March 11th, 2011

Unbankable Story

Being a gossip-monger means that sometimes, given the nature of gossip, you don’t have all the pieces of a story or you can’t prove it. For example when there are only two people in the room, who won’t comment on what they were doing in the room, it would be difficult to establish with certainty in front of a judge what they were doing. Or sometimes a judge prevents you even when you know…

So there was this ****** bloke who worked closely with another ****** colleague, they apparently began an adulterous affair not long after the ****ing crisis of 2008. He went to Court to stop it getting out that he had been banging her. Because he is the most notorious ****** of his generation he also banned references to his profession lest he be identified. Guido would be in contempt of Court if he told you his name or profession…


  1. 1
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

    Fred Goodwin you mean?


    • 3
      Ampers says:

      Did you have a good shit earlier Billy?


    • 16
      misterned says:

      more than enuff said.

      We could not possibly confirm that it is Fred Goodwin, and that is purely speculation on your part.

      There is not possibly be enough information in the above to finger Fred Goodwin either and it could apply to any other adulterous person from any profession or any industry.

      I would never assume that the above related to Fred Goodwin of the Banking profession, and that assumption would be purely and absolutely only be the assumption of the reader, and this assumption could not in any way be inferred or implied in relation to the information above, except on the most widely speculative basis, which would in any case be an assumption so wide and speculative that it covers all of industry and everyone within.

      So I am not expressly saying that it is Fred Goodwin.


    • 112
      FurtiveFerret says:

      Is there a shread of evidence?


    • 126
      Sleepless in Kirkaldy says:

      If it is **** then I am sorry for his wife and kids. They went through hell once and will probably now do so again.

      Why do rich people think they won’t get found out?


    • 132
      Yeah, right..... says:

      So it wasn’t just RBS shareholders he screwed?


    • 143
      John Prescott says:

      Shocking habit – boning one’s acquaintances at work !!

      “”Guido would be in contempt of Court if he told you his name or profession…””

      What about her name – and more importantly is she fit


    • 188
      Anonymous says:

      Marred by a lack of detail …


  2. 2
    Gladys Pew says:

    Now who could you be referring to? Hmmmmm…..


  3. 4
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

    Knighted by a Labour goverment for services to banking.


  4. 5
    gyges says:

    Can one be in contempt through innuendo? (Even though it is false innuendo).


  5. 7
    Ampers says:

    I think you’re skating on very thin ice, Guido…

    I wonder who this wanker is?

    By the way, did you know the reason why the Irish called their currency the Punt? It was because it rhymed with banker.



    • 135
      Meoffg says:

      No its called the punt because the stupid ****s punted their future on property and have left it to their grandkids to take the payup. The Celtic tiger is definitely extinct now


    • 220
      Mike (England) says:

      not really, it was brought up under privilege in parliament, Guido is reporting that, not breaking the super injunction.

      pretty a few more mp’s couldn’t get stories out this way.


  6. 8
    Iloathlefties says:

    Good old Goodwin, you couldn’t make it up. Such a nice bloke too!!


  7. 9
    Mr No Name says:

    Fred ‘the shred’ Goodwin. That is all


  8. 10
    Cast iron Dave says:

    Is it that pop singer “Right said Fred” ?


  9. 11
    Cast iron Dave says:

    What was the boys name that he was buggering?


  10. 12
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

    Could you imagiane the uproar if the Tory goverment had knigted Nick Lesson?


  11. 13
    Ed Balls says:

    Is it me?


  12. 14
    Socialism Ate My Future says:

    Brilliant i think we need to see more of this when these medieval injunctions are used.

    Is this the same type of injunction that’s being useful Scotland over the abuse of that poor disabled child?


    • 191
      jrand says:

      Of course it is , what else do expect from the fetid cesspit that spawned Bruin and a lot his cronies including Fred the bankster?


    • 196
      Boardwalk Empire says:

      What about the one taken out by Purcells mob. Why has this never been challenged in court as there is clear public Intrest issues over this issue. Surely as he was the leader of a municipal council we the pu lic whom he was supposed to serve have the right to know that he was not corrupt in any way. Nothing to hide nothing to fear.


  13. 15
    juggernaut says:

    Which is worse bonking or bwanking? Its a toughie


    • 17
      Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

      If your name is Sarah Brown then for the last 10 years bonking……..


  14. 19
    Carter Fuck says:

    Medieval fucking Super Injunction coming your way Fawkes.

    Desist from your illegal activities or we will shut down all telecoms, Internet services and apply for all UK mail to be routed through our office personally checked by our team of junior Carter Fuckers.


    • 28
      Waste Paper Bin says:

      I’m standing by for action!


    • 31
      anon says:

      Fuck you! You’re next up against the wall!


      • 57
        Carter Fuck says:

        Your first mistake was to use your real name.

        We have a staff gym here at Fuck HQ and a detail of our strongest lawyers are coming over now to stop you talking.

        You can tell us afterwards how it feels to go from anonyMAN to anonyMOUSE.

        We at Carter Fuck are exceptionally clever.


        • 87
          Mike Hunt says:

          I refer you to Arkell and PressDram.


        • 97
          DonkeyDong says:

          You’re a bunch of windowlicking wankers. Do the world a favour and top yourself you twat.


        • 109
          Sir William Waad says:

          I’ve always found Cameron Doley a pretty decent sort, even if he has that annoying habit of bringing his smartphone with him wherever he goes and letting it ping and buzz at him. A lot of his work concerns wealthy, fat Arabs suing other fat, wealthy Arabs and if he can make a few mill out of that it’s fine by me.

          Plus, when all’s said and done, the media should tell the truth, shouldn’t they, rather than bullying and abusing people by making up dirty stories about them? Even if they’re sometimes true, as old Granny Clopton in Waad Magna used to say, “What the eye don’t see, the ‘art don’t grieve over.”

          (P.S. – Carter Ruck – can you do something about the catering? The sandwiches I was offered last time were both unidentifiable and inedible.)


          • Carter Fuck says:

            Sir William. Lovely to hear from you again.

            Talking of fat Arabs, we had Saif and Muammar in our Caracas office a couple of weeks ago…we presumed it was for a super injunction to prevent disclosure of their impending leveraged genocide at Libya corp. So imagine our surprise when Saif said told us he’d been fucking Sir Fred for years and if it all came out now there would be riots in Tripoli. Can you believe it! They left disappointed but at least they enjoyed the sanduches.

            Anyway, how’s Hunty?


  15. 20
    Coney Island says:

    Oh, you mean Goodwin. The same GOODWIN that gets a feckin GOOD(WIN) pension. Should have kept his dick in trousers – silly fecker!

    Anyway – I didn’t think they could get you Guido??


    • 27
      Dick the Prick says:

      He only get £350k per year pension – have a heart man. Taxpayers should be happy and proud to be funding him.


  16. 22
    Engineer says:

    The slightly ironic thing is that if Frederick the Disassembler hadn’t gone to the trouble of obtaining a superinjunction, not many people would have heard about his wandering body-part, and even fewer would have been bothered.

    Makes you think there’s more to find out….


  17. 25
    sockpuppet #4 says:

    Euphonium player?


  18. 26
    Osama the Nazarene says:

    Fred the sh*g eh!

    You see, sometimes in life the shits get the girl and the money!


  19. 29
    Tough on Crime : Tough on the Causes of Crime says:

    Hang the fucking ****** fuckers.

    p.s. why should he get the right to close down a news story? For this reason alone he has something to hide and everything to fear.

    Like Bliar, he should fear much for the rest of his days.


  20. 30
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

    Wasnt a piggy due in court this week? Or is it next week?


  21. 32
    Grex says:

    Well he was in contempt of the whole of the UK, so can fuck right off.


  22. 33
    Albert Hall says:

    ok so I’m an idiot, who is the other half involved?


  23. 34
    LabourNutter says:

    Why don’t you send the super-injunction to wikileaks?


  24. 36
    Doc Trough says:

    If you read a super injunction out loud 3 times, then the Devil shall appear. Och aye love my bigoted woman in a very mansely way.


  25. 37
    alex weir says:

    Well done guido. When the law is an ass, make an ass of the law!


  26. 38
    Lonely poet says:

    Never mind Fred the Shred,

    Who shared his bed?

    Any old bmp or jpg will do,

    Just show us who.


    • 45
      Cynical-old-bag says:

      Will Rich and Mark’s cartoon on Monday try to tell us?


      • 198
        Fred the wanker says:

        Rich and Mark could illustrate the two players in this sordid tale of adultery but no court in the land would convict of contempt due to the Lack of identification.


  27. 40
    Gordon Brown stinks of shit says:

    Is his name Sir Dred Badwin?


  28. 42
    Gordon Brown says:

    It’s not me, even though I am the most notorious wanker of my generation. Oh, you meant banker.


  29. 43
    Cynical-old-bag says:

    Sir F*** has been a bit stupid.

    If he’d kept his trap shut nobody would’ve been any the wiser. He must have known that journalists would start digging and if he didn’t, he deserves everything he gets – apart from his 500k per year pension, that is.


  30. 44
    QWERTY says:

    Have Gordon McFail and Lord Mandelmong finally come clean?


  31. 48
    A non e mouse says:

    There is an even bigger name with an injunction much more important to the nation than Freddie Boy. Cannot give Guido any details as I cannot prove it, but was told 3 months ago. Recreational Drugs involved a wild wild boy who spends his bonuses well.


  32. 49

    So he’s cheating on his wife !
    his marrage will be in “Shreds”
    What a feckin “Barclays”
    so he was getting more than his” shares”
    was he leaving a “Deposit” ?


  33. 50
    Carter Fuck says:


    All you fuckers better shutup because the judge said you can’t talk about this. I have just instructed 10 of my top Fuckers to take the names of everyone here and we will be seeing the judge later today.

    Our firm is very very powerful and you will all regret this.


  34. 51
    Meltdown says:

    Sounds like the emergency cooling system at a shutdown Japanese Nuclear power station has failed.


    • 59
      Sky Snooze says:

      Sounds like Sky News are whipping themselves up in a frenzy of orgiastic ecstasy. Love the way they are attempting to justify it by casually dropping in to the chatter that the media provide a public service. Hmm, is this the same public service they give when holding the governments of the day to account?

      LOLs all round.


    • 68
      It's a funny old World...... says:

      You’ll know it’s serious when Sky Movies starts showing a re-run of “The China Syndrome”……..


    • 163
      Flatpackhamster says:

      Doesn’t matter. If the cooling system packs in the whole plant shuts down. No explosion, sorry.


      • 203
        Anonymous says:

        You in all innocence (probably) are not aware that a Nuclear explosion is not the problem. If the emergency cooling system fails then the fuel rods will over heat and melt down. It is very unlikely that this will form a critical mass as the design of the reactor should prevent this. But what can easily happen is that a release of radioactive gases will occur if the primary containment is breached due to extreme pressures caused.


  35. 52
  36. 54

    I would imagine that Max Stifford will be negotiating himself a slice of the action later !


    • 131
      I love u Mr C says:

      That guy gives me goosebumps whenever I see him, or hear his name mentioned
      He’s 110% obnoxious.
      Smarm personified.


  37. 55
    Anonymous says:

    Four years after her daughter’s disappearance, Kate McCann is to tell the story of her daughter Madeline’s disappearance in the hope it will unearth “the key piece to the jigsaw”.
    Is she coming clean or just out to make a few more hundred thousand.


  38. 56
    hmmm says:

    hey I reckon he is a traffic warden


  39. 58
    Fred the Shred ( knighted by Gordon Brown ) says:

    Gagging order ?? Gagging for it, more like !!

    Off to lunch with Gordon. We’re both hiding north o’ the border, dya nae ken ??


  40. 61

    Are we sure a female is involved?


  41. 64
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

    Was Fred having an affair with Tory Bear?


  42. 66
    Joss Taskin says:

    Did Gordon knight him for services to banking or servicing a banker ??


  43. 67

    In Britain we dont reward people for failure ha ha ha
    Fred isn’t the only one !


  44. 71
    Blinky says:

    I’m a wanker.


  45. 73
    Mike Hunt says:

    “Olswang, Sir Fred’s solicitors, also declined to comment.”

    Not Farter-Fuck then, makes a change.


    • 81
      Cassius says:

      Thanks to Brown and Balls, the beknighted bonker can afford to pay up front.

      Doesnt have to call Carter “no gag, no fee” Fuck like the rest of us cheapies.


  46. 74
    It's a funny old World...... says:

    Shows what a fucking waste of time “Super Injunctions” are….you can usually crack any of them with a bit of application,nouse and a few minutes on the “web”………… personally though I couldn’t give a monkeys who’s allegedly fucking who when or where as long as it didn’t affect their performance that is………..


  47. 76

    Judging by the fact the Telegraph is broadcasting his name all over the place, it seems we can identify the individual now. We just can’t call him a merchant ***ker.


  48. 77
    Handycock says:

    I am a great admirer of Fred Goodwin, he used to provide easy loans for my dodgy business colleagues, here in Portsmouth. Looks like he is an ‘Ocean Going Shagger’ just like me.


    • 201
      Gordon Brown says:

      Mike, for Christ’s sake don’t blow the whistle that your ‘Businessmen’ that I brought Fred to present ‘ Portsmouth Businessmen of the year’ awards to, are all big time Drug Dealers.


      • 207
        Handycock says:

        Nice one Gordon. I am sure you know that my greatest strength and protection, is that if I go down I will take many others with me, including you.


  49. 80
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

    And i bet if he stood for labour in a election in scotland they would still elect him!


  50. 83
    Sir William Waad says:

    Another vainglorious takeover bid, then? A banker is never more innocently employed than playing ‘cars and garages’ away from home.


  51. 85
    Richard Timney says:

    So who was the poor and deluded recipient of his largesse (or possibly smallesse)? Wasn’t my wife or Blinky’s, was it?


  52. 86
    Poxy Patten says:

    another shed load of UK expats on way home – this time japan.

    No thread about Tory Lord and the BBC job…interesting !!!!


  53. 88
    Up sh1t creek says:

    Lucky for us Fred didn’t go to court to prevent us saying he’s a wanker!

    It would have made a better story if the newspapers printed the word wanker instead of banker… at least he cannot produce any evidence to the contrary.


  54. 89
    Gordon Brown says:

    Can I have my rocking horse? I forgot to take it with me.


  55. 91
    Engineer says:

    Just a passing thought.

    During a very severe banking crisis, the senior figures in struggling banks might well have many meetings with senior ministers, such as the Chief Secretary to the Treasury.

    Surely not…..


    • 101
      Anonymous says:

      “….who worked closely with another ****** colleague, they apparently began an adulterous affair…..”

      ***** = banker? So, unlikely?


  56. 92
    Confused of cock a leg over says:

    I wonder whether Hansard for yesterday might shed any light?


    • 105
      Not really says:

      John Hemming (Birmingham, Yardley) (LD): In a secret hearing, Fred Goodwin has obtained a super-injunction preventing him from being identified as a banker. Will the Government hold a debate, or make a statement, on freedom of speech, and whether there is one law for the rich, such as Fred Goodwin, and another for the poor, such as Lee Gilliland who has had his mental capacity removed on the basis of a report from his GP that he is not allowed to see?

      Sir George Young: I know that in a week’s time my hon. Friend will have a debate in Westminster Hall which may impinge on some of these issues. I will raise with the appropriate Minister the matter that he has just raised, but it seems to impinge on the responsibility of the courts and any Minister would be cautious about commenting on that.


  57. 94
    Ian E says:

    Always said ******* was a nasty fucker!


  58. 95
    Tony Blair, War Criminal says:

    You ain’t seen me, right.


  59. 96
    Poxy Patten says:

    You clearly didnt read Gidders memo. “Need to put the banking situation behind us”….ie Gidders was hoping that stories about bankers would go away. thanks for keeping in the news Guido….LOL

    People still hate bankers, regardless of Cambo and Gidders attempts to sweep it under the carpet


  60. 98
    misterned says:

    9/11 was an inside job!!!


  61. 99
    John Ward says:

    I hear he doesn’t want to be called a wanker any more. Perhaps this is why. To be honest I’m much more interested in who he’s shagging.



  62. 103
    The Labour Party says:

    It wasn’t us who knighted him! It was the baby eating Tories! They also created the dodgy dossier and hired McBride! We’re saints! We did nothing wrong! It was baby eating Tories who claimed for dry rot! Maggie Moran is honourable and honest! Believe us! Obey us! Oops, I mean, believe us!


  63. 104
    Robert Catesby says:

    So his secretary was gagging on his bellend, and he liked it so much he got a court injunction to ensure she kept on gagging. Courts are our friends.


  64. 106
    Poxy Patten says:

    Just paid £1.40 for diesel……… I blame the current Labour government…..errrrrrr


    • 111
      Tax Payer says:

      ….because it was they who increased fuel duty so much ?


      • 138
        Poxy Patten says:

        errrrrrrrr diesel May 2010 = £1.06.

        Remember this “Tax Payer”

        Hard pressed motorist, hard pressed moterist…. continue to ad neausum.


        • 146
          Poxy Patten says:

          I hate to piss all over your bonfire Tax Payer…. you have been in power for nearly a year now.

          Gonna introduce a fuel stableliser…..errrrr just at the point when fuel hits its highest cost…..YAWN


          • sockpuppet #4 says:

            you should blame it on speculators. or oil companies. Why not blame it on the Wankers. (A euphamism for something worse.).


  65. 107
    Mr Facts says:

    I know who it is, it’s Fatty Arbuckle isn’t it?


  66. 108
    Mornington Crescent says:

    Mister Littlejohn on form today:

    Did anyone hear the 8pm news on Radio 2 last evening, when the bint newsreader referred to “the Labour leader Ed Balls”? Slip of the tongue? Wishful thinking? Or…?


  67. 110
    Poxy Patten says:

    OMG….Billy Vague has convened a meeting of COBRA, to help assist UK nationals in japan…..they are fu*cked


  68. 113
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

    I wonder why there are so many cross benchers in the house of lords and no happy ones?


  69. 116
    Span Ows says:

    LOL! That is brilliant and you have to agree with the guy; his 4 reasons apply equally to the UK


    • 133
      Noise says:

      that may be the shortest, most concise statement on the whole thing I’ve seen. The swearing makes it sound more educated.


  70. 117
    Friday already? says:

    Do we know who the boyfriend is? As they were banking together, he must be from RBoS (unless ‘Sir’ was doing some freelance banking), so who’s digging?


    • 122
      smoggie says:


      “…to stop it getting out that he had been banging her.”

      Not all ban… er, not all city boys are boys.


  71. 118
    Ed Round-things says:

    Phew. For a minute I thought it read as “blinker”.


  72. 125
    Danno says:

    The man’s vanity has clearly got the better of him – as if anyone gives a shit about Fred Goodwin’s peccadilloes!


  73. 128
    Ted Treen says:

    Guido old lad,

    Nothing short of brilliant. I doff my hat to you.


  74. 134
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

    I hear that Mossad have the details….


  75. 137
    streamfisher says:

    I don’t know why they bother with special injunctions, just draws more attention to the fact they have got guilty ‘secrets’, you can’t shut the enter internet up, where is he hanging out now with his £70 million pay off?


  76. 139
    Poxy Patten says:

    LOL….Billy vague is trying to use situation in Japan to save his damaged career


    • 148
      Tax Payer says:

      I would’ve thought the Japanese had plenty of well trained rescue teams aready? At least those based 2 miles+ from the shore.


      • 153
        streamfisher says:

        The biggest problem will be if one of the nuclear reactors goes critical, last I heard the coolant system had failed on one of them.


        • 157
          sockpuppet #4 says:

          If they had the sense to designed a reactor properly then they don’t go critical.

          If the coolant system fails, you’d think they’d have moderator rods or whatever to stop the nuclear reactions pretty quickly. Japanese people being more sensible than soviet ones.


          • streamfisher says:

            They have automatic systems shut down systems that kick in when a quake is detected above a certain level, but this was a biggy, they have got 5 nuclear power plants, 4 shut down ok, but one had mechanical system failure.


          • Laban says:

            Simple. Get a lot of self-sacrificing people to run into the reactor, drill holes into the core and insert boron rods. Japan should be able to find such people – or were the genes all removed from the pool 65 years ago?


      • 189
        Pig Sick says:

        That will teach them to fuck with the whales


  77. 144
    Time for a quiet puke.... says:

    More like it, Guido

    O/T is it time to bomb if there is a sniff of oil around? pity the poor bastards in other God forsaken countries


  78. 145
    AC1 says:



  79. 152
    genghiz the kahn says:

    He’s a *anker,
    He’s a *anker,
    and it does him good,
    as it bloodly well should,
    He’s a *anker.

    Does he have a B and anchor tie?


  80. 158
    Zeno says:

    This has nothing to do with the persons referred to in Guido’s story:

    and clearly is not true.


  81. 162
    Chris The Leatherman says:

    Well done John Hemming. We need the power of Parlianmentary Priveliege
    to expose these wretched super gagging orders. Maybe he could do Big Ears over


  82. 165
    Chris Shaw says:

    Would it be wrong if I were to identify him as being called Fred…?


  83. 174
    Albert Hall says:

    Slightly OT but has Brown visited Japan recently?


  84. 176

    Some suggestions to replace the asterisks:

    I cannot believe he is not a banker.
    The person who was knighted for services to banking whilst not being a banker.
    Bonking Crisis Executive.
    The Knight of the Bonking Crisis.
    One who makes deposits and withdrawls.
    Injunction without Compunction.
    Fred Fucking Goddamn Goodwin Banker Wanker.
    (Hope I have not overstepped the mark anywhere here.)


  85. 179
    Baron von Rippedoffbritain says:

    How on earth can you be in comtempt of court, if this blog is not even based in the UK?


  86. 180
    Tribal Tom and Just Sixteen says:

    So who was he shagging?


  87. 181
    Meowsy Mcdermott says:

    Careful you’re not held in contempt of cat!


  88. 182

    Confused. The Telegraph says “Olswang, (his) solicitors, also declined to comment”.

    However, in January 2010 the Lawyer reported:

    “Olswang partner Steven Baker to act for a group of Royal Bank of Scotland (RBS) shareholders in a legal action against the bank. It is understood that the bank as well as its former board of directors, including former chairman Sir Tom McKillop and chief executive Fred Goodwin, will be named as defendants in the misrepresentation claim.”

    Was the misrepresentation claim not pursued, leaving Olswang free to accept instruction from another client?


  89. 183
    the money shot says:

    whats a bankers pension called if your not a banker?


  90. 184
    Anonymous says:

    Find the lady please.
    I want to see what sort of lady those who can afford lots of law are shagging.


  91. 186
    the money shot says:

    two adults having sex—-hows it a story—is one accusing another of more serious conduct


  92. 190
    Laban says:

    I think there was an unrelated story in the Sun and the Mail, both now pulled from online.

    ” The banker, who is paid a substantial six figure sum, began the illicit affair before the credit crunch erupted and plunged the country into recession, The Sun reported.”


  93. 200
    Mrs Faye Merritt says:

    Surely you are not alleging that Fred Goodwin is a banker and a poof?


  94. 202
    Anonymous says:

    AH, proof that Fred the Bastard is also a grade 1 Hoon.

    What a fucking repulsive Hoon. Really.


  95. 208
    stop censorship says:

    Thank goodness that there are still sites like this one where people can fight against judicial censorship.


  96. 209
    hirondelle61 says:

    It was a very small deposit, but being a banker he left it in long enough to generate some interest.


  97. 210
    Cynic says:

    Bet all he talked about during sex was himself


  98. 211
    Cynic says:

    Was she completely fucked when he finished?


  99. 216
    Tony B says:

    “her” – phew for a moment I thought it was going to get out he was banging Gordon


  100. 219
    Jimmy Fox says:

    Shred the Marriage


  101. 93
    bankers are thieves says:



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