Dirty Protest in Dirty Desmond’s Lift

News reaches Media Guido that a disgruntled employee took a dump yesterday in Express and Star proprietor Richard Desmond’s lift in the billionaire’s Northern & Shell Thames side lair.

After yet another round of sackings and budget cuts, it is not believed at this point that Dirty Des personally found the dirty deed.

Has Desmond’s backing of UKIP left his staff steaming mad?

Express Staff Told: Ban This Sick Filth

express

A mass influx of migrant fleas flooding the Daily Express newsroom has swept panic across the paper. Journalists were in chaos last night as hundreds of the blood-scrounging bugs descended past lapse security controls and arrived in their besieged office. Concerned Arts editor Clair Woodward vowed to launch a crackdown on newsroom filth after workers reported “having to wear Deet to the office”:

“Due to the amount of complaints about fleas, I have called in a chap from the City of London environmental health who will hopefully visit us  pronto and some of us might get to stop having to wear Deet to the office… nothing can be done until the culture of leaving food around in the office stops – flea-carrying rodents won’t take bait if there’s half a sandwich left in the bin next to your desk. Like our bitten colleagues, I’d really like to see and end to this once and for all, but I don’t want Mr Environmental Health to come to the office and tell us again that we’re not helping ourselves. Gestapo-like, I have noticed that food leftovers and packaging are still not being put in the swing-top bins, and packets of sugar (mice love it – some stole a friend of mine’s dentures she’d left on the bedside table as they had a bit of Cadbury’s Éclair stuck to them) left on tables, and food in packages mice can eat through in drawers.”

Experts last night warned the flea terror could see house prices rise by as much as 0%…

Friday Caption Contest (Dirty Donations Edition)

Entries in the comments please…

Pic via Spectator.

Compare and Contrast: Express English and Scottish Editions

Click to enlarge.

On the left, today’s Daily Express English edition warning of a “Pension shock for millions: New warnings over a massive drop in income”.

On the right, today’s Daily Express Scottish edition telling readers north of the border: “Pensions safer within the UK”.

The campaign of misinformation attempting to deny freedom for Scotland laid bare…

Sunday Express Hack Hired for Her Top Sauces

Among several changes in the lobby this month, the Sunday Express has hired regional reporter Caroline Wheeler to replace Kirsty Buchanan as political editor. Kirsty is off to spin at the Department for Communities and Local Government. By coincidence, a person going by the name of Caroline Wheeler yesterday submitted this FoI request to the House of Commons. Do we sense Ms Wheeler’s first Fleet Street splash, bound to rock the Palace of Westminster to its foundations, on the horizon?

Dear House of Commons,

I wold like to know the following information under the Freedom of Information Act:

1) How much has the House of Commons catering department spent on sauces and condiments in the past five years broken down by year?

2) What sauce sachets are available to consumers and have any sauces been withdrawn?

3) Has the provider of the sauce sachets changed at any point in the past five years?

4) Is HP sauce still available and if not who now provides the brown sauce and for what reason was this changed?

5) Has there been any policies introduced to save costs on complimentary sauce sachets for consumers in the past five years?

Please give details.

Yours faithfully,
Caroline Wheeler

 Sunday Express editor Martin Townsend must be on the edge of his seat.

Guardian Uses Word “Scrounger” More Than Any Other Paper

Seemingly the entire left-wing twitterati have been up in arms this week over analysis carried via LexisNexis showing that use of the word “scrounger” has rocketed in the British media since 2010. You might, if you subscribe to the Owen Jones thesis that there is a right-wing agenda cooked up in CCHQ to demonise “scroungers”, have expected it to appear more in the likes of the Mail or the Express than the ‘progressive’ metropolitan liberal press. The demonising is in reality coming from Owen Jones, who is relentless in trying to describe any reasonable attempt to reform welfare as an attack on the poor – he is desperate for a Cabinet Minister to use the term “scrounger” so that he can say to the 53% of the population that receives a welfare payment of some kind – including pensioners, war widows and the chronically disabled – that the government thinks you are scroungers. Not so. Guido has been crunching the numbers, and it turns out it is none other than the Guardian that uses the word most, followed by the Indy, where Owen has a column.

After carrying out a simple search of the word “scrounger” on each newspaper website for the period 2010 to date, the figures show that the Guardian used the word in 736 articles over the last three years. In second place is Owen Jones’ Indy, who – as he might say – “demonised the poor” 185 times over the period. Much further down come the right-wing tabloids: 76 for the Mail and 20 for the Express. Owen knows there is no public sympathy for people who abuse the welfare state, he also knows that the majority of the population, thanks to Gordon Brown, receives a welfare payment of some kind. Owen dogmatically refuses to countenance any welfare cut of any kind, that is why he is trying to encourage the likes of mothers who receive child benefit and deserving pensioners to align with those who are rightly losing benefits – fit people of working age who turn down jobs for example – he wants them to believe that welfare reformers think they are “scroungers”That is why Owen and the unpopular progressive sections of the media use the emotive term more than anyone on the welfare-reforming right…

Methodology: Because neither Google or LexisNexis include all paywalled sites in their analysis, Guido used each newspaper website’s own internal search engine to determine in how many articles the word “scrounger” appeared between 2010 and today. The respective Sunday editions of the titles were included with the daily for the purposes of this research.

Eurocrats: Express ‘Like UFO Mag, Dangerous For Mental Health’

Well the Express seems to have well and truly got under the skin of its Eurocrat foes this afternoon. The UK’s European Parliament Information Office has thrown its toys out of the pram quite spectacularly:

“Welcome to the brave new world of EU reporting at the Daily Express, where information is bad, transparency is dictatorship, civic rights are forms of oppression and checking facts makes you blind. We do not normally find it worthwhile challenging Daily Express euromyths. It would be like trying to engage UFO Magazine in scientific debate: a waste of time and dangerous for one’s mental health.  Moreover, we are used and resigned to the peculiar phenomenon of its journalists switching off all critical faculties when it comes to taking politically motivated anti-EU tirades as fact, then working backwards to try to fit the circumstances to the ‘crime’… Providing context and balance in a story is no longer the job of the Daily Express reporter, you see. If you want balance and context you have to knit it yourself. You’d be searching in vain for this context in today’s story, reader. You will not find it. What’s worse, your ignorance of the existence of sinister educational websites set up by the Houses of Parliament leaves your children vulnerable to the horror of ‘Soviet-style’ British propaganda right here right now, under your very nose and , needless to say, with your taxes.”

Of course the European Parliament UK Information Office is funded by the taxpayer, naturally…

REVEALED: Sunday Express Maddie McCann Photo Blunder

Last weekend’s Sunday Express went big on a story that detectives had got hold of a new photo apparently showing Maddie McCann in Brazil. James Murray’s splash did not run the picture, but reported that:

“Officers were happy for us to describe the potentially key evidence which shows a healthy fair-haired girl aged three or four in pink trousers, a green top and a blue hat. The child is walking along a road, possibly near a port or airport as there are many people with suitcases in the area. It is sunny with a palm tree in the background.  The photograph was allegedly taken in Brazil in June 2007, a month after Madeleine, three, was snatched from a holiday apartment in Praia da Luz on Portugal’s Algarve coast. The girl is holding the hand of a swarthy foreign-looking man aged about 50 with long dark hair and a beard. He is wearing cut-off jeans and a green T-shirt. Nearby, another man in checked shorts and a black T-shirt is pulling a red suitcase. There is no sign of a woman and the child looks out of place with the older men. 

Could this be the photo that the Sunday Express story was talking about?

It shows a young, fair-haired girl in pink trousers, a green top and a blue hat, walking along a busy road with dozens of people carrying suitcases. The sun is shining and there is a palm tree in the background. She is holding the hand of an bearded, middle-aged man with cut-off jeans and a black t-shirt, with a man in checked shorts pulling a red suitcase behind. The problem? This is an Associated Press photo taken at Ibiza airport in 2007 after a bomb scare. It was even used in a BBC report at the time.

Cold? You Were Warned…

Say what you like about the Express, they’re great at predicting the weather.

This cold streak should not have come as a surprise, the Express told you that it was coming all the way back in September.

Brrrr.[…]

Survey Says Sun the Least Trusted Tabloid

On a day like today it seems relevant to reflect on the public’s general distrust of tabloids. A Populus poll commissioned by lobbyists Open Road and released today has found that the public distrusts the Sun more than any other […]



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Quote of the Day

Tim Shipman to Adam Boulton on the TV debates…

“If Cameron gets in a car to go to the debate, Lynton Crosby will stage a car crash.”

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