May 11th, 2011

Heffer Sacked From the Telegraph

There will be champagne glasses chinking in Downing Street tonight as the news emerges that the Telegraph have sacked Simon Heffer. No friend of Dave, the conservative journalist is apparently off to “pursue a role in journalism and broadcasting that will allow him to complete a major literary project while developing his academic interests.” Will that be at the better-off-out Express or better-off-out UKIP, or both?

Telegraph sources say the “column had got into a rut.” Officially editor Tony Gallagher said “While I am sorry to see him depart, I fully understand his reasons and he leaves with everyone’s best wishes.” And a very large cheque Guido hears.


  1. 1
    Non believer says:

    “personal blend of miserable-moaning, right-wingery and pomposity had become quite stale” eh Gweedo?

    my irony meter just blew a gasket

  2. 2
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

    Another one bites the dust!

  3. 3
    Adrian says:

    Good riddance to a pompous buffoon.

  4. 4
    Don Draper, Madison Avenue says:

    Hefferlump is one brand even I couldn’t sell. To anyone.

  5. 5
    It cost you 4 years revenue untill now says:

    Thats the telegraph richer by a quid a day.

  6. 6
    Anonymous says:

    Star spangled banner:

  7. 7
    Lord Mandelbum of Fondleboys says:

    Good to see the back of this Heifer – with that hair colour and his poor sight (eyesight and insight) he must be a Highland heifer. Whatever, so long as we see and hear less of him, the better.

  8. 8
    character assassination 6/4 (fav) says:

    Fat Hunt.

  9. 9
    character assassination 6/4 (fav) says:

    Fat bastard.

  10. 10
    Popeye says:

    Good old Heff keep the Union flag flying high!

  11. 11
    AC1 says:

    Pity Dave can’t leave instead.

  12. 12
    Cynical-old-bag says:

    Frankly, I don’t give a damn.

    Heffer is big enough and ugly enough to sort himself out – and I’m sure he will be better off as a result.

  13. 13
    Anonymous says:

    Why the hostility? All he does is point out how much of a tw@t Cameron is, and he hates Labour more. what’s not to like?

  14. 14
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

    So, Guido, When are you going to give us the winners of the caption contest? Or are you just going to put in the long grass :-)

  15. 15
    Doc Trough says:

    Did he Heff and Peff?

  16. 16
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

    He is ginger.

  17. 17
    BBC Bolsheviks say says:

    Comrades, the revolutionary leadership of the journalists soviet states that it is right and ideologically correct to dismiss the couter revolutionary jackal and denounce him as an enemy of the people.

    I for one will stop buying the Telegraph as a result of this

  18. 18
    Phantom says:

    Bitter old duffer. Good riddance.

  19. 19
    Tickle Duster says:

    Sad to see him go, he pretty much nailed why Cam & Ozzie failed to seal the deal. With growth expectations being dialled back by the week his call for supply-side reforms is bang on the dosh.

  20. 20
    Lady Virginia Droit de Seigneur says:

    They really ought to sack Mary Riddell instead. She is as much of a NuLabour shill as Jackie Ashley or Polly Toynbee

  21. 21
    Rejoice rejoice says:

    plus 1
    This last year have been schendenfreude gold star. Brown humilated,Balls made to look even more of an idiot , Scottish Labour trounced,Milliband out of his depth, Mandellson’s friends In Libya in the doo doo, and now that nasty nasty Heffer sacked from the Telegraph. Bubbly tonight. Just get Huhne out and I send you a case of Bolly.

  22. 22
    Gordon Brown says:


  23. 23
    Still angry at Labour corruption, sleaze & incompetence says:

    Shame that he’s lost the column in a notionally right wing paper – I agreed with most if not all of his article headlines in the (increasingly) Labourgraph.

  24. 24
    cast iron Dave says:

    I will give you a referendum.

  25. 25
    Lady Virginia Droit de Seigneur says:

    I’ll say thing one thing for Heffer – he was consistent in his views and brand of conservatism not like the media whore Toynbee who rushed from Tony to Gordon to Ed like some two bob Bangkok hooker

  26. 26
    kay burleys suspender belt says:

    Back to the Mail ?

  27. 27
    Jack says:

    The Cameroons and Hilton will be so pleased……Bring back Mark Steyn!

  28. 28

    Simple Simon
    Met a pie man

    Which explains quite a lot.

  29. 29
    David Milibean says:

    What about me? Have I been forgotten already?
    She said I was great.

  30. 30
    smoggie says:

    If she were a Bangkok hooker, she’d starve.

  31. 31
    David Steal says:

    ..And me!

  32. 32
    Nick Clugg says:

    ..And me! What a whore!

  33. 33
    Engineer says:

    And Geoffrey Lean.

  34. 34
    David Owe 'em says:

    And me.
    A woman’s prerogative to change her mind, but this is ridiculous..

  35. 35
    Tubb says:

    Why all the anti-Heffer diatribes? Someone’s got to tell it as it is. If Cameron couldn’t manage to get an overall majority after 13 years of the worst government in living memory he deserves everything Heffer throws at him.

  36. 36
    Kneel Kincock says:

    ..Now hang on lads..I was the favourite..right?

  37. 37

    But Heffer is a complete arse.

    He thinks UKIP are socialists.

  38. 38
    John Stiff says:

    …I was the 1st choice.
    After sealing our pact, she said she thought she’d died and gone to heaven.

    Well, one of us had.

  39. 39
    Lady Virginia Droit de Seigneur says:

    I don’t think his frequent calls for a return of the death penalty help his public image much either.

  40. 40
    Moley says:

    Heffer did a good job of speaking truth to the powerful and I can’t fully understand why the Telegraph got rid of him.

    Did his truth hit a nerve?

  41. 41
    Magnolia says:

    I loved his writing.
    He enjoyed freedom of speech rights and gave vent to it.
    He also rote proper.
    He is fat, very red headed and has Piggy eyesight and probably gets his own back on every bully with that vicious tongue.
    What a gift.
    The DT has started to try to appeal to women in a ‘Telegraphy’ sort of Daily Mail way.
    What they might like to ponder on is that some women read the DT to escape the girlie drivel in the DM.
    I will miss him.
    Nice to see this site has been cleaned up, well done.

  42. 42
    Dave says:


  43. 43
    john miller says:

    I think I know who one of the Bobs is, but I’m just having a wild guess at the other one.

  44. 44
    Engineer says:

    Provided Bryony Gordon doesn’t take over his column, it’ll probably improve the DT. Heffer was getting a bit samey; occasionally insightful, more usually pompously to the right of Colonel Blimp. No doubt Disgusted of Tunbridge Wells will harrumph, but the rest of us will survive.

  45. 45
    David Laws says:

    I’m Gaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyy

  46. 46
    Baps Watch says:

    ITV’s Nina Hossain’s melons are stunning. Catch a glimpe before the show finishes.

  47. 47

    How very dare you.

  48. 48
    Bob Crow and Bob Ainsworth says:

    It was us – she really does have no standards

  49. 49
    Lady Virginia Droit de Seigneur says:

    And henceforth you will be known as David Lawbender.

  50. 50
    The Paragnostic says:

    Have you been being naughty on Twitter, Guido?

    The Mail’s picked up on it – I think a restaurant review might be in order…

  51. 51
    Fap Fap Fap says:

    First class totty she is:

  52. 52
    Little Boy Blue says:

    Couldn’t agree more. She is one reason I stopped buying the Telegraph. The other reason is I can read it for free in the local library.

  53. 53
    Tron says:

    He gave right-wing views a bad name. Talk about charmless.

  54. 54
    Little Boy Blue says:

    Ugly two bob Bangkok hooker.

  55. 55
    The Paragnostic says:

    +1 – but yet another coffee on keyboard…

    As Roy “Chubby” Brown would have said…

    “Oi, fat fucker – what’s on the menu?”

  56. 56
    jgm2 says:

    She’d have to give free blow-jobs just to have something warm in her stomach.

  57. 57
    David Laws says:

    I tried to save the taxpayer some cash but it didn’t quite work out as planned.


    Think of the parents!

    Gissa job back!

  58. 58
    say what you see says:

    They can all fuck off. They are paid to spin as much as the tossers who edit the papers and manage the papers.

  59. 59
    The Paragnostic says:

    Shhhhh – “supply side” positively reeks of Thatcherism, and everyone who watches the BBC knows that she ate babies for breakfast!

    The fact that she saved the British economy from total meltdown is obviously irrelevant.

  60. 60
    Reality approaches says:

    What has happened to Ambrose Evans-Pritchard?

    Some six weeks without an article, or have I missed them?

  61. 61
    The Paragnostic says:

    Just looked at the Mail article again, Guido – the silhouette is very flattering!

    Is the Mail’s photo editor a friend?

    I think we should be told…

  62. 62
    Lady Virginia Droit de Seigneur says:

    His last article did say he was taking some time out. I’d like to see much more from Jeff Randall as well but he seems to be concentrating on TV at the moment.

  63. 63
    The Paragnostic says:

    Nothing on the site since his bit on thorium reactors in March – perhaps he’s on a long holiday, or perhaps he writes too much sense for the modern Labourgraph.

  64. 64
    BillyBob... No NHS treatment for immigrants, reform reform!! says:

    Chop off ‘is obnoxious knob !!

  65. 65

    A great loss to journalism.
    Pompous twat though he is, at least he bothered to proof-read his rants before uploading them, unlike most of the gimps the Telegraph employs nowadays.

  66. 66
    Weygand says:

    Heffer had become a self parody and a particularly tedious, repetitive and negative one.

    Is it a coincidence that Brogan wrote a positive article about Dave today?


    If only Mary Riddell could bugger off as well! (Does she live at 50,000 fathoms or is it just an unfortunate photo which accompanies her articles).

  67. 67
    Next stop - paywall and oblivion says:

    +1. And ditto Little Blue Boy.

    The DT’s not been the same since Conrad Black left.

  68. 68
    jgm2 says:

    Have they still got the risible Craig Brown?

    I know Auberon Waugh was hard to replace but that c*unt Brown is as funny as pissing broken glass.

  69. 69
    He can't have been too upset to get sacked says:


    I agree Heffer had become a self-parody. Sad thing is, he was one of the few DT staff (I won’t say ‘journalists’ as copying and pasting from Facebook isn’t journalism) who could string a sentence together without littering it with spelling and grammatical mistakes.

  70. 70
    Tessa Tickles says:

    There’s a name from the past! No, he left in 2008.

  71. 71
    Tony says:

    Arrrghhh. Mind Bleach!

  72. 72
    RT says:

    I think you’re confusing truth with bollocks.

  73. 73
    jgm2 says:

    I stopped buying it years ago. I think it was when Auberon Waugh died, and after a few weeks of the Brown clown, it suddenly dawned on me that this was Waugh’s replacement and not just some random shit I hadn’t noticed before.

  74. 74
    Anonymous says:

    Why would that be , since the majority of the public would support it’s reintroduction ?

  75. 75
    not a machine says:

    Who now will tell us all of French Cinema , Vaughn Williams , intelligent political history and write with a british heart ? Unbelievable comprehension of English , his books will still be read long after courage is the in 20p section on market stall.
    I suspect the telegraph may have suffered sharp elbow although I hope Mr Dellingpole is on the mend . He perhaps felt the comments he recieved were both ignorant and tripe , but a sublime contribution to traditional conservative values and its champions.
    One of his books quite literally changed my life ,when the quiet langauge of the matter and era came to light , he did not like liars in politics even though truth is often scarce and his attacks on the new era politics perhaps made some a little too bruised by his insicive and experiened intellect.

    I will mis his telegraph collum greatly , but shall look forward to the quality books he will publish , and still ponder if the new media is dumbed down for ensuring there are enough prols to get anything through.

  76. 76
    Mike Hunt says:

    twer better if the dave fucked of and heifer stayed

  77. 77
    Anonymous says:

    I like Simon Heffer. If you are going to ‘get rid’ then get rid of that bleating leftie woman that gets to comment every week. She’s shite!

  78. 78
    The Paragnostic says:

    Isn’t he still producing his piss-poor parodic diaries for Private Eye?

  79. 79
    RT says:

    Peter Oborne is probably the best writing on the Telegraph at the moment. Heffer’s brain is a walnut by comparison.

  80. 80
    jgm2 says:

    Oh, is that him? I wondered why that is practically the only bit I don’t bother reading. Experience teaching me that it’s a waste of retina.

    Now it makes sense.

    How is it possible to be so utterly talentless and yet get all these writing jobs? Is he Polly Toynbee’s sister or something? In fact Toynbee is (accidentally) hilarious at times but that Brown bloke is just…embarrassing. He’s the literary equivalent of those tuneless, talentless entrants on ‘X-factor’ that they take the piss out of before giving them 3 thumbs down.

  81. 81
    jgm2 says:

    Toynbee’s brother. D’oh.

  82. 82
    Fitbad the Tailor says:

    The Telegraph hasn’t been the same since well dressed men like Peter Simple kicked the bucket.

    Who are these dreadful women that haunt the pages? Bryony Gordon, Mary Riddell, etc. etc.

    And who thought it a good idea to bring back the self-regarding Matthew Norman? An uncle, cousin, brother? Who else would find him funny or entertaining?

  83. 83
    Och Eye the Noo says:

    heffer gets my goat and hes always got the hump…express sounds perfect

  84. 84
    Anonymous says:

    The Heffer has Heff’d off! When’s Hitchen going from the Mail?

  85. 85
    Southern Softy says:

    I wouldn’t put my pus-ridden cock anywhere near her face.
    Far too good for her face.

  86. 86
    Everybody who reads this blog says:

    hey, tosser, fuck off and die.

  87. 87
    Disgusted of Tunbridge Wells says:


  88. 88
    Everybody who reads this blog says:

    hey, tosser, fuck off and die

  89. 89
    Primrose Hill Marxist says:

    Tom Utley, Craig Brown and now the Heff, replaced by Mary Riddled, Bryony Gordon and a host of talentless leftists (although I wouldn’t put Bryony in the talentless category).

    Fuck you Telegraph, that’s the final straw.

  90. 90
    Trevors Den says:

    Good riddance to the fucking bastard.

    Pity he cannot take a few of the ignorant shits who pollute these pages with him.

  91. 91
    Primrose Hill Marxist says:

    >his bit on thorium reactors
    Bryony Gordon’s?

  92. 92
    Engineer says:

    Told you….

  93. 93
    Trevors Den says:

    He is an arse – a bigoted ignorant loony tune right wing arse – no doubt he can amuse himself writing to these pages under various pseudonyms (maybe he already does).

  94. 94
    Down With Brown! says:

    Who’s replacing Hef?

  95. 95
    Trevors Den says:

    Are you actually Jimmy Tarbuck?

  96. 96
    They are all fakes says:

    Heffer was another so-called media Conservative, who was really a bit lefty and anti-tory and the quiet. He admitted to voting for Liebour in 1997 and recently said that he detected no bias at the BBC! FFS!
    Media Conservatives seemed to be so far removed from real-life conservatives/right wingers, in that they have often had Labour and left-wing leanings in their past (Hitchens and Daly for example). Yet, I am a right-winger and I know many, in the real world, who have never and will never vote Labour or support lefties of any description. The right-wing fakers inteh press only do it because that is what is most populist and they cna get paid most for expressig right-wing sentiments. They would rather get paid a load for being a fake conservative rather than not make a living in the media and have to get a real job and become a real conservative.

  97. 97
    They are all fakes says:

    Obourne is another closet lefty who wants to be populist. But he is still a fake.

  98. 98
    Cynfeeaarr says:

    Good riddance to bad rubbish I say!

  99. 99

    Cameron is a hero of warfare, and doesn’t need people like Heffer in the media. Grandchildren are killed, and he doesn’t want to have to apologise or express regret.

    He’s above it all now.

    Cameron is a precious asset to the One World Government, sending our servicemen into multiple wars on an open-ended basis, where his career, like Blair’s, is secured, and the coffins flown home.

    We murder and rob the assets of other nations on behalf of oil corporations, banks and other cartels who are so powerful they can pay to have politicians or mere journalists removed at will.

  100. 100
  101. 101
    John Keats says:

    “Bollocks is truth, truth bollocks,” – that is all
    Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know.

  102. 102
    ichabod says:

    The number of interesting readable scribblers the Telegraph has got rid off over the last few years ( no one’s mentioned A.N.Wilson yet) is astounding–and look at the replacements Byrony Gordon, Mary Riddell ( the worst journalist in Fleet Street).Heffer was one of the last big names,and one of the few people worth buying the paper for. What does the Telegraph stand for now ? The Mail has the more interesting, provocative writers ( mostly pinched from the Telegraph). I can’t name any of the last few Telegraph editors–the one named above i’d never heard of. Pigmies prepared to do the B*rcl*ys bidding.
    You know that Riddell woman seemed to get sexually excited whenever she wrote about Gordon Brown.

  103. 103
    ichabod says:

    Oborne’s such a simpleton, he thought the P*k*st*n* military enticed Bin Laden down from the border lands in 2006 so that the US could get at him, in 2011. Peter’s rather a defender of things Islamic, especially in the UK.

  104. 104
    The Paragnostic says:

    Thorium, not Phwooarium!

  105. 105
    Dogsbody says:

    Cannot agree with you Guido. Heff’s blend of comment has not become stale. It is invariably succint and to the point. I should have thought that glasses clinking in Downing Street at his departure is ample evidence of a perceptive voice against coalition government malaise being unduly silenced. Shame on you, sir!

  106. 106
    Anonymous says:

    List of people who need to be sacked from the Daily Telegraph:

    Celia Walden, worst columnist in the Telegraph by a country mile
    Mary ‘the Riddler’ Riddell, goes without saying.
    Melissa Kite for of that dreadful Dad’s Army spoof of the Brown Government.
    Melissa Whitworth, her articles about New York would make Marie Antoinette blush.
    Christina Odone, Glenda Slagg doesn’t belong in the telegraph.

  107. 107
    Spanish Tyke says:

    Abandonó hace años, el ahorro fue una gran parte hacia mi subs anual del club de golf, doble placer!

  108. 108
    Colonel Blimp says:

    Nobody is to MY right.

  109. 109
    Jethro says:

    Even I’ve noticed how it’s recently become The Daily Tottygraph’ and/or ‘the Daily Fluffygraph’ (lovely pictures of tree-frogs today – with acceccorised eyes and toes!)
    I think I shall go back to buying The Morning Post.

  110. 110
    Lady Virginia Droit de Seigneur says:

    Riddell is very far from being a journalist – she is merely a mouthpiece for the Labour Party in the same way Toilets Maguire and Jackie Ashley are. Heffer was somewhat different being trenchant in his criticism of the Tories when he disagreed with them. You would never get that from Maguire and Riddell.

  111. 111
    They're all smug, sneering Celt cunts at the BBC, 'cept Kuenssbergs whom I wish to bum intensely says:

    This is tremendous news.
    The smug, self regarding, arrogant, intellectually vacuous Heffer is a ginger tit of the first order.

    His core reason for attacking Cameron was it he didnt act like the heroic Mrs Fatch circa 1979-83.

    Good riddance cu’nttttttttttttt

  112. 112
    Simon Heffer's Style Guru says:

    Don’t worry about Simon. We are planning a big image makeover for him. You know how David Hassellhoff is known as The Hoff? Well, meet The Heff.

    The Heff will get a new hairstyle, wardrobe, contact lenses, and a total body reshaping thanks to our personal training team (look out for The Heff fitness DVD out around Christmas).

    We’re going to launch him onto the American market, to fill the gap left by Glenn Beck.

  113. 113
    LabourNutter says:

    Heffer and Toynbee are mirror images of each other. Heffer believes all government spending is consumption. Toynbee believes all government spending is investment – even if it’s investment in someone in the council running around with a clipboard counting lesbians.
    Both are full of shit – but at least Heffer was well written with the occasional numerous metaphor.

  114. 114
    Mary Riddell is a friend of Jonah Brown says:

    I cancelled my subscription to the Telegraph. When they rang to ask why, I told them “two words – Mary Riddell”.

    The marketing guy said that he’d been hearing that from a lot of now ex-subscribers.

  115. 115
    Jethro Q. Walrus-Titty says:

    He’s not a patch on Alibhai-Brown is he? tee hee

  116. 116
    RT says:

    Yes. You’re still here.

  117. 117
    Reactionary says:

    So now the EU-hating Express is the only right wing paper left. Think I’ll stick to the blogs.

  118. 118
    Goodbye Heff says:

    Yep – Heffer had Cameron pegged as a vacuous twat from the very beginning and also refuses to pay his TV licence. While an intellectual his brand of pomposity is considered and well earned unlike the socialist academic for academic’s sake brand which holds less water than a condom about to burst. The only reason to maintain my subscription now is Christopher Booker on Sundays. Shame, I just renewed last month but not next year. The Telegraph has become a tabloid rag with a pretty girl splashed on the front page almost everyday and some of the recent SUN style ‘flaming June’ pics have been positively pedo. Still some good comment from the likes of Roger Bootle and Tom Stevenson in the Business section but is it really worth it?

  119. 119
    opinion prole says:

    I have been reading the Daily Telegraph ( & Morning Post ) as long as I can remember, but no more.
    The moment when Guardian scribblers finally concede that the ‘progressive majority’ doesn’t actually exist, is precisely not the time to ditch right-wing commentators. Bring them on. Laugh at Lefties. Come back Peter Simple.
    I can’t stand that Riddell woman and I don’t give a damn which sleb is pregnant.

  120. 120
    Anonymous says:

    Telegraph sources say the “column had got into a rut.

    Errm, but that`s the style that they publish, viz, Lean, Gray, Porter, Booker, Ambrose, Halligan, etc…

    5 reasons why I, currently, buy the DT: Boris, Heffer, Booker, AEP, and Halligan, and now one fewer reason to subscribe.

    BTW, where`s AEP when you want him with the Apocalypse now looming? He`s become very quiet recently, another sacking?

    Booker next?

    More power to the blogs; look how many readers Lord Tebbit`s blog attracts.

  121. 121
    Don Draper, Madison Avenue says:

    Isn’t the Torygraph Editor a friend of the Blairs and has a personal loathing of Cameron?

    Take a look at the Spectator too. Like most of the press and broadcasting end of the MSS – has become an echo chamber for the Left – Cohen, Bright, Liddle and very few conservative writers or thinkers. What the hell is going on?

  122. 122
    Ricky Ponting's eyes are veryclosetogether says:

    Simon Heffer? Gifted, common sense malcontent, arch socialist tail-twister, conservative fisker and precision writer; ground down by his own integrity in the face of Westminster mediocrity.

    Telegraph’s loss.

  123. 123
    Ricky Ponting's eyes are veryclosetogether says:


    Riddell is a ‘regressive minority’ mong. It is time to laugh at lefties. They hate it.

  124. 124
    Gingerbiscuits says:

    Blimey! I didn’t think anybody got sacked from the DT – I thought they had to be carried out in a box.

    Is this Dave’s new “Flashman” persona in action?

  125. 125
    JohnC says:

    I can’t believe this, how stupid is the telegraph becoming Heffer is one of the main reasons I read the thing (apart from the content and Gordon B.)

    At least he can now be more scathing of the softies/lefties.

    With any look he’ll join UKIP

  126. 126
    The Labourgraph says:

    Its obvious that AEP is next in the firing line. Heff has been sidelined in the DT for a while, but was still one of the very view columns that I actually enjoy reading. Can anyone really say, hand on heart, the Cameron holds true and traditional Conservative values? He deserves to be bashed on a regular basis.

  127. 127
    Cynic says:


    Its so boring predictable and out of date

  128. 128
    The Labourgraph says:

    I’d say consistent and clear. Cameron hasn’t changed, so why should Heff’s view change?

  129. 129
    Gingerbiscuits says:

    “Peter’s rather a defender of things Islamic . .” This is undboutedly true, he comes across an an apologist for Islam, but does anyone know why? Doesn’t he cliam to be a Christian?

  130. 130
    Titford Hat says:

    I gave up reading Heffer’s articles months ago. His relentless anti-Dave articles got right up my nose. I don’t read Mary Riddell either.

    I don’t buy the paper – it’s free on the internet.

  131. 131
    Lard Presclott says:


  132. 132
    Titford Hat says:

    Chistopher Booker is certifiably loony.

  133. 133
    Gingerbiscuits says:

    Heffer seems to have been the style guru for the DT. Whatever his opinions, he seems to have been a stickler for the use of correct and consistent English. Expect inconsistencies, gross factual errors, and spelling mistakes to increase sharply.

  134. 134
    Ratsniffer says:

    The reason Heffer has gone is because the telegraph long ceased to be a conservative newspaper.

  135. 135
    Ricky Ponting's eyes are veryclosetogether says:

    It’s a well-known fact that he’s disliked and feared by many Cameroonies – including our sitting MP who cannot bear him. Largely because The Heff (peace be upon Him) regularly and uncompromisingly speaks the discomfiting truth. With both barrels.

  136. 136
    Gingerbiscuits says:

    I’ve been brooding about the Hefferlump’s demise. Yes, he was a parody of himself, yes, you knew what he was going to say before you even began to read his column, but since when has that put you beyond the pale of the DT?

    Furthermore, they’ve let it be known he’s gone because his column was shit, which is almost unheard of. This is a personal kick in the goolies from someone on high. He can’t have fucked their wife because he’s too old, fat and ugly. That only leaves our old friend, the expenses fiddle . . . chapter and verse please, Guido!

  137. 137
    Lord Fondlebum of Boy says:

    Can Heffer draw? Is he funny? If not, he could become the new Rich and Mark.

    It will also help if he’s a total c unt. It’s working for Rich and Mark.

  138. 138
    Lord Fondlebum of Boy says:

    Bryony Gordon is the daughter of Mirror hack Jane Gordon. Her mother got her a gig on the Mirror and that’s why she has a career.

    She has floppy tits and a huge smelly ginger bush too, I shouldn’t wonder.

    Medialand = nepotism. Whether it’s newspapers, TV or whatever, the whole thing is heavily stitched up by media parents for their talentless media kids.

    Remember Johnny Hates Jazz? Musical talent Calvin Hayes’ dad was Mickie Most. How handy!

    The most egregious example of this is Claudia Winkleman, who is to quality TV presenting what Rich and Mark are to political cartooning, saitirical art, and wit, i.e. a total fucking stranger. She has a career because her mother is Eve Pollard, who was editrix of the Mirror and the Express. Eve Pollard, in turn, was editrix of the Daily Express because her second husband was editor of the Sunday Express. Winkleman’s stepmother is a children’s novelist who got her half-sister jobs in acting.

    So she pulled herself up by her mother’s bootstraps.

    Media luvvies are all very lefty and egalitarian except when it comes to their own broods, at which point their attitudes to social mobility start to look positively feudal. Don’t get me started on those talentless c unts the Redgraves.

    Presumably we can look forward one day to wittty cartoons by the offspring of Rich and Mark. If in 20 years’ time you see unfunny cartoons of nobody you recognise signed off Piss and Cack, or whatever, you’ll know this prediction came true.

  139. 139
    Harold Macmillan says:

    First met Heffer in 1976 during one of his many appearances at Oxford. The man has not changed one iota since then.

  140. 140
    Poor Bloody Taxpayer says:

    I like Simon Heffer too. I hate Mary Riddel, why on earth do the Telegraph pay her to spout her sub-Marxist drivel?
    Alibhai Brown should be shot, the ungrateful bitch.

  141. 141
    Paul Marks says:

    One of the finest journalists in Britain – and a very honest man.

    Sometimes Mr Heffer has paid a price for his honestly in the past – for example his religious position (wishing God, and life after death, existed – but holding that they do not) alienated both religious people and athiest activists.

    Now Mr Heffer has paid a price for his honesty about Cameron and co.

    The decline of the Telegraph continues.

  142. 142
    Paul Marks says:

    There is deep need in Britain for a newspaper that is not slavishly pro Cameron, but does not share the anti Americanism (and other negative elements) of the Daily Mail.

    Oddly enough, although it was meant as a snear, Guido may be right about the Daily Express – there is no room in mid market (its sales are held down by the Daily Mail) and a move down market would be suicide – straight into the Sun.

    So (if Desmond has the guts) a move up market – to take readers (Conservative readers) off the Daily Telegraph would be the correct move.

    It is either that or close down – because the Daily Express can not stay where it is.

  143. 143
    sandown says:

    Simon Heffer’s departure is serious loss to the Daily Telegraph, and to the cause of market-economy conservativism in general.

    With inflation rising and the public-sector unions getting more aggressive, Heffer’s analysis is exactly what the present government needs to stiffen its backbone — even if they wince at his mode of expression.

    Instead, the DT are doubtless going to ladle out more pinkish slop, from the likes of Matthew D’Ancona.

  144. 144
    Peter Carter-Fuck says:

    Quite right, no-one with tits like Bryony is ever beyond hope. As for the Shitgraph, if they sack writers like Mark Steyn and Heffer, and continue to employ left wing rubbish like Mary Bride of Stalin Riddell, Geoffrey Fat Bastard Lean and Robert I’ve Always Voted Labour Webb then fuck em. Fuck em in the arse, motherfuckers, and fuck the weird twin fuckers too. Fucking rag’s about 99p too expensive anyway.

  145. 145
    Peter Carter-Fuck says:

    Those Swedish bitches were gaging for it eh, Julian?

  146. 146
    Peter Carter-Fuck says:

    Sir Anthony Eden says Hi, and you’re still a total c.unt.

  147. 147
    Dicky Desmond says:

    Do you know, it’s conterintuitive, but I think you must be right.

  148. 148
    Gingernuts says:

    Still brooding on the man. I now think that, instead of finding another outlet for his – let’s face it – predictable opinions, he should edit something. He’s damn good on style. The trouble is, from his point of view, that being damn good on style is completely out of . . .er . . . style (and it pays peanuts).

    PS. I take back my coarse jibs of earlier on.

  149. 149
    Peter Carter-Fuck says:

    I think that’s a brilliant idea, the Express could become a more upmarket conservative paper, only with anal loving babes. The concept’s a winner for sure.

  150. 150
    Jabba the Cat says:


  151. 151
    johnc says:

    so tru so true

  152. 152
    johnc says:

    gordon B. being the blond one not the ex primeminister

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