Employees at high-end consultancy Teneo Blue Rubicon were surprised to receive an email from CEO Gordon Tempest-Hay kicking up a stink about recent office antics. The boss puts staff on notice to clean up their behaviour after a series of recent drunken incidents. Culminating in someone – “I can’t put this any less bluntly” – doing a poo in the office shower:

Subject: Office etiquette

I’m well aware that what follows only applies to a small percentage of us but as I don’t know exactly who that small % is and, as things are getting out of hand, it’s time for a word. Over the few weeks, we have had:

• Someone get drunk and throw up over the carpet (they’ve apologised, but still)
• Someone – I can’t put this any less bluntly – poo in the shower
• Someone mess their underwear and leave it for the cleaner
• A Friday bar getting completely out of hand akin to a drinking competition for a bunch of clubbing teens

Not only are these things inappropriate for a workplace but it is totally unacceptable to expect our lovely cleaning lady to clear up the resultant mess.

Please treat this place properly or we’ll have to withdraw the showers and stop the bar.

G

Guido thought he would do some of the dirty work and assist them in identifying some possible culprits. Could it be:

• Sir Craig Oliver, former Direct of Communications to David Cameron, now a Principal at Teneo. Did have a big week celebrating his 50th birthday…
• Lord Hague of Richmond, former Tory leader and Foreign Secretary, now a Senior Advisor to Teneo. Soiled his Eurosceptic credentials in the referendum…
• Sir Martin Donnelly, former Permanent Secretary at BIS and the Department for International Trade, also now a Senior Advisor to Teneo. Has dropped a few stinkers recently…

Hopefully that will help them get to the bottom of the matter as quickly as possible…