April 4th, 2011

Hain – The Hidden Chapters

Guido is always happy to hear news of an old friend, so imagine his delight when this press release arrived earlier:

“BITEBACK is delighted to announce it will be publishing the autobiography of former Cabinet Minister Peter Hain in January 2012. Hain held an array of glittering posts in the British political firmament under both Blair and Brown.”

Guido can’t wait to finally read the truth about keeping it in the family – with the details of what Hain’s pensioner mother was doing to earn her taxpayer funded salary as one of his staff. The truth behind that bank robbery in 1974 that Hain was charged with, but got off after blaming “a body double.” One of the most interesting chapters will surely be how he didn’t notice that “someone else” was spending an extra hundred grand during his deputy-leadership bid and how he couldn’t add it all up. The fun he had digging up cricket pitches as a Liberal Party student activist. And finally we may learn the truth of exactly how he was exposed to that perma-tan blast of radiation.


  1. 1
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

    And he vandalised Cricket grounds, Scum i tell ya.

  2. 2
    Call me Infidel says:

    The Japanese should hire this prick to repair their damaged nuke plant. His skin is so thick any radiation would just bounce off.

  3. 3
    Harry says:

    One of the very few who actually deserved a bloody good hiding.

  4. 4
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

    On this wider count off mislaying money , which most have done over expenses, If they cant account for 100k , Then what makes them think they should be anywhere near the levers of power , We have already seen the lengths they go to , too decive the taxpayer for their own personal gain .

    As i said before it is time the serious fraud squad was sent in Parliament and all goverment buildings and a full forensic account of every penny spent must be produced, If any are found guilty of a crime then thier is only one sentence, Hanging!

  5. 5
    Tantastic says:

    Bloody hell! Bank robbery!

  6. 6
    The Paragnostic says:

    Aye Billy – the tangoed twat did Headingley. Far worse than bank robbery, is that. Wish the c’unt had got the Blair Peach treatment.

  7. 7
    Steve Miliband says:


  8. 8
    Anonymous says:

    “Hain held an array of glittering posts in the British political firmament under both Blair and Brown”

    Er, you mean like being ‘Welsh Secretary’, when a devolved administration is making all the tricky decisions on his behalf ? You mean he gets a fancy ‘rubber stamp’ for all those decisions ?

  9. 9
    Disco Biscuit says:

    Do you think there will be a chapter devoted to Morgan Allen Morgue and his other corrupt cronies?

  10. 10
    (I've been renamed) DA-Notice says:

    Known to his chums as ‘Agent Orange’.

  11. 11
    Maddamar Qaddaffi says:

    The Cricket Pitches and Bank Robbers scream of George Davis, London Cabbie.

  12. 12
    Dunkin' Smith says:

    It is right that his mother was working even though she was 102. Everyone I know wants to work until they’re over 90, especially MPs.

  13. 13
    ???? says:

    Fair do’s Billy he had nothing against cricket…… he disrupted Rugby matches as well but he WAS a Liberal back then in the 70’s after all so we have to excuse him

  14. 14
    Maddamar Qaddaffi says:


    George Davis (born 1941) was an armed robber in the United Kingdom, who became widely known through a very successful campaign by friends and supporters to free him from prison after his wrongful conviction in March 1975 for an armed payroll robbery at the London Electricity Board (LEB) offices in Ilford on 4 April 1974. The conviction was based solely on the unreliable use of identification evidence, in the absence of any other evidence connecting him with the crime. Following his release Davis went on to be jailed for two other cases of armed robbery.

  15. 15
    Cost Cutting Conservative says:

    Funny how a Labour MP who has done a bit of Ashcroft bashing is more than happy to be getting a couple of quid from him to publish his memoirs. I take it Harper Collins weren’t interested then?

  16. 16
    Anonymong says:

    The BBC are to appoint an extremist as the editor of Question Time: http://journalofjournalism.blogspot.com/2011/03/biased-bbc-to-appoint-left-wing.html

  17. 17
    Mark Austin says:

    One memory I have is of a friend of mine (Labour) who, knowing I was a Liberal activist, told me about his joining the Labour Party, and was somewhat taken abaock at my response, which was (as I recall) “I’m delighted to hear this. I can only hope he does as much damage to Labour as he did to the Liberals”.

    I’m glad to say I think he did.

    However, he was always worth watching in any Labour internal strugle. Not because what he said was important, but because he was one of the most reliable weather vanes in that party: could always be relied on to position himself on the winning side early enough for it not to seem to be oppoertunism.

  18. 18
    Engineer says:

    The heavy roller might have been more appropriate.

  19. 19
    Hans Christian Andersen says:

    I shall be redacting this fairy tale.

  20. 20
    B.O.S.S says:

    We should have finished this Trot off years ago when we had the chance.

  21. 21
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

    Guido , Peter Hain does seem to know right loonies


  22. 22
    Engineer says:

    No change there, then.

  23. 23
    john in cheshire says:

    Hain is an alien and as such should be expelled from the country. That is long overdue. How does an immigrant such as he manage to insinutate himself into positions of power in our country only then to use that power for himself and to undermine the foundations on which our country (not his) has been formed over the past 1000 or so years?

  24. 24
    Sir Norman Skelhorn says:

    He was as guilty as sin for the robbery and got away with it.Two witnesses positively identified him-that should have been enough to convict him

  25. 25
    Engineer says:

    ….and still does…

  26. 26
    Stepney says:

    The very definition of VANITY publishing.

    (Don’t hold your breath for even a scintilla of truth either – this is the man that could have tutored Brown and Balls in the delicate art of ‘lying though your fucking teeth’).

    A master of his art.

  27. 27
    Nick says:

    Not to mention the rugby match he disrupted that I & thousands wemre trying to watch! Scum bag piece of shite! Fuck off back fro me whence you came Hain!!

  28. 28
    Dopeek Hunt says:

    unctuous \UNGK-choo-us\, adjective:

    1. Of the nature or quality of an unguent or ointment; fatty; oily; greasy.
    2. Having a smooth, greasy feel, as certain minerals.
    3. Insincerely or excessively suave or ingratiating in manner or speech; marked by a false or smug earnestness or agreeableness.

    Sums the fucker up.

  29. 29
    Labourunionsbbc we are one says:

    How is it a foreigner can become an MP, yet a foreigner can’t play sport for this country? Is being a sprotsman for England more important than an MP?

    And, not only that, commited a crime: vandalisim, so he’s a criminal foreigner. Surley there must be a limit to what kind of low life can be an MP.

  30. 30
    marcus Aurelius says:

    Permatan Pete has a load of skeletons in the cupboard. I just hope his past catches up with him while I’m still around to see it. Otherwise I’ll go to the grave with the suspicion that crime really does pay.

  31. 31
    Peter Hain says:

    Fack off slag, I’m important

  32. 32
    Labourunionsbbc we are one says:


  33. 33
    Engineer says:

    Strongly suspect that Hain will be doing that himself.

  34. 34
    Stepney says:

    And some ungrammatical loonies at that – have you read it? What a bunch of ignorant arses. Probably think Palestine is a suburb of Greenock.

  35. 35
    Magnus Pyke says:

    This slimeball has never done an honest days’ work in his life.

  36. 36
    sockpuppet #4 says:

    So basically Maddamar, you’re saying that the bloke was guilty of all sorts of crimes, but got fitted up for something with very weak evidence. The police and public would have been happy with the result, and he might not whinge too much because he was hardly “not guilty” of anything at all.

    Had you read up on the case before you sent Al McGraughty over?

  37. 37
    Anonymous says:

    Are you talking about Granny’s Pension?

    Keep it in the family I say, and out of the press.
    Wot they don’t know will never hurt ‘em.
    Jack up the tax, who cares?

  38. 38

    Hain held an array of glittering posts.

    I’ll just bet he did.

  39. 39
    marcus Aurelius says:

    what nationality does Permatan Pete hold?

    Can’t we deport him back to Kennya? Isn’t that where he is really from? I bet he would just love African politics. It seems thieving and bullying are par for the course there.

    I bet he would like Zimbabwe even more. He could be a spokeman for the Marxist Zanu Party, a kind of token whitey to represent Mugabe.

  40. 40
    Peter Heinous says:

    Hain held an array of glittering posts in the British political firmament under both Blair and Brown.

    Anyone who calls working in any posts under Blair and Brown “glittering” needs sectioning.

  41. 41

    Neither was The Beano.

  42. 42
    Number 7 says:

    A friend of mine tells the story of Hain being ejected from the St Helens (Swansea) ground during a South African game. The university rugby club (alegedly) threw him over the fence – plod was looking the other way!

  43. 43
    sockpuppet #4 says:

    As a treat for you all: his grandfather was scottish.
    I bet at the time, that could make it pretty easy for him to get British citizenship.

  44. 44
    Backwoodsman says:

    The highpoint of his career was when cornered by the lads from the Banwen Miners Hunt in his constituency house, he tried to call the SAS to come and rescue him ! Plod eventually sent the local panda car round.

  45. 45
    Nelson Mandela says:

    Where were you Peter when we got our freedom? I thought you would be one of the first to return to help rebuild our country. Perhaps we’ll find out in your new book.

  46. 46
    Anonymous says:

    It’s hard to find the words to describe Hain. Odious shyster springs to mind.
    Listening to BBC Parliament this afternoon, one cannot be repulsed by the site of labour’s rughby front row, namely Emily Thornberry, John Healey and Diane Abbott.
    Emily Thornberry has got to one of most snobby, egotistical labour MPs ever.

  47. 47
    Anonymous says:

    Do you mean that Hain who said a Labour Gvt should ally itself with ‘shop-floor power’ ? Who on hearing the death of someone by a striker said he destroyed documents before the police could get to them ? The Hain that took from:-

    Two donations totalling nearly £15,000 came from South African Isaac Kaye, who was chairman of Norton Healthcare when it was embroiled in a police investigation over defrauding the NHS, and who has also been accused of bribing doctors in South Africa to prescribe Norton drugs. Norton has also been found guilty of breaking US law by refusing to allow its nurses to take part in trade union activity. (That Hain that thinks the NHS isn’t in safe hands now ?)

    Before emigrating to Britain, Kaye was a prominent supporter of the National Party, the governing party of the apartheid regime that repressed millions of black South Africans and against whom Peter Hain had fought when he was a leader of the anti-apartheid movement.

    That Peter Hain ?

  48. 48
    Joss Taskin says:

    Maybe he means glitter as in Gary ??????

  49. 49
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

    First they came for the cricket pitches, i said nothing…

  50. 50
    RED ED - SON OF BROWN says:

    I was with you, Nelson !! Standing on your shoulders.

  51. 51
    Ed Stuttering Balls says:

    BlaBlaBlaBlaBlairite! *spit*

  52. 52
    augustine the hippo says:

    The book should be nominated for the Orange Prize for Fiction.

  53. 53
    wes says:

    And 80 other officers round the corner. Hain did quite well out of it – serving the protesters Tea on his drive – even after they had cut his water off.

  54. 54
    AlkyEda says:

    Alky! He can’t get the booze down his neck quick enough!

  55. 55
    Mike Hunt says:

    But would he take spin?

  56. 56
    Mike Hunt says:

    Thanks to one James Gordon Brown, most of my generation will be forced to.

  57. 57
    Another Conundrum says:

    I hope it will be warts and all, sorry all warts, obviously!

  58. 58
    Mercian says:

    He should have been hanged for digging up a cricket pitch. He obviously has no idea whatsoever about English culture. Not surprising I suppose as he’s a South African.

  59. 59
    In All Ways An Old Con says:

    It woz BOSS what framed me, honest!

  60. 60
    Engineer says:

    Hain is one of very few people who can spin it both ways at the same time.

  61. 61
    The Only Tory in Scotland says:

    Palestine would be the rich, genteel part of Greenock. You can find it on a map, but only with a magnifying glass.

  62. 62
    Victorious English Rugby, Football and Cricket Teams says:

    We don’t need to import foreigners to play in our serial World Cup wins, every four years since Pontius was a pilot.

  63. 63
    Bled White Taxpayer says:

    Billy does satire on real poetry! Who knew? Or is that just one of the wannabe Billys?

  64. 64
    Bureau of State Security says:

    Love that photo, Hain feels the arrival of his old mate, Dark Baron Madlescum.

  65. 65
    Islington Sarf voter says:


    Somebody else who finds this oily-Vaz-like fatty Emily Thornberry unpleasant, condescending and totally unlikeable.

  66. 66
    Hain in the rrrr's says:


    A lovely man.

  67. 67
    Oranges are not the only pith says:


  68. 68
    Sir William Waad says:

    Guess what – posh education, professional-class parents, university, trendy left-wing politics, plotting the revolution from Daddy’s country cottage, lecturing others on their behaviour and spending other folks’ money.

  69. 69
    Randy Candy the Pole Dancer says:

    I too have held an array of glittering posts.

  70. 70
    More Conundrums says:

    …and just because his Grandad was Scottish, this country was daft enough to give him refuge from the wicked South African Regime, funny how he never went back to live under Mandela though!!!

  71. 71
    Dick Turpin says:

    Someone should send Hain over to Fukushima, they could use him to plug that crack in the leaky reactor. The radiation clearly wouldn’t worry him a jot.

  72. 72
    Peter Hain says:

    Fuck off, have you seen the crime figures! It’s fucking dangerous.

  73. 73
    Pass The Sick Bag says:

    This is where he should be, then falling up and down the station steps a few times.

    Despicable heap of shite with a face the tone of raw sewage.

  74. 74
    Peter Hain says:

    Hansard: “I refer the honourable gentleman to my reply number 72 below”

  75. 75
    Anonymous says:

    And finally we may learn the truth of exactly how he was exposed to that perma-tan blast of radiation.

    2 possible reasons for the above 1. eating excessive amounts of carrots or that paint on tanning cream, I once saw a bloke painting himself with the stuff,look for streaky marks, unless he baths in the stuff.

  76. 76
    Peter Hain says:

    I wear this tan as a proud and defiant tribute to all those wonderful blacks wat I freed from the chains of white oppression.

    Sadly, to remind me that thanks to my efforts they are actually worse off under the current regime, those that survive the murder, stabbings, rapes and abuse, unfortunately live in unimaginable ( for me anyway ) poverty.

    Such is life, meanwhile it’s not bad at this time of year in Wales.

  77. 77
  78. 78
    Jack Straw MP says:

    “how he couldn’t add it all up. ” Sums are not our strong point.

  79. 79
    BillyBob.....time for Dave to get a grip at home !! says:

    What an elongated nipple head he is !!

  80. 80
    House of the bribed and blackmailed says:

    Having a load of skeletons in the cupboard seems to be the normal condition for our political class.

  81. 81
    Orange Bank Robber says:

    I thought you would be one of the first to return to help rebuild our country.

    Are you freaking mad?

  82. 82
    bergen says:

    The document destroyer was Kim Howells(who turned out to be a decent MP and minister) and not the orange one(a useless MP and even worse minister).

  83. 83
    I don't need no doctor says:

    Peter Hain also known as Perma Turd.

  84. 84
    Jack Straw MP says:

    Won’t mention the now journalist then student who protested vehemently against the Springboks then threw away his banner and went to the turnstile with his ticket to watch the game he earlier did not want played!

  85. 85
    Lt General Bertie Farquarson says:

    I seem to remember he had a bank account in a bank in Putney many decades ago.

    In South Africa, in my language, I wou;d have been known as a Poes.

  86. 86
    stilyagi_air_corps says:

    When I was in my teens, a thoroughly respectable ex counter-jumper/dealer of my acquaintance told me an interesting story about George Davis: he’d been staying, long-term, a couple of cells across from the cell Davis was held in immediately after being re-nicked, this time for good. Davis was sobbing all night like a self pitying Labour MP about how unfair life was, and what a fool he was to have blown his second chance and freedom by re-offending… but there were no liberal softhearts to hear his heart-rending pleas and stifled moans of contrition that night: only a landing full of pissed-off and contemptuous professional criminals who, shall we say, did not treat him with the pity and condescension he’d grown accustomed to under the progressive media spotlight …

  87. 87
    Anonymous says:

    Ah yes thats right – mea culpa ! Too ready to believe the worst of this awful man..
    But thanks for taking the time to let me me know

  88. 88
    A Readerperson says:

    A new book?

    Well, I for one H’ain’t going to be buying or reading it.

  89. 89
    A Readerperson says:

    Yes, and with EU luvvie Patten now/soon to be in charge we can expect no changes at all. What happened to Cameron’s gonads?

  90. 90
    Mrs Malaprop and Mr Spooner says:

    So, he’s a Hain in the pass?

  91. 91
    That's News says:

    Hain got off after blaming “a body double.”

    Simple answer, just look fro a BOSS agent who was suffering from jaundice!

  92. 92
    Peter Hain says:

    As every student of history knows after my acquittal the Tango Man was convicted of the bank robbery and was sentenced to 30 years. It was a relief to know the cloud of suspicion had finally been lifted although it does explain why so many witnesses identified me as the robber.

  93. 93
    I hate Blue Labour says:

    Scum, like all the champagne socialists.

  94. 94
    The Cock Doc. says:

    So is Lord Lloyd-Webber, apparently.

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