March 9th, 2012

No Custodial Sentence For Joyce


  1. 1
    Fact says:

    Fuckin disgrace!

  2. 2
    wibble says:

    Hardly surprising

  3. 3
    Kevin T says:

    Will he at least lose his seat?

  4. 4
    Infuriated of West Mids says:

    Nope. Not unless he resigns. Which he won’t.

  5. 5
    Winger says:

    No curfew?

  6. 6
    6749186 HUHNE Cell Block H says:

    Just shows they are above the law anybody else would have done time !

  7. 7
    Spell check says:

    Wots a sentance?

  8. 8

    He lost his temper first – now possibly his seat… could he use alzheimers as a defence?

  9. 9
    Whitestones says:

    He has vowed to stay at the trough until kicked out at the 2015 elections. Just keep an eye on his extortionate expenses claims until he gets the heave.

  10. 10
    EdMiliband says:


  11. 11
    Eric Joycedick says:


  12. 12
    just asking says:

    Did he have to pay damages?

  13. 13
    Steve Miliband says:

    He has lost the seat most important to him – the one in the Pub

  14. 14
    Jail Bait says:

    They could have at least put a Peckham Rolex on him. Just to make sure he doesn’t go down the pub. Then again his girlfriend is not old enough to go for drinkies anyway.

  15. 15
    Raving Loon says:

    I’ve always wondered why there is a reluctance to imprison MP’s. They’re representitives, not royalty, nor are they generally revered as particularly special people. I don’t think it undermines our system of government to imprison criminal MP’s, in fact it would re-infornce the rule of law. The alternative simply indicates that punishment is dependent of social status, which isn’t much different than when we had an absolute monarchy.

  16. 16
    Taxpayer says:

    Yes, but guess who will pay them.

  17. 17
    Ze BBC says:

  18. 18
    Bled White Taxpayer says:

    Typical Royal Army Education Corps male officer behaviour – drunk and boorish. The girls were always a reliable shag however.

  19. 19
    John Adlington says:

    I don’t think Joyce should have been gaoled but he should have the good grace to leave the commons at the earliest opportunity

  20. 20
    Ze BBC Follow up says:

  21. 21
    just an idea says:

    So let’s see Millibland issue a press release about this.

  22. 22
    Boudicca says:

    Will he claim it on expenses?

  23. 23
    Archer Karcher says:

    You know you are living in a banana republic when the laws of the land, do not apply to lawmakers.

  24. 24
    Anonymous says:

    & gets to remain as an MP until 2015……

  25. 25
    nellnewman says:

    Fine example of one law for them and another for us isn’t it!!!

  26. 26
    Choices, choices, choices. says:

    So what will Red do now?

  27. 27
    Lord Mandeboys of Fondlebum says:

    I’m quite relaxed about that.

  28. 28
    Alkie Ida says:

    We really must do something about these boys who comes out of the forces with a drink problem.

  29. 29
    ex-"Sir" Allen Stanford says:

    I tried that. Didn’t work.

  30. 30
    I don't need no doctor says:

    Labour can fuck the country up, be racist (Diane Abbot), be violent and get away with it (Joyce), not turn up to parliament but still get tax payers money (Brown), take the country to war where 1000’s are killed and get away with it (Blair).
    What is it with labour?

  31. 31
    Fact says:

    should that not be down to his voters?

  32. 32
    nellnewman says:

    apparently militwit has issued about 800 press releases since he became leader. can you remember any of them? because I sure can’t

  33. 33
    Yup says:

    So with his sentence he will stay a drunken loud mouth, self important, thuggish MP imposing laws on us. What a state of affairs our sorry arsed political system is. He should be sacked and an election held in his constituency. BTW he was crap in the Army. His photos look as if he liver damage to me from too much drink.

  34. 34
    Archer Karcher says:

    Only for three months, he’ll stock up on “carry oot” till then.

  35. 35
    Tuscan Tony says:

    To be fair to the fellow, what can you do these days to get a proper prison sentence, other than perhaps thoughtcrime?

  36. 36
    Yup says:

    They were and are shite.

  37. 37
    nellnewman says:

    Several times over I should imagine.

  38. 38
    nellnewman says:

    MP with good grace? that’s like expecting a ter rori st to behave with honour!!

  39. 39
    cammy says:

    Is a custodial sentence normal for an assault charge ? Is there evidence of previous convictions ? If not then a custodial sentence for a straightforward assault would seem harsh.

  40. 40
    Loungelizard says:

    Only one thing left for him now, the House Of Lords.

  41. 41
    Steve Miliband says:

    Probably allowed back in Starngers Bar

  42. 42
    Archer Karcher says:

    Whyever not? The parasites claim for everything else.

  43. 43
    Chuckus Yamoney says:

    Ed Miliband will quietly restore whip to Joyce and no more will be said.

    Move along nothing to see here

  44. 44
    Crown Prostration Service says:

    Bleeding-from-the-nose and Cut-to-the-Face sound like ABH, not common assualt injuries. Smells like a concealed CPS plea-bargain here.

  45. 45
    Ed's memorable magic moments says:

    Thoo Fharr
    Thoo Fhast

  46. 46
    Ernest Saunders says:

    Speak for yourself…..

  47. 47
  48. 48
    Archer Karcher says:

    The charge should have been Actual Bodily Harm.

  49. 49
    sockpuppet #4 says:

    If it was a standard pub tussle, they probably wouldnt bother with either.

  50. 50
    I'll have some of that...... says:

    He didn’t nut a gayer or a black – so what’s the problem?

  51. 51

    Eric Joyce told the judge that there were ‘too many Tories in here’ and this upset him greatly.

    His solicitor assured the judge that in future he would drink only at the BBC ‘where there are no Tories for miles.’

  52. 52

    What we need to know is ..if the police hadn’t broken it up, would Eric have won?

  53. 53

    A wolf whistle at gay marriage would probably do it.

  54. 54
    smoggie says:

    He did – as soon as the pubs opened.

  55. 55
    'Gypsy' Dave Cooper says:

    And Emma West got sent down for opening her mouth!

    This country is a fucking disgrace.

  56. 56
    sockpuppet #4 says:

    “Peckham Rolex”. delightful. I wonder what they call them in central scotland.

  57. 57
    Gonk says:

    Delay VAT figures or payment and it’s transportation to Tasmania for you.
    And keelhauling.

  58. 58
    Joss Taskin says:

    A Caledonian Cartier ?

  59. 59
    Kevin T says:

    Not if he’s a violent criminal, there should be some standards. There was a time and a place Reggie Kray could probably have got elected.

  60. 60
    I can't be arsed to think up a new pseudonym says:

    Those poppers do work then, Lord Mandeboys of Fondlebum?

  61. 61
  62. 62
    Dr Wodger says:

    And how does one tell someone has liver damage from a photo apart from jaundice (which in itself is not necessarily and indication of liver damage).

    He doesn’t appear to have jaundice?

    Seriously, I’d love to know.

  63. 63
    Dr Wodger says:

    And how does one tell someone has liver damage from a photo apart from jaundice (which in itself is not necessarily and indication of liver damage).

    He doesn’t appe^r to have jaundice?

    Seriously, I’d love to know.

  64. 64
    Strangers in the Shite says:

    He’s a thug. Where is the ASBO?

  65. 65
    Yup says:

    The ones I’ve seen show him to have a yellow hue, possible sign of liver trouble, but I stand to be corrected if I’m wrong, but he did have a yellow hue on the ones I’ve seen.

  66. 66
    Hove ExPat, now in Epsom says:

    If he claimed he had Alzheimers they would send him to the House of Lords.

  67. 67
    Anon says:

    This just about sums up what our parliament has become. Once, it was an honerable place with honerable members working for the good of the country. Now the thuggish behaviour of some, and the get rich quick attitude, by lying and cheating the taxpayer has become the norm. If he is not prepared to resign then he should be kicked out.

  68. 68
    Gordon says:

    A Jock strap?

  69. 69
    Anonymous says:

    erm, you might want to check what normal sentencing would be for a non-MP on this before saying ‘MPs are above the law’ – i think you’ll find that a scuffle in a bar, with no prior record, would not get you a custodial sentence. if anything, his sentence is probably more severe that it would have been for us mere mortals.

    he should still resign though.

  70. 70
    Geoff, England (not Britain or 'United' KIngdom) says:

    A Calton Cartier? For those who don’t know, Calton’s in the east end of Glasgow, not far from Celtic Park, whose denizens are probably very familiar with such items.

  71. 71
    The Roundhead says:

    Assaulting MPs in Parliament is treason.

  72. 72
    Another Engineer says:

    There’s only one way to find out….

  73. 73
    Geoff, England (not Britain or 'United' KIngdom) says:

    No, he shouldn’t be allowed to resign. The Liebour fascist party should have expelled him immediately, and there should be a by-election, although there shouldn’t be any MPs from Scotland in Wastemonster, as they have their own parliament. Joyce should also be banned from any public office for life.

  74. 74
    Alky Adda says:

    So he will be drinking at home instead of the pub.

  75. 75
    Geoff, England (not Britain or 'United' KIngdom) says:

    The fact that he’s a violent criminal won’t worry his constituents. In that part of the world, they’d vote for a bucket of horseshit if it had a Liebour rosette. I suspect that the fact that he’s been sticking it to the English, as his voters would consider the Tories, will only encourage them to vote for the slag.

  76. 76
    David laws Lib Dem fiddler says:

    Totally in line with Clarke’s soft on crime policy. David Laws’ case has not made it to the police yet after two years!!! When is Clegg going to clean up Westminster.

    Huhne should be pleased, he is likely to get sentenced to litter picking around a windmill.

  77. 77
    The Bottle Fed Triplet says:

    Now he is a convicted criminal won’t some do-gooder come rushing to his aid and explain away his thuggishness with heartrending stories of his “troubled upbringing”?

  78. 78
    Handycock (Teen Fondler) says:

    Another magnificent result for the Grand Master. Chris next. Boaz.

  79. 79
    Grand Master, Grand Lodge, Queen Street says:

    Jahbulon Mike.

  80. 80
    Lord Handycock, Teen Fondler of Fratton says:

    Me too. Boaz.

  81. 81
    Dennis MacShame says:

    We in the Labour Party are rightly proud of our probity and high moral standards.

  82. 82
    Frightened Inmate #2 says:

    A Barlinnie bracelet?

  83. 83
    Sick of them all says:

    Labour is a Unionist party.
    They love the English.

  84. 84
    Anonymous says:

    £3000 fine? Thats for NOT headbutting enough smug Tories.

  85. 85
    Gilbert Fiddler says:

    Former soldier – ‘Education Corps’.

    Tell that to the six grieving families.

    He’s an utter arsemole.

  86. 86
    scousewisdom says:

    Remember when Tories were tough ex army types, even the officers had boxed at sandhurst or oxbridge. The Cameroons seem a bunch of pouncers. Why didn’t the Tories simply pin him to the floor & rearrange his haggis face. Too soft for their own good, says it all.

  87. 87
    PQT says:

    Anyone able to re-write ” You can’t touch me I’m part of the Union”?

  88. 88
    Rob Roy says:

    A Sauchiehall saucepan

  89. 89
    Lord Justice Turkeyforahat says:

    “Turns out that “you can’t touch me, I’m an MP” was bang on.”


  90. 90
    Andy Stewart says:

    £350 ??

    Is that all a Glasgae Kiss is worth these days ? .

    Hoots mon aye could hae gotten more in mah day hirin’ oot mah sporran on Ladies Day !!

  91. 91
    Syrup Spotter says:

    I’m pretty sure Joyce, for that is of course a girls name, dyes his hair. I recollect seeing him as a ginger nut and now he’s muddy brown?

  92. 92
    Fanny the Tranny says:

    Look on the bright side, you would only get a 12 month community sentence for headbutting an MP. Seems like a bargain to me.

  93. 93
    Mordechai Vanunu says:

    I expect there’s at least one crack dealer in Peckham at the moment wearing both a Peckham Rolex AND a Rolex.

  94. 94
    Mordechai Vanunu says:

    Terrorists tend to have honour when they are on your side. Hence the collective orgasm over the 6 dead in Afghanistan

  95. 95
    Fuck 'em All says:



    Eric “You can’t touch me, I’m an MP” gets off with a fine and a community sentence.

    One rule for the Plebs, one for the Lords and Masters

  96. 96
    Tony Bliar that straight kinda guy says:

    tell me when parliament was full of such people……..Honourable dont make me laugh…

  97. 97
    Old Tory Bigot says:

    Indeed M’Lud.

    Any common man would have been charged with ABH and could look forward to a year in pokey.

    To add insult to injury the nasty little c unt is going to hang on ’till 2015 and Red Ed won’t do anyting about it.

  98. 98
    Mordechai Vanunu says:

    Excuse me but Cameron could have pulled the troops out. But did he? NO.

    I guess it’s all comes down to who he is a Friend of.

  99. 99
    ComeTheRevolution says:

    Speaking in Caps to get my point across …..


  100. 100
    Cynical-old-bag says:

    People have been imprisoned for a lot less then this!

    Just what does Joyce actually have to do to be put away? Kill someone?

  101. 101
    Cynical-old-bag says:

    I never trust a man who dyes his hair.

  102. 102
    Cynical-old-bag says:

    I thought it was cowardice.

  103. 103
    Alf Garnett says:

    Come off it, he’s an MP with wads of our money sloshing around his system.

    Barlinnie BREITLING at the very least.

  104. 104
    Cynical-old-bag says:

    Apart from a professional boxer, can anybody name another job where you could go to work, thump four people, and still retain your job – let alone not end up in prison?

    I can’t either.

  105. 105
    Ernest Saunders says:

    Well, it sure did for me.

  106. 106
    Cynical-old-bag says:

    Here’s a challenge for you Guido.

    How many people during the last month who were charged with a similar offence, have received the same sentence?

  107. 107
    Phil from the Wrekenton Seven Stars says:

    Joyce on the telly appears very contrite.

    He says he is going to stand down at the 2015 Election but will continue to sit as an MP. My understanding is that if he leaves at the end of the Parliament he will get a nice large wad of my money. If he leaves now he will get nothing.

  108. 108
    PG Tips says:

    Yes. He’ll get straight back and crack open the Fanny Batter Nouveau.

  109. 109
    John Ward says:

    And also you can’t touch me I’m a fat corrupt eurocrat desperate to stay on the gravy train no matter how many Greek pensioners I have to wipe out

  110. 110
    A taxpayer that's paying for this lowlife ! says:

    The cameras are outside his constituency office AGAIN !!!! Constituents slaughtering the guy but hey ho the usual two fingers, £200k in expenses, ripping the taxpayer off for a further £66k in salary, a couple of his yearly trips to the Congo, and he says ” you can’t touch me I am an MP” I’m staying till 2015 !!!!!!!!
    This scumbag will always have the last laugh !!!!

  111. 111
    The Wormwood Scrubs says:

    Shame. Me and a few of the lads were planning a little reception party. His lag name was going to be Ben Dover. I even shaved me ‘ead. Shame.

  112. 112
    Adam Werritty says:

    Labour say they have suspended Joyce pending internal disciplinary proceedings.

    They are also letting the Press know he is finished with the Party.

    Well if that is so then why the fuck bother with fuckwit disciplinary proceedings?They want to screw Joyce come what may.

    Imagine if this lot were running the country.

    It would be say one thing but think and do another.

    Do not trust this load of chancers and shysters.

  113. 113
    PG Tips says:

    Don’t worry folks, we can all still derive some schadenfreude from this saga. Joyce may have been let off lightly by the beak, but rest assured, he’s writhing in his own little hell of punishment every day, watching how all those years of rampant ambition, sucking up to the whips and rushing to be first on the airwaves got him absolutely nowhere. A self-loathing political nobody and never-was, with all future hope gone, drowned in alcohol to soothe all the bitterness and frustration, taken up pathetically with a schoolgirl so he can look at his ridiculous little self in the mirror and tell himself he’s still got what in fact he never had. And I for one think all of that is ABSOLUTELY FUCKING HILARIOUS. Come on everybody, laugh at useless drunken pervy loser Eric.

  114. 114
    Proletariat says:

    Police force?

  115. 115
    Handycock (Teen Fondler) says:

    Any comments like that about me and I will sue. boaz.

  116. 116
    Syrup Spotter says:

    100% True

    I am pretty sure that Mandlescum is an offender too! Well in many ways actually!

  117. 117
    Sue, the first Mrs Handycock says:

    Ha. Last time you said “I will, Sue”, it was only a matter of hours before I caught you with a fifteen-year-old Russian waitress in the reception hotel.

  118. 118
    Lord Justice Turkeyforahat says:

    I quite agree, it’s a crime.

  119. 119
    An impartial observer says:

    Assaulting MPs in Parliament should be obligatory.

  120. 120
    Starmer QC says:

    OK, I’ve got form when it comes to justice for MP’s

  121. 121
    Cynical-old-bag says:

    They aren’t allowed to thump people.

    If they were found to have done this they would be sacked.

  122. 122
    Cynical-old-bag says:

    This is so true.

    I live in Greece and the level of poverty is absolutely appalling. People have had their sa*laries and p*ensions cut in half, and they are still expected to pay hugely inflated gas, electricity and water bills. The massive extra housing t*ax was added to the electricity bill and people were told they would have their supply c*ut o*ff if they didn’t pay it. Petrol has soared and many shops have closed. How much more can people be expected to lose? The people at the top are the ones who have evaded their t**axes, and the people at the bottom are having to find the money to pay for it. The Greeks have been made an example of by the politic*ians and the me*dia and this is so very unfair. If people could see what is actually going on here they would be horrified.

  123. 123
    Cynical-old-bag says:

    With a bit of luck someone will do something.

  124. 124
    Jackass Straw, Diane Fatbott, Gordon McMental etc.... says:

    Ha ha, yes, we love the English!

  125. 125
    MPs are special says:

    How many people who’ve assaulted a colleague on company premises would still have a job by the end of the day?

  126. 126
    Steve Lloyd says:

    Pretty despicable crime whichever way you look at it, and having that kind of scum off the streets for a few years, can only be a good thing.

  127. 127
    Broadsword calling Danny Boy says:

    If the going rate is 12 months community service for doing three MPs I suggest that they get some minders ‘cos it’s going to be an awfully long queue.

    Oh I forgot – most if us don’t have access to the “you can’t touch me I’m an MP defence”.

  128. 128
    Andrew says:

    I hate to be boring but I don’t think anyone of his record would have got a custodial on this one. Possibly suspended.

  129. 129
    Jeffrey Bernard says:

    Inevitable given the charges, Guido, and nothing to do with his status as an MP.

    In the meantime, however, perhaps Mr Joyce should reflect on the benefits of LSD:

    Personally, I wouldn’t touch the stuff (LSD that is).

  130. 130
    Kered Ybretsae says:

    Once again a Dishonourable seems to be above the Law.

  131. 131
    Jeffrey Bernard says:

    Perhaps I need to stay clear of the industrial-grade meths, but have just seen Joyce’s statement to the press outside court in which he appears to express sadness and embarrassment about avoiding a jail sentence.

  132. 132
    Mike Gapes MP says:

    No need for poppers round there.

  133. 133
    Mike Gapes MP says:

    Parliamentary Privilege. You can’t touch me either.

  134. 134
    Falstaff says:


  135. 135
    Mike Gapes MP says:

    It’ll be the Chiltern Hundreds for you, Handycock!

  136. 136
    Falstaff says:

    As none of the others fought back, the likely winner wasn’t in question.

  137. 137
    Falstaff says:

    Unionism is no friend of the English, and it certainly doesn’t get them a Parliament of their own.

  138. 138
    The first stages of CiF says:

    A Govan geegaw.

  139. 139
    Anonymous says:

    Him or the court sentence?

  140. 140
    Anonymous says:

    Are the bars in HoC licensed premises? If not he will be able to drink in them without contravening the terms of the sentence.

  141. 141
    Ken Dodds dads dogs dead says:

    Yes – but cops, solicitors, barristers, people working with children etc would lose their job – not it seems an mp !

  142. 142
    huwwuh says:

    I dare not type what I think.

  143. 143
    Anonymous says:

    BBC News – LSD ‘helps alcoholics to give up drinking’

  144. 144
    Isambard Brunel says:

    Would Scottish independence keep drunken twats like this out of Westminster?

    Surely we have enough of our own?

  145. 145
    DrunkTeengroper says:

    Rugby players are expected to show a higher standard of behavior than MPs.

  146. 146
    DrunkTeengroper says:

    From 2015 onwards I expect to spend the rest of my days in the local pub, dressed in tweed shooting jacket and sixpence, boring everyone present to death telling them about my service in the RAEC.

  147. 147
    Eric Joyce says:

    I have my own strap on thank you & you can’t touch it

  148. 148
    maggie the dog says:


  149. 149
    Pilgrims Progress says:

    Joyce will obviously be known as MP Hammer henceforth – You can’t touch this !. Bacardi and cokes for all

  150. 150
    Sandy Jamieson says:

    I suspect in Falkirk it would be called a Bainsford Bangle

  151. 151
    Charlie Peace says:

    If a Police officer was charged and found guilty of similar offences on or off duty then he or she would expect a custodial sentence and loss of job and pension. There are several in prisonnow for over-reacting in high-pressure and confrontational situations yet this f*cker to all intents and purposes, gets away with it. Disgraceful

  152. 152
    Rufus Stone says:

    Same as he has always done – sweet F.A.

  153. 153
    Slime Lord says:

    Yep definately a fuckin disgrace
    what if this had been a premier league footballer doing the same , or even a BNP member— they would have been thrown to the dogs with indignant howls from the left

  154. 154
    Proletariat says:

    Thump people? Sorry I thought you meant shoot people and keep their jobs. My bad.

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