August 4th, 2010

Crash and Burnham

Poor Andy Burnham, try as he will, nothing seems to be going right in his leadership campaign. Despite basing his campaign oop north, last night he was all set for a big phonebanking event at Labour HQ, which all candidates have fair use of.

The volunteers were gathered, the scripts prepared, the pizza man on speed dial. Shame no one had actually remembered to book the room. Much fun was had by all though – down the pub instead.


  1. 1
    P. Doff says:

    Gordo cancelled the room!

  2. 2
    Schrödinger's cat says:

    Burnham? Bury ‘em!!!

  3. 3
    Dick the Prick says:

    Pretty good result all round, then?

  4. 4
    Hugh Janus says:

    We wouldn’t expect anything less from NuLiebour. Incompetents evey one of ‘em.

  5. 5
    Blue Eyes says:

    Phonebanking sounds vaguely dirty, why is such a sweet and innocent young man such as Burnham doing it in front of a big crowd? Sounds ideal to be PM, though, on that basis.

  6. 6
    pmt008 says:

    Who’s Andy Burnham again?

  7. 7
    Alan Partridge says:

    With that eye liner he looks like something out of Culture Club

  8. 8
    Nick2 says:

    Burnham. Burnham all.

  9. 9

    Culture Secretary club, surely?

  10. 10
    Guido Labourlist says:

    and we’re back to hilariously thin shit and the extreme tedium of the Labour leadership contest already

  11. 11
    zzzzzzz says:

    who gives a shit about this guff again

  12. 12
    I Remember You Hoo says:

    Hardly surprising, this is how they ran the country for the last thirteen years.

  13. 13
    Breaking News says:

    read this early today

  14. 14

    He looks like Pierce Brosnan…..

    ….with AIDS.

  15. 15
    Bayzil Marrsow dot com says:

    Nutcakes !

  16. 16

  17. 17

    He looks like an action figure of 007.
    Made in Taiwan.

    Pull the cord in his back and he has some stock phrases…
    “Death Tax..Death Tax”
    “Did I mention I’m from Liverpool?”
    “I’m not Ed.”

  18. 18

    He used to be in Wham.

  19. 19
    A po-faced hand-wringing ShamPain Sosherlyst, using the old, justifiably reviled, sosherlyst excuse says:

    But it wasn’t Gordo’s fault.

    Or Tone’s.

    Nuffin is – or was.

    It’s the wicked Tory lot.


  20. 20
    spud-U-like says:

    Faux outrage over “flirting with a 17th century British terrorist as part of a campaign” has spread through the American left.

  21. 21
  22. 22
    Gorgon, the Sheeple's Moron says:

    Och! watch yer wirds buddy!

    Ah Sav’d Tha Wuld I did!

    Ah Nursey, – ye hav’ ma 12 o’clocky meds?

  23. 23
    The Lobbyist says:

    Was it Lord Ashcroft’s fault?

  24. 24
    Ashy says:

    by the time the ConLib split comes I will have enough to buy 2 elections

  25. 25
    Doctor Proctor says:

    He’s the one who personally signed off Mid Staffs hospital foundation status, despite it having 3 outstanding mortalilty warnings.

    Up to 1,200 people are thought to have needlessly died as a result of the neglect they received inplace of care – some might say that Andy Burnham was in the perfect position to uncover & do something about this… but, of course, he failed to act – so wrapped up in Labour’s flagship hospital policy, such as he was.

    So, another Labour leader with blood on his hands?!
    Seems like they’re good at producing those.

  26. 26
    Albert Hall says:

    Hoots! Help ma boab! Jings and crivvens! An that.

  27. 27
    Still on honeymoon says:

    About the same action from this bunch of muppets .ZERO

  28. 28


  29. 29
    Schrödinger's cat says:

    Have you heard Peter Mandelson’s ring tone?

  30. 30
    The Republican Army says:

    Are you a freedom fighter Fawkes?

  31. 31
    Datum4 says:

    You have aids?

    To those of us without, they look nothing alike…

  32. 32
    Kubla Khan says:

    slash and burn em

  33. 33
    GrimeLord says:

    Rodney, you plonker!!!

    I hope he organised his department better when he was in Government, however, i very much doubt it, the usless C*unt.

  34. 34
    marcus aurelius says:

    Burnham and co may be dim but still not stupid enough to obey ze Euro orderz and sell gold at rock bottom, eh Prudence Brown?

  35. 35
    Obvious, really says:

    Thatcher’s. Like everything else.

  36. 36
    Anonymous says:

    Thirteen years of thieving LieBour cost me my financial security for my old age.
    Burnham’s puny & incompetent try for the vacant job costs me nothing.
    In my opinion all the applicants,whichever of them get the job,will prove to be another example of Peters Principle.
    The only good thing arising from this election is the probability of a long rest from LieBour (new or old) goverment.

  37. 37
    Charity boss from ferrari mobile says:

    Did you notice CamerHunts q and a yesterday was full of agenda monkeys,no one from the general population was there

  38. 38
    Hugh Janus says:

    I certainly wouldn’t bank on it. Don’t forget the fact that one of the contenders – the odious Testicles – was up to his armpits in the gold-selling fiasco.

  39. 39
    Tim Lovejoy says:

    Hi , My names Tim Lovejoy and i am a BBC legend who does not like Andy Burnham

  40. 40
    bring beck hanging says:

    We need more Fox News over here, and less of the BBC pretending not to be foaming at the mouth, hippy lefties. Much more fun all round.

  41. 41
    Sounds illegal says:

    Keep you’re strange gay euphamisms to yourself David Laws.

  42. 42
    Hugh Janus says:

    All those rigged NuLiebour Q & A sessions have obviously shown him the way to do it.

  43. 43
    Bio Weapons dept says:

    what the fuck happened. I thought aids would wipe out the fags but your all still here.

  44. 44
    Oliver Cromwell says:

    ” No”, but I think I’ve seen it in readers wives.

  45. 45
    P. Doff says:

    It’s probably a raspberry fart!

  46. 46
    Hugh Janus says:

    Another Eye reader I see.

  47. 47
    Backwoodsman says:

    Look on the bright side – you could have been part of the Mid Staffs hospital labour experiment , in which case you wouldn’t be around to complain about the worthless fuckers destroying your pension.

  48. 48
    Cato Street Conspirator says:

    ‘Thirteen years of thieving LieBour cost me my financial security for my old age.’

    And this one is going to take away your incapacity benefit and your free commode.

  49. 49
    Tick Tock says:

    Achtung Tories. You never won the election

  50. 50
    Anonymous says:

    Yeah what is the full story there marcus? Somebody should write a fucking book about Brown and the gold bust, exposing the little shit for what he is.

  51. 51
    I am the heir to Blair says:

    yep,new boss same as the old boss

  52. 52
    The Director General says:

    Tim Loveboy? I’d keep quiet about that if I were you.

  53. 53
    Grumpy Old Man says:

    It was all Thatcher’s fault.

  54. 54
    Controversy is my name says:

    The Yorkshire ripper should be released as he was ill, the European court of human rights will make it happen if the UK courts don’t,as they will class the brits as inhuman in their treatment of the mentally ill.

  55. 55
    Controversy is my name says:

    Yorkshire ripper

  56. 56
    dick cock says:

    But I became PM, and I live in No 10. Fuck you!!!

  57. 57
    from the messageboards says:

    if only they knew…

  58. 58
    Lord Blunkett says:

    It’s been said before

    The Coaltion Govt is actually getting on well – most if not all subjects / policies are discussed etc etc and an agreed sensible position established

    We don’t need an ‘official opposition’

    We don’t need “Labour’

  59. 59
    Controversy is my name says:


  60. 60
    Grumpy Old Man says:

    Hey, Tovarich, neither did you.

  61. 61
    Lights out says:

    fuck off to Bhopal

  62. 62
    The Population of the UK says:

    None of us did

  63. 63
    English John says:

    Piss up-Brewery-Organise-Couldn’t?
    And this tosspot wants to lead the socialists. Be about right.

  64. 64
    sockpuppet #4 says:

    tittle tattle eh!

    Anyway. wouldnt politics be better if it was done in a pub and not in a focus group call centre. if not better, at least not as painfully earnest.

  65. 65
    Breaking News says:

    er like the Telegraph was going to do,before the election,

  66. 66

    Just the sort of competent administrative type to take over from Blair and Brown!

    P’raps we can have a £10bn IT system to ensure no repeat?

  67. 67
    sockpuppet #4 says:

    But Dave did.

    (which is the answer to both 60 and 49)

  68. 68
    The Mob says:

    no it won’t as we will riot unlike when you were getting robbed you let it happen

  69. 69
    Flat'un Scruggs stole muh sippin whiskey says:

    Andy who?

  70. 70
    Lard Prezcunt says:

    Who needs Labour, I’m a phucking Lord now?

  71. 71
    hates Cats says:

  72. 72
    Flat'un Scruggs stole muh sippin whiskey says:

    or a restaurant? such as Granita perhaps?

  73. 73
    Lord of the Ringtones says:

    I keep it up my arse on vibrate. Lots of my friends give me a buzz throughout the daywhooooooooooooo there it goes again luvvies.

  74. 74
    Pub Crawler says:

    Yup – without doubt.

    And a proper smoking pub – so it wasn’t tainted by the reek of piss and Noo_Lie_Bore wimmin.

  75. 75
    Cops are useless too says:

    and the new ConLib are happy to let them get off Scot free for it as they are all pissing in the same pot

  76. 76
    MilliSquit's Pinky says:

    He never seems to get a grip on anything.

  77. 77
    Anonymous says:

    Natural leaders every one of them. They learn about politics at university, you know.

  78. 78
    Dan Archer says:

    With all these cloned cows about I’m very concerned for Iain Dale’s Dairy

  79. 79
    Coffin Maker says:

    spouts huge t*urds

  80. 80
    Andy says:

    This post is cancelled

  81. 81
    Girl Guides Law says:

    This post has been air brushed

  82. 82
    Anonymous says:

    Oi! Controversy! p a rranoyd ‘as gotta ‘h’ in it.


  83. 83
    The Overseer says:

    It was nature’s once-and-for-all-time answer.

    Oh well, back to the Darwin board.

  84. 84
    Andy Burnham says:

    This article is a travesty of the truth.

    We gathered together at our central phonebank and then realized we had fuck all to say and then we went down the pub.

  85. 85
    Death says:

    I notice on my list your down for Thursday

  86. 86
    Hiding under a flower pot at the bottom off the garden till we get a Tory goverment says:


  87. 87
    Rendition, Torture & War Apologist, David Miliband says:

    Mwahahahaha. Andy needs B£iarites money to buy the leadership campaign. The foo£ Burnham does not stand a chance of winning. He is just a puppet contender to make the whole campaign appear to be democratic. I££usion! Mwahahahaha

  88. 88
    Cleggy says:

    No he didn’t

  89. 89
    Amal Shukup, asian Elvis impersonator says:

    Thank you very much

  90. 90
    Maggie says:

    is Dennis here. Yoo hoo Dennis

  91. 91
    Gonk says:

    He looks as though he’s signed up for
    a time share without telling his wife and
    now trying to cancel

  92. 92
    Hiding under a flower pot at the bottom off the garden till we get a Tory goverment says:

    They are all fucking bent

  93. 93
    BBC says:

    Yes. Now pay your tv tax, peasant.

  94. 94
    BBC says:

    The NHS is the best health service in the world bar none. If you make any criticism of it it means you want people to die. Nasty nasty nasty party!

  95. 95
    Sir William Waad says:

    And there was my valet, poised by the telephone, ready with the 3/11d he’d found in his piggy bank for brave little Mr Burnham’s campaign. Dear Carstairs, he’s such a well-meaning chap. He always jokes that as he spends much of his time around my wardrobes he’s a ‘closet gay’!

  96. 96
    Caroline Flint says:

    I’d like to talk about inverted nipples.

  97. 97
    Schrödinger's cat says:

    Copenhagen interpretation.

  98. 98
    Sir William Waad says:

    Then it would be more of an out-of-focus group.

  99. 99
  100. 100
    Schrödinger's cat says:

    An inside view.

  101. 101
    marcus aurelius says:

    So if Andy Brnham Wood and Diane “Princess Leah” Abbott are running weak campaigns that means Liebore can choose between Millimossads major and minor.

    Not very inclusive is it?

    I predict a good turnout for Respect at the next General Election

  102. 102
    Rendition, Torture & War Apologist, David Miliband says:


  103. 103

    This cabinet has been bear rushed.

  104. 104
    Smig says:

    Ted Heath’s fault.

    Thanks a fucking bunch for selling us down the river to the EUSSR.

    The fucking gobshite.

  105. 105
    All's fair in love and politics says:

    So Dave’s going to crack down on spongers living in homes subsidised by the taxpayer.
    This from a man who claims £20,000+ a year for his modest hovel in the country.
    Chutzpah is the word.

  106. 106

    Caption Competition.

    Labour Leadership Conference prepares to announce the results on Saturday 25 September 2010. 3pm.

    “Hello..Oz cabs? Taxi for one at the conference hall. 3.01pm please.”

  107. 107
    Tim Lovejoy says:

    Hi , My names Tim Lovejoy and i am in love with Andy Burnham hes a pretty boy like me

  108. 108
    Smig says:

    Every wet behind-the-ears graduate i’ve ever worked with learned more in the first 6 weeks of a job than any time at university.

    They grumble a lot for the first month about having to use a broom and make tea.
    Teaches them what everyone’s job is :)

  109. 109
    Beano says:

    2005: Labour 35.2%, Tories 31.7%. Labour majority of 66.
    2010: Labour 29%, Tories 36.1%, no overall majority.
    So, Postal Vote fraud and Gerrymandering aside, yes we did win!

  110. 110
    Capain Kirk says:


  111. 111
    Fu**ed off says:

    Cllr Pervez Choudhry of Tuns Lane [Slough], who represents the Central Ward, was arrested and charged yesterday (Monday).

    The 52-year-old will appear at Maidenhead Magistrates Court on Monday (09/08) to face one count of bigamy.

    Fucking hell. These cheap tacky foreign imports just don’t know where to draw the line. Fuck off you dirty cheating bastard.

    I know where to draw the line. Dover.

    Fuck you!

  112. 112
    Peter Grimes says:

    And this pillock was a ‘Minister’ in the last misgovernment!

    He and Fat Jacqui Slag-Fivebellies just about sum ZaNuLieBor up!

    Completely fucking useless!

  113. 113
    Con Watch says:

    fucking cameron benefit scrounging twat

  114. 114
    Cameron is a says:


  115. 115
    Mandy the Unflushable Turd says:

    It’s true. I’m the Phantom Raspberry Blower of Old London Town.

  116. 116
    France says:

    You can’t draw your line there as we own it now

  117. 117
    Smig says:

    Of course we want people to die.

    How else are we going to reduce the public sector pension deficit, state pension and the exhorbitant cost of healthcare provision for the elderly?

    Should revoke the smoking ban too. Kill them off before they get to retirement age.

    Might as well do away with the seatbelt and drink driving laws too. That’ll knock the population down a bit.

    Outlaw Ishlam too. That’ll get rid of a few million ragheads.

    Anything else?

  118. 118
    Beyond Parody says:

    They say oily fish is good for you,so the Americans have a lot to thank us for.

  119. 119
    Smig says:

    Hahahaha! Get stuffed Beeboid Capita gobshite.

    Take your demands for money and stuff it where the sun don’t shine.

    If you knock on my door I’ll set the dogs on you.

  120. 120
    Miliband says:

    Can you teach me how to waterboard better Bill.

  121. 121
    Fu**ed off says:

    I predict a better turnout for the B&P.

  122. 122
    The rotting Corpse of Dennis says:

    fuck off you senile old bat

  123. 123
    Cop collecting tax on the verge says:

    If it’s illegal why has no one been arrested?

  124. 124
    Salesman says:

    I’m affraid we are unable to cancel the timeshare contract, you have signed for a full 25 years and have waived the right to cancel by purchasing the cheaper policy. Good bye.

  125. 125
    Dandy says:

    meaningless figures

  126. 126
    GrimeLord says:

    Less talk, any chance of a picture?

  127. 127
    Survivor says:

    just got back from a close shave on a cruise. ship looked like it was sinking and space in the life boats were a bit short.Some woman came up and said women and children first. Well there was no kids so I said ,That was before equal opportunities missus get to the back,never saw her again.

  128. 128
    Cast iron Dave,more like fag iron says:

    see not me.

  129. 129
    OO look at me I'm on the telly says:

    sounds sensible to me as all Dave does is hold focus groups on telly to satisfy is narcissism

  130. 130
    "raghead" says:

    Yeah, you could do us all a favour and top yourself…

  131. 131
    Armadinijad says:

    ha ha missed me

  132. 132
    Sir William Waad says:

    These are the days of miracles and wonders.

  133. 133
    Life at the top is the bottom says:

    I see one of Daves funders kids blew his brains out,self loathing

  134. 134
    D Militwat says:

    That is an outrageous slur. I never tried to block the release of any infortmation, it is just a malicious slur by the Ed Balls camp.

  135. 135
    BrokeBack Dave says:

    Is that why Dave is sucking Clegg’s cock ?

  136. 136
    Slough Tory Leader says:


  137. 137
  138. 138
    A Virgin's Treasure says:

    Hymen you say?

    WIGIG – as they say in Tesco.

  139. 139

    Only in your wettest dreams.

    Wait for it………

  140. 140
    Gurning Gordon says:

    Burnham is New Labour’s answer to Boy George..

    I suppose it had to decend to that…

    I am going to vote for Jim Garner…

    He is so dsicreet even his mother does ot know him…

  141. 141
    French Electriketu, Water, Sewage . , taunting, says:

    Actually we own the fucking lot of you – AND the FRENCH Channel – and thanks to EU Dave it won’t end there …

    We fart in your general direction …

  142. 142
    Sir William Waad says:

    There’s no need to collapse into a state.

  143. 143
  144. 144
    Jack says:

    And Mandy is Boy George in trousers…

    (Charlie Whelan’s line)

  145. 145
    Doctor Mick says:

    And by extension this tosspot wants to run the country.

  146. 146
    Goldman Sachs says:

    It pays ( us ) to have friends in high places. For the plebs of course, it’s not so hot.

  147. 147
    Brookey1940 says:

    Burnham wanted to impose mass medication (Fluoride) in Hampshire despite the vast majority of the public being against it.
    God help us if he ever got to power.

  148. 148
    Bob the Builder says:

    That is a good description of Blinky Testicules’ Campaign…

    Thanks to Guido spacing him out…

    It is thoroughly and irremediably out of focus…

    Get back into focus, Blinky

    We still want you to win…

  149. 149
    Why do people vote Labour says:

    They should give him a cock shaped phone. Hopefully he’ll end up with a sticky ear.

  150. 150
    Where the sun don't shine says:


  151. 151
    Smig says:

    I went fishing and caught me a politically correct numpty.

  152. 152
    Doctor Mick says:

    He looks like a ringer for Gary Numan

  153. 153
    Why do people vote Labour says:

    I wonder if he has the glued on underpants too, fear of recurrence of arse injected death?

  154. 154
    I am Sick says:

    Well the “new politics” lasted a couple of months before business as usual. I expect all the old crap Labour were pedaling prior to the last election, will resurface over the coming months as “new dynamic thinking” re-branded coalition crap. It’s becoming a where do you want the vomit competition, on your shoes or on your lap?

  155. 155
    In the area between verwood and fordingbridge. says:

    Funny you should say that as I was in Hamps last week and asked some waterboard chaps what they were doing and got told Fluoride distribution ,apparently it has to be added locally due to coating problems.

  156. 156
    AC1 says:

    Only explanation is there was a gay cabal running the state who pumped much more money into keeping gays alive than non-gays.

  157. 157
    Bob the Builder says:

    Toilets will be happy

    Sitting in “democratic” socialist Cuba

  158. 158
    James Purnell says:

    When we used to share a flat, Andy used to ███ █████ the ███ under a ███ with a ███ █████

  159. 159
    Why do people vote Labour says:

    Clegg and the Dib Lems will end up dumped like one of Jordan’s exes in the next 18 months – and Dave will probably say they were all crap in bed too. Hmm that is true – they’re only interested if it involves cottaging, rent boys or something else weird.

  160. 160
    Why do people vote Labour says:

    money or sex?

  161. 161
    Frog Lord says:

    soon it will be the county of esseux

  162. 162
    Dennis Healey says:

    Darling, could you put the kettle on…

    …oh dear.

  163. 163
    Why do people vote Labour says:

    You frighten me love, every time I see that gap in your teeth I remember when I was five and caught my winky in my zipper.

  164. 164
    Mrs Slocombe says:

    Tired Pussy Joke #27

  165. 165
    Andy Burnham says:

    Happy birthday darling I’ve bought you some new lingerie…

    …oh sorry, I forgot.

  166. 166
    AC1 says:

    the civil service is the Opposition (to the people of the country).

  167. 167
    I kidd you not says:

    In college Andy had a hat that he stuck his hair to with setting gel,he would sleep in it and get up with that hey presto hairstyle,look close you can see the hat.

  168. 168
    mossad says:

    We only need to be lucky once.

  169. 169
    AC1 says:

    B&P and Respect

    Two cheeks of the same marxist arse.

  170. 170
    Herman Von Rompuy says:

    Impose, I like that word.

  171. 171
    My Other Cars Not A Prius Either says:


  172. 172
    The Unions says:

    wait until the winter sets in and we start our actions,we’ll see who runs the show then.

  173. 173
    barefootcontessa says:

    Every beast has a tag in it’s ear. Evan Davies finds the controversy a bit of a joke.

  174. 174
    barefootcontessa says:

    Does he use the new Oreal mascara ?- ‘no clumps, just thicker, longer, and blacker’.

  175. 175
    Pedantic says:

    To be fair, the B&P are, as was their inspiration, a non marxist socialist group. Though socialist they most definitely are, they are not marxists like Respect.

  176. 176
    Tin Foil Hat Watch says:

    if you’re a paranoid fucking nutter like you AC1, then yes, that’s an ‘explanation’

  177. 177

    calm down little minion, you’ll get your turn

  178. 178
    50 Calibre says:

    So many cats, so few recipes…

  179. 179
    Mossad says:

    We don’t miss…

  180. 180
    P.O.T (pissed off taxpayer) says:


    6 months ago comlained about my tax . two months ago got a letter saying they would be sending me an apology. still haven’t had it

  181. 181
    P.O.T (pissed off taxpayer) says:


    I’m sick of my MP already. Doesn’t answer my questions. Answers questions I’ve not asked. Patronises me about the law, events, repeats things in words of one syllable. Says government correct in acting the way it is. And I can go fuck myself. Business as usual

  182. 182
    tit says:

    says it all lightweight brain lightweight potential

  183. 183
    tit says:

    ………..shag Chingrinner…..twat……..duvet ……huge marrow

  184. 184
    Down with Brown! says:

    He crashed and ended up with a BurntBum!

  185. 185
    Airey Belvoir says:

    Surely, after a lifetime of bum fun, all Mandy can manage in the trouser trumpet department is a gentle whooshing noise.

  186. 186
    I Fucking Loathe Felines says:

    It’s “you’re”, as in “you are.” It’s simple, really.

  187. 187
    Gordon Broon's Granny says:

    My god. They organised a piss up

  188. 188
    Labour Party Twat says:


  189. 189
    Grammar School Teacher says:

    That’s c’unt actually!

  190. 190
    Adolf Hitler says:

    You Evil leftwing socialist C U N T!

  191. 191
    Anonymous says:

    This is true, but even the most capitalistic of countries has a degree of socialism within it that can never really be privatized for the benefit of the country as a whole.
    For example I give you the NHS (or degree of), Police, Teaching, Defence, General Government, Justice & Courts, Ambulance service, Fire Brigade ect.

  192. 192
    Joe E says:

    I should be PM cos I’m not from loondooon & I have northern authoritarian fucks like blears & blunkett supporting me

  193. 193

    We have all been there I bet the pub was better though!

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Boris on British Jihadis. Apparently based on MI5 intel:

“If you look at all the psychological profiling about bombers, they typically will look at porn. They are literally w***ers. Severe onanists. They are tortured. They will be very badly adjusted in their relations with women, and that is a symptom of their feeling of being failures and that the world is against them. They are not making it with girls, and so they turn to other forms of spiritual comfort — which of course is no comfort.”

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