Networked Boobs

connected bikini

Techno has long been sceptical of the much hyped wearable tech trend, but a new product from a French has convinced him of the error of his way – behold the bikini connecté.

The connected bikini comes complete with a waterproof UV sensor that tells your smartphone when you need to apply sun cream. Yours for only €149…

 

DSK Acquitted of Aggravated Pimping

dominique-strauss-kahn-settles-maid-case

The former IMF just escaped jail.

A job at Fifa next?

Blair’s Two Hour Liaison with Bingbing

BLAIR+BINGBING

Tony Blair scheduled a two hour afternoon slot into his diary to enjoy the company of alluring Chinese actress Li Bingbing during a 2012 business trip to China. According to documents seen by the Telegraph, Blair touched down in Beijing and raced straight to see Ms Bingbing before the grind of meeting CEO’s and politicians began.

Li Bingbing

Blair first met Bingbing – who is a friend of Wendi Deng – at a climate change campaign in 2009 and has been spotted regularly with the Chinese siren since. Bada Bingbing, bada boom…

Tory MEP Shares Fanny With Kanye West

fanny kanye west

Geoffrey Van Orden’s wife looked rather smitten with Kanye West in a photo shared by the Conservative MEP on Facebook recently.

Fanny Van Orden called Kanye her “new best friend” and described the global superstar as “a real gentleman” and “very charming”. 

Though Guido is guessing anyone called Fanny is probably not that well acquainted with Kanye’s more ‘charming’ anatomical lyrics…

Via Ned Donovan

Environment Minister Totty Watch: Grecian Edition

birbili

The latest addition to our run down of the world’s hottest environment ministers is Tina Birbili, who was made the first Greek Minister for the Environment, Energy and Climate Change back in 2009. Things have moved on in Greek politics and Tina now finds herself holed up in a luxury compound in Nairobi, earning $141,227 a year as the UN’s Executive Secretary to the Vienna Convention for the Protection of the Ozone Layer and its Montreal Protocol on Substances that Deplete the Ozone Layer. Kerching!

Antoinette Sandbach Sabotages Tug of War

boots1

Match report from Macmillan’s annual Parliamentary Tug of War last night:

“The stakes were high for the Commons men who, led by Mike Penning MP, were fighting to secure the winning title for a sixth successive year. The Lords men, who were led jointly by Lord Dobbs and Lord Collins of Highbury, put up a good fight but were no match for the MPs who pulled to victory, with the likes of Chris Law MP and Alec Shelbrooke MP at the end of the rope.”

Meanwhile the female MP’s team lost again, amid whispers that the team’s leggy front woman Antoinette Sandbach sabotaged her own side by turning up in a pair of calf-length street boots. One onlooker was heard muttering:”it’s like turning up in high heels” as the ladies trudged away with their runners up medal…

Environment Minister Totty Watch: Double Trouble Edition

danish ministers

Our series of saucy environment ministers continues with a two in one special from Denmark.

On the left is current Minister for the Environment Kirsten Brosbøl.

The lady gazing lovingly into her eyes on the right is her predecessor Ida Auken.

Despite being members of different parties, they have put aside partisanship to work together for the greater good of mother earth. Nordic beauties…

How FIFA Tried To Distract the World at Its Annual Conference Today

14 FIFA officials have been charged with corruption and their President is facing calls to resign, but that hasn’t stopped football’s governing body from rolling out the red carpet for the opening ceremony of its annual conference today.

Maybe they were hoping the FBI would be distracted by their glamarous host:

fifa6

Or perhaps these scantily clad female dancers:

fifa8

If not, there was this dude singing Swiss power ballads:

fifa20

With a ballerina:

fifa12

And this lady blowing some sort of Swiss national horn:

fifa1

And this guy playing the drums:

fifa7

All culminating bizarrely with a lady pirouetting in a circle again and again:

fifa9

And fire. Lots of fire.

You wouldn’t know their bosses had just had their doors kicked down in morning raids, would you?

BoJo: I am Back

Bow down… but seriously, check out that sexy look from Rees Mogg. Ohhh.

Energy Minister Totty Watch Continued: Dutch Edition

totty bike

Continuing our current series of saucy energy/environment minsters, Gaia is pleased to introduce Melanie Henriëtte Schultz van Haegen-Maas Geesteranus. She may have been named after an exotic ice-cream, but the Dutch Minister of Infrastructure and the Environment ain’t no soft scoop when it comes to pushing through her pro-cycling agenda. She famously refused to back legislation that would have forced cyclists to wear helmets and banned them from texting on the go. Green suits her…

Silvio Berlusconi Joins Instagram

So, Silvio Berlusconi has joined the picture sharing social media network Instagram and is uploading pictures of himself with his dogs Dudu, Dudina & Harley:

The other recurring theme so far appears to be his 28 year old girlfriend Francesca:

Insta-bunga!

Joanna Shields Shuffled Upstairs as New Internet Safety Minister

Joanna Shields-1

Digital Dave’s technology guru Joanna Shields has left her role as chair of Tech City UK and will be shuffled upstairs as the new Minister for Internet Safety and Security. Baroness Shields, who once headed up Bebo, Facebook Europe and Google for Europe, Middle East and Africa, left the private sector at the peak of her career to take up a cushy £115,000 job as CEO of Tech City. Cynics have suggested that Shields planned on using the role as a stepping stone for feathering a seats-on-boards-of-companies nest…

Shields’ three year tenure as CEO saw her bolster her reputation for turning up to government meetings with perfectly coiffed hair and expensive shoes, while the taxpayer-funded Tech City conitinued on a mildly successful PR campaign to rebrand East London as Britain’s Silicon Valley. The PM duly rewarded Shields for her service with a Peerage, and now she’s in government. Keep an eye out for Techno’s runners and riders to be the new chair…

Lucky Palestinians Finally get Chance to Hook Up with Hot IDF Babes

a36de55ea6fe4b783e320ccdfbb6659e

Good news! Palestinians yearning to hook up with hot IDF babes finally have the chance to make their dreams come true following the introduction of Verona, a dating app that connect Israelis and Palestinians. Pitching itself as the Tinder for sectarian divide, Verona aims to promote peace in the Middle East “one swipe at a time.No longer just a stones throw away…

Douglas Alexander Loses His Seat

Labour’s campaign chief is out:

Meet the new ‘Baby of the House’:

maxresdefault

Mhairi Black, the 20 year old SNP candidate. The youngest MP since 1667…

Lagos Lovely

Diezani-Alison-Madueke

In our continuing series on hot looking energy ministers we bring you the current President of the Organization of the Petroleum Exporting Countries (OPEC) and Nigerian Minister of Petroleum Resources Diezani Alison-Madueke. Diezani is the brains behind Nigeria’s plan to remove state subsidies on fuel prices – a sound free market leaning policy reform. The fabulous minister is rumoured to have a taste for luxurious hotel suites and private jets. She can join our cartel anytime.. 

See also: Nuclear Totty and Phwoarr

More Censorship From the Politically Correct ASA

The censorious bunch of self-appointed bureaucrats at the Advertising Standards Authority have targeted anti-gay marriage adverts, anti-environmentalist advertsFathers4Justice adverts and pro-hanging adverts in their insidious campaign against politically incorrect causes.

Now Chris Smith’s bloated regulator has decreed that a weight loss advert featuring a woman in a bikini can no longer be shown on the London Underground. Because some lefties moaned on Twitter.

The ASA say:

“Although the ad won’t appear in the meantime, we’ve launched an investigation to establish if it breaks harm and offence rules or is socially irresponsible. We will now carefully and objectively explore the complaints that have prompted concerns around body confidence and promptly publish our findings.”

These people must be stopped.

Energy Minister Totty Watch (Continued)

GEORGIA TOTTY

Yesterday after after we asked in relation to Ségolène Royal, “Is there a hotter looking energy minister anywhere in the world?”, Katrina Kelly of the World Energy Council got in touch to complain:

Hopefully today’s hunky energy minister will softer her stance. Georgia’s Minister of Energy Kakha Kaladze used to play left-back for Serie A club A.C. Milan, but now oversees his country’s booming hydro-power sector. He manages to balance his political life with numerous business interests, including overseeing his investment company which at one point happened to own 45% of The Georgia Hydropower Construction Company. Dam!

Nuclear Totty

royal-segolene-ps-2643126_1713

France’s Energy Minister, François Hollande’s mère du bébé Ségolène Royal is on smoking form at the moment, pushing for a new generation of Nuclear Power plants. By replacing the aging power stations France will position itself as the global leader in cheap, safe and clean energy.

More importantly, is there a better looking Energy Minister anywhere in the world?

Data Shows Miliband Less Sexy Than Coalition Leaders

yougov-attractiveness

It is not so #SexyMiliband according to a YouGov survey bring further proof that we have passed peak #SexyMiliband. Nick Clegg is the housewife’s choice, Cameron is sloppy seconds. Ed comes a distant third just ahead of Nigel Farage.

MiliFandom is clearly a minority interest…

Karen Danczuk’s St George’s Day Message

An exclusive St George’s Day treat for Guido readers, courtesy of the dragon-slaying Mrs D:

More like St Phwoarrr-ge’s Day![…] Read the rest

+ READ MORE +



Tip offs: 0709 284 0531
team@Order-order.com

Quote of the Day

Angela Rayner on Labour’s economic policy (via Speccie):

“It is a bit of a sh*t-or-bust strategy…”

Sponsors

Guidogram: Sign up

Subscribe to the most succinct 7 days a week daily email read by thousands of Westminster insiders.
James O’Brien’s Carillion Fake News Goes Viral James O’Brien’s Carillion Fake News Goes Viral
O’Mara Hasn’t Helped a Single Constituent in Months O’Mara Hasn’t Helped a Single Constituent in Months
Credit Where Credit’s Due Credit Where Credit’s Due
Osborne on Carillion: Then and Now Osborne on Carillion: Then and Now
Paul Mason’s Column Axed Paul Mason’s Column Axed
Lord Pannick Backs Gauke’s Judicial Review Lord Pannick Backs Gauke’s Judicial Review
“Get On Your Knees, B*tch” Clive Lewis Returns to Labour Frontbench in Reshuffle” “Get On Your Knees, B*tch” Clive Lewis Returns to Labour Frontbench in Reshuffle”
Vulnerable Children’s Data Breached at Labour-Run Leicester City Council Vulnerable Children’s Data Breached at Labour-Run Leicester City Council
Dover Traffic at Record Levels Dover Traffic at Record Levels
10 Times Chris Williamson Wasn’t Sacked 10 Times Chris Williamson Wasn’t Sacked
Watch: Baroness Jenkin Drops C-Bomb in Lords Watch: Baroness Jenkin Drops C-Bomb in Lords
Worboys Victims Formally Ask CPS to Reassess 93 Unprosecuted Cases Worboys Victims Formally Ask CPS to Reassess 93 Unprosecuted Cases
BBC Reined In Over False Climate Claims BBC Reined In Over False Climate Claims
Corbyn Said Davos “Conspiracy” is “Cause of World’s Problems” Corbyn Said Davos “Conspiracy” is “Cause of World’s Problems”
Khan’s ‘Independent’ Brexit Study Written by Leave-Bashers And Corbynistas Khan’s ‘Independent’ Brexit Study Written by Leave-Bashers And Corbynistas
Press-Hating Peers Pave Way for Leveson 2 Press-Hating Peers Pave Way for Leveson 2
EU Propaganda Service Chooses Soubry’s Constituency For New Base EU Propaganda Service Chooses Soubry’s Constituency For New Base
McDonnell Off to Davos McDonnell Off to Davos
“Absolute Disgrace” Worboys Victims Not Consulted on Licence Conditions “Absolute Disgrace” Worboys Victims Not Consulted on Licence Conditions
Thousands of Doctors on ‘Winter Crisis’ Ski Trips Thousands of Doctors on ‘Winter Crisis’ Ski Trips