tramp the other day. My exact words were “OMG the people who did this really need help”

  40. 40
    Anonymous says:

    Government never publish full time equalant employed, one has to wonder why?

  41. 41

    He’s been pissing on all of us for two and a half years now

  42. 42
    T'old Fella says:

    “Guido is supposed to” being a good Roman Catholic boy, but call of the booze and fags is too strong

  43. 43
    Richard says:

    People on workfare aren’t counted as unemployed, which means governments can make the unemployment figures look better than they are.

    The Coalition claims that 500,000 jobs were created in the private sector, but it’s claims they included over 100,000 workfare roles in this.

    Private Eye also claims they started counting from March 2010, not May 2010 when they got into office.

  44. 44
    T'old Fella says:

    Shouldn’t that be “dammed”

  45. 45

    FFS it’s never him and always someone else
    Should read Officer in charge of Chris Huhne’s wing

  46. 46
    The BBC causes serious mental illness says:

    It is not over until the fat lady sings:

    Or in this case, the plant is razed ?

  47. 47
    T'old Fella says:

    They would find some way to tax fols if everyone stopped driving, maybe even tax blogs

  48. 48
    T'old Fella says:

    What is Hague for, he is the Foreign Secretay isn’t he

  49. 49
    Single snowflake says:


  50. 50
    T'old Fella says:

    He and Gideon are going to get all the cabinet to do that

  51. 51
    rebekah aka nellnewman says:

    All this fuss about snow! It was far worse in 1963 – nobody made a fuss about it then or shut any schools down.

  52. 52
    Sir William says:

    If the population of working age grows, it is possible for the percentage of people unemployed to fall, but the number of people claiming unemployment benefits to rise.

  53. 53
    Anonymous says:

    Or “demented”

  54. 54
    Putr1d Labour ruined my Country says:

    No it’s because benefits have gone up so much and whole immigrant families are also claiming.

  55. 55

    The Orifice of Chris Huhne may have to face more incursions before too long.

  56. 56
    Camera on says:

    I’l be on camera later.

  57. 57
    P says:

    I laugh at the very idea that Britain spent trillions of pounds during the Cold War preparing for a war against Russia, given that a quarter inch of snow paralyses the entire economy for days at a time. Even more ironic for a country that is obsessed about the weather!

  58. 58
    Anonymous says:

    Richard, 100,000 you mention are on full benefits (they don’t get a salary). High proportion of the rest of the 400,000 are also claiming some form of benefits / tax credits.

    Cameron will never tell you how many of the 500,000 people are net tax payers. Some might be on more than one job, as they are part timers. So the total number of new employed are even less.

    The whole system is a joke.

  59. 59
    Putr1d Labour ruined my Country says:

    Let’s face it there was no real choice at the last election. Spineless Dave, waster Broon, wimpy, lying Clegg, non critical mass Farage or the extremists.

  60. 60
    Sir William says:

    Guido’s not, I think, quite in the Keith Moon clas; a bottle of champagne for breakfast, with a couple of decent-sized glasses of brandy to wash the amphetamine down.

  61. 61
    Lamest Tweet Ever from T'Graph says:

    – However, it certainly builds the case for global warming, doesn’t it ?

  62. 62
    The 4 Options says:

    prick, c’unt, fibdem, loon.

  63. 63
    Casual Observer says:

    It’s far worst in Jordan right now than it is here…


    However, when our snow melts the influx of EU unwashed will likely rev up.

  64. 64
    Anonymous says:

    Sir William,

    Population between 18 and 65 is 38 million. According to Cameron 30 million are employed 2.5 million are unemployed.

    What happened to the rest of 5.5 million?

    They all cannot be students, disable or rich enough to stay at home. Also of the 30 million employed, nearly 30% are part time, many of them are looking for full time jobs or more hours.

  65. 65
    Englishman says:

    It was. But the issue these days are around transport: we are very much more car intensive outside Londonistan, and all our food comes from supermarkets that operat on ‘just in time’ delivery schedules.

  66. 66
    Sir William says:

    The pound going down is good news, if you are engaged in any kind of productive activity in the UK.

  67. 67
    Englishman says:


  68. 68
    Cameron Spanking Time says:

  69. 69
    Anonymous says:

    Not a loonKIP supporter but still want them in.

  70. 70

    Quite right, nell.

    I was in Birdham, for that winter, which is on an arm of Chichester Harbour. The water is half a mile wide at that point and one of the locals drove his car across the frozen water from one side to the other.

    Before the AGW mob jump down my throat, I would remind them that the whole of southern England was tropical forest only a few thousand years ago with crocodiles, megalosauri, plesiosauri and iguanodon as inhabitants.

  71. 71
    A thicko brainwashed ginger arsehole at Edinburgh University says:

    Jog on!

  72. 72
    Trebles All Round says:

    Gas market whistleblower sacked after accusing firms of price fixing…


  73. 73
    The Department of Meteorohoroscopy says:

    Ah, just you wait until 2050, you’ll be sighing for a flake of snow then! Oh wait – is that right? Er…..well, you’re all doomed either way. Doomed, I tell ye! Doomed!

  74. 74

    As I understand it, you are quite correct, Sir William.

    He does not use amphetamine…

  75. 75
    Englishman says:

    and operatE…
    I passed my driving test in 1963, in the snows, despite running the BSM A40 into the car in front while trying to park at the side of the Adelphi Hotel. Happy days!

  76. 76
    My Tinfoil Hat Is Chafing says:

    Weather, you say. But how do you know that the falling “snow” isn’t Russian paratroopers dressed as snowflakes?

  77. 77

    Iwoke up early one bright Sunday morn
    To see an old tramp eating grass on my lawn
    I shouted “i say if you’d like a snack ”
    “The grass is so much longer around at the back”

  78. 78
    Krokodil says:

    On an Aussie jolly, isn’t he?

  79. 79


    Excellent article by Alеx Wіckhаm in The Commentator. Kudos sir.

  80. 80
    fnar fnar says:

    How they used to deal with the wrong kind of snow:

  81. 81
    Blowing Whistles says:

    To all and of anony’s – the whole system is a joke – how about this

    It amazes me how year after year Governments (and the pitiful legions of financial hacks) trot out ‘average earnings’.

    In simple – you have say 10 people earning. one of them is a big over paid CEO – who gets say £500,000 PA. Then say there are the other nine who together bring in £500,000 PA. Each earns @£55,000. So ten people earn £1 million. – Divide a million by ten and you get £100,000

    How the average earnings indexs are manipulated – yet so many of the public fail to clock it and are fed it by the ‘free press’. [The above is of course a simplified version]

  82. 82
    P l e b says:

    £1.8bn fines and orders outstanding

    4:11pm Friday 18th January 2013
    Press Association 2013

    Nearly £2 billion in court fines and confiscation orders remains unpaid, new figures show, and the Government has admitted it needs to do more to tackle the debt.

    The total value of outstanding fines and orders imposed at the end of the 2011-2012 period was £1.8 billion. Meanwhile, a total of just £484 million was collected from offenders in the period.

    More government ineptitude

  83. 83
    Blowing Whistles says:

    The ptb are actively attempting to slowly make things appear as is if all manner of ‘doom’ is just around the corner [Excluding the obvious pun of Gordo Brownpants lurking]. The EU Monsters are attempting to slowly ramp up the fear factor of ‘oooh no, nooo, not good to leave the EU!

  84. 84
    Another Engineer says:

    Mountain Rescue are volunteers.

    Someone, however, should have looked at the weather forecast…

  85. 85
    Anonymous says:

    reliably positive. and hurrah to that.

  86. 86
    Sleazy Tory Watch says:

    ‘Buddy’ scheme to give more multinationals access to ministers

    Controversial scheme which gives corporations privileged government access to be extended to a total of up to 80 firms

  87. 87
    rebekah aka nellnewman says:

    BobCrow would never let his union men dig snow!!

  88. 88
    Hang the bastards says:

    Among the first wave of “buddied” firms were some which have been targeted by campaigners for paying little or no UK tax, or making “sweetheart” deals with tax authorities, including Google and Vodafone.

    So, companies who pay no tax get a stake in Government, despite not contributing. In the parlance of the Tory pronouncements smearing and villifying those on benefits, this sounds very much like a something for nothing culture.

    “There are hundreds of thousands, if not millions, of people who have marched, written to MPs, gone on strike, protested and occupied over the cuts and privatisation which are devastating our lives,” she said.

    And the electorate, who the Government is supposed to serve, and who pay tax, are ignored. A nothing for something culture, perhaps.

    It’s not exactly a surprise. It’s exactly not a surprise. But it’s still the opposite of how Government is supposed to be run, and who it is supposed to be run for. And they have the nerve to talk about fairness as their policies are pushing up to a million more children into poverty – reinstating us as the country with the highest rates of child poverty in the developed world, as we were under Thatcher. But who cares about poor people of any age? They can’t afford to be buddies, right?

    The scale of the arrogance of this Government is matched only by its rapacious self-interest when toadying up to those with money.

  89. 89
    J Ferguson says:

    That’s the spirit.

  90. 90
    Rob says:

    I’ve just seen a tramp shivering to death in the snow.

    “You look like you need warming up, citizen” I said.

    “You’re fucking right mate”, he said.

    So, being a compassionate socialist, I walked past him, went home and wrote a furious letter to the Guardian demanding tax rises on the rich.

  91. 91
    Rob says:

    but on the other hand, the country desperately needs gay marriage.

  92. 92
    Rob says:

    a useful bulwark against the unfettered access offered to nutjob leftist political groups and ‘charities’.

  93. 93

    The leaders of 6 of the biggest councils in England met today to discuss cuts in the public sector,they were accompanied by their spiritual advisors,clerics from the Anglican church who you would think had better things to do like preaching the Gospel.It wouldnt be unfair to ask them for the CofE to contribute some of their vast wealth rather than going to the begging bowl of the taxpayer.The money tap has been turned off what part of that do they not understand!

  94. 94
    Anonymous says:

    With plonkers threatening to take GB out of the EU, of course inflation is on the up. You ain’t seen nothing yet!

  95. 95
    T'old Fella says:

    It depends which average you talking about mean, median (middle) or mode (most of) governments talk about averages but it they do not say which which average evenif they actually knew. Statistics are a good tool but it is like a bit like computers, rubbish in total garbage out, governments are very selective what they want included in their statistics so what they say can more or less be taken with a large pinch of salt.

  96. 96

    it used to be far worse ,a few years back , when i read it in the papers i was owed 250 quid from a scrote for 18 months after a court case .So i posted the article to the clerk of the court with a letter absolutely slagging the system off for it’s failing etc
    within 4 days i had my money

  97. 97

    We all need a swift dick up the backside to get us motivated

  98. 98
    T'old Fella says:

    On a jolly, he is supposed to be on some jucket or other on government business

  99. 99



  100. 100
    Blowing Whistles says:

    “Commissioned” and paid for by – The EU

    Statistics can be twisted for those who pay for the poll – Well blow me down … DOHHHH!

  101. 101
    Blowing Whistles says:

    Lance Armstrong – has OWNED UP

    Now it’s Tony F.uckeveryone else Bliars TURN …

  102. 102
    Blowing Whistles says:

    Do all manner of slithering, slimey snakes attend these Cobra meetings?

  103. 103
    Blowing Whistles says:

    I’m going to start dropping leaflets all over Eastleigh about this lying scumbag – every time I drive through the idiots village.

  104. 104
    Blowing Whistles says:

    Eastleigh – doesn’t want its village idiot to represent them any more.

  105. 105
    Blowing Whistles says:

    The next drought will be along any month now…

  106. 106
    Curly says:

    … and sleazer has a better fit too.

  107. 107
    Oy vay! says:

    Kindly stop spitting, and viper your asp.

  108. 108
    Snowballs R Us says:

    Excellent opportunity to teach her the difference between a snowman and a snow-woman.

  109. 109
    Airballs 4 All says:

    But not if you live overseas and are trying to make plans to get home for Easter.

  110. 110
    Fiona Gangio from Fulham says:

    So did I!! I learned to, er, operate automobiles with the lovely Irishman Mr Doyle from BSM at the bottom of Tottenham Court Rd. My boxy A40 was bright green – and I passed first time!

    Ah those were the days when an inch or two of snow was something to look forward too.

  111. 111
    T'old Fella says:

    Yes but what else?

  112. 112
    T'old Fella says:

    Nowadays they say it is the wrong kind of snow, I wonder if the present super electric/diesel engines would perform any better, they haven’t had to deal with anything like that, with electrics cold freezing weather works wonders with electrical/electro mechanical devices.

  113. 113
    T'old Fella says:

    You might have been reading too much government propaganda, they could be parachuting novice nuns or novice monks

  114. 114
    T'old Fella says:

    Come from spring onwards 3 weeks in a row of warm sunny days the warnings will come, they will start trading futures in water, London had better watch out.

  115. 115
    Anonymous says:

    I am puzzled, how can everyone bar one be a net benificiary, that’s not real life. What really annoys me are the captains of industry saying how good the EU is – but they are the ones selling, the ones buying are the opposite but don’t have a voice

  116. 116
    Clive says:

    At least something is going up!

  117. 117
    Callaghan Revived says:

    Inflation would not be so bad if interest rates were going up along with it, but this is stagflation.

  118. 118
    Callaghan Revived says:

    Both figures can be true because bennyfitz are going up while workers’ pay is capped.

    Pay attention.

  119. 119
    Callaghan Revived says:

    A better comparison would be between those countries who are net contributors.

    People vote for free money – wotta shocka

  120. 120
    Shampain Socialist says:

    Ain’t no tramps in Tuscany honey chil

  121. 121
    Climbat O'logist says:

    Oh woe to us for there is global cooling global warming global climate change global stuff soon to befall us!

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Boris on British Jihadis. Apparently based on MI5 intel:

“If you look at all the psychological profiling about bombers, they typically will look at porn. They are literally w***ers. Severe onanists. They are tortured. They will be very badly adjusted in their relations with women, and that is a symptom of their feeling of being failures and that the world is against them. They are not making it with girls, and so they turn to other forms of spiritual comfort — which of course is no comfort.”

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