12 Things You Won’t Read About Milo Elsewhere

  1. Despite being tarred in the failing media as a white supremacist he has a penchant for picking up gay black men. For years he would leave late-night parties flamboyantly telling friends that he was “off to KFC” in the hope of getting lucky.
  2. Milo is completely disorganised. Punctuality problems have been the cause of him losing many jobs. By “punctuality” we mean actually turning up daily. Only two years ago he was working for Sky TV in an inexplicable technology guru role. Briefly.
  3. Milo’s political philosophy is fluid. He has at various times been an ultra-conservative Catholic, libertarian and now a Trumpian alt-right fellow traveller. His lifestyle has always been enjoyably libertine.
  4. As a nerdy child Milo was a gamer into Warhammer and bragged his paintwork on the game figurines was “impeccable”.
  5. Milo has terrible eyesight and is so worried about going bald he uses an expensive hair re-growth serum.
  6. Milo owns a pink swastika fashion piece. Lately he has been claiming Jewish ancestry.
  7. His parents gave him the name Milo Hanrahan, he also went by the name Wagner before settling on Yiannopoulos. God knows why.
  8. Milo’s father Nicolas Hanrahan is a geezer, you know what I mean.
  9. Milo tells friends he likes to try to have sex with a woman “once a year”.
  10. Milo kept a spreadsheet of his friends where he ranked them for looks, intelligence and how much he likes them.
  11. Milo is surprisingly shy and has difficulty looking people in the eye.
  12. If Milo self-publishes he will make far more than $250,000 from book sales this year. He will also spend it all.

Milo’s life is a performance. Don’t take it more seriously than he does.




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Modest advice to George Osborne from Piers Morgan on editing…

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