August 16th, 2012

Guidogram Going Out Shortly

The Guidogram round-up of the week is going out shortly.

Thousands of Westminster insiders read the Guidogram, everyone from Downing Street insiders to Fleet Street never miss it. The Olympics might be over but there has been plenty going on in both Westminster and media land this week. Don’t miss out on a few silly season gems as well…

Join the conspiracy and become a subscriber to the Guidogram, free, to keep in the loop. You’re either in front of Guido, or behind…


  1. 1
    Reader says:


  2. 2
    Moussa Koussa says:

    I see the Cabinet office mandarins ( are there any left ) seem to have been to the same school at Zero Gidders.

    ***Online petition figures released***

    Total number of petitions submitted: 36,000 — Source: Cabinet Office

    Go to petition website itself , reports

    Open = 10000
    Closed = 5500
    Rejected = 13800

    Total = 293000

    Cabinet Office figure out by close to 20%. No change there then.

  3. 3
    smoggie says:

    I’ll read it in the dentist’s waiting room.

  4. 4
    Moussa Koussa says:

    Guido. We all know deep down that you are a Dave apologist.

    While your secret love is away, any chance of telling us who is actually running the country….we all need a good laugh.

  5. 5
    smoggie says:


  6. 6
    sooty says:

    What we’d like to know is who’s got their hand up your backside?

  7. 7
    Tristram Smallbore-ffipps says:

    You missed the 4th category – “used as toilet paper”.

  8. 8
    Index Finger says:

    Good point.

  9. 9
    Moussa Koussa says:

    I know you dont want to here this…but the Man ( ???? ) in charge is none other than Bill*y Boy V*ague… Discuss.

  10. 10
    SP4BS says:

    Oh right.

    Do you think he’s dishy?

  11. 11
  12. 12
    ACDC says:


  13. 13
    Duty Pedant for Dummies says:


  14. 14
    ßilly Botties Low Hanging Kebab Meat says:

    Methinks he do protest too much.

  15. 15
    Moussa Koussa says:

    The Guidogram… will it include the news that the cockalition have closed another Four Remploy factories today.

    You must all be so proud.

  16. 16
    the savant says:

    gawd is i.t that time of the week already ??

    must remember to brush my teeth

    no sod it

    i brushed them last year and see no need to repeat the process yet

  17. 17
    Handycock Immigrant Trafficker says:

    There is nothing wrong with the European Union, nor it’s immigration policies. It is Liberal Democrat policy to have unrestricted immigration and I have successfully implemented this policy in Portsmouth over the last ten years where the population statistically has increased by more than any other town or city in the UK – 8.6%. This increase is entirely down to immigration, and us accepting more asylum seekers than any other city in the south of England – 26.1%. All done since the Libdems have been in power. My boys are extremely happy housing them and have become extremely rich as well. Boaz.

  18. 18
    annette curton says:

    That’s an easy one to answer, who is running the country? (and not only ours into the ground), Mr Rumpey and Co.

  19. 19
    Jimmy says:

    “Thousands of Westminster insiders read the Guidogram, everyone from Downing Street insiders to Fleet Street never miss it.”

    I know I never have.

  20. 20
    jgm2 says:

    Total = 293000

    Cabinet Office figure out by close to 20%.

    Tee hee.

    Moussa Koussa, Labour apologist and bedwetter-in-residence out by 900%.

    No change there then.

  21. 21
    jgm2 says:

    They’re all off to the Paralympics.

  22. 22
    annette curton says:

    Got to admire the energy.

  23. 23
    Joe says:

    Tax payer funded of course ;)

  24. 24
    Joe says:

    But your a piss socked tramp living out of a cardboard box off the old Kent road.

  25. 25
    Batley batty-boy says:

    Every Prime Minister needs a Willie.

  26. 26
    Gordon Brown says:

    Very well done Handy. I would certainly have sorted immigration out if I had been returned as prime Minister at the last election.

  27. 27
    SP4BS says:

    you know, I thought I saw an extra zero somewhere up there, but really couldnt be bothered checking.

  28. 28
    Polly Toynbee says:

    I raise my bottle to the dead tree press,thank you.

  29. 29
    fang farrier says:

    You’ll have to wait at least 2 years then

  30. 30
    The Paragnostic says:

    In Moussa’s case, that’s a whole order of mongitude!

  31. 31
    Gordon Brown says:

    I would like to add to demonstrate my sincerity.

  32. 32
    Moussa Koussa's lovechild says:

    Moussa you won’t win that argument on here. Most on here have less heart than the Tin Man.
    This government would make Thatcher blush on some of the things they’re doing.

    If I won (silly) lottery money the first thing I’d do would be to re-open the Remploy centres.

  33. 33
    Moussa Koussa's lovechild says:

    In fact Smith and Grayling would have Stephen Hawking stacking shelves for their supermarket buddies if they could.

  34. 34
    George Walker Bush says:

    Let’s bomb Equadoristan.

  35. 35
    National Socialist says:

    Yes they’re so fit they fucking walk there…

  36. 36
    National Socialist says:

    You all miss an important point. How many petitions were actually debated?
    Did you get your EU In/Out referendum as a result of the petition?
    Democracy isn’t working and politicians are pissing in our faces

  37. 37
    SP4BS says:

    he’s wearing piss socks?

  38. 38
    Моряк Стейнс says:

    You overestimate this blog’s importance.

    I believe well-known comedians trawl it for material though.

  39. 39
    annette curton says:

    What not to say to the Speaker: “going out shortly?”.

  40. 40
    Yvonne from The Colliers Arms Clydach says:

    If you are going to pick a fight:

    1. Know in advance you are going to win it.

    2. Know what you stand to gain when you win

    I learnt these simple rules through my comprehensive education in Wales.

    I did not have the benefit of an Eton or Oxbridge education.

  41. 41
    Jimmy says:

    More dredging than trawling really.

  42. 42
    Hannibal from Carthage says:

    At least seven striking miners shot dead by Police for striking in South Africa.

    Lonmin PLC in the forefront. Still allowed to trade today in London just like good old Standard Chartered.

  43. 43 says:

    No the first thing you would do would be to look for the magical money tree.

  44. 44 says:

    Still playing cricket against the South African state as well.

  45. 45
    A retired shop steward says:

    I do not think any job is worth losing your life for.

  46. 46
    jgm2 says:

    The first thing I’d do is pledge another couple of million quid to the S&P independence election.

  47. 47
    Tristram Smallbore-ffipps says:

    Well what do you expect. The latter is Hague’s favourite activity on a Friday night at the Westminster S&M Club.

  48. 48
    Immigrants on Immigrants says:

  49. 49
    Forkbender says:

    Oi leave our Little Willy alone, he is trying his best.
    Today i came across this in a novel I was reading, I wonder if this rings a few bells with you laddies. This novel was actually first printed in 1936 in a french novel by Gabriel Chevallier, “Fortuntely, the attitude of her son in law, Oscar de Saint-Choul, to extentatoned for it. Having no prpfessionor capacity for active work, this young nobleman was aimingat a political candidature of a complexion as yet as yet to be determined, for prudence suggested that itwould be well to refrain from giving offense to any party until his convictions were definitely proclaimed; and this he wouldpostpone until the lastpossible moment, in order to avoid all risk of making a mistake andof being unduly hasty in his professionof faith.” This novel was about the antics of small French town big wigs, nowt really changes does it?

  50. 50
    jgm2 says:

    New mattress for Koussa, his old one is dripping like a sponge.

  51. 51
    jgm2 says:

    But is it worth killing a taxi dr*iv*er for?

  52. 52
    Bluebottle says:

    And how many of the registered disabled has Chris Grayling helped off benefits and into full time real jobs this week?

  53. 53
    Anonymous says:

    Platinum prices about to rocket.

  54. 54
    ⛵⛵⛵⛵ says:

    in a news update:
    vaguehague is running the country as the PM does a chillax.
    BigHitterHague causes a diplomatic storm….and sabotages his bid for the leadership of the Tory party.
    Michael Gove, son of knife carrying Heseltine and Portillo licks his lips…while BlondBombshellBoris has a hoot.

  55. 55
    ⛵⛵⛵⛵ says:

    Thatcher blushes as there are more people employed now as national productivity falls.

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“Adjustments” Not Cuts | Gary Gibbon
The New Puritans | Alex Wickham
British Minister in Watch Gaffe | Straits Times

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