Friday Caption Contest: Career Development Edition
Reform the House of Lords | Nigel Farage
Labour Members Don’t Believe Ed Can Be PM | Rafael Behr
How China Bought Britain | London Loves Business
Why Dave Shouldn’t Check His Twitter | Buzzfeed
Young People Getting More Libertarian | ConHome
How to Write a Dan Hodges Column | Left Foot Forward
Politicians Made This Mess | Douglas Carswell
Magna Carta – Walking in King John’s Footsteps | Anna Raccoon
How to Stop Reckless Bankers | Guido Fawkes
Tories Double Younger Support | Guardian
Public Prefers Boris to Dave | Times
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Andrew Pierce on Ed Balls…
“Porky Shadow Chancellor Ed Balls sweet-talked guests at a fund-raising dinner by saying if he wasn’t a politician, he would be a chef. That’s not surprising, since he was accused of cooking the Treasury books when he was Gordon Brown’s boot boy.”
UKIP Official Policy Dept says:
Bloody foreigners, coming over here taking all our twitter followers
“Do you slum it here often?”
Lord Rennard: I think I’ve just turned gay.
“Sit on my knee and let’s see what pops up.”
Remember when you said you hadn’t had a shag for ages….
I will be making a lot of very funny comments below
I was told off about making too many comments.
Now I just post once, and then use a different monkier for my other posts.
One of my fakes won it once.
Free the Golders Green Nonce Four now!
Trolling the all above on Caption Contest is about as low as it gets.
You should get help.
So, what part of Ming do you come from?
HELLO BOYS ……
http://oi46.tinypic.com/2qi093d.jpg
“No – I said ‘Do you like being tethered?’”
Sorry, love, Carina asked me as well, but I just couldn’t.
FFS don’t get your tits out.
If we hidz unda the treees dem drones wont see us innit
“Look! No hands!”
Can i cum up and see you sometime
“You know I`ve a reputation as a groper? But with you Sarah, I`m making an exception”.
Why didn’t you try and touch me up then? Is it coz I is …?
I would like you to help upstairs with our penetration in Eastleigh.
https://twitter.com/NightClubFails
“I don’t agree with gays getting married either Sarah, would you like to suck on a mussel?”
You are old short and ugly
Yes, bt I am an MP
What would you say to an in/out referendum ?
Sorry Sarah, I have to draw the line somewhere.
Rennard: I’ve got your belt in my pocket. You forgot to put it back on.
See with my hands above the table you are safe.
Im sorry Sarah but we already have the seven that we needed for this Christmas
Look I can Fix it for you.
Sex raises its ugly heads.
“Listen honey, just a finger of fun up yer bum and give yerself a treat”
“I’m sorry Sarah, you are just way too old for me”
so you want to be in the cabinet? get under the tablecloth and we will see what happens
You are too old for Hancock and too young for Huhne, join my short list Sarah.
Kinda on the cusp for me; more like an older sister or young aunt than a “Mom” type, for my money anyway.
the hamster romance
Comment redacted for legal reasons.
I’m not wearing pants.
what position do you fancy?
He’d been told that women liked it if you laugh at their jokes but even he wasn’t that horny.
Want a ladder to get down fron that chair ?
From cabinet post to bed post?
I’d tether her.
What nice jugs you have, can i have some
yes sarah, you left your knickers upstairs.
along with your saddle and reins
Fancy a seat in the House of Lords?
He may be big John to you Sarah but to the rest of us he’s little John Bercow.
Is he THAT fucking desperate? FFS!!
Yes Sarah, we may need to use the bridle suite…
If I get on you get on.
Freddie Star ate what?
I’m stumped.
He was a lecherous eminence gris, she a voluble, though dim, backbencher morally inconsistent on gay marriage; when they met it was in the same party as Lynne Featherstone.
Should’ve gone to Specsavers
+1
Would you like to be part of yet another Lib Dem cock-up?
Can we discuss my plans for the coming erection?
“My foot? I was just supporting your candidacy!”
Yes, of course we can both claim this on expenses.
Look, Sarah, when it comes to you I’m at the end of my Teather – or my party’s, that is…
The uneatable in full pursuit of the unspeakable.
Lib Dem speed dating is never going to be the same without Lord R
Has all that water made you feel bloated. Now how about working for a friend of mine who hasn’t seen you do stand up
Oi! Judge! Noooooooo! Stop milking the attention and just deliver your fucking decision on bail!
Yeah, he sounded more like a judge on X-factor!
Cover-up! By not sacking The Man With No Shame, politicians and civil servants are colluding to protect one of their own. The public are sickened by such cynicism
By IAN BIRRELL
” I don’t want to be this way. I am lonely, I am lost. I mean I am literally lost, I have never been in this part of the Strangers Bar before.”
I’m Rennard
My knob is well hard
Come round my place
And I’ll sexually assault you in the knowledge that the party top brass won’t do anything about it.
You gotta give head if you wanna get ahead.
A lord in your hand is worth taking one up the bush
“We all have little foibles, Sarah. Would you like to see my little foibles?”
If you’re not up for it, I’d rather tether Sarah.
I’d like you on the end of my tether, Sarah.
“Hello little girl, would you like to see my polling”
He is not going to get his leg over by plying the lady with evian water!
You don’t have to worry about Cleggie, he does what he’s told.
Just put your hands round the water jug – that will give you a rough idea.
LOL
The Lib Dems 24 hour approved UK ‘entry visa’ for speed daters gets off to a bad start.
Er, while you’re down there….
Wow, I’ve found the biggest prick in the pary.
I’m gonna get on a plane to South Africa to go and punch this fucking judge who’s been taking over an hour just to announce whether he’s granting bail or not.
he’s been passing questions to the jury
How many speeding points did you say ?
I’m telling you because you can talk eye to eye with Bercow.
Who’s fucking removed my comment about him doing her up up the brown hole because she looks like a swollen mong?
Rennard: We’ve never had it so good!
Teather: I’ve never had it.
If I kiss the toad will she turn into a beautiful princess
or
He is saying to himself – Don’t look at her tits, don’t look at her tits, stare across the room, just don’t look
“You’d probably be the best I could ever hope to come up with, and vice versa, in any real-world scenario, but we live in the Westminster bubble, don’t we? Power is an aphrodisiac, they say, which is why we both think we can do better than each other– but we really can’t, if we’re being honest…”
Sarah: I suppose a fuck is out of the question?
Look Sarah, normally it would be a no.
But fcuk it, YOLO !
Can I have a Midget on the Rocks, please.
You’re fu*ked if you do, fu*ked if you don’t.
Don’t you find me attractive?
If they were to have a baby together, would the mong turn out even worse looking than Prezza?
Finds a new joke.
Let us face it, we are both fucked.
I can make things very hard for you.
Best comment by far. My congratulations maestro.
Forget Nick, he’s just a little prick.
Go ugly early.
I agree with Nick – you’re fu*king ugly.
“Sorry Sarah. Gotta draw the line somewhere”!
What do you mean stand up? I AM standing up.
That’s o.k., I’ve always believed small is beautiful.
Pistorious gets bail.
The rich and famous always get bail.
What a pair of pricks.
If you join me & Carina and Chris upstairs, I’ll show you why it’s called a bi-election.
Sarah I know my reputation goes before me, that I allegedly fook like a Rabbit, but I never ever fook Gerbils or Hamster (lookalikes).
However,coincidentally LibDems will push for a Bestiality clause in our next coalition agreement with Labour.
Just expel the c-unts.
City University in London has been accused of discrimination by a group of Muslim students after it started locking a room used for Friday prayers.
A group of students have formed Muslim Voices on Campus, calling on the university to reverse its decision.
The group said it was being “unjustly targeted”.
City said it acted because students had refused to submit the proposed content of sermons to the university before prayers to check its “appropriateness”.
Wasif Sheikh, who leads the group, said: “We feel we are being unjustly targeted. All of our sermons are open, we welcome all students and all staff.
“But when you start submitting your sermons to be monitored and scrutinised then there’s a chance for it to be dictated what’s allowed and what’s not allowed. We, as students, don’t accept that.”
Thank God for Drones!
Did someone call? Want me to do a gig do you?
At least it’s not a real university!
Now, if you just open your legs a tad more, you will feel something warm and moist, don’t worry it’s only me, a little party trick.
Ok then Chris it’s agreed, l’ll wear a paper bag over my head if you fcuk me squealing like a pig
surprise, surprise : Sarah needs a ladder.
surprise, surprise : Rennard offers a leg-up.
Lib Dems plan their next cock-up.
Peter Griffin and his daughter Meg, on a recent visit to London…
Shut up Meg!
oscars bailed … this has the makings of an OJ type spectacle in the SA courts…the presiding official sounded like a real bumbler
Roses are red,
Violets are glorious,
Don’t try to surprise
Oscar Pistorius.
I think I’m at the end of your Teather
Ardour cools as he realises the water glass has a higher IQ.
I am the new 8illy – it is quantity not quality that counts
Trolling someone on Caption Contest is about as low as it gets.
You should get help.
Darlin’ girl. I’ve had Dr Skinbacks Horn tablets.
No, I don’t know! Why is this place called the Kit Kat club?
Well, its all to do with fingers. Are you a two or a four?
No, I’m not Mr. Colchester!
Apparently Oscar Pistorious wanted a new bathroom door but his missus was dead against it.
Nice- you sick bastard!!
Hell for Teather.
” So just how liberal are you ?”
“And if you work for me, I’ll let you wear my ermine”
“No thanks dear, I may be an old letch but I do have some standards”
My wife doesn’t understand me.
ST – Please grope me, please. Please, please, please.
Norris’es dastardly other brother arrives in Wetherfield and chats-up barmaid in the Rovers Return.
(Teather) Are you going to leave the tip?
(Rennard) No, I’ve just pulled my fly up!
I’m not like the other LibDems you know – I’m straight.
Cheer up, Sarah. I’m stupid, fat and ugly too but that’s actually an asset in the LibDems.
Look sweetie, if you turn me down you get Mike Handycock, it’s a no brainer.
I think ermine here!
Slowly, but precisely, Lord Rennard manoeuvred the mini-cam on the toe of his right shoe……
If I put my hand down your knickers what will I get?
Your name on a register?
“Not sure if I’m Rennard or Falconer, are you.”
“Uncomfortable, aren’t you.”
Do you have a Pussy, Cat?
You look like one of the girls in this month’s Razzle.
“The creatures outside looked from pig to man, and from man to pig, and from pig to man again; but already it was impossible to say which was which.”
Look Sarah, it’s either you or the ‘gay corner’ over there.
Did you know that there is at least one atom of Schrödinger’s cat’s pee in that jug of water?
‘Can you be short and get to my point ‘
You will be careful,’cos i,m small,..and very,very tight?….
If I leave you unwhipped you’ll only bore me with a rambling nonsensical explanation that nobody understands
How did you do that with your hands above the table?
Miriam, I just know that I’m a lot better in bed than Nick.
Sarah,just feel under the table to discover how big I am on the stump.
Rennard’s beer goggles deliver in spades.
I cannot beat that one
Brilliant!!
When Speed Dating goes horribly wrong!
Your perfect for the job, the right height and nice flat head.
Fugly Convention 2013.
Don’t worry Sarah. Rennard’s diabetic so probably impotent.
And. Now young man….
Have you any thoughts on the career path you would like to follow when you finally grow up ?
I agree with Nick.
‘Eh Chris, she is just as ugly as your ex and not even as funny!’
Nudge, wink, ‘Could I interest you in some speeding points?’
In hunting circles that’s termed teathering an old goat.
i am going to slip my finger into your ring you fucking hobbit
Don’t worry little girl – I’ve got a copy of the operation Ore list yeu know! and I know who all the journo’s on that list are; besides the judges, legals, MP’s, police, and the captains of industry. We are the untouchables.
“Why don’t we take our water with us upstairs to my room ?”
Don’t worry they even let oscar out, yeh but they took his legs off to stop him doing a runner
if that’s what it takes, Clegg can keep the job.
Good Christ I pity the poor sap who has to judged these predictable, schoolboy (sorry to insult 14 year old boys!) “jokes.”
Tedious.
I’m coming to the Teather on my end.
Even if you can get my honourable member to stand, my dear, there’s not much chance of a lost deposit.
Don’t worry dear, if I honk your tits that’s as far as it will go. They don’t call me a limp dim for nothing.
I feel you’d make the perfect height for an ambitious Lib Dem PPC.
Dinner time at “Porkers R Us”- with added horse shit, sorry, meat.
Sarah, not only will I be taking your cherry, I’ll be doing you a second favour. I’m offering you the chance to avoid being labeled the Ann Widecombe of the Liberal Democrats . . .
“What do you mean, exception? I am not making an exception of you. It’s always easier to get the knickers off the ugly ones. You are on my list”.
Give me a wank with your lips and you don’t have to bend down Sarah
I know I am a grossly obese ugly man but you are my only hope. Don’t you find pleasure in these fat slobbering lips?