September 11th, 2012

Grant Shapps’ How to Guide for CCHQ Team Reshuffles

Have you ever landed a fancy new job and then got stuck wondering just how you are going to reshuffle the team below you? Well fear not, internet guru Grant Shapps has just the solution for you. Watch with amazement as the new Tory top dog announces his beefed up team:

Deputy Chairman:

  • Sarah Newton MP

Vice Chairmen:

  • Alok Sharma MP – BME Communities
  • Richard Harrington MP – Campaign Finance
  • Bob Neill MP – Local Government
  • Michael Fabricant MP – Parliamentary Campaigning
  • Nicola Blackwood MP –  Social Action
  • Geoffrey Clifton-Brown MP – International Affairs
  • Alan Lewis – Business
  • Andrew Stephenson MP – Youth

With rebellious LibDem getting promoted, note Blackwood and Clifton-Brown keep their jobs despite voting against the whips on Lords reform. No such luck for Conor Burns and Angie Bray…


  1. 1
    Kebab Time says:

    Fell sorry for Conor Burns. he seems ok.

  2. 2
    Moussa Koussa's pet meerkat says:

    You really are one sad fuck.

  3. 3
    Brown out and pay me damages says:

    A shower of sh*te.

  4. 4
    Time for Kebab Time to go says:

    Agree, you really need to fuck off and die

  5. 5
    genghiz the kahn says:

    Many hours after Guido ran the story, the BBC play catch up. But then they forgot that Deadwood Miliband was snapped with one of the happy buyers.

  6. 6
  7. 7
    Moussa Koussa's pet meerkat says:

    We only had rain

  8. 8
    Moussa Koussa says:

    The DIE WITCH T-shirts are sold out everywhere. Guido can you find out if the company who make them will be completing another print run. I have 14 pre-orders already.

  9. 9
    Moussa Koussa says:

    Has TREVOR KAVANAGH been arrested yet.

  10. 10
    Freddie Fraudster says:

    A collection of non-entities

  11. 11
    jgm2 says:

    I can’t believe they’ll be too forceful about copyright so you could just buy some iron-on A4 paper from WHSmith, print ‘em on a colour printer and iron ‘em on some blank T-shirts.

    Be sure to charge a big fat mark-up.

  12. 12
    jgm2 says:

    Has Blair?

  13. 13
    Moussa Koussa says:


  14. 14
    Moussa Koussa's pet meerkat says:

    This cannot be allowed to happen. The BBC is fantastic value for money. Where else can you get such fantastic programming, news, documentaries, drama and a myriad of radio stations, plus massive online archive material for just over £12 a month?
    The British people are rightly and justifiable proud of this world-renowned institution, which sells its programmes all over the world.
    Yes there are lots of people in there who earn far too much, and in this age of ‘we’re all in it together’ this should now be reversed, but I have every confidence in the new Director General.
    The BBC also needs to curb its bureaucracy a little bit, but it is still a world-beater. We should celebrate it as a beacon in a field if advert-induced X-Factor Murdochian dross.

  15. 15
    Living in 98 percent white Merseyside says:

    A post about Grant Shapps. How boring. This will be my only contribution to this thread.

  16. 16
    Moussa Koussa's pet meerkat says:

    Please please don’t forget Piers Morgan

  17. 17
    jgm2 says:

    The BBC is fantastic value for money.

    So make it a voluntary subscription.

  18. 18
    Moussa Koussa says:

    Talking of Gwurant Shhnaps…You didnt have a thread about Grants Wikipedia page…Seems most of it is a load od Boll*cks, edited by “”himself””…..LOL

  19. 19
    SP4BS says:

    sold out indeed!

  20. 20
    Gordon Brown says:

    I am a big fan of the five knuckle reshuffle

  21. 21
    SP4BS says:

    I see that Mr Schnapps thinks we should take out loans to buy jetskis.

    How neoendogenous of him.

  22. 22
    lame & feeble says:

    Grant Shapps can jog on.

  23. 23 says:

    We’ll do you a deal

  24. 24
    Moussa Koussa says:

    Guido has also failed to note, that all the latest electoral opinion polls, published in the last 48 hours show Tory support falling even further than before The Summer Of Call Me Dave.

  25. 25
    ??? says:

    Is Moussa Koussa actually 81lly

  26. 26
    Axe The Telly Tax says:

    I thought you fired your staff via nokia. i.e. you chucked it at them.

  27. 27
    Gordon Brown says:

    I need 1500bn until 2015. Name your terms.

  28. 28
    jgm2 says:

    Who cares?

  29. 29
    SP4BS says:

    “trade your way to the USA”. what on earth can that be about.

    I’ll be watching Sarah Beenie tonight. Not for the obvious reasons. much.

    However, her programs do give you a sense of where Britain is going wrong. I used to think “property ladder” was crap without watching it back when the bubble was growing, but if you paid attention she was often pointing out that people were being dicks.

    “Double your house for half the money”. uh oh. that is actually official conservative policy.

  30. 30
    Woody says:

    Clearly deranged or waiting for the huge BBC pension

  31. 31
    Koussa Your A Really Thick Troll says:

    Has Mr or Ms Koussa “(I’m stoopid) still got their job writing shite for the Miliband HQ?

  32. 32 says:

    4214% apr. But we want it back at the end of the month.

  33. 33
    Axe The Telly Tax says:

    876543% APR.

    Fail to repay and he boys come round and break your fuckin’ arms and legs.

  34. 34
    Gordon Brown says:

    There was no bubble. The economy really was growing and I wasn’t just borrowing 2%, 3%, 4% of GDP during the boom years to pay the one million public sector workers I recruited back in 2001. It was all real. And it only ended because the banks wouldn’t lend even more money to people who had no hope of paying it back. And that’s all America’s fault.

    The entire ‘boom’ was real and built on sound economic grounds. The bust was entirely unrelated to the boom. Nobody could have seen it coming.

    Look over there – ideological cuts.

    It wasnae me.

  35. 35
    Mooser Koussa You're A Wanker says:

    Or the Kinnockios, the Tourettes Campbells, the Miliblands, the Blair Witch Project and the deranged Mr Brown Stuff…..the Balls Ups, the Barber Shop Quartet, the Harman Witch………………etc etc etc

  36. 36
    Moussa Koussa's pet meerkat says:

    I most certainly am not

  37. 37
    SP4BS says:

    Or he likes to see that scottish bloke with long hair standing about at the seaside when its windy. 9pm BBC2.

  38. 38

    Freddie the Fraudster beat me to it!

  39. 39
    Moussa Koussa's pet meerkat says:

    Neither actually

  40. 40
    Harridan Harmanhater says:

    Are those T-shirts referring to me ?

  41. 41
    Moussa Koussa's pet meerkat says:

    I thought we were talking about phone hacking.

  42. 42
    SP4BS says:

    Its ok, I’m going to buy a small fibreglass boat dinghy tender for rowing fishing pleasure, off ebay.

  43. 43 says:

    You are mistaking us for loan sharks

  44. 44
    Wotta Tossa says:

    Glad you’re awake to notify us of this startling new fact. Thought from your scintillating post at 13 that you had fallen asleep.

  45. 45
    National Socialist says:

    I think it is the twilight of Dave now

  46. 46
    SP4BS says:

    I’m not going to need a bigger boat.

  47. 47
    Shall I go or shall I stay says:

    Shapps is the cousin of Mick Jones, a former member of punk rock band The Clash.

  48. 48
    jgm2 says:

    I thought Piers Morgan was in the frame for that.

  49. 49
    National Socialist says:


  50. 50
    Moussa Koussa's pet meerkat says:

    jgm2 I really do hope so

  51. 51
    Rupert my Hero says:

    How many MPs have committed Adultery… Statistics Please.

  52. 52
    Newton's Cradle says:

    Sarah Newton is a Europhile.

    I know this to be true as she told me so.

    Horrible woman.

Seen Elsewhere

100 Tories to Rebel on Plain Packs | Telegraph
May 2015 and the Art of Political Betting | MAY2015
Fate of Eurozone Rests in Hands of Videogame Expert | TechnoGuido
UKIP After Farage | Asa Bennett
Eichmann Called on Arabs to Continue War on Jews | Speccie
Mirror Hacking: 50 Legal Action Claims | Press Gazette
Mandy’s £400,000 Tax-Free Loan From Own Company | Guardian
Why We Must Remember the Holocaust | Hugo Rifkind
“Adjustments” Not Cuts | Gary Gibbon
The New Puritans | Alex Wickham
British Minister in Watch Gaffe | Straits Times

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