Happy Halloween

Watch out for the deficit denying undead zombies:

Where’s Gordon’s™ Courage?

We are a week or two now short of having paid Gordon Brown to stay at home for six months writing his Beyond the Crash – How I Saved the World book. Guido has no objection to him embarking on a new career as a fiction writer, it is just that he sees no reason why the taxpayer should subsidise his writing.

He has only deigned to vote on one day since being rejected by the people, September 6. The only other day of attendance was to be sworn in, effectively to clock on for his pay.

He has not seen fit to give us the benefit of his experience during the debates on the Spending Review, the Emergency Budget or in fact any other subject. If he is saving it all up for his book than he should have the courage to resign and move on.

There were rumours that he would resign his seat after the election of a new leader of the Labour Party. Well, what is he waiting for, none of his former comrades want him and he is clearly too scared of the mockery that he would face in the chamber to contribute to the proceedings of the House. Either he contributes to Parliament or he leaves it.  The taxpayers do not owe him a sinecure, the taxpayers have enough debts due to Gordon already…

Where’s Gordon™? – Rumour Says In the Village

Word reaches Guido that Gordon Brown is taking some time out of the final editing stage of his book and is in town today for Osborne’s speech. There is no way that the Speaker wouldn’t call upon him if he was to rise. If he does turn up he will be a lightning rod for the government benches to point the finger of blame at for the cuts that are coming. What will he have to say for himself?

Guido doesn’t quite understand the logic of him being there, but then that was always the way with Gordon…

Friday Caption Contest (Naughty Chair Edition)

This week there is a copy of Dennis Kavanagh and Philip Cowley’s comprehensive “The British General Election 2010″ up for grabs for the wittiest caption comment.

Usual rules apply, competition closes midday Saturday…

The Office of Gordon and Sarah Brown

The official line is that Gordon will not be commenting on Blair’s confirmation that he was indeed a dreadful PM and appalling team-mate, but then we’ve all heard that before. Instead he has chosen today, randomly, to announce the setting up of The Office of Gordon and Sarah Brown that will be paid for by his after-dinner speeches. So it won’t be creating many jobs then.

In a dig a Tony his statement makes much out of the various, unpaid, international aid roles he  is taking up. There was some speculation he was taking soundings for Shadow International Development Secretary, but today’s statement gives no mention of that.  So still no news on whether he intends to turn up to Parliament next week…

Have You Seen This Man?

Back in June when David Cameron’s helicopter was diverted in Afghanistan, officials described it as a routine precaution. News this morning has emerged though that the PM was in a lot more danger than originally thought. Military chiefs are urging a comprehensive review of the Prime Minister’s security. It is believed they are seeking this man in connection to the attempt to shoot down the chopper:

Yeah, ok, it’s the last Friday of silly season…

BrownAid

As the new parliamentary term and Gordon’s book launch approaches, Guido is hearing whispers as to his future plans. Given he has managed to turn up to work just twice since the election, it’s good news that the people of Kirkcaldy – might actually get the representation they deserve.

Apparently Gordon is taking soundings about standing in the Shadow Cabinet elections, specifically seeking the role of Shadow International Development Secretary. It would be a first if he actually won a contested party election… Andrew Mitchell must be quaking in his boots. Not.

Proof Gordon Is Wasting Money

Brown is, we are told, pounding out 10,000 words per day. If he were the “Fastest Typist In The World” (150 words per minute), then this would only take him 67 minutes of each day. Leaving him plenty of time to do those constituency duties which he claims he is still doing.

But Gordon isn’t the “Fastest Typist in the World”. Let’s assume he’s a ‘fast’ typist (40wpm), then his 10k marathons will be taking him four hours and ten minutes of each day. Assuming he is doing constituency work until, say six in the evening (as he is paid to do), then he’ll be working until around 11pm each night. Meaning he won’t see his kids. Which Brown professes not to do, so we must assume therefore that he’s letting his book time eat into his constituency work.

More than likely he’s officially a ‘slow’ typist (23wpm). In which case he’ll be spending seven hours and fifteen minutes of publicly paid time on his book. Even allowing him two or three hours for constituency work, that’s a pretty busy day. But those times are merely for copy taking…

What’s the average typing speed when someone is composing? Well, that’s just 19wpm. And how long would it take to compose 10,000 words if one is typing at 19wpm? On average, not taking account for poor eyesight and periodic fits of rage, it would take eight hours and forty-five minutes. Pretty much the same as a full working day, that the taxpayer, not Simon and Schuster is footing the bill for..

Maths via email from Stephen Bray

Brown’s Unnecessary Minion

Though no longer a front-bencher, or even a participating Member of Parliament, Gordon has found it necessary to recruit a PPS. Alison McGovern, newly elected MP for Wirral South, has been appointed bag-carrier-in-chief . While he sits at home in […]

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Gordon Lurking, Still Shirking Working

Rumours flitted on EyeSpy.MP that Gordon was on the parliamentary estate, Twittering politicos said he was seen at the end of the chamber during questions to Culture Media Sport Secretary Jeremy Hunt.

So he was, lurking briefly by the Speaker’s […]

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Gordon’s “I Was Right” Out in November

Gordon Brown’s as-yet-untitled tome on why he was right about everything and the nasty Tories got the global financial crisis all wrong will be published in November by Simon & Schuster. The fact all the profits will be donated to […]

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Friends in Nye Places

So Gordon made it along to Westminster to watch old Sue become Baroness Nye of Lambeth. Gordon’s newly domiciled dodgy donor Lord Paul even managed to put in a rare appearance in the Lords. As gatekeeper Sue would have had […]

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Quote of the Day

Labour candidate Clive Lewis tells the Staggers:

“I mean, in the multiverse there’s still three universes in a hundred where there’s a Green MP in Norwich, so anything could happen. I could be caught with my pants down behind a goat with Ed Miliband at the other end – well, hopefully that won’t happen.”

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