PMQs SKETCH: Holy Warrior of the NHS

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If the NHS is Labour’s religion, the immanent, unknowable reality that nurtures its people, Ed Miliband is its holy warrior. It’s an old-fashioned, unreformed religion based on medieval inspiration and badly in need of a reformation but it still has a mystical grip on the people.

It is a bit of a sect, and its jumping jihadist is described – even by his supporters – as something of a cult, but the current crusade is to honour the teachings of the donkey-jacketed prophet Michael Foot.

Like any jihadist, he doesn’t quite match up to the inspiration.

As an ideological warrior, he’s driven by power rather than holiness. He’ll do any damage to his beliefs, as long as it damages his enemies more. He talks in such sectarian language there’s no conversation possible. He’s totalitarian in his edicts. He surrounds himself with a palace guard or he’d be torn to pieces by the wider following. And he lacks a beard. No beard! With teeth like his you need a beard.

The transcendental nitwit stood up at the despatch box and accused the Tories of manifold wickedness. They must have been blind. Are they still blind? Maybe that can be arranged. Branded and blinded for their filthy blasphemies against the holy of holies.

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PMQs LIVE: Who is Asking the Questions Today

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Oral Questions to the Prime Minister

Q1 Martin Horwood (Cheltenham)

Q2 Mr Lee Scott (Ilford North)

Q3 Mr Jamie Reed (Copeland)

Q4 John Robertson (Glasgow North West)

Q5 Anas Sarwar (Glasgow Central)

QHenry Smith (Crawley)

Q7 Mr Virendra Sharma (Ealing, Southall)

Q8 Martin Vickers (Cleethorpes)

Q9 Chi Onwurah (Newcastle upon Tyne Central)

Q10 David Rutley (Macclesfield)

Q11 Julian Smith (Skipton and Ripon)

Q12 Lisa Nandy (Wigan)

Q13 Mr Andrew Turner (Isle of Wight)

Q14 Heidi Alexander (Lewisham East)

Q15 Mr Khalid Mahmood (Birmingham, Perry Barr)

Comments in the comments please…

PMQs LIVE: Who Is Asking the Questions Today

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Oral Questions to the Prime Minister

Q1 Oliver Colvile (Plymouth, Sutton and Devonport)

Q2 Richard Drax (South Dorset)

Q3 Neil Carmichael (Stroud) 

Q4 Mark Garnier (Wyre Forest) 

Q5 Mr Nicholas Brown (Newcastle upon Tyne East) 

Q6 Richard Fuller (Bedford) 

Q7 Stephen Metcalfe (South Basildon and East Thurrock) 

Q8 Mr David Burrowes (Enfield, Southgate) 

Q9 Sir Tony Baldry (Banbury) 

Q10 Mr Douglas Carswell (Clacton) 

Q11 Michael Connarty (Linlithgow and East Falkirk) 

Q12 John Glen (Salisbury) 

Q13 Sheila Gilmore (Edinburgh East) 

Q14 Andrew Bingham (High Peak) 

Q15 Liz McInnes (Heywood and Middleton)

Comments in the comments please…

WATCH: Ben Bradshaw’s Below the Belt Pickles “Size” Jibe

Bit rich for Bradshaw to have a go at smokers too. Remember he likes to share his sister’s rollies

DPMQs LIVE: See Who Is Asking the Questions to Clegg Today

Q1 Jonathan Reynolds (Stalybridge and Hyde)

Q2 Stephen Hammond (Wimbledon)

Q3 Charlie Elphicke (Dover) 

Q4 Gordon Banks (Ochil and South Perthshire) 

Q5 Kevin Barron (Rother Valley) 

Q6 Andrew Gwynne (Denton and Reddish) 

Q7 Mr Stewart Jackson (Peterborough) 

Q8 Mr Mark Spencer (Sherwood) 

Q9 Toby Perkins (Chesterfield) 

Q10 Robert Jenrick (Newark) 

Q11 Gregg McClymont (Cumbernauld, Kilsyth and Kirkintilloch East) 

Q12 Dr Julian Lewis (New Forest East)

Q13 Mr Ben Bradshaw (Exeter)

Q14 Mr Graham Allen (Nottingham North)

Comments in the comments please…

Maguire Dave Dig Backfires

Perhaps Kev should have checked PA before his rant:

David Cameron is in Poland to visit Nazi death camp Auschwitz. The Prime Minister is travelling to the notorious site on the way back from Turkey, where he held talks with President Recep Tayyip Erdogan. The trip to Auschwitz, the first by Mr Cameron, was heralded in his speech to the Israeli Knesset in March. He has expressed his determination that memories of the atrocities are kept “strong and vibrant”.

A source points out the PM will be actually be on site during PMQs. Won’t be that easy for the leaders debates though…

PMQs SKETCH: Maso-sadism

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Our prime minister introduced this thrilling concept into PMQs just now, an entirely new sub-genre of the mainstream practice. What an exquisitely-tuned sensibility Eton produces in these matters.

He had been mocking Ed Balls, quoting his plan to be “tough on the deficit and tough on the causes of the deficit.” And as he was one of the main causes of the deficit, this was an example of “maso-sadism.”

Exactly how it differs from sado-masochism remained a tantalising mystery.

Labour erupted into a furious communion with itself and the House. What did he mean? What was this fascinating variation that only the elite have access to?

The Speaker attempted to calm his constituency. “We all know what he meant,” he said in a world-weary way. But it was unlikely he did know. Maso-sadism is strictly a Pop, P2, Order of the Garter sort of secret from which the Speaker will always be excluded (hence his loathing).

Perhaps realising he had given away more than he should, Cameron corrected himself. (That’s level one in M-S.) He laughed it off. He meant ordinary masochism. “I always said he could dish it put but he couldn’t take it. But I think he likes to take it as well.”

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WATCH: Dave’s PMQs Sadomasochism Slip

The Prime Minister whipped up a storm in the House when he fluffed this attack line on Ed Balls. Poor George…

UPDATE:

Freudian slip?

PMQs LIVE: Who is Asking the Questions Today

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Oral Questions to the Prime Minister

Q1 Robert Flello (Stoke-on-Trent South)

Q2 Julian Sturdy (York Outer)

Q3 John Glen (Salisbury)

Q4 Graham Jones (Hyndburn) 

Q5 Rushanara Ali (Bethnal Green and Bow) 

Q6 Mrs Mary Glindon (North Tyneside)

Q7 Stephen Timms

[…]

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WATCH: What Osborne Really Saw at PMQs

Guido did not receive a response when he asked a Treasury spokesman if the Chancellor had eaten disco biscuits on Tuesday night…

Via @holbornlolz.

[…]

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PMQs SKETCH: E.D. Phone Home!

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Good old Brooks Newmark, he hath done the sketch some service.

On a question about the inner workings of the penile system and afflictions of the testicles there he was, lounging behind the questioner in his paisley-coloured dreamland. He’s certainly […]

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PMQs LIVE: Who Is Asking the Questions Today

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Oral Questions to the Prime Minister

Q1 Albert Owen (Ynys Môn)

Q2 Ian Murray (Edinburgh South) 

Q3 Sir Oliver Heald (North East Hertfordshire)

Q4 Roberta Blackman-Woods (City of Durham) 

Q5 Pete Wishart (Perth and North Perthshire) 

Q6 Annette Brooke (Mid

[…]

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Quote of the Day

Adam Boulton says David Cameron campaigned as a neo-Thatcherite…

“The manifesto programme, with its sell-off of social housing, clampdown on public sector strikes, EU in/out referendum and benefit cuts, represents a much more traditional, neo-Thatcherite conservatism than that offered by Cameron Mk 1…”

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