May began with an inevitable local election bloodbath for the Tories, losing a whopping 515 seats in their worst performance in over twenty years. Sadiq Khan also walked to his third term on the same night, though not without a flurry of SW1 excitement that Susan Hall was about to stage a Rocky-style comeback at the eleventh hour. This, of course, turned out to be a mirage: Khan won 43.8% to Hall’s 32.7%. The Tories had been utterly thumped. Even Andy Street, the popular Mayor of the West Midlands, conceded defeat. Surely this all but guaranteed a winter election now? Surely…
While the Conservatives licked their wounds and quietly assured themselves they had at least six months to avoid catastrophe, up in Scotland John Swinney was elected (virtually) unopposed as First Minister. Humza Yousaf retired to the backbenches to spend more time tweeting about things which have nothing to do with Scotland. Meanwhile in Wales, Vaughn Gething had obviously watched the Scottish government’s near-implosion with envy and decided he wanted a taste of the action himself. He abruptly fired his Minister for Social Engagement, Hannah Blythyn, after accusing her of leaking WhatsApp messages which appeared to show he’d misled the Covid inquiry. Still, early days. Maybe he’d be able to turn things around…
Back in Westminster, MPs and hacks were busying themselves with the important work of booking their summer getaways. The Prime Minister himself had given his clearest indication yet that it was safe to do so: “book your holiday”, he declared on Loose Women. A week later, drenched head to toe, he announced the general election would be held on 4th July.
The starting gun had been fired. As Labour mobilised its campaign machine for the six-week battle ahead, the Tories scrambled to even select a candidate for every constituency. It was as though CCHQ were as blindsided by the election as the rest of us.
The real question, however, was what would Nigel Farage do? At first, the answer was music to the Tories’ ears. On 23rd May, he announced he wasn’t going to stand – six weeks was “not long enough“, and the upcoming US presidential election had his attention. Piers Morgan had plenty of short-lived fun with that on their shared return to the Question Time panel. Rishi breathed a sigh of relief and went for a ride on his Peloton…
Away from the noise of the campaign, Guido revealed Angela Rayner’s son, Ryan Batty, had a lucrative side hustle in the adult film industry. For just £5.50 a month, subscribers were treated to the fully monty – until the OnlyFans account mysteriously vanished after Guido’s exposé. Rayner insisted she was “fighting [the] election for my kids… Cultural experiences and places where people can have fun I think are really important.” Was this the kind of ‘cultural experience’ she had in mind?
Honourable mentions:
Headline of the Month:
Pickaxe-Wielding Labour Councillor Celebrates Election With Drug Dealers
Speaking at Davos, Zelensky said:
“Europe loves to discuss the future, but avoids taking action today. Action that defines what kind of future we will have. That’s the problem.”