The winner of this week’s wit-fest will receive two tickets to the Spectator Debate on the evening of Monday 29th October. It’s the battle of the Chancellors – ‘George Osborne isn’t working – we need a Plan B’ - Lord Lamont V Alistair Darling.
On the panel with Darling will be David Blanchflower and Lord Oakeshott. With Lamont, Sajid Javid MP and one further speaker.
Usual rules apply…
Real Swivel-Eyed Loons Are in Number Ten | Telegraph
Bozier Accepts Caution | Political Scrapbook
Getting to Know U-KIP | ConservativeHome
Farage Telegraph Advert | Political Scrapbook
Cameron’s Leadership in Trouble | Tim Montgomerie
Tories Need to Behave Like a Governing Party | Lord Ashcroft
Dave’s Mates Do Hate the Grassroots | Melissa Kite
Dave Can’t Rely on Party For Loyalty | Tim Bale
If Dave Were President He’d Have Resigned By Now | Alex Wickham
Loongate: What Happened in the Blue Boar Bar | Simon Walters
Feldman’s Tennis Days With Dave | Telegraph
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
Tom Harris bemoans the public’s attitude to politicians…
“Mr Oborne echoes the lazy, anti-politics whine we hear so often these days, all based on the absurd notion that politicians were once loved and only fell out of public favour during the expenses scandal. He should take a walk to the Strangers’ Bar. But not to sup with the patrons he seems to despise so much, dearie me, no; he should instead look at the paintings on the corridor outside the bar, which depict the devastating fire which consumed most of the Palace in 1834. And he should reflect on the fact that on that dramatic night, as the Commons went up in flames, a crowd gathered on the South Bank to clap and cheer.”
The thing that Dave needs to work out is which group is more likely to vote Conservative. Mad swivel-eyed loons or mad homosexuals wishing to get married.
Sorry Sir, I still had the safety on, would you mind just repeating that last bit…?
Mitchell – Heckler AND Cock.
Er, look, I’m really, really sorry this time PC Pleb. Can I keep my job now?
“It’s more than my job’s worth.”
Winner. Hands Down
We run this place. If we don’t put you down now, we’ll take you out in six months time….
Mitchell: “Do you want to put your weapon in my basket, Hossifer?
Mitchell: “Wanker!” PC: “say it again, and I’ll have diminished responsibility”.
“Go ahead Spunk, make my day”
So who is the pleb now monkey boy?
Watch out old man or I will crush you against that wall and the establishment will keep it quiet for 23 years.
Sir, I am arresting you for being in possession of an offensive attitude. You are not obliged to say anything, but everything you have said would suggest you start running, as I thinking something beginning with “FIRED!!”
It’s a bit much now picking on bicyclists
“Are you feeling lucky, pleb?…. are ya?!”
You misheard me sir I said “that’s a big lock on that bike”.
ARMED POLICE!
STEP AWAY FROM THE BASKET OR I WILL BE FORCED TO SHOOT!
Are we a police state?
Rugby Wall game not as good as Eton’s
Yes, that’s right sir, if you just leave the bicycle there, then stand against the wall and make sure you face me …
Tell Dave we are coming after him next…
Just say the magic word sir, and I’ll let you through.
“No, i said “fucking plod” officer”
Or
Officer > “One way you will be fired”
Say a word and I’ll blow your nuts off!
it wasn’t me officer, promise. it was my body double.
Is that a bicycle pump in your hand or are you just pleased to see me…….Sir!
The nice thing about living in America in a pro gun state is that last week I was at an outdoor range shooting the same gun the copper has.
Strange caption – and you fire a gun, you don’t shoot it.
Strewth, what an ignorant git.
“‘…….effing Pleb!”
“……..effing Basket !!”
Hold on Constable, can you just check with the Masons first?
WHF is a sodding copper walking around armed?
To protect fine upright politicians like him of course.
I have an apple in each pocket
The winner of this week’s wit-fest will receive two tickets to the Spectator Debate on the evening of Monday 29th October. It’s the battle of the Chancellors – ‘George Osborne isn’t working – we need a Plan B’ – Lord Lamont V Alistair Darling.
What’s the second prize?
Four tickets.
3rd Prize is a Week with Gordon McMental listening to how
he totally fcuked the economy in 13 years…….
Mitchell, just back with the groceries, prepares to whip up something unspeakable.
“Sir, I need you to take off your shirt and give me your phone.
We are conducting routine searches for offensive T shirts and twitter messages. I need an MP5 to protect myself from being offended.”
^This
Yes, clear winner.
You don’t get it. We will tell whatever lies it takes to bring you down.
What was that about being a pleb?
To reduce his unpopularity, Mitchell considers changing his name to Sir Jimmy Saville.
One bike is as good as another?
Mixed reviews at the unveiling of the new Victoria Pleberton range.
Lying note changing coppers!! #Hillsborough
Armed unit called to investigate a stupid old basket.
If I stand still he might not see me.
I’m going to fill you full of P(le)B
(Think about it)
Thought about it and it was even shitter
Shittier, surely/
Even more shit, surely?
Possibly, but don’t call me Shirley.
This little pleb had an MP5…
Just step back against the wall and close your eyes sir….
Heckler & Cock
No I am not the man from the Pru
“Excuse me Mr Hockney but you can’t smoke here.”
You’re quite sure Officer? Under the 2002 terrorism act the penalty for failure to stop at a gate is death by firing squad?
Mitchell looks shocked as he sees Gordon in Westminster
“Let me go or the basket case gets it.”
Silly man. Don’t come onto me with all the polite words. Your like has to do as they are told now…
Plod starts crying after someone calls him a socialist twat
Called Socialist , to be fiar , would up set most people
With apologies to Mr F Mercury
I want to ride my bicycle bicycle bicycle
I want to ride my bicycle
I want to ride my bike
I want to ride my bicycle
I want to ride it where I like
“”I’d recommend a head shot sir, quick and pain free”"
We’ll be sorry to see you go that way Moussey.
(Actually, we won’t)
“Can you let me back in again please officer”
If you move two paces to your left and turn 180* sir, you’ll clearly see the writing is on the wall.
Sir Norman Bettison misheard Sir Jimmy Savile’s instruction to just beat them with a whip.
“”"Its called a bicycle sir, you ride them by moving the pedals”"
Pleb Meets Plod
What a pair of Ponkers Rodders
“Right, you fucking pleb. Shoot Yvette Cooper’s Balls off.”
Policeman : “Be on yer bike, pleb!”
Run that ‘Pleb’ thing past me again…
Don’t shoot, don’t shoot, you f****** pleb!
Mitchell “so how many Scouse plebs have you killed today then?”
“Excuse me Officer, can you tell me the way to the Job Centre?”
Got to shortlist this one!
Got the police federation on my side. Don’t even think it….
I am a what???
Right, I’ve got the uniform, you’ve got the shackles and oh, you did have a whip didn’t you?
“Oh Officer is that ‘semi’ for me…??”
Good one – I like that!
(Corrie that is)
“can’t wait to see you fully cocked”…not you Little Red Planet!!
Mitchell says “my statement was factually accurate . Unless you really do know the difference between a Mote Spoon and a Runcible Spoon?”
“I have no ‘fork’ an’ chance…and nor do you Plebmesiter”
This is a ‘Heckler & Koch Mark 23’ pistol sir, whereas you are a ‘Fecking Cock Mark 1’.
This week’s prize doesn’t appeal to me either.
Nor me. Who wants to sit in the same room as LibDem Lord Jokeshit ??
….there as just so many
This is a ‘Armsel Striker Semi Automatic’ sir, whereas you are a ‘Arsewipe Stinker Fully Automongtory’.
If it was a bottle of decent malt up for grabs I’m sure you’d do better than that.
…another for you smoggie
This is a ‘LMT-Defender Semi-automatic carbine’ sir, whereas you are a ‘MP- Defenceless Floppy Haired Automongtory Carbuncle’
“No sir, it isnt a Taser, but you are a Tosser”
oh bugger..that should have been
This is a ‘LMT-Defender Semi-automatic carbine’ sir, whereas you are a ‘XMP- Defenceless Floppy Haired Automongtory Carbuncle’
Right….run ya bastard…….
Right, I’ll just need to check your lights, tyres, safety helmet. Shouldn’t take more than 5 hours. In a hurry.. SIR?
“Go ahead, make my day”
“In all this commotion, I sorta forgot– is the safety on, or not? Are you feeling lucky, punk?”
My! I thought the wall was Double English Cross bond for a moment but on closer inspection it appears to be English Double Cross bond.
It’s actually a strange mixture but mainly just plain English Bond.
Yeah – Double English Cross Bond looks like this –
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Double_English_Cross_bond.png
which is clearly not the way that wall has been built.
@Bob and Wendy
OK. OK. I know that. I did study architecture at Cambridge you know.
This is a caption contest. The clue was in the words wit-fest.
Should have studied bricklaying. I think that the previous comments were in the spirit of post-ironic deconstructionism. I don’t know what the mortar is though. Anybody?
Does that cement the prize if i do?
@Tom – more of an ironic post about construction, but you were close.
Oh, and the mortar is NHL 3.5 lime and sand with a pinch of fly ash.
A wonderful exchange of opinions here!
So Bovis man…’fly ash’…I seem to recall that if i catch ‘em with my lighter they simply sizzle into a smelly mess…per chance is there an optimum temperature and how may flies constitute enough ash for the ash component of lime and sand for say 2 Accrington Bricks? I am bloody fascinated now..sod the competition (and its pointless prize!!). Cheers CL’As
“I have £25,000 of tuition fees because of you MOTHER FUCKER….
Remake of Dixon of Dock Green- Hell Bent copper and the Blue Lump
*sings* ‘Raindrops keep falling on my head…..’
“Can’t fool me Meester Meetchal I know you’re Brasilian”
Gotta be a candidate!
I still have got Dave on my side…….I hope
The strain begins to tell on Lance Armstrong
‘E.T. go home..’
I was told to ask for a Mr K-k-weir St-st-starmer.
Must hurry officer, I don’t want to be late for my cycling lesson with Lance Armstrong.
I must warn you, officer, that I have a friendship with David Cameron and I’m not afraid to use it.
Gum fight at the Downing Street corral.
PC Plod: “And what’s with that bicycle lock, sir? Are you implying that, although the whole street is swarming with heavily-armed police officers, that somehow we’d let your bike go missing? What do you take us for, anyway? Oh hold on, I think we already know the answer to that…”
Are those gates as cast-iron as a Dave promise?
No wrought ironast iron would probably break if rammed by a truck
What do you mean that I can’t use this on your grouse moor, sir?
If you let me through I’ve got some things I know your sort like in my basket.
Half a fresh baguette and two tickets to Gerry Cottels.
The only time you can wink and smile at a politician is when you take aim…
Would you like a last cigarette sir?
If the rumours are to be believed he was getting ready to shoot his load into a fucking pleb.
Officer ‘Stick your hands up ya bum’
Mitchell ‘Up my where ?’
Apologies to Sid Snott AKA K Everett ESQ.
Well, you say you didn’t cycle through that red light Sir, that you were just ‘wheeling it’. But I have 17 witnesses that say you did, and they are MPs, party colleagues of yours as well. So what do you think the Judge will do, take the word of a police officer, or the word of MPs?
Officer into his mouthpiece, “Have you noticed, that patricians seem to be getting older every day?”
I say Plod old chap would you mind awfully just keep an eye on my chariot for an hour or so while I pop up to Fortnums for some quince jelly and a bottle of Shampoo?
Police reveal their latest cardboard target practice cutout.
Police Officer: “Ok Sir, are you sure (cocks weapon) about not taking that job in Rwanda?”
No sir, I said you are a basket case, not put your case in the basket
Tha keeps tryin’ Moose
Old Bill ” Make sure you ain’t Chief Whip at the end of October 2012,Sir. I have a huge bet with the bookies that you’ll be gone.”
Carefully assessing the situation, Andy Mitchell quickly realised that, as between him and a copper armed to the teeth, it was clear who had the “Whip” hand…
“Have you got a licence for that?”
Unforgiven.
Shame.
The Good, the Bad and Yvette Cooper.
High Noon
Pale Rider
If Sir can find sixteen million for the president of Rwanda then surely Sir can spare a few quid for the police benevolent fund.
Andrew Mitchell: The First up against the wall when the revolution came.
Old man in blue tie gets ready to hurl a cycle of abusive
oops sorry should read “Old man in blue tie gets ready to hurl a cycle of abuse”
In the ‘frame’ for a prize there Bonnie Lad!!
Cop: I’m re-loading, sir.
Mitch: I’m freeloading, pleb.
Plebby !
Aim!
FIRED!
First funny response!
psssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
No sir it isn’t a “Uzi 9mm”, but I guess “You’ll be back” after the next reshuffle.
Cop: Now, Mr Mitchell, shall we just go over again exactly what you did say?
Copper: On your bike sonny.
Mitchell: I’ll be going soon.
No sir, I said you are a helmet, not, dont forget your headware
“What a coincidence Sir – my nickname is Masher.”
Let me bring you up to date sir: the meek have inherited the Earth.
do you know who I am officer ?
Sir we refer to you as the deceased
An old basket! Have you seen my wife?
No sir, I said have you forgotten you combination lock, not, just feck off conservative cock.
Much ado about nothing
I think you mean the Bard’s lesser-known Pericles, Prince of Tyre
MITCHELL
Oficer have you got a semi or are you just pleased to see me?
‘Now sir, about that scrumping apples incident of 1963′
I know. It’s impossible to make contemporaneous notes carrying this lot.
Cop: You’re the biggest disgrace to cyclists since Lance Armstrong
cock , cop and two smoking barells
I wasn’t even at Sheffield 23 years ago.
AM: “I’m telling you I’m the Chief Whip!!”
Cop: “Oh Sir, have they not told you..?”
Mitchell – I say my good fellow would you awfully mind opening the gate.
Fuzz – Sod off Hovis boy, use the delivery entrance.
Simply
Hovis? Back entrance.
” Andy Burman“one of the great injustices of the twenty-first century”, completely agree with you sir. “
You might be a Pleb, but I’m a Privileged Pleb
Copper: “Do you want a blindfold”
Mitchell: “No a Man faces his death, even if it takes f***in ages to come”
P.S. In the unlikely event that I win, give the tickets to someone else, I’ll be out of the country
When I see a high bird, pass me the gun, Smithers.
Assume the position ! ? *
Phil and Grants brother caught stealing a bike
“You’re on a double yellow you silver topped four-eyed fucker. Let go of the basket and lie face down. “
Mitchell ‘Thank gawd-on (sic) for that massive budget deficit, I know you do not possess any bullets young man’ The Cuts the Cuts saved by the cuts.
Ok foureyes, come from behind that car where I can see you, and raise your hands above your head, don’t try anything silly
“…and when you need a copper…”
PC PLEB: ” Just a random stop sir…if I could ask you to show me your ID ?”
AM: ” Look you(expletive deleted) this is the 6th time I’ve been asked to show my ID since I left No10..I’ve only walked 50 yds !!”
PC PLEB: ” Quite understand sir but apparently you asked one of my colleagues if he knew who you were and we’re just checking to make sure so thatwe don’t make the same mistake again !”
Does that gun fire blanks like me?
Jump to my man, and give me a hand getting my bike out of the bonnet of this car.
Jones, I can see some frightful little oik behind you. A shot over his head will you.
(Whispers) “They’ve tried to botox me, so I can’t talk.”
Mitchell, now a basket case
Sue calling me a tosser, I can take. But you calling me a pleb…?
Mitchell; ”You fucking pleb”
PC; ”Sorry Sir, incorrect password”
Sorry sir, heard you preferred to use the back entrance
The only thing in the basket is the Nobel Peace Prize, Officer. No, honestly, it’s been awarded to the EU for something about my predecessor Warsi.
David wants you to resign….or else.
Senior officer……… “Shoot the fucking tyres out! That’ll stop I’m”.
You appear to have sh*t yourself sir,
Good afternoon, sir. I’d like to show you the slot I’ve found to park your bike.
Cyclist scratches plain-clothes car; police accused of disproportionate response.
GoodGod – that man’s wearing suede shoes in Town.
Put the bike down, Sir and step away from the cabinet.
What an utterly deaf little epsilon you are, I said plod not pleb and I didn’t say oink I said oik. for god sake listen you chav.
I assure you officer…..this is not the bicycle that has been attributed to me.
“Plebstalvista posh boy”
“Anything you dont say will be mistaken down and used as evidence against you”
“If it weren’t for Police cut-backs I wouldn’t have this cheap Chinese copy of an MP5 which keeps jamming all the time and I’d be able to shoot the fucker!”
“NOW call me a pleb”
Spread the privilege or I spread the bullets.
You will go a long way in life pleb, having a torch on your gun in daylight?
Call me a pleb again, and I shoot my self in the foot.
Policeman…….. ‘We hate all Tories ’cause they made us do our job properly, so I’m going to say you called me a rude name, and my Union & the Labour Party will back me to the hilt’.
Do’nt forget the extras from the lady boy in the shadows !!!
I told Mr Cameron the words I used at the time and the Prime Minister believed me .
AM: “Oi Pleb, wheres the F**KING Gate”
Policeman: “Can you get off the pavement. We have told you before, you must use the main gate not the footpath”
Pleb ‘n basket case.
Oi you with the girls bike, are you queer!
No sir it’s camera you just look down the end and wait for the flash .
Kid, armed to teeth decides whether to take out lying politician.
Cop about to shoot OAP bicycle thief.
Step away from the bike or I’ll put one in your other foot … sir.
A good representation of Mitchell in action, minus his plummy Rugby voice:
Yeah thats right up against the wall with your effing girls bike
psssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
“Have you got a flat sir”
Do you know who I am? I guess you do by now. Well, do you know who my father is?
Old political has been spotted by old foe now delivering groceries for Harrods.
Don’t know who you are sir.
There is a resemblance to Jimmy Savile
Flash git meets muzzle flash.
Say you’re on you way to No.10. Then why the blue tie?
!0, I said, 10 seconds start!
“So let me get this straight…some pleb has put superglue on your handlebar…”
My Sarge says its open season on grouse!
I’m going to shoot you in the foot, or, noblesse oblige, would Sir like to do it himself?
“Would you prefer with or without the blindfold, Sir”
Mitch: Sit in the basket, Officer, and I’ll do an E T. We’ll show ‘em that pigs can fly.
To misquote Socrates, Mr Mitchell, “The hour of departure has arrived and we go our ways; you to die, and this pleb to live.” Now stand still, Sir, and i’ll make it quick.
Hunfortunately hi am not hauthorised to shoot to kill, Sir, but honly to shoot to disable. However hif you persist hin using hhhoffensive language, you may need consider a model without a crossbar. Sir!
This fires dum dum rounds…should suit you nicely, sir!
I’ve done with verballing you Mr Mitchell.
Now Kratos rules apply.
We”ll teach you who runs this country.
These things have a nasty reputation for going off accidentally Mr Mitchell. Especially when operated by plebs…
>30 W I N N E R – by a mile
No officer, I wasn’t saying anything against ordinary people, ALL the LibLabCon are against a plebiscite.
“Grocery deliverers have to use the rear gate, sir”
If you say no-one will believe the Police version of events and mention Hillsborough once more you’ll regret it … sir.
The game’s up Mr Mitchell. Another step and I’m putting you on the Nobel 2013 short list.
It was an odd comment for a mere policeman to make, and so Mitchell had unwisely challenged him to prove how a few red dots on his tie would make him more acceptable to the public.
This appears to be a basket case.
And what is your final word on any matter…… Sir?
“Fcuk off you effing pl*eb I’m more effing important & effing superior”
Up against the wall, motherfucker
‘Uzi?’ (armed policeman fails to recognise Chief Whip) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Uzi_1.jpg
New Police security measures around Downing Street have unexpected effect on cyclists trying to enter through gates.
Golly gosh, the badgers are fighting back
He’ll never shoot me while I’m having a shit
‘Ere sarge, this geezer’s looking well Brazillian and wearing an unseasonably warm tie, shall I lose a few rounds in his belly?
Sarge to mong:
Lots of shouting (and what sounded like a bit of a singsong) from Threats, Weapons, Anti-Terrorism Control, but the woman in charge decided to put it to a vote so she wouldn’t be in the wrong and the
decisionoutcome is to proceed with proven best practice:- we don’t know if this is the right target (haven’t really practiced this)
- we do know how to shoot (practiced with lots of bullets)
so play to our strengths and go for the headshots.
Policeman to ChiefWhip
“You are fucking lucky that there is a camera here or I’d stick this up your arse”
Good morning Ms. Eagle
That Bicycle Lock looks like an offensive weapon to me sir.
But the bike against the wall slowly and step away from it we eo not want to chip the paintwork do we.
“It’s OK, I’m sure I can Raleigh some support.”
Number 30 to win though pls, just about died laughing at that.
Good morning Sir. I believe you are about to get punctured.
Ding Ding
Dead man walking
Ex Chief Whip follows Tebbit Advice
Psssst..what’s a pleb
I’m afraid I can’t let you through until I’ve seen your Cycling Proficiency Test certificate Sir
Mitchell: “Officer – in all matters I refer you to your colleagues’ conduct at altering their statements and the truth Re: Hillsborough. In other words officer – who opened the gate?”. “Now kindly do one”.
“It is times like this I wish I was related to the Mitchell Brothers!”
Reblogged this on World4Justice : NOW! Lobby Forum..
PULL!
I warn you now Lord Pottymouth, I’m not in the mood today. If you want to argue the toss have a word with my mate Mr Heckler and Koch
Call me a pleb now you bastard!
Say ‘pleb’ again. Say ‘pleb’ again, I dare you, I double dare you motherfucker, say ‘pleb’one more Goddamn time!
Mitchell: ” Come and get me coppers! Look Ma, i’m on top of the world”