June 6th, 2012

End of Piers’ Show

When Piers Morgan began his gig at CNN he told us: “judge me after a year”. Well time is up and the viewers have spoken, with ratings for his beleaguered talk show plummeting by over 50% after twelve months. Over the last month Piers averaged just 395,000 viewers, even hitting an axe-worthy all-time low of 39,000 in the crucial 25-54 age group. His Jubilee coverage this weekend may have given him an undeserved upward ratings blip. It was so cringe-making it was the butt of jokes from Jon Stewart. 

And it isn’t just viewing figures that are cause for concern for Morgan and his bosses. With Jeremy Paxman royally landing him in it at Leveson last month it is expected that Piers will be recalled for a second chat with Brian and Mr Jay. This time he won’t get away with plugging his book via video-link.

A year ago Piers would never have thought he’d be fighting for his job on two fronts. Guido wonders whether it will be ratings or phone-hacking that forces CNN’s hand. Let’s judge it in a year’s time…


  1. 1
    Trust me says:

    I wont be shedding tears for Piers!

  2. 2
    Rage Against the Politcal Elite says:

    Even the American TV watchers are starting Wake up from the BULL SHIT

  3. 3
    Rage Against the Politcal Elite says:

    Are you sure that isn’t Tyres for Tara

  4. 4
    Col Nut says:

    As slimeballs go he even rivals Keith Vaz.

  5. 5
    Camilla Parker-Starney says:

    He won’t be able to do the show from prison, that’s for sure.

  6. 6
    Rage Against the Politcal Elite says:

    Hang on a minute. Does Piers have Man Tits like Tony? He lived in London for quite a bit. That Estrogen has a lot to answer for.

  7. 7

    if they need a new anchor, I’ve heard that ed balls is considered a bit of an anchor by almost everyone who’s ever met him.

  8. 8
    Tom Watson says:

    Why won’t Louise Mensch go out with me? Is it because she really wants to but is married and doesn’t want to be unfaithful? Or is it because I’m a fat greasy cock with all the charm of a a latrine? I guess I’ll have to just continue tweeting her every day under the guise of asking questions, when really I just want her to reply so I can wank off to it.

  9. 9
    Anonymous says:

    “It was so cringe-making it was the butt of jokes from Jon Stewart”

    How lucky Jon has never heard of you, Greedo.

  10. 10
    Ed Balls says:

    Your comments about me go too far too fast. When I’m führer, I mean prime minister, dissidents like you will be shot, I mean re-educated.

  11. 11
    Jannercide says:

    He’ll a good Human rights lawyer to argue that it is against his human rights and that he must be allowed to continue his show in prison.

    Guests will include Big Ron (who’s in with the wardens) Jimmy the snitch and The Two Sisters.

    I’d pay good money to watch it.

  12. 12

    He should do what Gordon did.
    Turn the graph so the anti clockwise until the Y axis becomes the X.

    Then everything looks amazing.
    If the US lobby are anything like the K one,they won’t even notice for 8 years.

  13. 13

    For Queen and Country do not sack Piers Morgan as he might come to live here..

    The US have a precedent of keeping our talentless, car crash media whores like Sharon Osbourne, Billy Idol and Tracey Ullman. Perhaps we can permanently add Piers Morgan , Cheryl Cole, Jonathan Ross, Paddy McGuiness, Katie Price and the cast of TOWIE

  14. 14
    Lovely jub-ilee! says:

    Did the government use the jubilee to sneak out/bury any bad news? Surely something was slipped by during those four days.

  15. 15
    Piss Organ says:

    Isn’t that graph upside down ??

    Or is it a graph of my sh8re tips after I’d pumped and dumped ??

  16. 16
    Sue says:

    My advice is to dial G for Gordon. Having his great friend the man who saved the world on his show should do wonders for his ratings.

  17. 17

    Look at those typos. I’m like the grauniafgthd$

  18. 18
    Tuscan Tony says:

    Next week: Jon deconstructs Rich & Mark and takes a wry look at Neo’s efforts with spelling and punctuation.

  19. 19
    Everybody Hates Morgan says:

  20. 20
    Ed Balls says:

    Good idea. At the moment it looks like a graph of what Gordon and I would describe as negative Growth.

  21. 21
    Scamp The Excitable Dog says:

    Ever noticed how the cabbage patch doll-faced c**t is so needy he Tweets his spectacularly incisive views about pretty much every trending topic on Twitter be it Joey Barton or the price of beans?
    His cock comparing competition with that other risible self-publicist ‘Alan’ Sugar being particularly cringeworthy.
    Surely now even Piers himself pinches himself every morning and wonders how he manged to blag this gig so far.
    Oblivion’s gonna smart him like a MF, and it truly couldn’t happen to a nicer fake war photograph publisher.

  22. 22
    Yvette Cooper says:

    All Balls and no cock

  23. 23
    Jon Stewart says:

    I have certainly heard of the excellent Guido, but who the fuck are you?

  24. 24
    Van Rumpy's Coronation Oath says:

    Guess how much we paid to the EU?

  25. 25
    Ego Trip says:

  26. 26
    Piss Organ says:

    I maybe a total twat but I’m a very, very wealthy total twat.

  27. 27
    Parsons Was Oh So Long Ago says:

    Now that has me feeling almost sorry for one of the least funny people on the British ‘comedy’ scene.

  28. 28
    annette curton says:

    See also: Insane blog modbot program tries to take control of the universe, experts believe memory chip accidentally soaked in Guinness.

  29. 29
    Drop a Daisy cutter on the BBC says:

    Piers should hand that graph over to the University of Norfolk, you know the ones who prattle out the bollocks over climate change, they will have that graph rising faster than a Cath0lics cock in a boys changing room.

  30. 30

    Shan’t shed a tear either – slimy, unprincipled, self-important twat.

    Get SiCo to bang his ring for a couple more million.

  31. 31
    Tay King-dePisse says:

    God forbid Piers had been in the States, covering the Big Story there, the recall election in the State of Wisconsin, an attempt to remove a Republican (in the US sense of the word!) Governor whose hard-line bargaining stance with State-employee unions in the name of austerity measures earned him the opprobrium of all the professional Lefties in the media there and sparked a nationwide funding dr!ve by his Democratic opponent. (The Republican won by a greater margin than when he was initially elected, in a larger turnout than he got then.)

    Instead, CNN says, let’s get the Brit to jizz his pants over some “pomp and ceremony” that, frankly, he probably felt he had to shill for in order to justify his presence at. Like his presence lent any “gravitas” to the coverage! More like “gravy sandwich”!

  32. 32
    Calamity Clegg says:

    Any item of good news is always announced by a LibDem.

  33. 33
    Drop a Daisy cutter on the BBC says:

    Shame they didn’t bury Bliar, Brown and Campbell.

  34. 34
    Anonymous says:

    What about Dr. Clarke?

  35. 35
    Durr... says:

    If Piers come home, will there be a charge waiting for him, and a prison stretch too I think.

  36. 36
    Mad, Bad & Dangerous Gordon McRuin ( Member in absentia ) says:

    A zero percent increase.

  37. 37
    Anonymous says:

    Why have they got a pic of Twatson in Nat.Acc. Helpline Ad? I always thought that creature was a mobile Dog Faeces.

  38. 38
    Geoff, England (not Britain or 'United' KIngdom) says:

    You have to admire his chutzpah for going out in public with his hair looking like that. What a 24 carat plonker he really is.

  39. 39
    Wanchors a weigh says:

    … anchor is by far your best typo today.

  40. 40
    Pundit Too says:

    Half a million viewers. They pulled The Unit series when it went from 15 million to 10 million in 3.5 years. Piers Morgan was always living on borrowed time – much like the rest of his life.

  41. 41
    Johnny Prescott DPM deceased eh passed eg past says:

    Gravy sandwich – now your talking my language.

  42. 42
    Try this Piers says:

  43. 43
    Spank Sinatra says:

    I shall most certainly enjoy his evidence. One wonders if he will be reminded that he is on oath.

  44. 44
    DiLDDO aka Dala'i Llama Ding Dong-Ommmmm says:

    I hacked into Piers Morgan’s mobile yesterday and listened to his messages. Bit of a waste of time really – all they were was:

    1) “You’re a Hunt”
    2) “You’re a Hunt”
    3) “You’re a Hunt”
    4) “You’re a Hunt”    

    Et cetera.

  45. 45
    DiLDDO aka Dala'i Llama Ding Dong-Ommmmm says:

    Windows system key combinations
    F1: Help
    CTRL ESC: Open Start menu
    ALT TAB: Switch between open programs
    ALT F4: Quit program
    SHIFT DELETE: Delete item permanently
    Windows Logo L: Lock the computer (without using CTRL ALT DELETE)
    Back to the top
    Windows program key combinations
    CTRL C: Copy
    CTRL X: Cut
    CTRL V: Paste
    CTRL Z: Undo
    CTRL B: Bold
    CTRL U: Underline
    CTRL I: Italic
    Back to the top
    Mouse click/keyboard modifier combinations for shell objects
    SHIFT right click: Displays a shortcut menu containing alternative commands
    SHIFT double click: Runs the alternate default command (the second item on the menu)
    ALT double click: Displays properties
    SHIFT DELETE: Deletes an item immediately without placing it in the Recycle Bin
    Back to the top
    General keyboard-only commands
    F1: Starts Windows Help
    F10: Activates menu bar options
    SHIFT F10 Opens a shortcut menu for the selected item (this is the same as right-clicking an object
    CTRL ESC: Opens the Start menu (use the ARROW keys to select an item)
    CTRL ESC or ESC: Selects the Start button (press TAB to select the taskbar, or press SHIFT F10 for a context menu)
    CTRL SHIFT ESC: Opens Windows Task Manager
    ALT DOWN ARROW: Opens a drop-down list box
    ALT TAB: Switch to another running program (hold down the ALT key and then press the TAB key to view the task-switching window)
    SHIFT: Press and hold down the SHIFT key while you insert a CD-ROM to bypass the automatic-run feature
    ALT SPACE: Displays the main window’s System menu (from the System menu, you can restore, move, resize, minimize, maximize, or close the window)
    ALT – (ALT hyphen): Displays the Multiple Document Interface (MDI) child window’s System menu (from the MDI child window’s System menu, you can restore, move, resize, minimize, maximize, or close the child window)
    CTRL TAB: Switch to the next child window of a Multiple Document Interface (MDI) program
    ALT underlined letter in menu: Opens the menu
    ALT F4: Closes the current window
    CTRL F4: Closes the current Multiple Document Interface (MDI) window
    ALT F6: Switch between multiple windows in the same program (for example, when the Notepad Find dialog box is displayed, ALT F6 switches between the Find dialog box and the main Notepad window)
    Back to the top
    Shell objects and general folder/Windows Explorer shortcuts
    For a selected object:
    F2: Rename object
    F3: Find all files
    CTRL X: Cut
    CTRL C: Copy
    CTRL V: Paste
    SHIFT DELETE: Delete selection immediately, without moving the item to the Recycle Bin
    ALT ENTER: Open the properties for the selected object
    To copy a file
    Press and hold down the CTRL key while you drag the file to another folder.
    To create a shortcut
    Press and hold down CTRL SHIFT while you drag a file to the desktop or a folder.
    Back to the top
    General folder/shortcut control
    F4: Selects the Go To A Different Folder box and moves down the entries in the box (if the toolbar is active in Windows Explorer)
    F5: Refreshes the current window.
    F6: Moves among panes in Windows Explorer
    CTRL G: Opens the Go To Folder tool (in Windows 95 Windows Explorer only)
    CTRL Z: Undo the last command
    CTRL A: Select all the items in the current window
    BACKSPACE: Switch to the parent folder
    SHIFT click Close button: For folders, close the current folder plus all parent folders
    Back to the top
    Windows Explorer tree control
    Numeric Keypad *: Expands everything under the current selection
    Numeric Keypad : Expands the current selection
    Numeric Keypad -: Collapses the current selection.
    RIGHT ARROW: Expands the current selection if it is not expanded, otherwise goes to the first child
    LEFT ARROW: Collapses the current selection if it is expanded, otherwise goes to the parent
    Back to the top
    Properties control
    CTRL TAB/CTRL SHIFT TAB: Move through the property tabs
    Back to the top
    Accessibility shortcuts
    Press SHIFT five times: Toggles StickyKeys on and off
    Press down and hold the right SHIFT key for eight seconds: Toggles FilterKeys on and off
    Press down and hold the NUM LOCK key for five seconds: Toggles ToggleKeys on and off
    Left ALT left SHIFT NUM LOCK: Toggles MouseKeys on and off
    Left ALT left SHIFT PRINT SCREEN: Toggles high contrast on and off
    Back to the top
    Microsoft Natural Keyboard keys
    Windows Logo: Start menu
    Windows Logo R: Run dialog box
    Windows Logo M: Minimize all
    SHIFT Windows Logo M: Undo minimize all
    Windows Logo F1: Help
    Windows Logo E: Windows Explorer
    Windows Logo F: Find files or folders
    Windows Logo D: Minimizes all open windows and displays the desktop
    CTRL Windows Logo F: Find computer
    CTRL Windows Logo TAB: Moves focus from Start, to the Quick Launch toolbar, to the system tray (use RIGHT ARROW or LEFT ARROW to move focus to items on the Quick Launch toolbar and the system tray)
    Windows Logo TAB: Cycle through taskbar buttons
    Windows Logo Break: System Properties dialog box
    Application key: Displays a shortcut menu for the selected item
    Back to the top
    Microsoft Natural Keyboard with IntelliType software installed
    Windows Logo L: Log off Windows
    Windows Logo P: Starts Print Manager
    Windows Logo C: Opens Control Panel
    Windows Logo V: Starts Clipboard
    Windows Logo K: Opens Keyboard Properties dialog box
    Windows Logo I: Opens Mouse Properties dialog box
    Windows Logo A: Starts Accessibility Options (if installed)
    Windows Logo SPACEBAR: Displays the list of Microsoft IntelliType shortcut keys
    Windows Logo S: Toggles CAPS LOCK on and off
    Back to the top
    Dialog box keyboard commands
    TAB: Move to the next control in the dialog box
    SHIFT TAB: Move to the previous control in the dialog box
    SPACEBAR: If the current control is a button, this clicks the button. If the current control is a check box, this toggles the check box. If the current control is an option, this selects the option.
    ENTER: Equivalent to clicking the selected button (the button with the outline)
    ESC: Equivalent to clicking the Cancel button
    ALT underlined letter in dialog box item: Move to the corresponding item
    Back to the top
    Back to the top
    kbpubtypekc kbenablemove kbenablesight kbenv kbFAQ kbinfo KB126449


  46. 46
    Expat Geordie says:


  47. 47
    Expat Geordie says:


    And your point is?

  48. 48
    Expat Geordie says:

    So how many people died because he published those fake photos? Think that we can get he arrested as a war criminal? After all, if Naomi Campbell can be a star witness in a war crimes trial then I don’t forsee any problems apart from grabbing him.

  49. 49
    Clarence says:

    Piers will look like smoking hot beaver in San Quentin. Will Celia understand?

  50. 50
    Don't forget f7 says:

    You missed a useful one, f7, which starts the spellchecker in Microsoft Office and a lot of other applications.

  51. 51
    Moron says:

    Moron will be giving Cowell’s knob a polish.

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Boris on British Jihadis. Apparently based on MI5 intel:

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