The Cellar
House of Commons
London
SW1 0AA

Mr Paul Dacre,
Editor the Daily Mail

Dear Mr Dacre,

I would like to apply for a job as one of your columnists. As you will see below your current columnist Andrew Pierce has deemed my work worthy of your hallowed pages, he will no doubt be happy to provide a reference.

In the last few weeks Mr Pierce has found my website a wonderful resource for his columns:

Since the beginning of October Mr Pierce has seen fit to lift an entire story concerning William Hague’s former Special Advisor Christopher Myers, he didn’t even try to find a new angle on it. Two days later my story concerning the Tories putting a press officer on Newsnight was lifted almost word for word. And just this morning exactly the same happened with my exclusive concerning Steve Hilton and Rageh Omar.

Given Mr Pierce appears to simply lift my copy and scoops without any payment, perhaps you should simply cut out the middle man and get your stories from the source? You may be unaware that Mr Pierce has a magpie-like long track record of cutting and pasting the most sparkling stories that would shame those avian thieves, as indeed Private Eye reported several years ago. Despite this Pierce continues to deny he is even a reader of my “ugly and boorish” website. You will no doubt agree the evidence suggests otherwise.

Looking forward to hearing from you.

Yours in middle class solidarity,

Guido Fawkes Esq.

The Lords Committee for Privileges ruling on the case of Lady Uddin…

“We recommend that the House sanction Lady Uddin by requiring her to make a personal statement of apology to the House and thereafter suspending her from the service of the House for three years or until she has repaid the sum of £125,349.10 wrongly claimed, whichever is the later. Her apology must be unconditional, and agreed in advance with the Chairman of the Sub-Committee, to be sufficient. We consider that the suspension should be renewed in the next Parliament if Lady Uddin has not repaid the money by the end of the current Parliament, but that can only be a matter for the next Parliament.”

The Sunday Times would have made uncomfortable reading for pervy LibDem MP Mike Hancock. Having triggered an investigation by Hampshire Police  Hancock’s alleged victim, a mentally ill constituent, has apparently seen a deterioration in her condition since the alleged assault. On Friday Guido exclusively regaled some of the text messages that Hancock has admitted sending the woman to “cheer her up”. During the election when Hancock was seeking an injunction about other allegations that an election opponent had printed in a leaflet he signed an affidavit saying:

‘I am a good family man and these allegations about me having numerous extra-marital affairs are completely untrue and Mr. Cummings knows that.’

How does begging another woman with messages like “please give me a chance princess” weigh up with the who “good family man” thing?

Should perjury be added to the long list of allegations concerning “Handy-cock”?

Last Friday’s caption contest proved, once again, that the comment section is overrun scatological window-lickers, but there were one or two gems. The winner of Dennis Kavanagh and Philip Cowley’s comprehensive “The British General Election 2010″ is Sir  William Waad for:

“Gordon refused to do the housework, claiming that he had abolished broom and dust.”

Arise and email your address to Guido please Sir William…

It was Henry Kissinger who said student politics is vicious because the stakes are so low, that logic applies to think-tanks. Over at the Bow Group the mother of all squabbles is raging and Michael Howard, one time chairman of think-tank back in 1970, has been called in to settle their increasingly vicious internal battle.

Rival factions in next month’s internal elections are briefing against each other as to whether the candidate for chairman, Brian Cattell, is eligible to stand. His opponent Craig Rimmer says that Cattell is over the Bow Group’s age limit of 36. The current Chairman, Annesley “Action” Abercorn seems to have upset pretty much everyone with his efforts to scrap the age limit to allow Cattell to stand. Abercorn denies he is backing Cattell but repeatedly referred to “the other side” when referring to Rimmer on the phone to Guido earlier.

Kwasi Kwarteng MP, a long time Bow Group figure, sent furious emails to other members describing “Annesley’s latest piece of madness … the worst type of student politics”. Opponents of the move include the MPs Sam Gyimah, Andrew Jones, Peter Lilley and Chris Skidmore. One rather bitchy new member said the change risked turning the Bow Group into a “failed candidates’ association” with chairmanship of the Bow Group seen merely as a way to revive flagging parliamentary ambitions. Abercorn, and his bus, gave a spirited fight in LibDem seat Hazelgrove at the election and Cattell stood in Leeds in 2005.

In August Abercorn chose a poorly attended meeting of the Bow Group Council in Brent to call an Emergency General Meeting to discuss raising the age limit to allow three members of the Council to be older than 36. Fewer than thirty people turned up to the meeting and it was declared inquorate. Abercorn then declared the EGM postponed and at another meeting a few weeks later, the motion was passed, clearing the way for Cattell to stand. Guido asked to see the minutes but apparently it was “private”. The whole drama spilled out onto Facebook at the weekend with both factions seizing the Bow Group account to get their version of events across to the membership. The world waits with baited breath for Michael Howard’s adjudication at a meeting scheduled for tomorrow…