July 19th, 2012

Cameron Coastguard Gaffe Gives No10 Sinking Feeling

Dave is under fire from yet another source this morning after an embarrassing gaffe gave false hope to Scottish coastguards facing the chop. Responding to a constituent concerned about the closure of coastguard stations north of the border, Cameron pledged that they would remain open until 2015 in order to ease the transition process:

Delighted campaigners had to pop the corks back in their champagne bottles however, as Dave’s office quickly issued a clarification saying that they would in fact be shut down immediately. Oops.

The whole mess has caused severe ructions in the Parliamentary Resources Unit, the Tories’ taxpayer-funded research facility. Guido hears that the offending letter was actually penned on Cameron’s behalf by the PRU’s deputy director Mark Wilkins. Amusingly Wilkins was in the running for Parliamentary Researcher of the Year 2012, apparently: “For his briefings and draft letters, Mark has made the extra effort to source the best evidence and opinions from experts to garner the official view“. Given that Number 10 are furious he can probably kiss that award goodbye…


  1. 1
    fact says:

    we was told DC was all spin and that, but they cant even get the spin bollocks right.

    Hang em


    • 14
      misterned says:

      Right hand, meet left hand and tell it what you are doing, Right hand: “fuck off”


      • 39
        Dave says:

        Britain is a democracy, run for and by its indigenous people.

        Oops! I meant Britain is a totalitarain shihole, run for and by ‘international’ bankers, and its indigenous people are only to provide fodder for fighting and dying in foreign wars for Izzie.


      • 44
        Liarpoliticians says:

        David Cameron only masturbates with his left had, he does not like anything to do with the right.


        • 45
          Stick 'em up says:

          Who’s that Dylon bloke who signed that letter? Is he the one off Magic Roundabout?


  2. 2
    Call me Dave says:

    What I meant to say was we would like the Scottish coastguards to immediately sail south and up the Thames, and to help to secure the Olympics.

    Then they can fuck off


    • 16
      Dave from Witney says:

      They’re already doing that in Weymouth..along with a few of my old school chums from Henley Regatta……at the moment I’m in negotiations with Witney First Cub Scout Troop to step in at Heathrow to man the immigration desks..negotiations with Akela have hit a bit of a tricky situation at present as she is insisting that we supply tents and a camp fire for them to sing around…..but if I can just say that Ithink these Games woill some of the most memorable the World has ever seen and will be long remembered by those attending (assuming they can actually get into the country in time of course)


  3. 3
    Loungelizard says:

    And not only the award…


  4. 4
    Loony left watch says:


  5. 5
    Tony Bliar resplendant in his white robes says:

    Hi hosts *smiles*. There seems to be *pause* seems to be rather a lot of spin these days, and I say to you *pause* I say to you *waves hands* that after my uberlord conspiracy *smiles sweetly* for Europe is accomplished *smiles again* there will be no spin. My ministry of information will see to that *waves hands* *stares directly to camera*


    • 28
      Joseph Goebels says:

      Thank you dear Tony for getting me the post. I pledge my life to your cause and will at all times support you mein neuen fuhrer (oops I mean’t President of Europe). As you know I have only ever spoken plain facts and the whole truth just like you dear Tony. Together we will conquer (oops I meant get elected to rule) Europe and the Fourth Reich will rise again with the help of Angela Meerkat.


  6. 6
    AC1 says:

    The conservative had better ScHIFFt Cameron or Libor partry get back in.


  7. 7
    Blackbeard says:

    unless it has escaped anybody’s attention we are an island which means we are surrounded by fucking water.


  8. 9
    annette curton says:

    Anybody noticed the raft (in joke) of proposal’s that might or might not come into force in 2015, why is 2015 the magic number?…scratches head in bewilderment.


  9. 10
    Nullbymouth says:

    2015, Now where have I heard that number before?


  10. 11
    Entrepreneur says:

    I’ve had this idea for a waxed cardboard coffin.


    • 25
      I like that idea! says:

      Coated in paraffin wax – or lard – so it burns well?

      I think I could put a nice little list together for occupants – no need to wait ’til they are … no more … deceased … gone to their maker … etc


  11. 13
    Andrew Efiong says:

    No fancy letters needed, Cameron should just say we’re closing down these jock spongers because Brown sunk the economy.


    • 18
      BarnetFormula says:

      Hang on, surely SalmondPaste will be wanting to using (unfair overlygenerous) Scottish money to keep it open. If they were independent, that’s what he would have to do isn’t it?


  12. 17
    EdMiliband says:

    Ith thith a bandwagon? I am not a thtrong thwimmer tho not thure I want to jump on thith one.


  13. 22
    English Liberation Front says:

    Given the increasing International Aid budget perhaps that smug little creep Mitchell can persuade a few boatloads of Somali pirates to come over and fill in for the coastguard? After all for this band of “Conservatives” in government it seems more important to increase foreign aid by 40% in real terms and route funds to “friendly” countries like Argentina than to protect our own coastline.


  14. 23
    The Traitorous Twat in No 10 says:

    I simply LOVE the €USSR! and who needs Coastguards in Sotland? – I never go there!


    • 26
      Herman Achille Van Rompuy says:


      Go get your shinebox


      • 32
        An Aide saying as aside to Herr Rumpy von Pumpy says:

        I think Sir, you mean to say I’ll fuckin kill you, get the money, you fuckin’ cocksucker, you hear me?


  15. 27
    David Brede says:

    Perhaps the cunning plan is to make so many gaffes that they become normal and no one takes any notice!


    • 33
      Call me Dave says:

      You see through my ploy of getting Mr Bean to replace me when I am installed in the Brussels troughing human centipede


      • 37
        Angela says:

        Be a goot boy unt you vill join me at the High Table in Berlin! – the Real Seat of Power – or as we say – Welthauptstadt Germania – for zer Triumphal Parades!


  16. 31
    The Tory Party says:

    “Man the Lifeboats”!!


  17. 36
    MajorFrustration says:

    Just pen a reply along lines – ” I was under the impression that following Scottish independence that these facilities would be continued under the new Government” sorted.


  18. 42
    Nullbymouth says:

    David Brent for PM.


  19. 43

    First they scrapped fishery protection. Then they scrapped the customs officers. Then they scrapped the Royal Navy (apart from Nuclear submarines to preserve jobs in Rosyth and barrwo). Now they are scrapping the coastguards.

    P.S. What was it the coastguards did – apart from tell the Boarders Agency about boatloads of immigrants coming in so that they could ignore the warnings …

    What about replacing the Coastguards by a grant in aid to the Lifeboat Association?


    • 49
      Arryat Arness says:

      What about replacing these traitorous brain dead parliamentarians with a tub of chocicecream?


  20. 50
    Peter Thomas says:

    Hardly surprising. Cameron has only just noticed there’s a civil war in Syria. Twonk.


  21. 51

    Spot on.
    Yes we spent an enormous amount of effort researching the 10 Concerns document to which the gaffed reply was intended to answer… most of our data comes from the Maritime & Coastguard Agency website as their own facts point towards fatal flaws in the new untried theoretical system.
    It is a pity that whoever dreamed up the plan to close vital Coastguard stations did not look at MCA’s own data.
    We are still waiting for a formal response to our 10 Concerns.


  22. 52
    Anonymous says:

    Perhaps by 2015 Slippery Dave meant a quarter past eight in the evening because he’s just been to see “Our Brave Lads” out in Afghanistan where they use the hundred hour system to tell the time, ie hundred hour working weeks, come home after six months and check that people don’t sneak Walkers crisps and Pepsis into the olimpathon.


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