SKETCH: That Miliband Speech in Full

“Greetings earthlings. Voters. Citizens. Please select appropriate honorific.

“Yesterday, I talked to Danny at the Job Centre. I said to Danny, ‘Tell me, Danny, has the Job Centre been good enough in getting you training?’

‘It’s been completely useless.’

“Completely useless, eh? There you have it, the Job Centre has broken the bargain. Shall we destroy them? That is the tough decision we shall be right to take. Because the country has broken the bargain too. It’s supposed to be working for you, and is it? I have answered my own question. It’s not good enough. Some say I’m not good enough for Britain, but neither is Britain.

“So what do? Is this the question?  A big problem needs a big solution. My first solution was Predistribution. This was such a big solution it had five syllables. But it was not enough. Britain deserved more. Contributionariness is two syllables longer and yet it does not cost extra. Its revenue-neutrality sends a message that we are facing up to tough decisions as Britain deserves.

“So we shall abolish Job Seekers’ Allowances for young people and replace it with Job Trainers’ Allowance worth the same aggregate of monetary units. The cost of living crisis will be addressed by this long-term economic plan. And the evil Tory hegemony shall be destroyed. It is the right thing to do and right to do it we are. Thank you. Good night. I shall return.”




Tip offs: 0709 284 0531
team@Order-order.com

Quote of the Day

Boris Johnson was shown a trophy monkey head as he toured a room of illegally-poached animals seized by Scotland Yard. He said:

“What’s this poor chap here? Faint air of a … Labour backbencher.”

Sponsors

Guidogram: Sign up

Subscribe to the most succinct 7 days a week daily email read by thousands of Westminster insiders.
BBC Still Ignoring Agent COB Story BBC Still Ignoring Agent COB Story
Moscow’s Man in Westminster Moscow’s Man in Westminster
Waterson New Guardian Media Editor Waterson New Guardian Media Editor
Tories Demand Agent COB Faces Foreign Affairs Select Committee Tories Demand Agent COB Faces Foreign Affairs Select Committee
Vaz Reported to National Crime Agency Over His Finances Vaz Reported to National Crime Agency Over His Finances
Bolton Sacked Bolton Sacked
Agent COB Was ‘Paid Informant’ Alleges Czech Spy Agent COB Was ‘Paid Informant’ Alleges Czech Spy
Sunday Show Highlights Sunday Show Highlights
No Facebook Engagement Drop Off Seen Here No Facebook Engagement Drop Off Seen Here
Adonis Tipped to Set Up Centrist Party and Be “British Macron” Adonis Tipped to Set Up Centrist Party and Be “British Macron”
Corbyn’s New Anti-Racism Campaign Star Sent N-Word, “Jew” and Hitler Tweets Corbyn’s New Anti-Racism Campaign Star Sent N-Word, “Jew” and Hitler Tweets
Corbynistas Openly Using McDonnell’s IRA Nickname Corbynistas Openly Using McDonnell’s IRA Nickname
Standard Deliveroo Love-In Standard Deliveroo Love-In
Gotcha! Commie Corbyn Gotcha! Commie Corbyn
Oxfam Failed to Ban Staff Using Prostitutes Because of “Civil Liberties” Oxfam Failed to Ban Staff Using Prostitutes Because of “Civil Liberties”
Labour MP to Voter: “P*ss Off” Labour MP to Voter: “P*ss Off”
EXCLUSIVE: May’s Chief of Staff in Late Night Porn Shocker EXCLUSIVE: May’s Chief of Staff in Late Night Porn Shocker
Equalities Commission Slams Labour… Again Equalities Commission Slams Labour… Again
Tory MP Plans to (Le)Go Big Online Tory MP Plans to (Le)Go Big Online
Terror Cops Probe White Powder Sent to Parliament Terror Cops Probe White Powder Sent to Parliament