The Tory MPs’ team was thrashed 5-2 by the Lobby in the traditional conference football match yesterday. Changing room chatter reveals MP Alan Mak, a mercurial central midfielder, was subbed off after just nine minutes, by which point the Tories were 3-0 down. According to a teammate, “we started playing well when he was taken off”. Mak requested to be allowed back on the field in the second half – he lasted another five minutes before suffering the ignominy of being subbed off a second time. Housing minister Gavin Barwell scored the first own goal of conference by heading into his own net on an afternoon to forget for the Tories. “Mak-ed in the morning, you’re getting Mak-ed in the morning…”