Inside the House of Commons Departure Lounge

The House of Commons was today a green-benched departure lounge; Theresa May and Jeremy Corbyn were two very different holidaymakers. Wan-faced frequent filer Theresa, slumped closest to the gate, was barely distinguishable from a battered old vending machine in a London Gatwick corner. Equally mechanical, but less full of sweetness, for Theresa it was just a 45 minute wait for her flight-outta-here; if she could have had speedy boarding she would have paid for it gladly. In strolls sombrero-toting ethical-traveller Jeremy Corbyn, with glee only shared by priapic teenage boys awaiting their first flight to Ibiza. He knows his hols will be spent ‘campaigning’ on beaches, surrounded by socialist vixens in hammer and sickle bikinis (basically). Over magazine-tops in air-conditioned lounges we will all observe our fellow travellers this summer. Hopefully we won’t end up on the same plane as these two…

In an unhelpful metaphor for the government, the first question was about driver-less cars. “This country is a world leader in driver-less cars and that’s part of our strong economy“: Theresa May might as well have been reading out a lifeless feature from an in-flight magazine. She sounded as robotic as middle-aged cabin crew member reciting a list of overpriced refreshments over an aeroplane’s PA system: it’s all played back from memory and delivered with the excitement and promise of a moist Ryanair sandwich. Like an unmanned aerial vehicle all she does is drone. Corbyn once again demonstrated his navigational ineptitude by taking off in the direction of public sector pay and only eventually getting round to Cabinet in-fighting. Would you let that man fly your plane? Would you let him sit in the special seat by the emergency exit? It’s not likely to trouble you this summer, but if you do find yourself on the same plane as Jez, remember that he is probably only there to assist in a hijacking. Alert the sky marshal should you see him aboard…

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SNP MP Wears Scotland Football Shirt at PMQs

Hannah Bardell taking the relaxed Commons dress code a little far. Get a grip Mr Speaker…

May on Approaching Reshuffle

Freudian slip?

H/T @DavidScullion

PMQs: Who’s Asking the Questions?

Oral Questions to the Prime Minister
Q1 Mr Geoffrey Robinson (Coventry North West) If she will list her official engagements for Wednesday 19 July.

Q2 Kirsty Blackman (Aberdeen North)

Q3 Mr Paul J Sweeney (Glasgow North East)

Q4 Helen Whately (Faversham and Mid Kent)

Q5 Mike Wood (Dudley South)

Q6 Dan Carden (Liverpool, Walton)

Q7 Ian Murray (Edinburgh South)

Q8 Jeremy Lefroy (Stafford)

Q9 Bob Blackman (Harrow East)

Q10 Gordon Marsden (Blackpool South)

Q11 Richard Drax (South Dorset)

Q12 Lucy Allan (Telford)

Q13 Mr Pat McFadden (Wolverhampton South East)

Q14 Louise Haigh (Sheffield, Heeley)

Q15 Sarah Jones (Croydon Central)

Comments in the comments…

DPMQs Sketch: Shadow Cabinet Ladies Night

With the boss otherwise engaged, Damian Green strolled down to the country pub for a quiet pint. He found himself at the shadow cabinet’s all-women lock-in being held at a suburban All Bar One. This was Emily Thornberry’s lunchtime on the tiles; this was her at 3AM at 12 midday. Clothed from head-to-toe in lip-stick-red – a flash of gold from the earrings – Green could not hope to match the entirely unwarranted yet somehow lethal sass of this plump old lawyer as she played the common cougar. Minutes earlier Thornberry is in the Common’s ladies loo, looking at herself over and over again in the mirror (you suspect Green doesn’t ever look). She winks at herself, blows herself a kiss. Don’t you look good darling. You go give it to him; you are the hen at the party. He’s only a man…

Green would confirm Lady Nugee’s long-held views of all those unfortunate enough to have been born with a penis. Like every doddery old bloke in the history of human race, the First Secretary brought his punishment entirely upon himself. Immediately joking about women and leadership when up against Thornberry is ill-advised. He tried this one: “There are many distinguished people – of both sexes – who have done [PMQs] in this party, because we of course elect women leaders.” If there are two things Emily Thornberry is sure of – and there may only be two such things in the universe – it’s that she is a woman and that she is a leader. Instantly she parries: three Labour women had led at PMQs since Theresa May came on the scene. Don’t start with me boy, I’ll make mincemeat out of you… Continue reading

DPMQs: Who’s Asking the Questions?

The Prime Minister is welcoming the King and Queen of Spain so First Secretary of State Damian Green is standing in. Emily Thornberry leads for Labour.

Q1 Caroline Flint (Don Valley) If she will list her official engagements for Wednesday 12 July. (900401)

Q2 Jeremy Lefroy (Stafford)

Q3 David Morris (Morecambe and Lunesdale)

Q4 Alison Thewliss (Glasgow Central)

Q5 Neil O’Brien (Harborough)

Q6 Dan Jarvis (Barnsley Central)

Q7 Kit Malthouse (North West Hampshire)

Q8 Mr Graham Brady (Altrincham and Sale West)

Q9 Dr Rupa Huq (Ealing Central and Acton)

Q10 Mrs Maria Miller (Basingstoke)

Q11 Michael Tomlinson (Mid Dorset and North Poole)

Q12 Toby Perkins (Chesterfield)

Q13 Andrew Selous (South West Bedfordshire)

Q14 Rosie Cooper (West Lancashire)

Comments in the comments…

Robot Wars

Tonight on BBC Two’s Robot Wars, Prime Minister’s Question Time! And here come the competitors once again, rolling their way through the tunnel and into the green-plated arena. The audience is packed behind the crash barriers, and as the lights go up and the smoke clears we see them: MayBot and JezBot! The Robot Wars theme plays and the crowd goes wild…

The roboteers up in the gallery have made several changes to their respective machines since last week’s fight. In just seven days MayBot 2.0 has been fitted with completely new weaponry: you’ll notice that huge pair of scissors fixed to her front bumper. That cutting gear is christened ‘The Deficit Destroyer‘: it’s designed to slice through the unlimited spending team JezBot want to deploy. MayBot also now boasts a rear weapon: the ‘Austerity Angle Grinder‘ spins at frightening speeds, slicing through cash. Her critics say she should have deployed these weapons in the heats which preceded this series; if you’re one of our regular viewers, you’ll remember them from the good old days of CamBot and OsBot. Will a return to the old design save the blue team?

Ah! Our cameraman catches a glimpse of Professor Milne, designer of the JezBot, silently watching the via video link from the engineer’s workshop. No obvious changes to his machine this week – but if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. JezBot’s 1970s chassis – which the critics branded useless – has been serving the red team pretty well recently… 
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Snobby Speaker Criticises “Downmarket” MPs

Classic sneering condescension from the Speaker…

PMQs: Who’s Asking the Questions?

Oral Questions to the Prime Minister

Q1 Hannah Bardell (Livingston) If she will list her official engagements for Wednesday 5 July.

Q2 James Morris (Halesowen and Rowley Regis)

Q3 Alex Cunningham (Stockton North)

Q4 Nicky Morgan (Loughborough)

Q5 Paul Scully (Sutton and Cheam)

Q6 Bill Wiggin (North Herefordshire)

Q7 Mrs Sheryll Murray (South East Cornwall)

Q8 Jonathan Edwards (Carmarthen East and Dinefwr)

Q9 Matt Warman (Boston and Skegness)

Q10 Andrew C Bowie (West Aberdeenshire and Kincardine)

Q11 Alex Burghart (Brentwood and Ongar)

Q12 Mr Khalid Mahmood (Birmingham, Perry Barr)

Q13 Scott Mann (North Cornwall)

Q14 Helen Hayes (Dulwich and West Norwood)

Q15 Stephen Lloyd (Eastbourne)

Comments in the comments…

Tory MP Reveals Hard-Left Intimidation

Tory MP Sheryll Murray says that during the election campaign swastikas were carved into her posters, social media posts called for her to be stabbed and people urinated on her office door. Notable that Labour MPs heckled as Murray revealed the extent of hard-left intimidation… 

PMQs: Who’s Asking the Questions?

Oral Questions to the Prime Minister

Q1 Mrs Sheryll Murray (South East Cornwall) If she will list her official engagements for Wednesday 28 June.

Q2 Mr William Wragg (Hazel Grove)

Q3 Ian C. Lucas (Wrexham)

Q4 Kevin Brennan (Cardiff West)

Q5 Jo Stevens (Cardiff Central)

Q6 Ian Austin (Dudley North)

Q7 Gavin Newlands (Paisley and Renfrewshire North)

Q8 Marion Fellows (Motherwell and Wishaw)

Q9 Maria Caulfield (Lewes)

Q10 Paula Sherriff (Dewsbury)

Q11 Dr Rupa Huq (Ealing Central and Acton)

Q12 Richard Graham (Gloucester)

Q13 Charlie Elphicke (Dover)

Q14 Angela Smith (Penistone and Stocksbridge)

Q15 Mr Barry Sheerman (Huddersfield)

Comments in the comments…

May to Corbyn: “You Are Not Up to the Job”

Election PMQs: Who’s Asking the Questions?

Q1 Michael Fabricant (Lichfield) What recent assessment she has made of the (a) performance of the economy and (b) adequacy of provision of public services in the West Midlands; and if she will make a statement.

Q2 Richard Drax (South Dorset) If she will list her official engagements for Wednesday 26 April.

Q3 Ben Howlett (Bath)

Q4 Tom Blenkinsop (Middlesbrough South and East Cleveland)

Q5 Jason McCartney (Colne Valley)

Q6 Rachael Maskell (York Central)

Q7 Chris Stephens (Glasgow South West)

Q8 Mary Robinson (Cheadle)

Q9 Byron Davies (Gower)

Q10 Julian Sturdy (York Outer)

Q11 Stephen Timms (East Ham)

Q12 Dr Alan Whitehead (Southampton, Test)

Q13 Steven Paterson (Stirling)

Q14 Iain Stewart (Milton Keynes South)

Q15 Sir Jeffrey M. Donaldson (Lagan Valley)

Comments in the comments…

#Yvette2017 Underway: “We Can’t Believe A Single Word May Says”

Huge cheers from the Labour benches as Yvette Cooper skewered Theresa May on her broken snap election promise. Manoeuvring underway, Yvette is 13/1  (UPDATE: Now into 8/1) to be next Labour leader…

Election PMQs: Who’s Asking the Questions?

At 12 noon Oral Questions to the Prime Minister

Q1 Alberto Costa (South Leicestershire) If she will list her official engagements for Wednesday 19 April

Q2 Michelle Donelan (Chippenham)

Q3 Jeff Smith (Manchester, Withington)

Q4 Mary Robinson (Cheadle)

Q5 Gerald Jones (Merthyr Tydfil and Rhymney)

Q6 David Mackintosh (Northampton South)

Q7 Jenny Chapman (Darlington)

Q8 Mr Philip Hollobone (Kettering) If she will visit Kettering constituency.

Q9 Maria Caulfield (Lewes)

Q10 Derek Thomas (St Ives)

Q11 John Stevenson (Carlisle)

Q12 Paul Scully (Sutton and Cheam)

Q13 Graham Jones (Hyndburn)

Q14 Sir David Amess (Southend West)

Q15 Richard Benyon (Newbury)

PMQs / Article 50 Double Bill

Jeremy Corbyn kicked off today’s PMQs by leveraging last Wednesday’s events to ask the PM for more police funding so they have “the necessary resources with which to do the job”. This makes perfect sense of course because if we arm every policeman with a .50 cal and equip PCSOs with mounted exoskeletons capable of shooting hellfire missiles then we’ll be terror-proof. What’s more, once we’ve turned the British Bobby into ‘The Terminator’, Jeremy Corbyn will have free reign to virtue signal about our militarised police state and their appalling atrocities. Win-win.

That’s the thing with Jeremy, he loves the police right up until the point where they have to actually do their job and pulse fifty thousand volts through some nutjob with a knife. Then they become worrying quasi-fascist rogue operatives bent on shooting to kill and destroying our civil liberties.

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PMQs: Who’s Asking the Questions?

Oral Questions to the Prime Minister

Q1 Danny Kinahan (South Antrim) If she will list her official engagements for Wednesday 29 March

Q2 Bill Esterson (Sefton Central)

Q3 Carolyn Harris (Swansea East)

Q4 Tulip Siddiq (Hampstead and Kilburn)

Q5 Alex Salmond (Gordon)

Q6 Marion Fellows (Motherwell and Wishaw)

Q7 Mr Ranil Jayawardena (North East Hampshire)

Q8 Victoria Atkins (Louth and Horncastle)

Q9 Julian Sturdy (York Outer)

Q10 David Mackintosh (Northampton South)

Q11 Bill Wiggin (North Herefordshire) If she will introduce an award in recognition of the contribution made by munitions workers in the First and Second World Wars

Q12 David T. C. Davies (Monmouth)

Q13 William Wragg (Hazel Grove)

Q14 John Spellar (Warley)

“Come on Eileen!”

Luckily today’s PMQs saw a return to the pantomime of days past thanks to the Labour leader’s decision to read a letter from Eileen, a primary school teacher. Here I’m disappointed to report that it took Tory wags a full 30 seconds to start shouting “Come on Eileen!” back across the chamber: an in-form Alec Shelbrooke or Nigel Evans would be expected to make such a quip in sub-20 seconds normally (sub-10 on a good day).

In subsequent sessions we can no doubt expect Jeremy Corbyn to brandish a letter from Roxanne “who has been shamefully forced into putting on the red light to pay her way through college”; Lola, who the Labour Leader “met in a club down in Old Soho where SHE – and I won’t let any transphobe say otherwise – told me that a lack of proper Government regulation means HER – again, I repeat, she is a woman – champagne tastes just like cherry Cola!”; and of course Ba-Ba-Ba-Ba-Barbara Ann who is apparently “suffering so badly from Tory cuts that they’ve got her “rockin’ and a-rollin’, rockin’ and a-reelin’, Barbara Ann” (her words not mine, Mr. Speaker)”.

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May Attacks Corbynistas’ Grammar Educations

Theresa May went ad hominem at PMQs, attacking Labour’s frontbench for pulling up the drawbridge. As Guido has noted previously:

  • Jeremy Corbyn – Attended a grammar school. His son went to a grammar school.
  • John McDonnell – Attended a grammar school.
  • Seumas Milne – Sent both his son and daughter to grammar schools.
  • Diane Abbott – Attended a grammar school and sent her son to a private school.
  • Jon Trickett – Attended a grammar school.
  • Grahame Morris – Attended a grammar school.
  • Paul Flynn – Attended a grammar school.

Another happy reader…

PMQs: Who’s Asking the Questions?

Oral Questions to the Prime Minister

Q1 John Mann (Bassetlaw) If she will list her official engagements for Wednesday 22 March.

02 Lucy Allan (Telford)

Q3 Angus Brendan MacNeil (Na h-Eileanan an Iar)

04 Charlie Elphicke (Dover)

05 Alex Cunningham (Stockton North)

06 Sir Julian Brazier (Canterbury)

07 Lilian Greenwood (Nottingham South)

08 Chris Evans (lslwyn)

09 Simon Hoare (North Dorset)

Q10 Pete Wishart(Perth and North Perthshire)

Q11 John Stevenson (Carlisle)

Q12 Sir Edward Leigh (Gainsborough)

Q13 Huw Merriman (Bexhill and Battle)

Q14 Siobhain McDonagh (Mitcham and Morden)

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Alan Sugar on Jeremy Corbyn:

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