May 21st, 2010

IPSA Bureaucracy Control Made Easy

There is a lot of grumbling around parliament about the new expenses regime and the IPSA bureaucracy established to implement the new system.  Some of it is unjustified, some of it is justified.

In Disinfecting Parliament, a report published last year, the Sunlight Centre recommended a number of measures based on best practice in the private sector. Foremost among the recommendations made was that MPs should be issued with a House of Commons debit card to be used for their legitimate expenses. Simples.

The transactions would as normal be electronically recorded automatically and could thus be published online automatically, the spending limits would be automatic and bureaucracy would be minimal. Instead for every transaction we now have invoices being received, authorised, paid by MPs, sent to IPSA where invoices are then re-checked, approved and reimbursed by IPSA with lots of manpower required. Crazy and expensive.


  1. 1

    Sounds reasonable, i’m sure someone will find some part of this idea to complain about.

  2. 2
    English Heretic says:

    Crazy and expensive – yes that means more jobs for the boys at IPSA.

    New Quango, same old gravy train.

  3. 3
    Labour Backbencher says:

    Don’t be so fucking stupid. They won’t take that at Oddbins.

  4. 4
    Lady Mangledbum says:

    Yeah but how do you pay a false invoice with a debit card?

    Be reasonable, our thieving troughers have to be cut some slack!

  5. 5
    Lord Mandelslime says:

    I once tried to buy a Maserati using the EU Commissioners debit card but it was too expensive. Life is so hard for the public servants.

  6. 6
    Penfold says:

    And of course with an account card the amount can be automatically deducted from salary, which cuts back bureacracy.

    Anyway why have the scum still got expenses, the rest of the country lives of its earnings.

  7. 7
    Brilliant Idea Guido says:

    Typical politicians: take an easy to solve problem and make it as fucking complicated as possible.

  8. 8
    English John says:

    Accomodation wise, tents could be erected close to the House of Commons. Cheap, quite clean, and it would give the honouable members a taste of what the troops are going through. To make it more realistic, let the local taliban let off a few of their home meade fireworks close by.

  9. 9
    Gerry mander says:

    Why are the fuckers moaning, all that cack about being raped or stabbed on the bus home ffs. If they didn’t have such long undeserved fucking holidays they could get all that they needed done 9 to 5 and then join the rest of us for the crush home. Fuck giving them a debit card, food stamps and argos vouchers is more their level.

  10. 10
    gone fuckin mental says:

    Just hang the fuckers now

  11. 11
    Larry Llewellyn Boner says:

    I don’t like the design of the card.

  12. 12
    unhappy ending says:

    The prospect of their transactions in a local massage parlour to relieve stress appearing immediately online didn’t really appeal then? Not surprising really.

  13. 13
    Tim says:

    Absolutely agree.

    Consider how the 13 steps involved in the purchasing of a single biro for a member of staff under the new IPSA system. Cost to taxpayer – 26p.

    1. Employee asks MP for permission to buy biro
    2. MP emails IPSA to check that s/he is entitled to claim for biro under IPSA rules
    3. IPSA approves purchase of biro in writing
    4. MP advises employee that they can purchase biro
    5. Employee submits request for biro to central stationary supplier
    6. Central stationary supplier dispatches biro
    7. Central stationary supplier invoices MP for biro
    8. MP pays invoice by cheque
    9. MP submits claims online for cost of biro
    10. MP submits supporting evidence (invoice etc) by post to IPSA for biro (by 1st class post – cost to taxpayer 41p)
    11. Claim for biro is scrutinised by IPSA
    12. IPSA approves claim for biro and arranges for payment to MP
    13. 26p for biro is sent to MP’s personal bank account

  14. 14
    Greychatter says:

    Unfortunately that method sounds too simple for the Whitehall and Westminster villagers.

    Most of us simple folk understand, but a method like that is probably not complicated enough for the educated elite who spend our money and wouldn’t generate many jobs.

  15. 15
    martin cock says:

    argos vouchers? you off your head. vouchers for the local car boot will surfice. And they should be made to live with a rapist.

  16. 16
    Charles Flaccidwidger says:

    O/T Don’t bother with the main article but the comments are fantastic!

  17. 17
    Smig says:

    The MuPtards don’t earn. They’d have to do some work first.

  18. 18
    Backwoodsman says:

    Be fair, the pols just rubber stamped it, our civil service jobsworths designed the thing !
    Gold plating EU regulations by our civil service, is one of the biggest wastes of money out there. Hundreds of millions of pounds could be saved every year if the govt got to grips with this waste !

  19. 19
    Sir William Waad says:

    At least MPs have at last moved into the 20th century with their expense claims, although it is still only about 1950 in their terms.

    I would still prefer to give them a large pay rise and make MPs pay for their own expenses. There would be a sliding scale so that those who had to travel long distances to Westminster would receive more. They would then be able to claim tax relief on their expenses on the same basis as everybody else, with no special carve-outs.

    Even simpler. No need to set up anything new becuase the Revenue are already their to police such claims.

  20. 20
    alan bread says:

    They could have biros on string around the commons and one tied to their desk, so no need for them to buy one. Should they want one to take home and show to their friends FUCKING PAY FOR IT THEMSELVES.

  21. 21
    Liar Byrne says:

    Excellent idea !!

    One small problem – there’s no money left. Good luck !!

  22. 22
    JohnRS says:

    Why bother setting up this internal, overstaffed, expensive, inefficient quango?

    I’d wager that all FTSE100 companies have an online expsenses sytem plus corporate credit card already in place. Get the House of Conmen to just contract the whole thing out to any one of them at an admin cost of £x per head. Set the 650 troughers up as pseudo employees with the appropriate spending limits and piggy back on a real world, cost efficient, auditable process. All expenses entries to be visible within a week on t’internet.

    Save millions (literally).

  23. 23
    Thick as Thieves says:

    Merkel calls Cameron “Ignorant Prick”; David calls Merkel “Hoon”

    Prepare for World War 3

  24. 24
    Anonymous says:

    Would I be justified in believing that the “grumbling around Parliament about the new expenses regime” indicates that mp’s are more concerned with how much they can make out of the job rather than fulfilling their duties to their constituents?

  25. 25
    IPSA PISA says:

    Listening to Daily Politics it seems that IPSA is a massive financial burden 80 staff and many paid more than the MPs.

    Probably costs many times over the Duck house and moat cleaning expenses they are supposed to prevent

  26. 26
    MI5 says:

    BTW Guido

    Even though Diane is a (another) prize nutter

    We MUST support Blinky

    Even in fighting the leadership campaign, which is going to go on for months, he will create such havoc in the Labour Party that they will have difficulty recovering

    Diane is loony but far too nice…(for our purposes) !

  27. 27
    The EU is A Racist And Corrupt Organisation Stuffed Full of Racist Communists says:

    But if they got to grips with that waste and cut down on EU bullshit then they wouldn’t be offered any unelected jobs by the EU when they get kicked out on their arses by the British electorate.
    The EU is just an inurance policy for failed politicians.

  28. 28
    Bob the Builder says:

    Easiest way to save Parliamentary money

    Abolish the House of Ermin Vermin NOW..

    And then think about its replacement (if necessary at all ?)

  29. 29
    Ellie Gellard's Crack says:

    Vote Ed, he ‘gets it’. Gets it good and rough off Ian I hear.

  30. 30
    We Will never surrender says:

    It was really heartening to hear Dave not giving one inch to the Germans and at the sane time saddening that Blair and Brown had rolled over. What could have been.

  31. 31
    Smig says:

    What? Politicians telling the truth?

    Or have you had a shandy after finishing your GCSE Maths today tWat?

  32. 32
    12 year old lefty girl in grown up world says:

    Yeah but no, but yeah but no he must be doing something right as the right wing press have it in for hiom

  33. 33
    Another TaT Fan, eh? Your Subs better be up to date or your skull will be caved in says:

    thick as thieves, not Thick as Thieves.
    You ignorant prick.

  34. 34
    Billy Hague says:

    If I drink a ton of gatorade today before drinking a ton of alcohol tonight, will I be hung over tomorrow? Discuss.

  35. 35
    Cato Street Conspirator says:

    I’ll certainly be applying for the job IPSA are advertising for a Communications Director
    Communications Director

    ‘As Communications Director, you will lead the strategic engagement of a broad range of external stakeholders including MPs, Whitehall departments, the media and, most crucially, the public. As a key member of our new leadership team, you will have the opportunity to help shape the organisation and contribute to IPSA’s work in restoring public confidence in the way MPs are funded.’

    Of course, it’s not the £85,000 a year I’m after. I’m just passionate about whatever it is.

  36. 36
    MI5 says:

    There should also be a review of all these Parlimentary “passes” Gudio

    If thugs like Whelan get one (and the bloody lobbyists, and the Lobby which did nothing to uncover Nu Llabours’ 13 years of fraud, theft, smearing etc), they MUST be abolished as well…

    Passes should only be given to MPs and their staff…

    End of story…

  37. 37
    Chinyelu "Chi" Onwurah says:

    Work? You mean I can’t play Bingo all day?

  38. 38
    Tulkinghorn says:

    Tents are too expensive. Pit-dwellings. That’s what’s wanted. Dig a hole about 15 feet deep and 10 feet square and line it with bracken. At night fill it with about 6 MPs. Each one generates a heat equivalent of 1 kWh, so it quickly gets up to about 70F inside. (Or 1 normal MP and Eric Pickles.) Cover the top with a lattice of sticks and you’re done.

    What was good enough for our Stone Age ancestors is good enough for them. System worked in northern climes for about 100,000 years.

    Net cost: 1 JCB + driver for 1 day, say £350.

  39. 39
    Hazel Blears,licensed tealeaf hawks a big green yocker and spits in faces of salford dickheads says:

    green is irish .i want orange like the confuckation we have now.

  40. 40
  41. 41
    Cato Street Conspirator says:

    When I worked briefly in a labour exchange many years ago the system was a bit like that. When the ink in your biro ran out you had to find the stores officer (who doubled as the disablement resettlement officer) to get a new one. He – if he was in that day – would take you to the stores, which he would unlock, and you had to hand him your used biro before he handed you a new one, which you signed for. Meanwhile, unemployment mounted…

  42. 42
    Smig says:

    Turn it into the Crystal Maze.

    Ermine zone – shoot Stoat with a paintball gun.

    Commons Zone – throw rotten veg at troughing piggies.

    Central Lobby Zone – polish Winston’s foot.

  43. 43
    IPSA Communications Director salery £85,000 exc. expenses says:

    Because we are worth it.

  44. 44
    Richard Timney says:

    Some do

  45. 45
    Hazel Blears,licensed tealeaf hawks a big green yocker and spits in faces of salford dickheads says:

    the Hunts are trying to hide the detail for future robbing

  46. 46
    IPSA Communications Director salary £85,000 exc. expenses says:

    * Salary, Don’t type while chatting on the phone.

  47. 47
    its a bastard being an mp and trying to fiddle with them twats on fawkes watching says:

    have some thought for little cheating bastards like me

  48. 48

    This seems to be suggesting “easy, cheap, effective” is a sought after thing in government. The reality is that these three words are an anathema to a civil service bureaucracy whose power, influence, staffing and budgets fluctuates in direct proportion to the size of the Mongolian cluster they are buried up to the makers’ nameplate in at any particular time.

  49. 49
    IPSA Human Resources Manager salary £46-52,750 exc. expenses says:

    I’m worth it too.

    Key Functions
    • Formulate and implement the HR Strategy and practice within IPSA to support the organisations overall strategic aims;
    • Identify and develop both operational and strategic HR functions to identify key priorities;
    • Provide expert professional HR advice and support to managers and staff on all aspects of People Management;
    • Keep up to date with employment legislation and develop policies and processes to reflect this;
    • Manage all disciplinary and grievance investigations;
    • Take the lead role in all resourcing, reward, employee relations and L&D functions;
    • Develop and lead on all employment policies and procedures, terms and conditions, absence management and performance management;
    • Manage the Trade Union relationships;
    • Lead the organisation in developing awareness of Health and Safety legislation;
    • Take the lead role in developing policies and practices that show IPSA as an employer of choice, paying particular attention to equality and diversity.

  50. 50
    its a bastard being an mp and trying to fiddle with them twats on fawkes watching says:

    you talking to me

  51. 51
    Gonk says:

    Just to make absolutely sure
    the biros don’t go astray I could attach them
    with my very powerful made in 1957 solid steel
    heavy duty stapler. Guaranteed to go through
    the thickest corduroy.

  52. 52
    Tim says:

    But there is no centrally supplied stationary at the House of Commons, so where do you expect the pen you mention to come from?

    I know you might expect MPs and their staff to write with imaginary everlasting biros on strings but they don’t actually exist.

  53. 53
    Death says:

    Any of them rob us again are going on my list

  54. 54
    Death says:

    why can’t they live in wormwood scrubs

  55. 55

    I say Fawkes you cad, return that troughing card to me at once do you hear?

  56. 56
    Sussex Saltmarsh says:

    Not bad, considering they are from readers of the Daily Grunt – still, nothing to match the suggestion that MPs ‘should be made to live with a rapist’ earlier in this thread.

  57. 57
    Gideon says:

    Hi tat, what does it feel like now that I’m finally Chancellor and not wanking through your letterbox anymore?

  58. 58
    Archer Karcher says:

    I want “special needs” Ed, the younger, to get the gig. Go with thick Ed, you know it makes sense! Balls to blinky, get the real thick Ed instead.

  59. 59
  60. 60
    Gonk says:

    In a few weeks life will be simpler.
    Communications Director wanted.
    Ability to use megaphone desirable.
    Probably best if comfortable in cardigans.
    Must be pipe smoker.

  61. 61
    Nelson's Eye says:

    Plus 25% on costs to salary!

  62. 62

    I see the idea is very popular according to the comment section ha ha ha.

  63. 63
    Nelson's Eye says:

    Only in Britain could you find system to control waste & fiddling that was more expensive than the fiddling & waste. The Civil Service is not “fit for purpose”

  64. 64

    ‘tents could be erected close to the House of Commons’

    There already are, Parliament Square is full of unemployable stinking wankers.

    Let the MP’s pitch up next to that bunch of unhygienic c*nts.

  65. 65
    mashed swede says:

    This clown shouldn’t be let anywhere near anybody elses’ money again.

  66. 66
    Alki Ali says:

    Don’t ask me.

  67. 67
    South of the M4 says:

    It has always appeared strange to me that the public sector say they have to provide large salaries to attract the best talent from the private sector – and then contrive to ensure that only an existing public service employee lands the job. Very few private sector talents head the public way – and even fewer public service bods head in the other direction.

  68. 68
    Yorkie Barred says:

    When my MP needs a room to hold a local ‘constituency surgery’, he rents one from the Local Authority (school, village hall etc).
    They then send him a bill.
    He pays the bill.
    He reclaims the cost on his expenses (quite legitimate).
    He gets paid back.
    It’s often less than £10.

    This is all f*ckin government money, for Christ’s sake, just going round in a circle ! What are they pratting about at ?

    A simple rule that all MPs get free room-hire for official surgeries in Local Authority premises, and the whole shebang goes away. It’s that sort of utterly pointless procedure and gross inefficiency which needs to be eradicated by the alleged ‘coalition’.

    Not much chance of that though.

  69. 69
    South of the M4 says:

    Brown described as an ex Chancellor! No mention of any other position he may have had then.

  70. 70
    Charles Flaccidwidger says:

    I see that fat bag of shit Prescott is to host Have I Got News For You. It’ll be like the good old days of bear baiting……

  71. 71
    Senator says:

    Is she just taking the piss? Surely her article is sarcastic – I hope

  72. 72
    Anonymous says:

    It was a similar system for staff biros when I worked in a JobCentre. Consequently, I would use the logo-ed biros freely provided for the New Deal customers (nobody ever used the Argos/bookies-type minibiros that were too short to be used as a weapon, or a writing implement for that matter). I don’t think my actions prevented a single job application or Great British Novel being written.

  73. 73
    Thuggie Whelan says:

    Hallo Mandy

    I heared you have been defrocked by Mad Hattie !!

    What a comedown you old slimeball…!!

    I will call you “no trousers” now…

  74. 74
    Yorkie Barred says:

    Even simpler and more representative.

    Just give each MP £4 a year for each person who voted in that constituency the previous election.

    From that (average £150-200,000), they have to pay for everything, absolutely everything – they choose what to buy and how much to pay for it, how to travel, where to stay, who to employ etc. No rules, no supervision, no IPSA. Duck house or secretary – the MP decides.

    As well as requiring no on-going administration (the vote count is already in the public domain), this would also give the MP a strong incentive to increase the local turnout and thus improve representation and participation (as a by-product of increasing his own ‘take’).

    Takes a genius to think so simply.

  75. 75
    Ivor Tapeworm says:

    HR manager? As if the House of Commons doesn’t employ people already.

    So ALL of these functions are already performed by someone else in the HoC. Pobably equally overpaid.

  76. 76
    Infanta of Castile says:

    I had some sympathy with the scottish MP complaining of the ridiculous overkill on expenses but then I reflected on how he and his ilk have made life increasingly burdensome for the rest of us over the past 20 years, to a point where many skilled people prefer early retirement on a reduced pension to continuing in an over-regulated environment. Government has been keen to seize on any excuse to impose disproportionate control on business (banking excepted), voluntary sector and professionals. This has sounded superficially reasonable and has pandered to a constituency of ‘someone has to pay for what has gone wrong in my life’ types. However, no thought has been given to the ultimate costs of such policy which can only be afforded by an extremely wealthy society: overwhelming bureaucracy; risk aversion curtailing innovation; everyone obsessed with covering their backs rather than providing an efficient and affordable service; talented people moving abroad etc. etc.

    They are now getting a small taste of their own medicine. I would like to think it would make realise how others feel but I am not optimistic.

  77. 77
    Winston says:



  78. 78
    Yorkie Barred says:

    Talking of pipes…..

    When is the new coalition going to repeal the Smoking Ban on the grounds that it is unnecessary nanny inteference in people’s lives ? That was their definition, so let’s see the action.

  79. 79
    I got worms. says:

    I like the pigeon English chap who makes the 1st comment.

    Stooges, just cant get good British ones any more.

  80. 80
    sockpuppet #4 says:

    Nelson’s bad eye?

    “Only in Britain” my arse.

  81. 81
    Joe Public says:

    Can’t they just nick one from Argos?

  82. 82
    Anonymous says:

    One little problem, is the house of Commons bank PLC good for the money, I think we should be told.

  83. 83
    Official statement from Top Boy says:

    Ah yes, a Chancellor with no cash.
    But at least you aren’t wanking through my letterbox.
    Now I can get to the corner shop and buy my lucozade and mars bars without fear of you splashing your nasty tory jizz all over my face.

  84. 84
    Dack Blog says:

    I had one in my (easier and better paid) private sector job. Though it backfired when I was channel-hopping on a hotel stay and got a slow handclap on my monthly visit to ‘accounts’ as they thought I’d watched six soft porn films in one evening.

  85. 85
    Bigot says:

    “Crazy and expensive” – yup – that’s ParlaMint alright.

  86. 86
    No more Duck Houses,Moats,Porn or Twix Bars in this Parliament..any moans..there's the door ..use it says:

    Some things are just TOO simple for our MPs to grasp:-

    1. A electronic credit/debit card for their use is an obvious system. It can be electronically audited and if found to being abused …a seconds action on the computer to block that members card…Bank’s(oops sorry dirty word) do it all the time

    2. As to accomodation in London.It makes sense for accomodation to be secured in a tower block or some such and each MP allocated a bedsit similar to student halls of residence.If they do not wish to avail themselves of the facilities they pay for any other accomodation out of their own pockets…no allowances.This has been suggested for at least the last 10 years but MPs seem to think that they are a cut above the average citizen..they aren’t..they are merely temporary employees of the public

    3. As for meals they get a highly subsidised tariff in the various eating and drinking establishments within the Palace of Westminster and a similar system used in many universities,public institutions and large organisations can be used quite quickly and easily…they receive a “Smart Card” pre-loaded automatically each week with the daily subsidy allowance which they use to purchase refreshments.Any dining out in smart restaurants can come out of their own pockets.

    Finally…if any MP doesn’t like the above..they have an option..don’t stand as a MP.

    Given the whining about IPSA it seems that some in Parliament still haven’t realised that post the last Parliament things have changed and no longer will the public put up with MPs living the “high life” on the public purse

  87. 87
    Jackson Bollock says:

    Gordon Brown never wiped his arse properly

  88. 88
    Mrs Miggins says:

    Parliament couldn’t function under ‘best practice’. The lazy sods would have to start working for a living instaed of scoffing all my pies…

  89. 89

    ‘nobody ever used the Argos/bookies-type minibiros that were too short to be used as a weapon’

    So THAT’S why they’re so small.

  90. 90
    50 Calibre says:

    The Green Card is just too simple for your average MP. Too simple to fiddle!

  91. 91
    Richard from Redditch says:

    You should try putting then on your wifes expenses!! The 4skins of hell were unleashed on me

  92. 92
    Grumpy Old Man says:

    Merco. “We have lots of common ground”= “we hate each other with a passion”.

    Dave “start of a very strong and positive relationship based on results”.= “Stop faffing about and sort out the Euromark you dozy frump”

  93. 93
    Gordon McNutter Brown says:

    As PM today I am announcing a new committee to oversee the implementation of the members’ debit card idea, which will save 0.004 billions pounds, that is my eye-ron cast guarantee to the people.

    I will later be chairing my new cabinet in this special office I have been given. Sarah has already tweeted about how lovely and softly padded the walls are.

    And this evening I will be talking on the phone to President Omaha (who I support almost as much as my favourite football team) to solve the current market problems and return the world to prosperity in the face of Tory cuts, because that is the right thing to do.

  94. 94
    Grumpy Old Man says:

    Have you tried already?

  95. 95

    Just one Cornetto.

    The Labour leader
    i want to be
    i need a moustache
    that’s ‘Hitlery’

    The public
    don’t share my dream
    who the fuck are you?
    “it’s Balls” i scream.

  96. 96
    One tiny flaw says:

    A debit or credit card statement doesnt show what was bought, just where when and how much was spent. To ensure the dirty thieving bastard scumfuck hon. Members were not up to their usual tricks, receipts would still need to be submitted. They would also need cross matched with the card statements. You’d be adding even more bureaucracy.

  97. 97
    50 Calibre says:

    As soon as you hire any of those HR tossers, you’re on the slippery slope.

    There is only really a need for about 100 MPs for England. So dump all the Scots, Ulster and Welsh MPs on their respective Parliaments, Assemblies, or whatever they are called, and rename Westminster the English Parliament. Then sack all the HR tarts and kill all the fucking lawyers. Brussels does all the real law-making these days anyway.

    Just think of the savings…

  98. 98
    Grumpy Old Man says:

    MP’s have lived on things that don’t actually exist, like mortgages and second homes in relatives property, for ages. why should it be any different with biros?

  99. 99
    Rip Van Winkle says:

    Nah, that would be good. The whole world can then really see what a pile of shite the ‘man’ is.

  100. 100
    anon, anon, anon..... says:

    some will soon

  101. 101
    The Speaker's dog says:

    Absolutely not! How dare you traduce the unsullied names of our dedicated and hard-working MP’s! Go and wash out your mouth with soap and water!

  102. 102
    The Speaker's dog says:

    The job of the Civil Service is to increase staffing by the rate of inflation as applied to the level of unemployment. The CS is therefore undeniably fit for purpose.

  103. 103
    The Speaker's dog says:

    Ultruism is rarely a core value of an MP.

  104. 104
    Grumpy Old Man says:

    It’s probably a subsidiary of some bank in Iceland or Greece.

  105. 105
    Wing Co. says:

    What could have been was those pair of tossers dragging us into the euro! I shudder at the thought. Its a shame we can’t get a refund on the EU over payment Thatcher fought so hard to get back but so quickly given away by Nu Lab along with piss poor border controls and a referendum promised by Blair in 2005. I still think Germany should have told the rest of Eroupe to f*ck off on Greek bail out, who next Spain, Portugal, Poland etc

  106. 106
    One tiny flaw says:

    Ps, any organisation i’ve worked in, public and private, that issued ‘expenses cards’ still expected receipts for every purchase, without fail. If you didn’t produce them the minimum you could expect was the money deducted from salary and a good bollocking.

    The point of the cards was to prevent staff being out of pocket by having to wait for rembursement, not reducing paper work. But of course other systems probably exist that i’m unaware of.

  107. 107
    Grumpy Old Man says:

    Good business practice. The card is there to protect the employee’s cash flow. Receipts still have to be presented to justify the espense. No receipt – no remuneration.

  108. 108
    One tiny flaw says:

    Agreed. Said something similar as a follow up post (though much less succinctly than you sir) but my post has been modded. Cant see how an expenses card would cut any paperwork. It would just make life easier for MPs (and that would be a real shame)

  109. 109
    Hugh Janus says:

    So with his clear wish to undertake charity work (which strangely only made its first appearance late in the election campaign) presumably he won’t want paying for this work.

    He knows all about poverty of course, having created over 13 years the perfect conditions for it to appear here very shortly, and in some considerable style.

    At least I now revel every day in the absence of McBust, Mandelslime, Blinky, Mrs Blinky et al not stuffing their faces down our TVs every 5 minutes. Pure and utter bliss.

  110. 110
    Hugh Janus says:

    This I must see. Could they get Clarkson on as a guest as well? A fight would be the least we could expect.

  111. 111
    R Timney Esq says:

    I tried that once, but it didn’t seem to go down at all well.

  112. 112
    Postlethwaite says:

    I seem to be missing something. Currently for every transaction *I* make I have to provide the invoices for approval to my company; to my client; and to the inland revenue, with appropriate justification.

    These invoices being received, authorised, or NOT, by said bodies, when at least two months after incurring the legitimate expense it is finally grudingly reimbursed. Then i pay tax on many of these expenses as they are apparently a benefit in kind.

    So in short get checked by the Inland Revenue rather than a bunch of your chums, and buzz off with your whinging and whinning Yawns, go find someone who cares.

    Embezzeling MPs – just scum.


  113. 113
    Ellie Gellard's Crack says:

    biros on string all round!

  114. 114
    hobnail booted capitalist says:

    or a bookies, or better still steal the stationary when they are staying at a hotel on holiday, they’d be good at that, they like stealing

  115. 115
    Brian Fudge says:

    Crystal Meth factory more like…nice

  116. 116
    martin cock says:

    Should it be a convicted rapist? Or just anyone on the sex register thing? Or a Catholic priest, we need clarity. It’s a good idea they’d be less worried about taking the last bus home if they had to deal with a psycho when they got there. they might even learn to enjoy some banter with people on the bus, though that can get a bit out of hand if they’ve been drinking and are tooled up, so you’d still have to be sensible. I’m glad Sussex Saltmine to have you on board. Another vote for reason.

  117. 117
    camp bell says:

    It looks a little like a video club membership card

  118. 118
    Wing Co. says:

    Or nick some free pens from the local Argos

  119. 119
    Phil Free says:


    Spot on


  120. 120
    Peter Tango Hain says:

    You’ve been Quangoed

  121. 121
    Wing Co. says:

    Yes then they use that old chestnut about their pensions and retirement age being so good because they have less opportunities to earn big salaries in the public sector during their careers? So NHS bosses salaries have gone 110% under nu lab despite killing everyone with cdiff or neglect ref Stafford Hospital. The public gravy train is about be derailed me thinks! No more sh*t make believe jobs like CS officers walking around with a finger up their bottom, Hips people telling you how many front doors you have or if Santa can get down the chimney or Traffic officers closing the motorway every time some one has a puncture and can’t be bothered to change their wheel despite the fact its now part of the driving test. Real jobs for Real people please.

  122. 122
    I've had no laughs since McMental bogged off says:

    Pay ‘em in Co-op milk tokens! Bastards the lot of ‘em!

  123. 123
    Ian E says:

    Instead for every transaction we now have invoices being received, authorised, paid by MPs, sent to IPSA where invoices are then re-checked, approved and reimbursed by IPSA with lots of manpower required. Crazy and expensive.

    No, no – this is known as government-led job-creation.

  124. 124
    Disco Biscuit says:

    I’m afraid a lot of the “whinging” about IPSA is justified, Paul. Looks like they’re going to screw up paying everyone’s salaries at the end of the month.

    That’s the secretaries and researchers, by the way, not the MP’s. The ones that do the work around here.

  125. 125
    The Mantle Piece says:

    A system deliberately designed to fail & when it does we’ll (they’ll) ‘find’ the old system was much better

  126. 126
    alan bread says:

    i’m interested but no fuckers going to make me take a pay cut

  127. 127
    Duncan says:

    Guido – I really think you should have replied to that ‘Invitation to Join the Government of Great Britain’ you received a while back; you seem to have some pretty good ideas for how to improve the status quo.

  128. 128
    One tiny flaw says:

    Why has my 2nd post on this topic vanished, Guido? It was being moderated but now it has gone. No dissent allowed?

  129. 129
    him says:


  130. 130
    Yorkie Barred says:

    Somehow can’t imagine R Timney Esq ‘going down’ too well at all. Man deserves a medal if he ever did.

  131. 131
    Sussex Saltmarsh says:

    Maybe the whole point is for it to be an awkward and kludgy system, in the hope of dissuading the MPs from entering claims?

  132. 132
    Anonymous says:

    You are fcuking retarded! The biro’s actually come from a approved supplier put together by civil service beaurocrats via supposedly competetive tendering. The problem is- all public sector contracts over 156k over the life of a contract are subject to EU procurement. law and guidance. That means that a potential supplier needs to be able to evidence massive turnover for most multi mullion pound, public sector contracts so that the public bodies are

  133. 133
    Anonymous says:

    In turn are able to show the national exchequers that the supply of the biro’s is safe. That means the only Niro suppliersvthat stand a chance in he’ll of winning the stationary contracts are massive firms like lyreco and office depot who inflate their biro cost coz they know they are the only players who can win. The trouble is the Eu procurement rules treat fcuking biro’s the same way as they treat essential goods like vaccines and engineering grade metals. Supply stability doesn’t fuckung matter in a works full of biro suppliers – but try telling Brussels that!

  134. 134
    Henry V says:

    That is most beautiful thing I have read on the t’interweb for an age.

    The company I used to work for had 4 HR bods for 6,000 people. When I got made redundant there was nearly 200 for 16,000. Most of them spent their “working week” shopping in Manchester and shagging management.

    Yes I know it hasn’t got anything to do with MPs, but it doesn’t matter what we write here things aren’t going to change.

    If I were in charge local authorities would own a house for MP in their constituency. And would supply a secretary and researcher too. But that ain’t going to happen either………..

  135. 135
    Henry V says:

    One day the Germans will realise that the Frogs have hobbled them and then got the them to pay for the privilege. I understand German guilt over WW2 but come on people wake up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  136. 136
    Sniff says:

    In my day, mate, HR was called the Personnel Dept and was one of the smallest and most efficient places in the firm. And, moreover they usually got things right first time with little or no crappy red tape strangling them. Onwards and upwards, Comrades.

  137. 137
    Sniff says:

    A great incentive to improve the postal vote.

  138. 138
    Taxfodder says:

    Kin’ell Guido that idea is far too clear, how are MP’s supposed to muddy the waters and generally confuse the issue, if MP’s have clarity the old ploys for downright dishonesty cannot be utilized…ie:

    “I was confused” or
    “I did not realise” or
    “you can’t get the staff” or
    I am v sorry it won’t happen again” or
    “lessons have been learned”
    “it woz me granny that dun it”

  139. 139
    Anonymous says:

    Better still – charge the daft buggers who DO vote twenty quid to do so, and the whole shebang becomes self-financing… turnout would reflect true voter sentiment, and salaries would reflect the interest in that MP… brilliant idea, non?

  140. 140
    Anonymous says:

    “the Sunlight Centre recommended a number of measures based on best practice in the private sector.

    Highlighted two things MPs might not know too much about.

  141. 141
    Jr Dim McDaid says:

    the Sunlight Centre recommended a number of measures based on best practice in the private sector.

    How many MPs have a private sector background where they would be used to such best pracrise?

  142. 142
    Internal Auditor says:

    A credit card sounds simple but MetPol managed to properly mess up such a system during the magnificent reign of Sir Ian Blair. Some prosecutions and no doubt some who should have been. If Police Officers cannot use such a system without abusing it-are you serious about MPs doing it?

    Took a long time for Internal Audit to get it dealt with too. Heads buried in sand.

Seen Elsewhere

Users of Gay Hook-Up App Grindr Infected | TechnoGuido
ISIS Raising Funds Online Using Bitcoin | TechnoGuido
UKIP’s Youth Challenge | BBC
ISIS Operative: This Is How We Send Jihadis To Europe | BuzzFeed
Shapps Defends Bashir Defection | Seb Payne
Tory Leadership Contenders Jostle Over Europe | Alex Wickham
Cutting Taxes is Good For You | Art Laffer
Suspects Will Now Have to Prove Innocence | Laura Perrins
Labour Cllr: Cops Shouldn’t Stop Petrol Thieves | HandF Forum
Creeping Cultural Acceptance of Anti-Semitism | Eric Pickles
Time For Greece to Leave Eurozone | Allister Heath

Rising Stars
Find out more about PLMR AD-MS

Boris on British Jihadis. Apparently based on MI5 intel:

“If you look at all the psychological profiling about bombers, they typically will look at porn. They are literally w***ers. Severe onanists. They are tortured. They will be very badly adjusted in their relations with women, and that is a symptom of their feeling of being failures and that the world is against them. They are not making it with girls, and so they turn to other forms of spiritual comfort — which of course is no comfort.”

Tip off Guido
Web Guido's Archives

Subscribe me to:


AddThis Feed Button

Guido Reads

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 1,717 other followers