Us Catholics are well advanced in our plans to subjugate the English protestant monarchy to our rule. We already control the nation’s education policy – and as all good Jesuits will tell you, ‘Give me the child until he is seven, and I will show you the man‘.

We Papists have a crypto-Catholic PM married to a Catholic who brings up her children in the true faith and we have drafted a Constitution for Europe to replace the original Treaty of Rome. Then we get rumbled.

A Tory candidate has figured out that the EU is a Catholic plot to impose Vatican sovereignty over Britain. Adrian Hilton, Tory PPC in Slough, argued in the Godless, sexually incontinent Spectator that “a Catholic EU will inevitably result in the subjugation of Britain’s Protestant ethos to Roman Catholic social, political and religious teaching”.

His outspoken views prompted the spokesman for Cardinal Cormac Murphy-O’Connor, the leader of the Catholic church in England and Wales, to accuse him of deploying “the sort of argument that tends to be made by extreme Protestants or radical nationalists … These views are bizarrely ahistorical and fundamentally erroneous, and an unfair depiction of the Catholic view of Europe”. The spokesman added that Mr Hilton’s article “assumes England did not exist as a nation before the Reformation, and has taken a few bizarre ideas and turned it into a conspiracy theory”.

Hilton forgets that England was Catholic before and it will be Catholic again – or my name is not Guido Fawkes!