June 20th, 2014

Keep in Touch With Guido

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  1. 1

    Way back in early October 2010, less than a week after his election to the leadership of his party, we were openly talking of DUEMA – Don’t Unseat Ed Miliband Association.

    The idea that he was a winner, for the opposite party. The subject was discussed for two years, both here and elsewhere.

    Is it possible that Ed and his entire crew missed the column inches, or miles, of this stuff completely? Did they simply ignore it? Or do these people only exist only in a parallel universe?

    Everything that was forecast is coming true. He is delivering in exactly the manner we said he would. How can they be so stupid?


    • 3
      I only read the Guardian Comments section for a laugh says:

      Exactly right. As we get closer to next May Miliband will get even more desperate and will look for a headline grabbing policy that will put Cameron on the back foot. Youth working schemes and environmental legislation isn’t enough; I sense an EU referendum pledge coming.


      • 4
        Bill Quango MP says:

        Pledge an owl for every European ?


        • 29
          Withnail (or is it I?) says:

          I want the finest owls available to humanity, and I want them here and I want them now!


          • Dial-a-Poofter says:

            Chat with chubby homosexualists in your area!

            They are waiting for your call!

            Min. £1.50 a minute on BT networks.


        • 185
          Seals and Crofts says:

          Who’s the bloke between Simon and Fat Boy?


      • 6
        The day went well for democracy, it died as the Wally's voted yes says:

        If Liebour gave us an EU referendum, it will be the same as the last EEC referendum we had in 1976 a YES, YES one, with the media saying yes.


        • 27
          Spartacus says:

          of that referendum, I have only ever met two people who admitted to voting yes.

          all the rest voted no.


          • I voted yes. But it was yes to EEC and what I thought was going to be free trade.

            If that were the proposition today and it was genuine, I would vote exactly the same way. No embarrassment at all about that.

            I never even thought for a Milisecond about voting for Blair though…


          • Uncle Joe says:

            Those who cast the votes decide nothing. Those who count the votes decide everything.


          • Anonymous says:

            Aged 20 I voted yes. But only on the basis of the lies that Heath put to the country. A traitor, should have been strung up.


        • 45
          The BBC's coverage of Ed's IN/OUT referendum says:

          Everyone must vote to stay in the EU, because 4 million British jobs depend on it. And if we leave the EU, we won’t be able to trade with Europe and everyone will start to rot and a meteorite will blat the Earth and send us spiralling into the sun. Or deep space.

          And now, we interview some black people in Cornwall who are very representative of Britain as a whole to see why they’re wisely going to vote to stay in the EU.


          • Diane Abbott says:

            What’s wrong with black people?



          • yaswhinge says:

            They hate us because we are women.


          • I can accept all sorts of tosh from Y A-B, but any claim that she is a woman is simply a step too far.


          • Ann, the poverty stricken accounts clerk says:

            Cat, English is such a wonderful language. In just one word we differentiate between a ‘woman’ and a ‘lady’ – and our deeply embedded traditional values tell us exactly what we mean with no further explanation needed. There are of course a few other words which might apply, but again not one of them needs any further expansion in order to convey an exact meaning.

            En passant, perhaps we should just ban everybody called Jasmine (or equivalent variants ) as they all seem to be totally loony lefty fukwits.


          • I have to admit that I have always had a problem with the second syllable in the word ‘fuckwit’.

            It is too generous by half for the intended recipient…


          • Ann, etc etc says:

            Ok. Fuckdims then. Ca m’est egal!


    • 70
      táxpáyér says:

      Latest gay boyband fails in #1 bid.


    • 201
      Seen It All, Heard Them All says:

      The same is true of the LibDems and Clegg. All know what will happen to the LibDems at the GE and after that Clegg will probably leave for Brussels. Yet, as with Foot and Miliband it is played out to the tragic end.

      Why? Because it is important to the front bench jugglers to keep the turkey alive until the front runners can get his job and proceed with a clean slate. Replacing him before the GE and one inherits the mire into which he has put the party.

      They care more for leading not winning.


  2. 2
    Free the Max One says:



    • 21
      The Growler says:

      “join the thousands of subscribers who get the Guidogram first…” you mean the narcissistic prats Geedes, they all feigned their dislike for Spitting Image, they all watched it, when the series all the MPs wanted to buy a puppet of themselves.


    • 22
      Socialism is theft says:

      Reservoir hogs.


  3. 5
    Father Jack says:

    Don’t tell me I’m still on that fecking island !


    • 199
      Nigel Evans says:

      Drrrrrriiiiink!!! Feck arse!!!

      Those are the things I’d like to do to that cute blonde twink second from left.


  4. 7
    Ellie-Mae (9) says:

    F*ck it, I’m just so full of race hate.
    I especially hate the race of tw@ts called MPs


  5. 8

    This actually happened:

    Vote UKIP :-D


  6. 9
    Prime Minister David Cameron says:

    The next person to use the word ‘owl’ will be disabled.


  7. 11
    Viperous Old Vince says:



    • 20
      Bert says:

      They’re LibDems, so who gives a shit?


    • 31
      Minder says:

      Get the silly old fool out of the pub, he’s had half a shandy already.


    • 82
      God knows what says:

      Plotting planning sneaking around briefing journalists and boasting to young ladies about his nuclear weapon and the old wanker is still on the front bench.
      He must have some serious sexual deviant shit on Clegg and the rest of the LibDems.


  8. 12
    Gordon, saviour of the Union says:

    As it’s nice weather, I’m going to St Andrews for the weekend.

    If any students fancy a Clown.vs.Gown rumble, come on if think you’re hard enough.


  9. 14
    The Vicar of Albion says:

    Private Eye were right on the money with their cover this week.


  10. 15
    Bloke says:

    Facebook? Does anyone still use that? It’s 2014!


    • 52
      The only thing good on this blog is the comments. says:

      The fossils in the photo above (in their weirdly 1980’s poses) seem to think it’s still relevant. Mind you, they still copy and paste from Twitter as if it’s still ‘edgy’ or ‘relevant’, as opposed to a seething sea of shit.


  11. 16
    cured lefty says:

    I can’t wait till next week’s Matthew shyite show ,he’s just got to have yasmin guesting…
    just watch his desk vibrate ever so slightly as he chuggs himself into a self congratulatory lefty orgasim on the delightful totally coherent indo paki carpetbagging ugandan fetching up in Britain and besting the tired old white stereotype . I mean I ask you if idi amin could spot these fuckers a continent off how the fuck did we end up this ungratful whore
    re getting fucked up the arsehole by the enemy and if you really think about it they are not the go to usual suspects!!!


  12. 17
    Alex Salmond, formerly the cleverest politician in Britain says:

    Ich bin ein Costa Rican!


    • 18
      Socialism is theft says:

      Their secret weapon is to drink a gallon of coffee before the match. Then they just piss on the opposition.


  13. 19
    Bert says:

    That pic of the four of you reminds me of the pilot for some sort of 1960s TV show — The Persuaders, say — made, however, not on a budget of £400,000 an episode, more like £12.50, with the desperate executive producer rounding up four geezers from the DSS on the promise of an afternoon’s work and a free feed in the teavan.


  14. 25

    “you can see what politicians fear the most”



  15. 26
  16. 32
    The Growler says:

    Poor kids, you have to have sympathy for them. I thought Boris would have been more suitable, sort of eastern block name


  17. 37
    Guido 4 U says:

    So if I have an accident that wasn’t my fault are you the guys I should call?


  18. 42
    nell says:

    Where is my free owl by the way? I would have thought I’d have got it in the post by now.Militwit promised it!!


    • 49
      Bill Quango MP says:

      there’s a backlog. Go online and complete form 235/kl/.gov [new avian silent flight nocturnal optimal}
      Complete schedule E and D

      Your owl should be with you by 2019


      • 73
        stun() says:

        Mine came squished in the laptop which finally arrived. Says ‘Runs Windowls XP’, so is already a tad out of date, though the nocturnal avian looks reasonably fresh.


        • 95
          Doris from Droitwich says:

          Where’s that mosquito net that the last idiot promised us. Went in American idol to tell us about how lucky we were to get them.

          And he promised an end to boom and bust. And a cure for cancer.


          • 101 dalmations and a mongrel says:

            Oh Doris, do keep up. He abolished mosquitoes. In fact the last one flew in about 1949. Where have you been all your life?


  19. 46
    nell says:


    I think militwit’s labour’s Free Owl policy is even more entertaining than gordon’s Elvis moment!!


  20. 50
    David Axlegrease says:


    • 57
      Cameron is a thick cunt but Miliband is even worse says:

      “Ed Miliband must go if we lose election”



    • 60
      Little beeboid people, mostly gayers says:

      Don’t forget us and the effnic block.

      Vote for any fuckin shit, they will.


      • 66
        JH26213-454635 says:

        Yup, mainly they will vote for themselves once they have the numbers.

        Then they and their (very) extended family get all the juicy graft and contracts, without needing to be plugged into the Labour Borg and patronised the life out of.


    • 68
      Kinnock never ran away from reforming Labour says:

      They can’t kick Ed out he hasn’t finished de toxifiying the Labour party of Blairites yet.


  21. 53
    • 69
      Genghiz the kahn says:

      Good day to bury bad news.


      • 106
        Albert's chainsaw sharpeners says:

        Bad day for him, it would have been a good day for us, but know doubt the taxpayers will pay his fine.


        • 170
          Fred the pensioner says:

          Yet another blasted Labour criminal MP to add to our ever growing list.

          20 years to life for what he did to our economy and education systems should just about cover it.. Oh, and another 5 for leaving the scene of a hit and run….


    • 130
      Balls does the thumbs up by the road says:

      Could lose his driving license. With a small majority to defend come 2015 what is he to do. As shadow chancellor he will need to be in London. As a sitting MP in a marginal he needs to spend as much time in his constitency.



  22. 55
    Harriet Harman says:

    I’m a Guidophile!


  23. 56
    Fabbers says:

    Four * and no piano?


  24. 64
    Little world cupboardd people, mostly gayers says:

    We want our money back. Saved for years we did.


  25. 65
    Balirites hate him Sooooo Much says:

    It’s going to be a hilarious year watching labour and the BBC having to support Ed Miliband and hating every minute of it.
    Suck it up wankers.


    • 79
      The BBC says:

      Why can’t we just go back to when everybody loved Tony, except it not be Tony, and him not be so right wing, we want it to not to be Tony and for him to be left wing.

      Like Miliband. Fuck.

      Look, we know people in this country aren’t really left wing but we have control of the fucking transmitters and we are going to make out they are like there is no fucking tomorrow.


      • 174
        Flaming Torches R Us says:

        Better watch out then – lots of Roma with chainsaws about these days (and all thanks to that beloved Tony of yours). We’ll be producing accurate maps of transmitter locations for them in due course…


  26. 67
    Genghiz the kahn says:

    Knives out for Ed?


    • 71
      How low can you go? says:

      Ed’s so bad a ginger bloke can last longer as Labour leader.


      • 84
        Anonymous says:

        We’re all white!


        • 98
          Diane Abbott says:



          • Princess Diane channeling Sol Campbell says:

            The only reason I haven’t been put in charge of the country yet is because the voters are racist.


          • Village Idiot says:

            …..I,ve voted since 1970, including ’75, when I voted “NO” in the European referendum!….I do not have the country I craved, quite the opposite,, which proves to me that our democracy is an illusion,and democracy is used as a tool to make the plebs feel as if they made a difference!
            Islam and Europe, two unresolved issues , one caused by a dodgy vote, the other foisted upon an unsuspecting population without any democratic permissions, so, I will vote, as I did in the euro vote, for UKIP, but I have seen through the fake , open to fraud, voting system!


    • 81

      Look at the comments on that article.

      Labour are more split than Octomom on a Sybian.


    • 88
      nell says:

      labour are utterly hopeless at removing disastrously failing leaders. You only have to look at their history!!


      • 96
        nell says:

        And a leader who, objectionably, continually points his finger at his audience during major speeches, like foot, kinnochio, gurninggordon and now militwit , are statistically very unlikely to end up winning an electoral vote!


      • 113
        EeeYepBlowing Whistles says:

        You mean their sorry and pitiful Marxist history – because behind every Marxist front of the Labour party – many labour dupes ‘still haven’t worked out who’s been funding them from a distance … Labour and its loons, goons and deluded dupes.

        btw The Tory party – have been duped ‘likewise’ from the equally evil and opposite direction – but don’t let on eh – the British Public will never ever find out!


      • 152
        • 154
          jgm2 says:

          Percentage-wise you lost every election for the past 100 years.

          28% of the 70% or so of those who expressed an opinion voted for the Maximum Imbecile. 0.28 x 0.7 ~ 20%.

          If Miliband manages to get a ‘majority’ with 35% of the voters that will be a thumping mandate of 0.35 x 0.7 ~ 25% of the eligible voters ie 1 in 4 of the voters yet the c*unt will still claim a ‘mandate’ just as the Imbecile and the war-monger Blair did.

          This is all, no doubt, for bedwetters and mass-murderer apologists very funny while it works in Labour’ favour. Right up until the Religion of Peace (RoP) with its in-built 100% postal vote multiplier takes over the country with about 10% of the votes.


          • It’s enough to make you consider electoral reform isn’t it?

            And for the 94th time. must postal votes, and most voter fraud, is tory.


          • It may be some sort of reality, Jimmy, but not as the vast majority know it says:

            Now, that is an extraordinarily warped view. I have seen plenty of complaints about fraudulent voting over the years but never once have they involved votes for Tories.
            What are you saying here – that Tories have the intelligence to cover their tracks while Labour don’t ?
            Besides, I’ve never seen anyone deny that out voting system has been rigged so as to be inherently biased against the Tories. No doubt you would suggest that it was the Tories who did that too.


          • No shortage of complaints I admit. If there’s one thing you’re good at it’s whingeing. The point is, like most of what you believe, it’s not evidence based. Check the stats for voter fraud convictions and see who is overwhelmingly responsible.

            “I’ve never seen anyone deny that out voting system has been rigged”

            I believe you. You should probably get out more.


  27. 80
    cured lefty says:

    Apart from chucky, harriet , the eagle bros et al (professional liars) who the fuck in their right mind thinks milliband has got what it takes
    if I’m going to get conned and make no mistake we’re getting humped 360 degrees by all.
    I’d rather admit dave boy smooth fooled me than the abysmally dysfunctional tit that leads the labour !


    • 93
      1992 re run I reckon says:

      It is the voting floater who usually decides the outcome of an election and I can’t see them floating in Ed’s direction at all.
      They’re not that desperate for change to vote for Labour let alone Labour led by that spacker.


  28. 85

    Czech Republic President has proposed abolishing Visa’s for Russ!ans:


    Vote UKIP :-D


  29. 99
    Ed Balls - Shallow Chancer says:


    • 102
      nell says:

      HoHum!! bullyballs in charge of the the Treasury and No 11, That would be like putting an uneducated kid in charge of a sweet shop!!!


      • 107
        Albert's chainsaw sharpeners says:

        Liebour did they put uneducated Broon in charge, the amount of money he used up , he must have restocked the sweetshop millions of times.


        • 118
          Flabby tabs says:

          Note the BBC only have it on their Leeds and Yorkshire page so few will see it. Now had that been a Tory….


    • 155
      jgm2 says:

      Him and his incompetent boss, the Maximum Imbecile, arse-r*a*ed the UK economy and now this utterly incompetent jackass wants another go?

      Are the voters really that fucking stupid? No wonder rich people keep all their money away from such incompetent jackasses.


      • 175
        Flaming Torches R Us says:

        Singapore is a bit hot, but otherwise lovely at this time of the year.

        Longest day today, so can stay up late!


      • 197
        Tim Yeo-Yo says:

        Are voters that fucking stupid?

        Have you not ever read one of Jimmy’s or Moussas posts? They’re not just stupid, they’re fullblown, bed wetting retarded.


  30. 100
    nell says:

    I wonder whether davemilitwit , who is currently having an absolute Ball in New York and really enjoying life in America , would consider coming back to try and rescue the labour party that his brother edmilitwit has trashed in two short years??!! I do hope not!!


    • 108

      Do you mean substitute Mike for Bernie Winters?
      It is only the crass ineffective spluttering marxist twat Ed that makes his brother a slightly less crass spluttering marxist twat remotely electable.


  31. 101

    Interesting body language looking at that pic.

    H@rry is about to thump Alex. Alex is going to parry the attack with his braces. Simon is aloof from it all but a sketch is forming in his mind. Our esteemed host has turned his back on it all.

    Yes, looks like a typical Friday at the shop.


    • 116
      Flabby tabs says:

      Whose the fat fucker on the extreme right?


    • 127
      Tachybaptus says:

      That’s not his hand. It’s a Cornish pasty.


    • 129
      Albert's chainsaw sharpeners says:

      I think the major shock in that piccy is neo Harry, how the hell did they get him to comb his hair, did they have to give him an anaesthetic or did they just tie him down and get guy the gorilla to comb it, I bet harry was so upset they must have used more than a piss up in a brewery to calm him down :-)


  32. 103
    Anonymous says:

    Wish this sanctimonious prat who threw away a seat would give it a rest for five minutes.


    • 122
      Albert's chainsaw sharpeners says:

      Has school term already finished, when is the party.


    • 157
      jgm2 says:

      Yeah. Louise Mensch.

      An object lesson in the pointlessness of box-tickling women-only shortlists.

      At least in the case of Mensch she was just about smart enough and rich enough to figure that traipsing through the lobby like a well-beaten sled-dog was less fun than quitting and living on her husband’s money.

      The real danger comes from the likes of Plankton such as Harman and Abbott who, were it not for their ticking of the diversity box, would be giving free blow-jobs just to have something warm in their stomach.


  33. 115
    EeeYepBlowing Whistles says:

    Yet another useless set of journos and hacks ‘become the story’

    Personally why didn’t Fabric state that he would punch her lieby lie fucking lights out – i would – just as i would melanoma phillips’.


  34. 117
    Gordon Brown says:

    ” Come on England “


  35. 123
    Good riddance says:

    Why is there such hysteria about the revelation that some muzees from Britain have gone to fight in Syria? I think this is the best news in ages. What can be better than muslims in the UK leaving to go and die in Syria? It means one less potential terrorist here and one less muslim leeching off the state.

    If anything, the government should encourage all muslims here to go and fight alongside their brothers in Syria. British Airways should offer free one way flights to any muslim who wants it. Good riddance muzees. You won’t be missed.


    • 126
      Sam the Skull says:

      Maybe they’ll manage to blow up their own airplane on the way over.


    • 134
      i am not a bummer but i do think jacob rees-mogg is very sexy says:

      well let’s hope they all managed to get passports.


    • 150
      Diane Abbott says:



    • 176
      Flaming Torches R Us says:

      The sensible thing to do now would be to deport every single member of the families of these cvnts to Damascus and do not let any of them back in. To be done by 4pm Monday would be ok.


  36. 125
    Gordon Brown says:

    I wish England well in the 2018 World Cup.


    • 177
      Flaming Torches R Us says:

      Are you still trying to keep the Union together or have you had a change of mind and U-turned (again)?


  37. 128
    Deja Vue says:

    World Cup 2014: Police investigate fans with wheelchairs pictured standing up during matches


    A group of supporters who appeared to jump out of their wheelchairs while watching matches at the World Cup are being investigated for possible ticket fraud.


    • 135
      Flabby tabs says:

      We’re these actual fans or the entire England football team?

      England, Probably the highest paid footballers in the world and the dopey useless twats cant even get through the qualifying stages.


    • 142
      Was there ever a useful person called Roy says:

      Well, Suarez jumped out of a wheelchair to beat England, so why not…


      • 180
        Flaming Torches R Us says:

        Roy of the Rovers – always overcame every obstacle to win (unlike the w*nkers chosen to represent England in Brazil)

        Roy Rogers – always got the evil black-hatted bad guys before the end of the film

        Roy Plomley – always played music from his lonely desert island in London W1

        (That’s enough Roys: Ed)


  38. 132
    i am not a bummer but i do think jacob rees-mogg is very sexy says:

    something coming through this blog via adobe flash appears to be rogue.


  39. 133
    Anonymous says:

    Any bets. Suarez will be playing for RM next season.


  40. 136
    Too Far, Too Fast says:


  41. 138
    Post-neoclassical endogenous growth says:


    • 140
      pookie snackumberger says:

      You seem to forget they are not nasty capitalists/Tories, but nice good labour people so even if they did this minor thing it was the right thing to do.


    • 146
      RED LEN says:


      • 149
        Diane Abbongobongott says:

        Just as long as he didn’t send his kids to private school. That would be wrong.


        • 178
          Flaming Torches R Us says:

          Can Theresa please deport Katz to Cuba? Sounds like a nice place
          at this time of the year…:-)


  42. 139
    Cat smoker from far away says:

    We don’t like your laws. We come to this country but we don’t have to obay your laws. If we want to smoke KAT that is up to us because we don’t have to abide by your stupid laws. If you dont like it you Inglish can fcuk off out of Ingland.


  43. 148

    I know short-cuts to passports……


    • 181
      Inside blowing whistles says:

      Yemeni greaseball Vaz can thank Tony for the high cost of a passport today. He was the one who ruled about 10 years ago that all such services should be “self-funding” (oh and make a few quid on the side please to help with the forthcoming austerity crisis). What we now have is the physical cost of a passport, plus a spot of hidden VAT plus another spot of theft of taxpayers’ money.


  44. 151
    Fred says:

    Older and fatter


  45. 159
    albacore says:

    Is this the Summer Solstice or All Fools’ Day?



    • 161
      GetReal says:

      Cause offence or hurt feelings, sentenced to 9 to 12 months in prison.

      But carry a knife or assault someone with a baseball bat and get a caution or a £75 fine.

      Justice under the SNP!


    • 165
      The Colonel says:

      RSM Cleese didn’t get as far as showing us how to defend ourselves against an assailant armed with a strip of bacon but both the muzzies and the judiciary could learn a lot from this excerpt from “Owl-stretching Time”:


  46. 183
    Prepared female says:

    My judo teacher told me that the easiest way to protect yourself from militant muzzies was to always carry an easily-openable jar of fresh pig’s blood to spray on them. More effective than a tazer apparently.


    • 187
      Blue Peter Goldfish says:

      You can still get pigs heads from traditional high street butchers shops, this will keep them at arms distance or you could hit them over the head with a copy of the Beano with Dennis the Menace and Rasher article.


  47. 186
    Genghiz the kahn says:

    Just as Ed Miliband thought it was a good day to bury bad news, The Guardian tries to bury him.


    • 191
      Roy Hodgson says:

      Politics is a game of two halves. Half the time the Tories are in letting in millions of immigrants. The other half Labour are in screwing the economy and letting in millions of immigrants.


  48. 188
    non taxable pikey says:

    Why ISIS needs obliterating, read the statement in full. They apparently have a direct line to All-ah. http://www.mesop.de/2014/06/20/alarming-statement-by-isis-on-al-hasaka-what-plans-isis-next/


  49. 193
    Anonymous says:

    “what politicians fear the most”
    Is it killer simple questions, that expose incontrovertible illogicality in the presented narrative? Since any absence of cogent responses suggests, it’s mere ideology based on a less than imperfect invention. If only they could face up to and address the obvious, even Isis could be dismantled peacefully piece by hypothetical piece.


  50. 194

    I bet Guido loves getting a good touching from strangers hahaha


  51. 195

    I would imagine that members of that team love getting in touch with strangers


  52. 198
    gildedtumbril says:

    Time to set up your own party, Guido!


Media Reader

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Find out more about PLMR

Austrian Chancellor Werner Faymann on Cameron’s refusal to pay the £1.7 billion EU bill by December 1st:

“Well, then he’s gonna pay on December 2nd”

Mycroft says:

Have you read the last bit of Animal Farm?

You know where the animals are looking through the Farmhouse window?

My TV screen was that window at lunch-time today.

Be careful, the sudden self-congratulatory tone, the slightly pudgy outline of indulgence and you become exactly what you should despise.

The jolly face of the Quisling Cameron poses for your camera has mesmerised and deceived you, you who were once not so deceived.

You were no firebrand, you were a damp squib in my opinion, sorry.

You need a damned good kick up the ahse!

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