December 5th, 2012

Wormtongue Speaks

Sir Jeremy Heywood has rather intriguingly penned a piece for today’s Indy, stepping into the public eye to plug his ‘crusade’ for open government. As ever Wormtongue was at his disconcerting best:

“For as many years as Britain has had a centralised civil service we have been rather good at collecting information. From the first censuses in 1801 to the creation of the Central Statistical Office by Winston Churchill, the amount of information gathered and held by Government has exponentially increased as our society has become more complex. Today we hold  raw information on everything from pupil performance by class, crime levels on every street in the country and the success rate for every single operation in your local hospital. We can even tell at the touch of a button how late your train into work is likely to be.”

Big Brother is watching you…


  1. 1
    Gordon Brown says:

    I left a golden economy.

    Sorry, I mean I gave the economy a golden shower.

  2. 2
    Kebab Time says:

    I do all i can to avoid watching Big Brother, but i can do nowt about big brother watching me.

  3. 3
    Tom Tomos says:

    We don’t have any trains here…

  4. 4
    Imposter civil servant says:

    And of course we share any sensitive information with our investment banking masters

  5. 5
    Posting 4000 weeks straight says:

    Truly profound, B1lly.

    When did you last have a bath?

  6. 6
    Tom Tomos says:

    Or gas, or mobile phone signals, come to think of it.

  7. 7
    Welshracer says:

    Sir Humphrey Appleby is smiling from heaven……

  8. 8
    Thought Leadership says:

    Nominated for biggest pratt of 2012

  9. 9
    Websters Dictionary says:

    Civil Service

    A fast breeding reactor that needs ever increasing amounts of money fuel, while delivering decreasing amounts of efficiency.

  10. 10
    Rupert my Hero says:

    Indeed but still no one can predict when my wife will say ” Yes “

  11. 11
    Bob Patriot says:

    Heywood; Usurper of democracy. Traitor to the British people. EU lickspittle.

    I long to see him swinging from a lamp post on Whitehall.

  12. 12
    Mike Taylor says:

    Wowee! Jeremy Heywood’s Dad was an English teacher at my school his “rabble” (offensive nickname) was “worm”.

  13. 13
    Super Injunction says:

    Media blackout re: Rebekah Brooks’ court appearance today. Application for charges dismissal >>

  14. 14
    JH324234 says:

    Society has not become more complex. Government has just made it feel that way, that’s all.

    You go to work, and hope to have enough left over after tax to have a half decent quality of life free from state interventions.

    Harder and harder to do.

  15. 15
    WVS says:

    You dont know 1% of that mans venality and treachery yet. His sole purpose is to stop the British regaining control of their country, parliament and democracy.

    A dangerous man – an extremist at the heart of our Government who has the sworn intention to end our sovereignty.

  16. 16
    Tom Watson says:

    OH !!!!!!!!

  17. 17
    Mark Oaten says:

    You’re all full of shit!

  18. 18
    I Remember You Hoo says:

    Just the one?

  19. 19
    Big Brother. says:

    We know what you had for breakfast but we haven’t a clue about how many illegal immigrants are here.

  20. 20
    FFSFOFF says:

    Actually, we share your information with anyone who can tap into our woefully protected servers.
    That includes your HMRC income tax account.

  21. 21

    Even Gordon Brown wasn’t mad enough to make Ed Balls Chancellor

  22. 22
    Gonk III says:

    Ok big head, what’s my dog’s name ?

  23. 23
    I don't nee d no doctor says:

    Labour are a party of negativity and no viable solutions to anything.

  24. 24
    Anonymous says:

    sex and drugs and rawk,n,roll.

    50 shades win award.
    the drug of the elite, meddling in wars, this time syria, commeth.
    when elite throw us a rock they are on a roll.

    be a charioteer. rein in your energy.
    experience it.

  25. 25
    nickleaton says:

    Yes you can.

    1. You can watch them, and then use their procedures to complain and make a fuss.

    2. Publish what you see them doing. Drip drip drip it will bring them into contempt.

    see MP’s continual fraud on expenses. Still at it.

    3. Push for release of information such as this

    4.7 trillion of debt hidden off the books. Treasury say they know nowt. Liars.

  26. 26
    Nadine Dorries, celebrity and part time MP says:

    All that information to hand and still posh boys Cameron and Osborne don’t know how much a pint of milk costs.

  27. 27
    Anonymous says:

    or with anyone who travels on the train.

    some are accidents, some are signs of incompetence and others are by design

  28. 28
    The obscene London bankers says:


    The scandals are coming so thick and fast that it is difficult to keep up with them

    Just look at this friend of “Lord” Mandelscum of “Ethics and Lizards”…

    Chairman of HBOS but not reponsible

    Gets life peerage and runs of with millions.

    Leave multi billion pound bill for the taxpayer to pick up—says-ex-boss-paid-815-000-Former-bank-chairman-blasted-MPs-peers.html

    Is there no limit to the oibscenity of these people?

    PS And the CEO of HBOS Crosby got a promition after doing the same thing to become Deputy Chaierman of the Financial Services Authority which was “responsible” for stopping this zombie behaviour…

  29. 29
    Ex-Conservative Voter says:

    You can go to and download Tor. That keeps the state off your back.

    Camoron’s £1.8billion ‘super snooper’s’ system trashed in under 5 minutes, and for free.

  30. 30
    Dave "Butch" Cameron says:

    London Last Night: Anna Friel’s nipples warn passersby of impending cold snap

  31. 31
    Lord Madoff Mandelson says:

    I am getting filthy rich boys

    I know I ran the biggest Ponzi scheme in British history

    But you have tyo pay it all off

    And the bankers still love me

    Toodlie poo

  32. 32
    The Woolworths fire of Turner Prizes says:

    The next big thing in TVs: 84in set is wider than a car (and at £22,500, it costs as much).

    Now available on benefits.

  33. 33
    Fatbot the Chocaholic says:

  34. 34
    Lord Mandelspawn - Lizard International says:

    I am so intensely relaxed my sphincters muscles are like jelly

  35. 35
    Mr Pedant says:

    “From the first censuses in 1801″

    What about the Domesday Book of 1086?

    And didn’t the Romans hold a census?

  36. 36
    Jimmy says:

    Quite right. Train timetables are a gross violation of train operators’ privacy rights.

  37. 37
    Trans Fat says:

    How can someone so fecking large and rotund be the shallow public health minister?

  38. 38
    Features Editor of the Tatler says:


    I think I will put her titties on my front page

    Or should I send these photos to the Huffington Post to titillate their non-Tatler readers…

    PS On second thoughts, they seem to be dropping a bit, don’t you think?

  39. 39
    I don't nee d no doctor says:

    Tom Watson is a slug.

  40. 40
    Pollyrant says:

  41. 41
    Johnny says says:

    “Today we hold raw information on everything from pupil performance by class, crime levels on every street in the country and the success rate for every single operation in your local hospital. We can even tell at the touch of a button how late your train into work is likely to be.”

    And yet they believe knowing all those figures will somehow make incompetent policies begin to work. No. It just provides a steady stream of evidence for the civil service and policy wonks to cherry pick from.

    Transparency over what the state is collating is good and they can save money by collecting less data.

  42. 42
    Ex-Consverative Voter says:

    What about all the information on hand that Man-made Global Warming is nothing but a product of the febrile imaginations of socialist mongs, but Camoron’s still allocated £2,000,000,000 of OUR money to ‘wind farms in Africa’. Whilst cutting healthcare in the UK.

    How many people sick people in Britain are going to DIE for lack of treatment because of Camoron frittering-away £2,000,000,000 on African windfarms?

    Camoron = c**t.

  43. 43
    Harley Street Rearend Specialist says:

    I thought I had replaced those “muscles” with one of my special pink plastic anuses, reserved for dignitaries like you…

  44. 44
    Anonymous says:

    Article in the Independent? Simply Heywood looking to further expand his influence with his left wing cronies. It was a bad day when the civil service gained access to Information Technology systems.

  45. 45
    David Cameron says:

    BBC News “Final day to claim EuroMillions lottery prize of £64 million”.

    In other news, George Osborne is desperately looking through Government bins for £64 million lottery ticket.

  46. 46
    When is freephone not freephone? says:

    Had to catch a bus the other day and I could not make any sense of the timetable, all i can sy is that Mrs Joans down the road should enter brain of Britain.

  47. 47
    Anonymous says:

    be local…. be simple…. be open.

    as the elite become globerati,,, we need to be the opposite.
    switch the tele visual device OFF.

    create your own image, dream your own image, nah, get in touch with the one image in you that define you, that is your mission statement…..what you get irresistably pulled towards when the tele is off and you feel safe and nourished.

  48. 48
    Revolving Doors says:

    I have all the confidential information any bank would want

    We share it between my bank and Tony’s bank you see

  49. 49
    Sandra in Accounts says:


    Put the fork down, for pities sake.

    Think of your son, at that posh school.

    Imagine how it is for him when what looks like a mountain of blancmange in an industrial bin bag turns up?

    And try to think of the starving children in Africa when you over consume at the taxpayers expense.

  50. 50
    Phil says:

    He is a thick as a plank. The colossal logistic tail of civil servants, which is running into millions, garnering this info may as well be sitting at home twiddling their thumbs for all the good they are doing. I would be surprised if 5% of the data is actually used practically which beggars the question Why TF are we paying billions to civil servants to gather it in the first place?

  51. 51
    Jeremy "Morgan" heywood says:

    Please keep my seat warm at the Bank Jonathan

    I have form you know

  52. 52
    The General Public says:

    It’s so funny how Heywood tries to make the civil service sound like a futuristic super-agency – every employee the top-gun in his or her field, processing vast quantities of data using state-of-the-art technology to further human understanding and quality of life.

    When in real life it’s the exact opposite.

  53. 53
    Ex-Consverative Voter says:

    Why bother trying to save money? Seriously. Why are we bothering? Whenever Camoron saves money, he sits back and thinks, “wow! By scrapping some of our defences, I’ve saved £2billion!” and then the money starts to burn his little fingers until he leaps from his chair and exclaims, “f*ck it, I’ll blow that £2billion on African windfarms.”

  54. 54
    Bollocks to Getting a Pseudonym says:

    Cutting healthcare in the Divided Kingdom? No, it’s only England where that’s happening. Health is a devolved issue.

  55. 55
    Anonymous says:

    but they truly appreciate them, they are happy to pay a lot more than the original price.

    the purpose of money is to show appreciation and the uncivil masterly elite certainly use money correctly.

  56. 56
    SpAd says:

    Only a British civil servant would consider being able to let you know that your train is likely to be late to be some kind of noteworthy achievement.

  57. 57
    A former guardian of the state's knowledge says:

    Lucky for us most of the people who hold all of the data are innumerate tossers!

  58. 58
    A former guardian of the state's knowledge says:

    I can easily accept that the Treasury know nowt.

  59. 59
    Anonymous says:

    Don’t forget the Cleveland Steamer.

  60. 60
    Hanging is too good for them says:

    A British civil servant would be appalled that anybody kept people informed.

  61. 61
    an imartial observer says:

    Curious an organisation with such a wealth of information available “at the touch of a button” has such great difficulty distinguishing its arse from its elbow.

  62. 62
    Who Want's Some?! says:

    How true, the ‘civil servants’ I’ve seen seem to all come from the same genetic pool, fat women with a too high an opinion of their role, lazy and crap at the actual job. Their main function is to delay, lose and cock up any task given to them, whilst shoveling handfuls of ‘indulgence treats’ down their gobs sat at their desks.
    All the data in the world won’t help UK Plc. in the shit storm of the next 5 years, we’re bust and our elite know it. They just want to fool the moron majority that the ‘good times’ will come back if you just hang on a bit longer. Utter bollocks and they know it.
    Small government, even smaller tax, pull out of the EU and restore the sovereignty Parliament.

  63. 63
    A religious scholar says:

    Only so the baby Jesus could have a fairy tale place of birth. They weren’t counting heads – especially four by twos. Only Roman citizens qualify to be counted.

  64. 64
    Labour/lib coalition 2015 says:

    That won’t protect you from us opening your emails in 2015.

  65. 65
    Living in 98 percent white Merseyside says:

    I agree about what she tweets about faith schools.

  66. 66
    Living in 98 percent white Merseyside says:

    We have trains – every 15 mins to Lpool Central and with a 98.5% punctuality rate. Of course I can ride on them for free.

  67. 67
    Living in 98 percent white Merseyside says:

    So every household in Tottenham will have one by the weekend.

  68. 68
    Living in 98 percent white Merseyside says:

    Diane, reach for a pickle instead of a pie.

  69. 69
    Living in 98 percent white Merseyside says:

    We don’t need timetables. Our trains from where I live are 4 per hour to Liverpool and increase to 8 per hour at Birkenhead North and 12 per house at Hamilton Square.

  70. 70
    YorkshireLad says:

    Does it tell them when they can f*ck off?

  71. 71
    JH324234 says:

    No TV license paid in this household, thanks.

    I watch about 2 hours a month average, online. In the unlikely event there is something on I actually give one about watching.

    I challenge anyone to not watch TV for two weeks. Then be honest about how it makes you feel when you go back to it – it is a machine designed to induce irritation, anxiety and pointless consumption.

  72. 72

    I’d be surprised if more than 5% of that selected for use was accurate – as opposed to rigged to fit the policy being proposed or justified.

  73. 73
    post hoc says:

    So much information, and no intelligence whatsoever.

  74. 74
    post hack says:

    That’s the whole point – they don’t understand or use technology – they’d rather rely on the Downing Street cat to do the real work of government!

  75. 75
    Clare Deloon says:

    These days they are no longer convents; all gone to madrassahs every one.. When will they ever learn etc..

  76. 76
    Clare Deloon says:

    The Dulux paint card was a worthy winner.

  77. 77
    Clare Deloon says:

    Anyone seen a red USB stick lying around anywhere?

  78. 78
    Clare Deloon says:

    I worked in an office where I could not communicate with my staff upstairs as we were on different computer systems!

  79. 79
    A Slug says:

    ‘Scuse me mate, we are very particular whom we allow in.

  80. 80
    Seth Afrikaan says:

    I lived in the boondocks in Africa for 4 years and we had no telly at all. Can’t say I missed it actually.

  81. 81
    Seth Afrikaan says:

    But Dave told us at PMQs today that this sort of carry on only happened in Labour controlled councils in Wales.

  82. 82
    Seth Afrikaan says:

    Cold milk is said to be very refreshing…

  83. 83
    Seth Afrikaan says:

    Yes, the guarantees on all the ones they nicked last year expire in 10 days.

  84. 84
    Seth Afrikaan says:

    Special K is a load of bollocks. Do none of you recall the scandal a few years ago when they were tested against normal corn flakes for sugar content etc and found to be just as bad. Special K is just a marketing ploy to make you feel good about yourself, but you might as well tuck into the real thing anyway.

  85. 85
    Clare Deloon says:

    They probably did, but the population then was something under a million – not 62+ like we have these days.

  86. 86
    Clare Deloon says:

    At 12 per house there can’t be much room in the dining room. All aboard.

  87. 87
    Clare Deloon says:

    If their input typing is up to the general standard on here, it is no wonder we are, in the words of one of his ex-colleagues, truly f****d.

  88. 88
    Big Brother is dead says:

    The people with the fight the Big Brother zombie.

  89. 89
    Damned Impertinent Questions says:

    we know everything but strangely missed that world financial crisis thingumy

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