Jim Murphy gets into a spot of bother at his barber’s:

“Just had the hair in my ears set on fire at a Turkish barber using a chemical from a B&Q meths bottle. That thrill & open-razor & haircut £8!”

Nigel Farage hits the nail on the head:

“This olive oil ban was virgin on the ridiculous.”

Lord Tebbit has his say on ‘aggressive homosexuals’:

“Why shouldn’t a mother marry her daughter? Why shouldn’t two elderly sisters living together marry each other? I quite fancy my brother!”

Michael Gove on history teaching:

“One set of history teaching resources targeted at year 11s – 15 and 16 year olds – suggests spending classroom time depicting the rise of Hitler as a ‘Mr Men’ story… I may be unfamiliar with all of Roger Hargreaves’ work but I am not sure he ever got round to producing Mr Anti-Semitic Dictator, Mr Junker General or Mr Dutch Communist Scapegoat.”

Michael Gove has been deployed to the airwaves:

“With great respect to anyone – actually, with no respect, it’s barmy. The idea of changing the leader is bonkeroony. I’m flattered to be mentioned in the same breath as Boris when it comes to coining neologisms, he is of course a lexicographic innovatory the likes of which we haven’t seen in British politics for many years.”

Diane Abbott in a now deleted tweet:

“2012-13 my yearly tax bill was zero”

Anna Soubry on backbench squabbling:

“What we now need to do is stop people in the party engaging in quite a lot of twattery… I came into politics to fight lefties”

Alan Clark on Maggie:

“I don’t want actual penetration – just a massive snog.”

Paul Flynn and Jeremy Heywood face off over that Maggie tribute:

Flynn: “What would you write for Gordon Brown?”

Heywood: “We will have to wait until that moment comes.”

Paul Waugh sums up the week ahead:

“Welfare cuts rows. Football hooliganism on the march. Left-wing trade unionists threatening general strikes. Communist dictators wielding nukes. There’s a distinctly 1980s feel to today’s ‘Back to the Future’ news as the country prepares to bury Margaret Thatcher later this week.”