March 1st, 2011

House of Thieves

According the the Serjeant at Arms crime is becoming an issue on the Parliamentary estate. Writing to MPs and staffers she claims parliament can:

“provide rich pickings for opportunistic individuals who will take advantage of any lax office procedures.”

Who’da thunk it?

She even helpfully includes a poster to display around the offices:

“And in the mean time, if in doubt LOCK IT AWAY.”

Seems to be doing the trick with crooked Labour MPs.


  1. 1
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

    Just make Parliment a prison.

  2. 2
    Red Ed says:

    I’m not allowed to commit any funds, otherwise I’ll get into trouble with the Shadow Chancellor

  3. 3
    Parliamentary intern says:

    My mate had his scarf stolen.

  4. 4
    Commissioner of the Met says:

    Is that awful ginger bufoon still Sergeant at Arms ?

    The person who trashed centuries of Parliamenary Privilege and allowed the Police to search a Member’s Office and arrest him ?

    Shame on her and a system which allows such people to remin in office…

  5. 5
    Jack says:

    The Speakers’ Procession with “Ginger Pay” and Squeaker is enough to ridicule the House of Commons every day…

  6. 6
    Hello Hello Hello says:

    The Palace of westminster police? Westminster has its own Police force?

    All I can say is that they can’t be much cop.

  7. 7
    Steve Miliband says:

    You can falsely claim expenses to the tune of £000,s but think twice about stealing a bic biro

  8. 8
    Angry Taxpayer says:

    That the House of Commons is full of thieving Chavs is the result of d eliberate Labour policy to trash it

  9. 9
    Stepney says:

    Now the opportunities for fraud have been reduced the poor sods in the Palace need a new source of steady income.

    It’s been the same since department stores put CCTV in; anyone worth their salt goes and strips the lead of a church roof.

    If this attempt at reducing theivery succeeds then expect a few select committees to be sitting in the rain for a while..

  10. 10
    Bob the Builder (I've taken Squeaker's ladder away) says:

    Outbreak of thieving and venereal disease at the same time on the Parliamentary Estate

    Says it all…

    Do they steal each others French letters as well ?

  11. 11
    The Westminster Plod says:

    We employ nearly 500 staff, consisting of police officers, police staff security and fire officers.

  12. 12
    Fees Office Clerk says:


    They should take a look at what is still going on here…

  13. 13
    Are you taking the piss says:

    I suspect its to warn the mps to watch out for those untrustworthy office staff rather than them thieving bastards

    What a fucking joke

  14. 14

    Hague gives his SpAds scarves.

  15. 15
    rick says:

    When they’re not robbing the country, they are robbing each other.

  16. 16
    Steve Miliband says:

    Stealing goods from the Parliamentary Estate since May 2010; the only thing we can’t blame Gordon Brown for.

  17. 17
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

    They do say Parliment should reflect the rest of society……

  18. 18
  19. 19
    Bob the Builder (I've taken Squeaker's ladder away) says:


  20. 20
  21. 21
    Tacitus says:

    Well they all learned from a whole host of Tories that have seen in inside of their local nick – Jonathan Aitken, Jeffrey Archer, Peter Baker … the list goes on … and on .. and on … and on ….

  22. 22
    jgm2 says:

    So that’s what happened to Miss Jones from ‘Rising Damp’.

  23. 23
    A new day has dawned, has it not...? says:

    Yeah but didn’t Blair say his govt would be “whiter than white”?

    Aitken was a crook, Archer a fool. Never heard of Baker. What’s your point?

  24. 24
    Jack says:

    You missed this Guido

    The Chav MPs are throwing glasses of wine at each other

    Our friend Felicity parkes picjed this up

    “@eyespymp Wayne David MP just had glass of red thrown over him in Strangers. < Random as the boss and I were talking abt him tonight.

    Throwing pearls in front of pigs or

    Waste of good wine I would say

  25. 25
    John Rebus Fanclub says:

    My understanding of the situation is that overpromoted overfed oaf Jacqui Smith was responsible for the initiating the search and that overpromoted Pay should have told her to bugger off as the search was not legal and the polis should have known this themselves

  26. 26
    Anonymous Misogynist says:

    Who’d a thunk it?

    L ock it
    A way
    B efore
    I t goes
    A way

    Huhnes..! The lot of ‘em.

  27. 27
    Felicity Parkes says:

    @eyespymp Wayne David MP just had glass of red thrown over him in Strangers

  28. 28
    jgm2 says:

    And who ordered Jacqui Smith to initiate the search? Who would have been screaming into her face about the embarrassing leaks?

    Yep. Him again. The guy who couldn’t wait to issue the entire country with ID cards so that we could be subject to internal exile if we broke any of his cretinous laws.

  29. 29
    Wine bottle says:

    Wayne David MP

    Recently appointed Shadow Minister for Europe by Empty Ted

  30. 30
    Anonymous says:

    Attempted goosing ?

  31. 31
    Anonymous says:

    Why did Chris Myers return his scarf?

    Because it was too tight.

  32. 32
    jgm2 says:

    Oh great. Another fucking cleaning bill paid for by the tax-payer.

  33. 33
    I says:

    L ock
    I t
    A way
    B efore
    I t goes
    A way

    Not so funny now, eh? Eh?

  34. 34
    Backwoodsman says:

    tacitus doesn’t have a point, he’s a lefty troll who has started infesting various boards with his limp anti Tory whining.

  35. 35
    Rat's arse says:

    My God,what an ugly bint AND, to add insult to injury, an incompetent and totally inadequate Sergeant at Arms. How much do we pay her; does anybody know? How about a whip round so she can get a face lift?

  36. 36
    Number 10's Cat says:

    Somebody’s nicked Stella Greasy’s iPhone charger.

  37. 37
    I says:

    L ock
    I t
    A way
    B efore
    I t
    G oes
    A way

    Not so funny now, eh? Eh? Eh?

  38. 38
    digger says:

    Committing vast funds to endless pointless causes didn’t bother Balls when Labour were in power.

  39. 39
    John Prescott says:

    Did you see me on Top Gear last night? I were fookin great.

  40. 40
    Steve Miliband says:

    Bet Simpson was fuming when Bowen got the Gadaffi gig yesterday.

  41. 41
    Worthless Lib Dem Pledge says:

    We want a proper investigation to the 300 MPs who stole from the taxpayer to line their pockets with expenses. Why should we buy them a second house, they are not worth it.

    Clegg is going to clean up politics, just about the same time he is not going to increase tuition fees. He lies and is not to be trusted.

  42. 42
    Anonymous says:

    WTF does this mean and does anyone care?

  43. 43
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

    Sharia Law for Politicons, You know it makes sense!

  44. 44
    jgm2 says:

    No. Archer was a crook too. He initiated an action against a newspaper (Daily Star) that alleged he’d been hammering away with hookers and lied to get a verdict in his favour. He effectively robbed the newspaper just as Tommy Sheridan robbed the NoW.

    He could have let them print what they liked and just shrugged his shoulders and said that the case wasn’t worth the candle or the cost of fighting it or the risk of a perverse decision. As it is the judge in the libel case practically gave Archer a blow-job so keen was he to find in Archer’s favour.

  45. 45
    P. Doff says:

    That slapper you shagged in the HoC said you weren’t all that fookin great!

  46. 46
    John Simpson says:

    Yeah cosy chat with Gadaffi and 100 other journo’s. He can have it.

  47. 47
    jgm2 says:

    The description the judge (Mr Justice Caulfield) gave of Mrs Archer in his jury instructions included: “Remember Mary Archer in the witness-box. Your vision of her probably will never disappear. Has she elegance? Has she fragrance? Would she have, without the strain of this trial, radiance? How would she appeal? Has she had a happy married life? Has she been able to enjoy, rather than endure, her husband Jeffrey?” The judge then went on to say of Jeffrey Archer, “Is he in need of cold, unloving, rubber-insulated sex in a seedy hotel round about quarter to one on a Tuesday morning after an evening at the Caprice?

    Fucking hell. If that’s not interfering with a jury then I don’t know what is.

  48. 48
    Engineer says:

    By the law of averages, whichever is the majority party at any given time is likely to produce the greatest number of wrong ‘uns. From 1979 to 1997, that was the Tories, and they had a few bad eggs. From 1997 to 2010, Labour took over as the chief providers of bad eggs, so we can probably expect, after a bit of a pause for decency, normal service to be resumed with Coalition bad eggs. At all times, the minor parties and principal opposition are not precluded from bad eggery, but with the smaller pool to draw from, they tend to be less frequent.

  49. 49
    Jezza is Dave's neighbour says:

    Not very fast though John….you’re fookin’ last on the league table of “Stars” in the Reasonably Price Car League…….I will concede it was bloody lashin’ it down though on the track

  50. 50
    tolpuddle says:

    That list doesn’t go on… and on… and on as long as the list containing all those thieving Labour MP’s caught fiddling their expenses.

  51. 51
    P. Doff says:


  52. 52
    Bun says:

    As a visitor to HOC I was virtually strip searched
    and buggered before being allowed in.
    Easier to get stuff out presumably although
    some fat retired ministers now in the Lords can come and
    go at will.

  53. 53
    Jeremy Bowen says:

    Pompous, over rated git

  54. 54
    Chris Bryant says:

    Buggered you say?

  55. 55
    Westminster Plod says:

    Nadine Dorries has made a complaint about her good reputation going missing. A married man is assisting in our enquiries.

  56. 56
    P. Doff says:

    Probably needs her arse and tits lifting as well.

  57. 57
    Gordon Brown says:

    It wasnae me, I was no there

  58. 58
    Bun says:

    Should have added ‘fat retired ministers
    who drive a bit’

  59. 59
    Anonymous says:

    I’m looking forward to a nice BBC or C4 Dispatches investigation into all the links between Blair, Mandleson and Gaddafi…

  60. 60
    A tourist says:

    Some tall blond slag stole my ipad with googlemaps on it.

  61. 61
    streamfisher says:

    Liberty, liberty, what a fucking Liberty.

  62. 62
    Anonymous says:

    You were a fat twat who looked a right prat in that hat.

  63. 63
    ichabod says:

    No no, just throw a glass of white wine over him now—which as he’s a Labour MP should be hugely enjoyable.

  64. 64
    Westminster Plod says:

    We’ve also been contacted by a small chap who said he wasn’t happy, with a request to find his wife’s lost credibility.

  65. 65
    ichabod says:

    No no, just throw a glass of white wine over him now–which as he’s a Labour MP should be highly enjoyable.

  66. 66
    Second in Command says:

    And there was me thinking that Red Ed had won the Labour Leadership vote and that Bollock Ed had come in third. It’s time the real leader stamped his authority down.

  67. 67
    BBC says:

    Count us out

  68. 68
    Stan Butler says:

    Didn’t the UK opt out of the Charter of Fundamental Rights when Labour forced us into the Lisbon Treaty? If so, does this mean that the ruling today regarding women paying more for insurance does not apply to the UK?
    From Sky News.
    ‘The judges based their ruling on the Lisbon Treaty, which includes the Charter of Fundamental Rights, and aims “in all its activities, to eliminate inequalities and promote equality between men and women”.’

  69. 69
    Bun says:

    Scarfs, hats and umbrellas.
    Fair game. Whoosh, gone in a flash.
    Don’t think I’ve ever bought an umbrella

  70. 70
    Number 10's Cat says:

    Won’t make any difference. They can sign their expenses forms left handed and they’re stoned most of the time anyway.

  71. 71
    ???? says:

    Gaddafi actually thought he was being interviewed by Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen for an arab version of Changing Regimes

  72. 72
    Bun says:

    And his fragrant missus

  73. 73
    Ed Bollokov ( Son of Brown, Deficit-Admirer-in Chief ) says:

    Get the fucking tea and biscuits out on the table, NOW, Mili wonker !!

  74. 74
    Anonymous Misogynist says:

    Double touchy, eh, eh..!

  75. 75

    I understand Ms Pay is changing her name, by deed poll, to Ms Grant.

  76. 76

    Lick it away? They’re clearly cutting back on competent graphic designers. And Prescott: you came over like an over-the-hill and out-of-form prizefighter.

  77. 77
    Engineer says:

    Ms Emollument sounds so much more sophisticated.

  78. 78

    Crook is a good old fashioned English surname. I knew a motor dealer called that once. He sold many cars, despite his name.

  79. 79
    Usually correct says:

    They probably do part of the nicking.

  80. 80
    streamfisher says:

    I seem to recall that Gorbals and Butch got Damien Green locked away for 12 hours by Inspector Knacker of the Yard ( Under orders from the then home secretary Jaquie Smith) but not before the heavy brigade had rifled through his filing cabinets at the HOC, another take on lock-it away.

  81. 81

    Never read that full version before. Was he riffing on Peter Cook’s ‘Entirely a matter for you’ sketch?

  82. 82
    Anonymous says:

    Self serving interview with Smith in today’s Scotsman. Comments welcome.

  83. 83

    An opportunity for Sky News to expand its offering into what proper TV journalism should cover.

  84. 84
    Anonymous says:

    That judge was a fucking disgrace.

  85. 85
    Chubb & Co - Be Safe says:

    Oh the irony, we trust ‘em with the country and the bastards will nick anything not nailed down!

  86. 86
    Shepherds Poop & Krug says:

    Gotla geer

  87. 87
    Shepherds Poop & Krug says:

    Where exactly did Caulfield stick his nose then!

  88. 88
    Jeeves says:

    (Smith suspects her gender made her a particular target and sceptics need only look at YouTube comments on her election defeat to realise how sexually aggressive attacks on her are. The C word is used, of course. But she’s repeatedly described as a “whore”, a “bitch” and even her abilities in bed are questioned.)

    M O R O N


    excellent comment

  89. 89
    Jeeves says:

    “It was which one of us was stupid enough to put in that bloody claim.”

    A MP is responsible for all their expenses claims so it was the silly moos fault

  90. 90
    Jeeves says:


  91. 91
    Jeeves says:

    Weren’t there rumours at the time she wanted one of her sons to take the fall? No greater love had no woman than she be prepared to throw her son under a bus to save her careeer!

  92. 92

    Good point. However, with the Equalities Act 2010 locking gradually in to place, it may be those principles were recognized in UK legislation.

    Protocol 7, Article 2

    To the extent that a provision of the Charter refers to national laws and practices, it shall only apply to Poland or the United Kingdom to the extent that the rights or principles that it contains are recognised in the law or practices of Poland or of the United Kingdom.

    —Reform Treaty – Protocol (No 7)

  93. 93
    Wincingly Deceitful says:

    The great problem of course with our system of rotating dictatorship.

    Once they are all up there in that grand ‘gentleman’s club’ it’s all mates together and the same old tripe.

    We have been and always will be conned.

  94. 94

    Hard to believe this point was missed in pleadings; it’s certainly a bit late to make it now that the possible course of appeals has reached its end.

    Time for another test case (and another round of shadowboxing all the way to Luxembourg). M’learned friends are waiting for your call…

  95. 95
    Doc Trough says:

    “I am, Mr Speaker, a little bit whooar. A little bit whee. I am a Member of this house. I will, in short, nick anyfink.”

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