July 13th, 2012

Friday Caption Contest (Egg and Soldiers Edition)


  1. 1
    Nullbymouth says:

    Mon Dieu!

    Your hair it is like my mistresses armpits

    • 45
      erm... says:

      no need for head and shoulders…..one is bald and the rest are not bald enough.

    • 50
      Maggies Pearl Necklace says:


      • 82
        President Hollandaise says:

        Zut Alor, c’est moi – ze saucy lettle boy from la belle France – President Hollandaise of ze Republique!

        Like Sarko, Robespierre and ze Emperor Napoleon imselfz, I am a lettle short in the departements!

        Voila! sacre bleu etc etc

        Zo, Monsieur le David Macaroon, ze Minister of Prime has asked zeese chocolat soldiers to protect ze perfidious Brits during ze Olympics.

        Pah! Wiz ze types you ave handling ze security it’s more like your own Foreign Legion!!

        Au revoir, suckers!

  2. 2
    Reader says:

    “Short it out”

  3. 3
    Sniper says:

    Gunner “Lofty” Sugden in demob suit leaves barracks.

  4. 4
    Reader says:

    “What Neo-Guido would look like if he brushed his hair”

    Sorry Neo :)

  5. 5
    A Guardsman says:

    !! FIRE!!!

  6. 6
    Dave Bruce says:

    Shut it shorty

  7. 7
    Steve Miliband says:

    Napolean Complex!

  8. 8
    Nullbymouth says:

    I still want more proof

  9. 9
    Merde says:

    Guardsman disciplined for having an offensive person on his weapon!

  10. 10
    Anonymous says:

    I cant believe he has 2 women fighting over him !

  11. 11
    Steve Miliband says:

    Do Bears shit in their hats?

  12. 12
    Reader says:

    “New clone model selected so that troops conform to the new French equality bill”

  13. 13
    Nullbymouth says:

    Looks like an early 10 bottle lunch !!!!!


  14. 14
    SouthEastVoter says:

    is that napoleon?

  15. 15
    Reader says:

    “Latest victim of French eugenics policy identified”

  16. 16
    Sizzla says:

    Un petit peu

  17. 17

    Theresa May has solved the problem with deportation of foreign criminals.

  18. 18
    Pundit Too says:

    French pocket sized Socialist President Hollande lost his way in trying to visit the queen and is escorted out.

  19. 19
    Steve Miliband says:

    G4S try out new recruits for VIP (and President Hollande)

  20. 20
    200 Dead Syrians says:

    BBC reports that we are allegedly dead.

  21. 21
    Selohesra says:

    All the soldiers ” Waterloo, waterloo da-di-di dee di-dee-da-de-da etc”

  22. 22
    Legal Crook says:

    Spitting image puppets get very life like.

  23. 23
    Anonymous says:

    Has he any idea that the headwear is ex Frech Imperial Guard kit – won by the English from the French, during one of our many inter country scraps?

    • 43

      Awarded to the Guards Division for services rendered during the Battle of Waterloo

      • 69
        Captain Rees Howell Gronow, Foot Guards says:

        And quite right too the British Infantry Square saw off the garlic licking French Cavalry. If only it was as possible to get rid of them now

  24. 24
    annette cosy says:

    French General tries to compete with a white knitted tea-cosy tipped at a jaunty angle.

  25. 25
    Reader says:

    “After offending Kate Middleton, The French President is sent to the Tower!”

  26. 26
    Ah! Monika says:

    “Union Flag in Whitehall Scandal”

  27. 27
    Mike says:

    So this is how Sarkozy feels everyday!

  28. 28
    mar45 says:

    The long & short of it is – Britain beats Hollande by a head (and shoulders)

  29. 29
    TC says:

    So what if we eat horses? You put bears on your head.

  30. 30
    Reader says:

    Hollende “Can you lend me a tenner, i am a bit short this week?”

    • 192
      president of iran mahmoud ahmadinejad says:

      How come the French manage to find such tall leaders-first the human beanpole Sarko and now the positively Robert Wadlow-esque Monsieur Hollande.

      I’m 5’2″

      • 193
        Dr S. Freud says:


        Trying to overcompensate with all of those big, tall missiles.

  31. 31
    Sargent Major says:


  32. 31
    Steve Miliband says:

    Does my Burm look big in this?

  33. 33
    Janan Ganesh Superstar says:

    Left, right, left, right

  34. 34
    Sponge says:

    Would you like a box, Sir?

  35. 35
    Son of Rupert says:

    A woman is walking down the street and see’s a sign in the pet shop window reading, “FANNY LICKING FROG £25″ curious the woman proceeds inside and says to the shop keeper, “I’d like to see the fanny licking frog please.” To which the shop keeper replies, “Bonjour!”

  36. 36

    sacre bleu! i’ve been seen off in the same old way.

  37. 37
    Bob says:

    Olympic bag-search team accompanies skint foreigner off the premises

  38. 38
    Regimental Sergeant Major Kunt says:

    Where the fuck do you think you’re goin’ you ‘orrible little French President you.

  39. 40
    Ah! Monika says:

    No Medals?

    Well have you got any French Letters after your name?

    • 159
      Boney Part says:

      French medals are worn on the back because they are awarded for particularly rapid retreats.

  40. 41
    Nullbymouth says:

    On the set of the new Austin Powers movie everyone searches for the real Dr Evil

  41. 42
    Merde says:

    BREAKING NEWS: exclusive images of the Coldstream guards “Frog marching!”

  42. 44
    Nullbymouth says:

    First person to be caught eating non endorsed French fries at the Olympics

  43. 46
    Stepney says:

    “And finally, Sergeant Chivers, he IS the First Battalion Royal Fusilier. We dropped the s, there didn’t seem to be any point”.

  44. 47
    Reader says:

    “Latest French surrender caught on camera”

  45. 49
    David says:

    The Prime Minister asked for me personally sir.

  46. 51
    k says:

    See Msr President De La Republique , this is what soldiers look like from the front

  47. 54
    Blowing Whistles says:

    Humpty Dumpty has been put back together again.

  48. 55
    Ah! Monika says:

    Pssst. You don’t have to ‘slow-march’

  49. 56
    DR says:

    These cobbles remind you of the Place de La Concorde, sir? Will you be re-introducing the guillotine?

  50. 57
    Realist says:

    “Now I know how Sarkozy felt walking next to Carla”

  51. 58
    Ah! Monika says:

    “You’re going to have to left turn, but that shouldn’t be a problem.”

  52. 59
    I Squiggle says:

    I’m walking backwards for Chreeesstmaaasss…

  53. 60
    Geoffrey Brooking says:

    How to win over the middle ground – french style :-)

  54. 61
    P45 says:

    These G4S security guards look very smart.

  55. 62
    Ah! Monika says:

    Frogs’ legs are getting shorter.

  56. 63
    cynic says:

    “left turn? You ‘orrible little man”

  57. 64
    cynic says:

    Care in the Community EU Edition

  58. 65
    doolally Delaney says:

    A Coldstream is the natural habitat of the frog.

  59. 66
    Ah! Monika says:

    “All this effort and no prize. What am I doing here? “

  60. 67
    cynic says:

    “Zo, can you promise that you can stop my Ex Mistress getting to me while I am ‘ere”

  61. 68
    Frank's son says:

    oh la la I feel like an extra in the land of the giants..

  62. 70
    annette curton says:

    Ha, they think I am impressed but the rosbifs no nothing about cheese making.

  63. 71
    cynic says:

    “I fart in your general direction”

  64. 72
    Mike says:

    “so this is what Monsieur Cameron mean’t by the big society”

  65. 74
    cynic says:

    Odd Numbers ………. P45s at the ready ……….wait for it ……….. fired.

  66. 75
    cynic says:

    How can anyone respect a foreign leader named after a Camembert?

  67. 76
    Keith Dovkunts says:

    Highly decorated Guards officer: “Our tunics are red sir, to hide the blood.”

    François Hollande: “Mmmm, so why is our French uniform brown?”

  68. 77
    Timmy Tour says:

    Introducing Mr L’Apres Midi

    The French PM

  69. 78

    Now we know why Hollande is also known as the low c*ntries.

  70. 78
    Ah! Monika says:

    “Didn’t you used to be six-foot five and have a big nose?”

  71. 80
    Gonk says:

    “That’s the army done sir, now if you follow me to the Serpentine we can do the navy before lunch.”

    • 160
      Hard Trench says:

      + 1

      And we’ll take some stale bread along to feed the air fore while we’re there.

  72. 81
    Merde says:

    Stinking, slimy frog removed from London fountain!

  73. 83
    Q says:

    The latest intake of G4S interns, escorts man from stadium for eating French fries

  74. 84
    Keith Dovkunts says:

    François Hollande: “Have you seen our French Army knives? No scissors or tweezers, just six corkscrews and a white flag.”

  75. 85
    Mike says:

    ‘you can keep your bearskins… we french prefer our heads to look like foreskins!’

  76. 87
    Owain Glyndwr says:

    The Dutch are now the world’s tallest, as hollandais proudly strides through the midget guardsman

  77. 88
    Coldstream Guardsman. says:

    And now we will escort you to Waterloo station monsieur President.

    • 108
      annette curton says:

      But time for a swift one in the Lord Nelson now that you’ve seen Trafalgar House.

  78. 89

    Not an entry but have you noticed that second guard from the camera on the right? If that is not taking the piss out of Le Président, I don’t know what is.

    In fact, he could piss on Le Président’s head without pointing upwards.

  79. 90
    Tay King-dePisse says:

    “We CAN provide you a blindfold and cigarette– that’s not just in films, you know…”

  80. 91
    a non says:

    Not now Nato.

  81. 92
    Jimmy says:

    Thanks to the goverment’s exciting new austerity programme it is now possible for visiting heads of state to review the entire army.

  82. 93
    a non says:

    Bearskins and minkey nuts.

  83. 94
    Moley says:

    Sarkozy’s plan to reduce the size of the French State succeeds beyond all expectations.

  84. 96

    And now, a taller president inspects the guards.

  85. 98
    annette curton says:

    ***Breaking News***
    Shrinking Euro, its official!.

  86. 99
    Eddie says:

    Stand up man!

  87. 100
    Baron Hogwash says:

    The president goes from strength to strength.

  88. 101

    N’avez-vous jamais ce sentiment diminue Monsieur le Président? (Do you ever get that shrinking feeling Mr President?)

  89. 102
    dickiebo says:

    Thees is just a warnin’!

  90. 103
    Mike says:

    ‘I am not intimidated at all… it’s not the size of the troops that count- it’s how many you’ve got’

  91. 105
    Steve Miliband says:

    Britain welcomes first French Tax exile

  92. 106
    wankre says:

    I know it looks nice out today Sergeant, but do you have to keep it out.

  93. 109
    Arthur Hyanes (Comedian) says:

    It turns out they are feeding the brave British Forces men and women from the contractor burger vans when on duty on the Olympic Park after the G4S fiasco. Kick some arse for them Mr Fawkes.

    AH (C)

  94. 111

    Monsieur Le Présirunt.

  95. 112
    obangobang says:

    Soldiers play with toy president

  96. 113

    What is he holding in his right hand?

  97. 116
    Owain Glyndwr says:

    somebody might have mentioned its friday the bloody 13th, under the duvet and mutter thanks to Gwyn ap Nudd and burn sacred herbs

  98. 117
    Hugh Hendry says:

    So this why the French want to ban Short selling.

  99. 118
    Reader says:

    “Latest rejected intern is ushered out of the Guy News Room”

  100. 119
    Gelert says:

    Coldsteam Geauds Officer: “One of our prized possessions is a French battle flag”

    M President: “What’s that?”

    Officer: “A white cross on a white background”

  101. 120
    Gelert says:

    Coldsteam Guards Officer: “One of our prized possessions is a French battle flag”

    M President: “What’s that?”

    Officer: “A white cross on a white background”

  102. 122
    Frankie Hollande says:

    Both Sarkozy and myself were shortlisted.

  103. 126
    daveyone1 says:

    Sorry Sir. we will have to ask you to leave, the Beech Vollyball is not here for a couple of weeks!

  104. 127

    The English Channel is a mere ditch.

  105. 128
    Owain Glyndwr says:

    Hollandaise out shopping for the new EU army, dave promised a two for one

  106. 129
    illogical says:

    Toad in the whole.

  107. 130
    What a Plonker. says:

    Lets play toy presidents.

  108. 131
    Jean-Pierre says:

  109. 132
    a non says:

    Today’s Grimm photo caption- The frog prints

  110. 133
    Widescreen2010 says:

    ‘How many troops are required to defend Paris?’
    ‘I don’t know: it ‘as never been tried.’

  111. 134
    Gordon Brown says:

    I am going metric

  112. 135
    Cato Street Conspirator says:

    ‘We had that Mrs Sarkozy here last year. In fact we all had her.’

  113. 136
    Legal Crook says:

    Terry innocent: CPS should be sacked!!

  114. 137
    Ebay says:

    For sale French army rifle.

    VGC only been dropped once

  115. 138
    The Catering Corps says:

    As well as being one of the main components of Eggs Benedict, Hollandaise sauce, is also typically served with steamed asparagus or other vegetables and steamed or grilled fish.

    The sauce is a warm and rich yellow in colour and boasts a thick and smooth texture. The end result should be a delicious combination of butter and egg yolks with a tangy twist of lemon and a touch of spice.

    Although the sauce has few ingredients, it does have a reputation of being very difficult to make. We generally prefer ketchup.

    • 148
      No names no pack drill says:

      I once had lunch with the Head of the Catering Corps.

      We had asparagus and melted butter,. ( fish knife to slant the plate )

      At the end of the performance he looked at our plates and then his.

      We had the woody stems circling our plates, he had neatly arranged his tips likewise.

      I’m sure I was the more embarrassed.

    • 149
      No names no pack drill says:

      NB….. not spice, reduced vinegar and peppercorns

  116. 140
    keredybretsa says:

    ‘I am a leettel Bullsheeter myself, but, I do like to ‘ear a giant professional at it. So please carry on Sergeant Major!!’

  117. 144
    Anonymous says:

    Get Shortie

  118. 145
    anonnymouse says:

    and, of course, he looks up to Her Majesty

  119. 147
    Culmination Of undreds of Years of Antipathy says:

    French President working through a little plan in his mind, as he reviews the entire British Army in under 4 minutes.

  120. 150
    Ian E says:

    Ah, so that is what a frog-march looks like.

  121. 151
    Monsieur le Président says:

    Mon Dieu Sarge, your stripes are bigger than my entire head!

  122. 152
    Harry Krishna says:

    He was sorry he was late, he was cleaning the budgie cage out and someone closed the cage door

  123. 153
    Pox News 24/7 says:

    Prince Phillip in one of his multi choice multi medal regimental uniforms escorts a frog orf his land.

  124. 155
    SaltPetre says:

    Non! I am not Napoleon Bone-a-tart ! You are confusing me with the Italian.

  125. 157
    Anonymous says:

    Short Euro/Long Sterling

  126. 158
    Keith Dovkunts says:

    Highly decorated Guards officer: “No sir, there are no trees. Had the Germans invaded, we didn’t see the need to keep the sun off the enemy.”

  127. 161
    French Frank says:

    We French love the bare skins – do you want to see my pictures of Segolene?

  128. 162
    GeeForEss says:

    Hand Hafter You Ave Taken A Good Look Hat The Civvy, You Hask Im Po-light-lee To Hopen Is Bag Hand You Ave Hay Good Look In It For Hanything Dangerous …. Wait For It, You Airy Little Specimen Hat The Right Hend Hov The Second Rank …. Haaaaaaask!

  129. 163
    Col Nut says:

    “Was this the one who nicked your watch sir, M. Flanby?”

  130. 164
    M says:

    No , these 2 lines are all our full timers

  131. 165
    Perry says:

    Should have eaten my porridge

  132. 166
    Sylvio says:

    M Hollande:

    Evair zince zee victoire gloriouse for French armes at Vaterloo I ‘ave always ‘ed a spot of softness for your Guards

  133. 167

    Why has the first soldier on the left got odd sized feet ?

  134. 168
    MAD FRANKIE HADDOCK son of COD says:

    Bonjour ! Ici , C’est votre P quarante cinq
    Bonjour ! Ici , C’est votre P quarante cinq
    Bonjour ! Ici , C’est votre P quarante cinq
    Bonjour ! Ici , Ce……………………………………………………..

  135. 169
    Francois Nutterand says:

    A slight misunderstanding over the translation of ‘bearskin on the head’.

  136. 170
    Anonymous says:

    “you can have these if you let us use the aircraft carrier on Wednesday”

  137. 171
    MAD FRANKIE HADDOCK son of COD says:

    The Full British military turn out to welcome Hollande

  138. 172
    The Anglo Saxon says:

    Foreskin V Bearskin

  139. 173
    Cressida's Dick says:

    ‘ No sir, the only German who ever invaded our country lives in the big house behind us ‘.

  140. 174
    Pentangelis says:

    This frog is a bit short on legs!

  141. 176
    robbie says:

    Are you sure these are all the troops you need before you meet Frau Merkel again?

  142. 177
    Laughing Out Loud says:

    Living proof of the diminished international stature of the French.

    No, two Gallic dwarfs in succession do not add up to De Gaulle.

  143. 178
    evad666 says:

    Sir, These are the lads who will be guarding Mcdonalds in the Olympic Village.

  144. 181
    verticalwater says:

    The president’s attempt to use shaving cream to make him look taller, has failed.

  145. 182
    BarryW says:

    Tale of two heads,
    Bear skin meets Bare skin

  146. 183
    Bondini says:

    “Merde! Mon PR department est friggin’ histoire, come Lundi”

  147. 184
    Anonymous says:

    Here we go again. Caption contest appears Friday. Never heard of again. (Unless the winners are announced in a secret thread I don’t know about). Piss poor.

  148. 185
    Hislop fan says:

    Does Guido read the Private Eye?

  149. 186
    GlobalGaz says:

    After his movie career, Frodo decided a suit was more becoming.

    (No digital enhancement reqd).

  150. 190
    evad666 says:

    Hollande reviews ne G4S personnel.

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Guido-hot-button (1) Guido-hot-button (1)

Rod Liddle on the loony UN sexism special rapporteur:

“There is more sexism in Britain than in any other country in the world, according to a mad woman who has been sent here by the United Nations.

Rashida Manjoo is a part-time professor of law at Cape Town University in the totally non-sexist country of South Africa (otherwise known as Rape Capital Of The World).

Mrs Magoo has been wandering around with her notebook and is appalled by the sexist “boys’ club” culture here, apparently.

I don’t doubt we still have sexism in the UK. But is it worse than in, say, Saudi Arabia, d’you think, honey-lamb? Or about 175 other countries? Get a grip, you doolally old bat.”

orkneylad says:

What’s he been doing FFS, mining bitcoins?

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