April 9th, 2014

PMQs SKETCH: Ed, the Final Victim of Miller’s Resignation

Six questions on Maria Miller’s resignation, or five questions and a peroration.

Is that what’s meant by “holding the Executive to account”? It’s just as well Recall isn’t in place, Ed’s feet wouldn’t touch the ground.

He fired five blanks, got two potshots off and finished with a summary of his discontent in four disjointed sentences. Viz:

1) “He just doesn’t get it.” (Did someone shout Bingo?)

2) “He needs to learn profound lessons about how he runs his Government.” (Does he? From this, the passing zephyr of an insignificant minister?)

3) “The Culture Secretary went not because of her bad conduct but because of her bad press.” (This must have been a line left over from the pre-PMQs planning session.)

4) “He promised in Opposition to be an apostle for better standards and he’s spent the last week being an apologist for unacceptable behaviour.” (It was the big line. Apostle/apologist. Ed put the ass in assonance.)

It wasn’t an easy topic, and while friends and foes will have different reactions, objective observers will agree the Leader of HM’s Opposition made a complete **** of himself. Too strong? A complete @£$% of himself.

To go through the exchanges.

The plan was to ask Cameron a simple, innocent question – what had he learnt from the episode.

Cameron said the lesson was not to over-react and instantly dismiss someone. Not a bad reply, in the moment.

Miliband, assuming he was going to have no answer said, “He has no answer.” Friends winced. Then he said, “What in his view did the Culture Secretary do wrong?”

This cunning question can either be answered with a list of her crimes (and the PM denounced for not acting earlier), or by saying she didn’t do anything wrong (and be denounced for being out of touch).

But Cameron played a cleverly dead bat. “She set out the reasons for her resignation in her letter.” That avenue was henceforth blocked. It was bollarded. Which didn’t stop Labour trying it. In their do-or-die stupidity they seemed almost like Tories.

Cameron continued: “She was accused of a serious offence, housing her parents at public expense. She was cleared of that allegation.”

That is correct. But Miliband, assuming the second line of his prepared argument was in play said: “I’ve got to say to him, it will be completely unclear to the country why the Culture Secretary is not still in her job. Because he thinks she did nothing wrong.” (A general, “Huh?”)

Ed himself had to itemize the wrongdoing: “She refused to co-operate with the inquiry. She breached the Code of Conduct. She gave a perfunctory and inadequate apology to this House.”

Put like that, it hardly seems worth a resignation. A perfunctory apology? He had to pull something special out of the bag.

It was time for the damaged puppy.

It’s an expression he sometimes uses, to hint at a bruise of the soul. He put it on to tell the Prime Minister he had made “a terrible” – and it was more a groan than a word, a suffering groan – “a terrible error of judgement.”

The poor boy, how could the PM do this to him? His faith – his very faith – in politics has been damaged by this terrible error of judgement?

What language will he have left when a terrible error of judgement is made? Making Rachel Reeves shadow chancellor? Doing a Rubik’s cube at Conference, eyelids fluttering.

For all his public suffering, for all his indignation on our behalf, when Miliband scores a debating point, he lets his teeth out, laughs like a horse, and looks around for applause. It’s all about him, still, not about the issue. That’s what makes him sixth form.

So, if some brutal electoral arithmetic does make him premier, no one should be surprised when he demonstrates his own brilliant judgement by invading the first Middle Eastern country that puts its hand up.


  1. 1
    Jo Moore says:

    No Comment

  2. 2
  3. 3
    Anonymous says:

    I hope you’ve not been paid for this.

  4. 4
    Spartacus says:

    HMRC anyone?

  5. 5
    Tim Yeo-yo says:

    Excellent sketch. Milliband really is a hopeless twunt who is well out of his depth.

  6. 6
    Norma Stitz says:

    Bollocks Anonymous. I enjoy his sketches.

  7. 7
    Shocked of Sheen says:

    He’s a **** .

  8. 8
    Labour is the nasty party. says:

    It,s the Muppet show., Thank you Ed, you just keep on giving.

  9. 9
    Anonymous says:

    As a sixth former, I must object to being compared to that idiot.

  10. 10
    pissed off voter says:

    Milliband did mess up but nobody needs him to realise how badly Cameron handled the affair.

  11. 11
    You are toxic scum says:

    I assume Ed will be cleaning out the scum in his own party, the PIE three.

  12. 12
    up sit says:

    play the special drum on the head, with your medium size fingernail, and taste the “rainbow”.
    The drum is indian. It is called dholki. the drum is inside the skull.
    .some confusion is inevitable at present
    free to blow some poppers karl, scooter libby.

  13. 13
    Garfield says:

    “he lets his teeth out, laughs like a horse” close but I fell he brays like a donkey.

  14. 14
    Behaving rudely says:

    “What language will he have left when a terrible error of judgement is made?”

    Sniffing up an attractive female co-panelist on a TV show has yet to be explained.

  15. 15
    Garfield says:

    should be feel

  16. 16
    Ockham's Razor says:

    Mili shot his own fox there.

  17. 17
    up sit says:

    got a fred perry jacket yet.
    100 quid for you ma.
    cause i feellike
    now that logo of his. stick the thumb in slide away towards the centre and away from the heart. taste the “ain

  18. 18
    An idiot says:

    As an idiot, I must object to being compared to Milliband.

  19. 19
    Don't look this way, look over there says:

    Interesting listening until he mentioned Russell Brand, good April 1st joke.

  20. 20
    Sodomites' friend Dave says:

    ‘Attaboy Guido! Double rations of Brazilian rentboy for you tonight!

  21. 21
    jgm2 says:

    Is this the same picture as last time?

    Miliband looks like his entire face is squished up against a pane of glass.

  22. 22
    Blue Peter Goldfish says:

    The hearts are not really in it when it comes to fiddled expense claims, 648 cases of… there, but for the grace of God and the standards commission :-) go I.

  23. 23
    Blue Peter Goldfish says:

    NHS nose job.

  24. 24
    jgm2 says:

    He looks like the strapped a pane of glass to the front of his head for him to lick.

  25. 25
    C O (Ξ7p) says:

    This should be put on T-Shirts / Mugs and displayed prominently on the Underground:


    The plan was to ask Cameron a simple, innocent question – what had he learnt from the episode.

    Cameron said the lesson was not to over-react and instantly dismiss someone. Not a bad reply, in the moment.

    Miliband, assuming he was going to have no answer said, “He has no answer.” Friends winced.


    Right there is nearly every reason not to have Ed as PM.

  26. 26
    Rock vs hard place says:

    Ed Noted:

    “The Culture Secretary went not because of her bad conduct but…

    Obviously couldn’t criticise her conduct because he knows full well Labour troughers have been/or are still at it.

  27. 27
    nell says:

    It’s no good this man just does not have any charisma or anything about him that says he’ll make PM in 2015 – the very thought of him in no10 after the next election is enough to make ones blood curdle and it’s nothing to do with his leftwing politics.

    This man simply does not have the makings of a leader.

  28. 28
    Geedo's reverse Spectacles says:

    You are of course joking.

    Cameron was on the ropes for all of that.

  29. 29
    Mong the Miliband says:

    Ed went full retard: “He has no answer.”

    Advice for Ed:

  30. 30
    Gordon Brown says:

    I’m still leader, aren’t I?

  31. 31
    cured lefty says:

    Labours older voters must wonder “how did we end up with this utter fudd”

  32. 32
    The Edminator says:

    I’ll be cack.

  33. 33
    nasal ed says:

    i don’t agree with that in the workplace

  34. 34
    Harriet says:

    This is all pie in the sky to me.

  35. 35
    Anniversary says:

    It was a year ago yesterday that Maggie closed her thatch for the last time.

  36. 36
    What a future for this once great country says:

    In the last 10 years we have had Gordon Brown raiding our pension funds, expanding the annual state spend over income in his last year of office to £170 billion a year not counting PFI’s, we have Milliband completely out of his depth but in the grip of the Unions and likely to become PM next year through the rigged labour vote. Salmond and Sturgeon in Scotland massively overstating future income, and not concerned that there will be a massive exodus of tax paying business, promising child care unlimited for all,an oil fund with money that wont exist, no defence concerns, bullying anyone who dares to question their lies, and again likely to win the referendum in Sept with persuaded? votes from the central belt where folk obviously believe , governments somehow create money from their own cleverness. rather than hardworking taxpayers. God the future looks bleak for our children .

  37. 37
    Steve Miller Band says:

    As the Steve Miller Band, we object to Ed Miliband.

  38. 38
  39. 39
    Shocked of Sheen says:

    Well put Sir.

  40. 40
    jgm2 says:

    You can just picture Useless Ned with his rehearsed decision tree of ‘If he says X then reply THIS, if he says Y then reply THAT.

    Cameron replying with Z totally blows him out of the water.

  41. 41
    Sarcan III, Kebab King says:

    Miliband gets skewered by Carr like a kofta kebab. Very good sir!

  42. 42
    Andy Burnham says:

    Hey, you left out my glorious record of mass murder.

  43. 43
    Bring Back Gordon says:

    Miliband is useless, he turns an open goal in to lost cause. How he managed to lose PMQs today is beyond me.

    Labour must be nostalgic for Gordon Brown

  44. 44
    Patty Hewitt says:

    Lessons have been learned.

  45. 45
    jgm2 says:

    I think that’s one of the reasons Brown is still hanging around. In his fucked-up head he still believes he was a great chancellor and PM and that Labour will, in their hour of need, turn to him for advice and leadership. That and quarter of a million a year in ‘expenses’.

  46. 46
    Blind_leading_the_blind says:

    Think it can be finally revealed that Cameron writes these sketches – if you thought Ed was bad, your performance throughout this episode has been appalling

  47. 47
    Hypothetical says:

    Let’s say by some horrendous misfortune Labour win the election. Everyone knows Ed wouldn’t be prime minister for long. Within a year, after a series of calamities, the Balls junta will circle and depose him in a bloody coup and then the true horror will be unleashed – Ed Balls as unelected prime minister. This is the genuine terrifying threat posed by a Labour victory.

  48. 48
    Bellshaggers_Feast says:

    What sticks in the mind of the public most –
    Whassisname’s bland but correct remarks – or the other thing?
    The stench of self-centred human greed tends to out-stink the anything as innocuous as a Wallace impersonator.
    What effrontery to suggest that unearthly demotion from cabinet (and parliament next – hopefully) is anything but permanent!
    Now to plan a dual carriageway to go slap-bang through her desirous residence!

  49. 49
    Mong the Miliband says:

    True, but despite Ed’s full retard performance, Cameron came out of it limping.

    The announcement from Basingstoke tonight may be the final cherry for now.

  50. 50
    John Motson says:

    Its a penalty! Miller has gone down..it looks like a dive..That must be a penalty..what’s the Speaker going to do here..Miller is protesting it was an accident..It looks like just a warning…No! he’s reaching for a card..

    Its yellow !.. but surely that was a red card offence? She should be off, surely?
    The fourth estate officials are having a word..And the crowd are making their voices heard.

    And She’s off! He’s sending her off..Two yellows..for some reason it was two yellows..Bercow seems hopelessly confused here..The Prime Minister is protesting..

    And its Miliband to take the spot kick. Now..what’s going on…Miller the goalie has been sent off. So its Miliband against a concussed Cameron..

    Miliband shoots to the extreme left..And misses by a mile..oh dear of dear..what a terrible penalty..But what’s this!
    He’s going to take it again? Surely not? But Bercow is saying have another go..

    He goes swerving to the left again..! And missed again!

    But there’s a rebound.. He’s missed again!..off the post..back to Miliband..
    he’s hit the bar! He tries a reaction header …keeper palms it away easily..to the feet of Miliband ..He steadies himself
    Powers a left footed shot at goal ..

    but the ball has come back off the frame into Miliband’s own face and he’s knocked himself out!

  51. 51
    nell says:

    I don’t think militwit has yet worked out that his childish whingeing against everything the government does rather than trying to develop his own strategy and policies to offer people is just turning the electorate off him.

    He always comes across as a disgruntled irrational teenager whose parents refuse to give him everything he demands. There’s nothing grown-up about him.

  52. 52
    jgm2 says:

    To be fair that reads a lot like Cameron’s performances against the Maximum Imbecile about five years ago.

    Time after time, Labour idiocy upon idiocy served up on a plate and Cameron still couldn’t do better than rattle the upright.

  53. 53
    He hasn't got a leg to stand on says:

    Word of advice to that annoying twat Oscar Pissedorius. It’s no good turning on the waterworks every five minutes when you were photographed grinning with your mates on the way to the pub just hours after you were granted bail. A bit hard to swallow the grief stricken act with that, you dickhead.

  54. 54
    Len McCluskey, Labour Leader says:

    Ed, come over here. You did a piss poor job. No dinner for you. Now bend over for your spanking.

  55. 55
    S_Alone says:

    Leave that one to Sylvestwearer

  56. 56
    Gothcher says:

    Whats the definition of two rows of cabbages?
    The Miller Country Estate after the Townies clubbed together to buy her a new drive!

  57. 57
    Boris Carloffe says:

    Poor Littlebrain, he had his questions and response prepared. He had rehearsed it well, even down to his facial expressions when he wanted to appear very annoyed and serious, and then she went and resigned.

    How unfortunate, his little brain couldn’t react quick enough, and so, like his budget response, carried on regardless.

    I know they are filming again some old handcock scripts, who know his luck might change and one or two Carry on films might be recreated, and then fame and fortune might come as he would be a perfect fit for a staring role

  58. 58
    'Len' Manager says:

    Is he hurt?

    not badly gaffer.


  59. 59
    south of the M4 says:

    Nope. And Ed is no good either.

  60. 60
    Boris Carloffe says:

    He doesn’t have the making of a man!

  61. 61
    Blue Peter Goldfish says:

  62. 62
    Haven't got a leg to stand on says:

    I thought I heard a burglar in my bathroom so I got my gun and blazed away. I didn’t try to see what was happening, I didn’t stop to challenge them or even shout a warning, I just lit them up! That’s my defence and I’m sticking to it.

  63. 63
    Nemesis. says:

    I despair at the whole rotten lot of them. Miliband with his ineffective stance on virtually everything even with an open goal, Cameron and his gang of nodding donkeys sat with him unable to answer a question and looking like the prevaricating twat that he his, Clegg sat there looking all serious just like the hypocritcal fuckker that he is.

    This parliament building at PMs Questions contains the biggest collection of reprobates, cheaters and downright thickos ever to be gathered in one place at one time. Oh, if only we had a real Guy Fawkes!

  64. 64
    Steve Coogan can go & fuck himself! says:

    ” “The Culture Secretary went not
    because of her bad conduct but
    because of her bad press.” (This must
    have been a line left over from the
    pre-PMQs planning session.)

    Thank God we have a half decent press or that mad cow would not have come to public & the electorate w none the wiser!

  65. 65
    Tim Yeo-yo says:

    You mean he’s like Owen Jones only without the retarded Owen Jones policies….yet!

    He might start to come up with some soon and that will be terrifying. Be afraid, be very afraid.

  66. 66
    Nworb Nodrog says:

    Look in the mirror – do YOU look like a leader? Do you sound like a leader? Do you ACT like a leader?

    Answers on a postcard please to:
    G. Brown Esq.,
    Kingdom of Fife,

  67. 67
    Frank's Son says:

    I think you protest too much Guido. All things said and done, Miller is still a corrupt, troughing, dishonest and not at all sorry EX minister. Miliband is just as big a prat as Cameron. NONE of them get it. I sometimes wonder if you get it.

  68. 68
    Jack says:

    Where’s my bbc b/f Santiago?

  69. 69
    quelle surprise says:

    “by invading the first Middle Eastern country that puts its hand up.”

    Looking at Ed’s record, he’s likely to choose Israel.

    On top of that he’s likely to do it on a Sunday as his oh-so-clever friend Ed Balls told him that their lord and master Gordon says Sunday is the day of rest

  70. 70
    mary Whitehouse says:

    He most certainly isnt a joker

  71. 71
    Heathcliff Cameron says:

    Maria is a liar to the end.

    Mariaa! I cannot live
    without my life! I cannot live without my
    soul Mariaaaaaaaaaaa

  72. 72
    "Sir" John Major says:

    Sleaze will always be with us.

  73. 73
    Neil Hamilton says:

    No, I joined UKIP instead.

  74. 74
    gildedtumbril says:

    To hell with a postcard. How’s about the back of a definitive stamp?

  75. 75
    stushie says:

    Unfortunately ‘Ed’ is too much up his own arse to react to ‘Dave’s’clever swerve.
    If McCluskey has any sense he’d dump Brer Rabbit NOW.

  76. 76
    http://bit.ly/1n4k1Qb says:

    But you told us already that you’re an ex-politician.

  77. 77
    Anonymous says:

    Milliband! He really is a sixth form common room TWAT! of the first order. For F!ӣ sake!He snatched defeat from the jaws of victory!.

  78. 78
    Jimmy Saville says:

    Now then, now then

  79. 79
    Dave says:

    I have made a complete Horlicks of this. I now look shifty and cliquey for having defended Maria Miller, but treacherous for having told her to go after I had promised to defend her. However, I am still PM for a bit longer, so it doesn’t matter.

  80. 80
    gildedtumbril says:

    My analysis of the hoc. It consists of 650 shysters, charlatans, scumbags and scalliwags all of whom are scoundrels and guilty of malfeasance,(The misappropriation of public funds while in public office). It ought to be a capital offence. And…of course all guilty of high treason which is still such.It earns the rope or the axe.

  81. 81
    Archbishop Anthony Blair, VC says:

    Amateurs, the lot of them.

  82. 82
    Genghiz the kahn says:

    Bristol’s Mayor upsets the locals over parking zones. A tank takes to the streets of Clifton. Perhaps it should have driven round Basingstoke.

    Coverage via Bristol Post.

  83. 83
    Gene Hunt says:

    He should have stayed at the Forrest Gump level.

  84. 84
    Tony Blair says:

    And uh, yunno, mine.

  85. 85
    rick says:

    So do I.

  86. 86
    Grumpy old man says:


  87. 87
    Corby says:

    Problem for Millipeed is that it was his Labour MPs that Miller an easy ride, and he konws that many Lab MPs exploit the gravy train for all it is worth. Bad though the Tory MPs have been on expenses nonej has gone to gaol unlike a Lab ex minister and another only escaped goal by pleading mental incapacity.

    However, i suspect the typical voter is nt interested in the political point scoring: they want to know what is going to be done to put the HoC in order. Millipeed was notably silent on that.

  88. 88
    Grumpy old man says:

    Err…. Brer Rabbit got everything correct.

  89. 89
    Grumpy old man says:

    The Conservative’s older voters are asking that about Dave.

  90. 90
    Not in my name says:

    Let us just remember that the committee that allowed MM the mighty discount on her repayment is led by a Labour MR.

    Cameron did get this clearly wrong but please, no faux outrage from Millibrain Minor

  91. 91
    BlackJack says:

    Check it out.


  92. 92
    Equilibrium says:

    Milliband was hopeless on this occasion, as on many others. Unfortunately the media have treated his performance more favourably than he deserves.

    Cameron was in a no-win situation. And the quasi-UKIP denture gnashers on the right of the party weren’t going to be doing Miller any favours in any case.

    One up for Farage. One step nearer the premiership for Milliband.

  93. 93
    Iain says:

    All the ducks lined up in a row and the millipeed makes a botch of it. What a clown!
    Perhaps he was worried a little ray of sunshine might illuminate the inability of his own party to fill in expense sheets honestly, if he became too vociferous, so he cut the tories a little slack..

  94. 94
    Equilibrium says:

    So … er… can you point me to a country with political representatives that do meet your high standards? Or would you prefer a form of government with no elected representatives at all? I think you should stand for parliament yourself and show us how it is properly done.

  95. 95
    Equilibrium says:

    How interesting.

  96. 96
    RetardEd Millitwat and his brilliant shadow puppets and liabilities says:

    Yeth, I am a bit of a danp thquib, but VOTE for me!!! I’ll be an abtholutely bwillint PM!

    Either that or that abtholutely top chap Ferage, and all of hith thuper pwomitheth (drowning in phlegm at this point)

  97. 97
    Long John Silver' s parrot says:

    Best get rid then.

  98. 98
    Anonymous says:

    What possessed Unite to back him ? he has never had the faintest whiff of charisma, personality or anything else that makes a person likeable.Its a fecking mystery.

  99. 99
    Anonymous says:

    I realised that about Ed when we were in Millie Dowler (RIP) mode at every opportunity, it was a vile exploitation of the situation and was unpleasant.

  100. 100
    Anonymous says:

    The vomitting into a bucket every 5 minutes is pissing me off as well.

  101. 101
    Brown for Pope says:

    It is very difficult to be more useless than the spineless waste of space that is Camoron, but Millipede does it! What a complete and utter cock! Is Millipede a Tory plant I wonder?

  102. 102
    gildedtumbril says:

    I am too old, dear boy and fast approaching the barbecue. 40 years ago…perhaps. But even then all the parties were shit.

  103. 103
    gildedtumbril says:

    If he is a tory plant would that be an arsepidistra?

  104. 104
    Anonymous says:

    Well, more if he thethz thith, then reply thath..

    hopeless twat/

  105. 105
    A Compere says:

    As a compere, I object to being put beside Milligan. Or an idiot. Or a sixth-former.

  106. 106
    M­a­­­­q­bo­­ul says:

    That’s young Ed that is.

  107. 107
    M­a­­­­q­bo­­ul says:

    ..er, because Ed messed up.

  108. 108
    The Critic says:

    I agree, a leader who can snatch defeat from the jaws of victory is indeed not going to last long. What was Ed Balls doing with his arms during Ed’s dead sheep savaging of Cameron? Are his body movements voluntary?

    Ed M is unable to work without a script,so perhaps he could just send a recording to the next PMQs. Dave could select responses from an options menu. More interesting than their real exchanges.

  109. 109
    Rabid dribbler says:

    And the unions wanted him ahead of David???

    Calls into questions their collective intelligence…

    Oh sorry, they don’t have any.

  110. 110
    Sir Barrington Minge says:

    Did you notice Ed Balls during PMQ?

    No, neither did I

  111. 111
    David Miliband says:

    As David Miliband I object to Ed Miliband

  112. 112
    Ed Miliband says:

    My plans for PMing.

    If Putin says X, reply This
    If Putin says Y, reply That

    If Putin invades Poland, look like I’ve swallowed a large gobstopper.

  113. 113
    D L George says:

    Cash printed by thieving banksters post 2010…
    400 Billion? Maybe less?
    Insignificant taxes raised by Jo public post 2010…
    Approx Four Trillion!

    Basic mathematics suggests your talking b*llocks Mr Kaiser.

  114. 114
    Ed Miliband says:

    Because I sucked Len McCluskey off.

  115. 115
    Ed Miliband says:

    Nah at times we wonder how we ended up in power. But then we look at the opposition.

  116. 116
    Jeffrey Bernard says:

    Milibandwagon is an unprincipled, populist lightweight.

  117. 117
    Labour Monkey Balls says:

    Yep terrible Minister for sport and culture. Absolutely terrible. But she was Minister for sport and culture. She couldn’t have caused any damage if she tried. And now she’s gone.

    Miliband wants to be Prime Minister. And he’s still here.

  118. 118
    Harriet'sHairPie says:

    None of this would’ve happened if a Woman like me were PM, because then all the women MPs would be folloowing MY lead instead of being influenced by horrible men like DC. It’s simple really. If a woman messes up, it’s because of horrible men in power setting a bad example.

    Now leave me alone, I’ve woman equalty quotas to work on…I’m about to announce that all newborn baby boys should be given the option to have a sex-change op if they would rather have been born as girls….and that the mother should be able to decide on the baby’s behalf.

  119. 119
    Iain says:

    Is it not time the creature’s constituency recalled her and did away with her?

  120. 120
    Anonymous says:

    “holding the Executive to account”?
    Given that we appear to be living in a topsy turvey wonderland. Where wrongs are rewarded, and right is vilified. Might not any leaders worth their salt abandon defending the indefensible, and go on bended knee to heros like James Patrick (the police statistics whistleblower)? To ask if he will take on the task of policing future crime figures. Otherwise the cost of Hillsborough will be no more than a small down payment, on the eventual price of the downward spiral into institutional delusion. Where rather than making the punishment fit the crime, its more about ‘making’ reality fit a prescribed rendition.

  121. 121
    EU Central Kommissar says:

    Mr Miliband will not be available next week – there are problems with his micro-chip and he needs to be re-programmed at the workshop in Brussels.

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Boris on British Jihadis. Apparently based on MI5 intel:

“If you look at all the psychological profiling about bombers, they typically will look at porn. They are literally w***ers. Severe onanists. They are tortured. They will be very badly adjusted in their relations with women, and that is a symptom of their feeling of being failures and that the world is against them. They are not making it with girls, and so they turn to other forms of spiritual comfort — which of course is no comfort.”

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