September kicked off with always-nuanced Labour veteran Harriet Harman spelling out helpfully that “it matters enormously to Labour that Trump is not elected” – presaging a massive row to come as the US election drew ever closer. Clearly buoyed by Labour’s optimism Emily Maitlis declared that Taylor Swift’s endorsement of Kamala Harris had “fundamentally changed the race.” Co-conspirators may wonder if we deserve such savants as these…
Prisoners celebrated their early release with champagne and luxury cars. At the same time voluntary redundancies swept through CCHQ leaving departments decimated in their wake. Voting rounds took Patel and Stride out of the running for next Tory leader, leaving the remaining four to pretend they weren’t briefing against each other for the rest of the month. The Tories’ farcical yellow-card system was hard at work on that one…
Right-wing hedge fund titan Paul Marshall bought the Spectator for £100 million and Andrew Neil stepped down as chairman at the same time with a damning farewell. Two weeks later Michael Gove would be appointed the magazine’s new editor. Over in the broadcast world the BBC’s former star presenter was handed a six-month suspended jail sentence while 17,000 people complained about Ed Balls interviewing his wife the month before. Ofcom wasn’t interested…
After David Lammy suspended a raft of arms export licenses to Israel, Guido revealed two Labour MPs representing constituencies with many Jewish residents along with, extraordinarily, the Solicitor General, had written to the Foreign Secretary blasting the move. Meanwhile on the Labour backbenches snubbed Emily Thornberry continued her moping campaign by begging Starmer for a cabinet job and continuing to complain on TV about how upset she was for the rest of the month. Even after she’d been elected chairman of the Foreign Affairs Select Committee…
“Party-frock-gate” rumbled into Westminster as hacks picked up on Starmer’s clothing donations from one Waheed Alli – some of which weren’t declared properly. Labour ministers were unable to handle defensive communications as Labour’s pious hypocrisy was continually exposed and most senior Labour figues were engulfed. Starmer’s love for £107,000 of free stuff earned him the moniker “Free Gear Keir.” Guido revealed Starmer had recorded a 2021 Covid broadcast from his favourite Lord Alli London penthouse, as well as a tribute to the queen following her death. On these pixels co-conspirators learnt that secret government transition talks likewise took place at the glitzy property. Guido rounded that all off by revealing Waheed Alli held meetings with Bashar al-Assad and argued against his removal from power. Was all that worth it for some free suits and glasses?
Downing Street’s power struggle broke into the open as Sue Gray’s huge pay was revealed. Party conferences heralded the usual thick stream of stories and general mayhem as Tories celebrated not having to govern any more and PM Starmer called for the return of the sausages. By halfway through the month Labour’s popularity had crashed in record time. At the end of it Rosie Duffield had quit. Malaise, malaise…
Honourable Mentions:
Labour Members Boo Their Own Conference
Sopel Says He and Huw Edwards “Weren’t Mates” When He Defended Him on TV
Guido Squawks Added To Mandatory Government Register
Headline of the Month: Trump on Angela Eagle: “Nobody Knows or Cares Who This Random Person Is”
Lord Khan in the Telegraph: “I hope, and I say this in a non-pompous way, that the public service I do will bring rewards in this world and the hereafter,” he says. “I’m hoping the work I do is earning me Brownie points.”