January 28th, 2010

Why Did You Join the Labour Party?

John Prescott is Tweeting followers asking

Why did you all join #Labour? Personal experiences? Shared values? Same vision of a progressive Britain? Let us know!

Guido is offering a copy of The Big Red Book of New Labour Sleaze to the most amusing answer (in character) for different Labour figures.

Prezza : For the sex and expenses.
Blair : To conquer Mesopotamia.

Well, you can probably do better…


624 Comments

  1. 1
    mitch says:

    Presscot “for the forty and pies”

  2. 2
    Maladroit Labour Chump says:

    Geoff Hoon: To start my property empire.

  3. 3
    Labour MP says:

    Because I couldn’t think for myself, had no interest in self-improvement and I didn’t want a job that involved working.

  4. 4
    genghiz the kahn says:

    gordon brown: to do what no scotsman had ever done in history, to reduce the english to be the starving vassals of a scottish king.

  5. 5
    Gordon Brown says:

    To destroy it,forever.

  6. 6
    Andrew K says:

    Harriet Harman: For a bit of rough.

  7. 7
    Sting's Beard says:

    I needed somewhere quiet and non descript to get away from my fans.

  8. 8
    Brown's Buggered Britain says:

    It was the last thing I remember – just before I was sectioned.

  9. 9
    genghiz the kahn says:

    patrica scotchland: to prove that ministers are always above the law.

  10. 10

    Peter Mandelson: “To shoot loads of/over Brazilians.

  11. 11
    Spank Sinatra says:

    Margaret Beckett: “Because the Pony Club wouldn’t have me.”

  12. 12
    Afghanistan Banana Stand says:

    David Chaytor: oink oink

  13. 13
    J.Presclott ( five bellies, two Jags & two inches ) says:

    For the extra-maritals and the extra pies.

  14. 14
    Margaret Beckett says:

    Because all the pretty girls had boyfriends and I was bored.

  15. 15
    Charles Flaccidwidger says:

    Neil Kinnock – “Because I’m a useless gobshite and unemployable in the real world. Where else could a pointless twat like me make millions and become a Lord?”

  16. 16
    Blears, H says:

    For me it was mainly for tax avoidance on gains from property deals, but also for free parking in London, so lots of reasons really.

  17. 17
    David Chaytor says:

    I joined for the biggest fringe benefit of all……..EXPENSES

  18. 18
    Peter Mandelson says:

    Because i’m intensely relaxed about becoming filthy rich.

  19. 19
    Clare Short says:

    Snap!!! OMG!!!

  20. 20
    Unsworth says:

    Giving or receiving?

  21. 21
    Rickytshirt says:

    Quentin Davies: It was my butler’s idea.

  22. 22
    Charles Flaccidwidger says:

    Alistair Campbell – “What other party would take a depressed alcholic who writes fourth rate porn?”

  23. 23
    Jacqui Smith says:

    Something like that.

  24. 24
    Unsworth says:

    Crufts might, though.

  25. 25
    Groucho says:

    Kevan Jones: Because my job as a Student’s Union administrator was never going to support the lifestyle I wanted!

  26. 26
    Danny Buck says:

    Mandleson: My way to sacrifice to my dark God and gain my ascension as a demon!
    Harman: Because my Aristocratic connections weren’t good enough for the Lib Dems
    Hoon: I wouldn’t survive the real World

  27. 27
    genghiz the kahn says:

    caroline flint: to be the most glamerous woman at the party conference.

  28. 28
    Alistair Darling says:

    Because it was the right thing to do

  29. 29
    John Prescott says:

    I joined so I get get access to women with no sense of self-esteem.

  30. 30
    Woodward, S says:

    To keep me in a job – I knew that going into the wife’s family business was a bit beyond me, what with all the rules and stuff on check-out desk work or shelf-stacking. Exes have come in useful as well, of course.

  31. 31
    Mine d'Boggles says:

    Because I wanted to get my own back on people who called me a ‘Man of Straw’.

  32. 32
    John Prescott says:

    China.

  33. 33
    T. B£iar says:

    I wanted to make a difference……………………………………..to my bank balance.

  34. 34
    Tony Blair says:

    I couldn’t possibly comment

  35. 35
    Matthew Knowles says:

    Every Labour MP “because no-one would give us this much money in the private sector”.

  36. 36
    Old Street says:

    that caption is applicable to so many of the fuckers it makes you sad

  37. 37
    Spank Sinatra says:

    Guido – I think this particular challenge you have set us will produce the most amusing collection of hopefully rude and crude suggestions since the dawn of time. Excellent work!

  38. 38
    Waymore says:

    Woodward: Because my wife told me to.

  39. 39
    On Harman Pride's Dossier says:

    Mo Mowlam: Because I had a massive brain tumour

  40. 40
    Straw, J says:

    Best place to deploy my oily “charm”, oh yes and to get my “council tax” paid.

  41. 41
    Rickytshirt says:

    Gordon: Because I failed the psychological examination for the Monster Raving Loony Party.

  42. 42
    Peter Grimes says:

    Ed Bollocks

    So that we can establish a thousand year Reich!

  43. 43
    Unsworth says:

    Blair: “Actually it was the Labour Party that joined me”.

  44. 44
    Charles Flaccidwidger says:

    John Prescott – “Because I’d had enough of people shouting “G&T” at me.”

  45. 45
    Spank Sinatra says:

    chuckles…….nice riposte

  46. 46
    300+ Labour MP's says:

    To serve the public. What else?

  47. 47
    genghiz the kahn says:

    john reid ph.d. : to pull.

  48. 48
    Jack Straw says:

    To rebalance my Karma. I had to do something to make up for my personal stance on pacifism and going along with a totally unnecessary and illegal war was just the ticket.

  49. 49
    Shaun Woodward says:

    Because i wanted to join the winning team.

  50. 50
    LondonLibertarian says:

    Mandy: Because Labour were the ones coming into power.

  51. 51
    Unsworth says:

    But not a massive brain.

  52. 52
    Brown, J G says:

    To avoid being elected for anything

  53. 53
    Terrible But True says:

    The form was offering a free lobotomy for those who hadn’t already had one to get thus far? A FREE lobotomy! Who needs to wait for the NHS, or to get old?

  54. 54
    Charles Flaccidwidger says:

    John Bercow – “I haven’t yet. Oh, what a giveaway.”

  55. 55
    Anonymous says:

    They all joined to make as much money as possible & imitate the lifestyle of the Conservatives.

  56. 56
    Gordon Brown says:

    I just kind of fell into the job when my KGB handlers moved me out of my holding position as a history lecturer in a technical college and handed me a safe seat.

    Serendipity I guess.

  57. 57
    EC1 PhD says:

    Tom Watson: to be a proppa blogga

    Sion Simon: proof that by adding no value to anything you end up with nothing

  58. 58
    TheCourtOfPublicOpinion says:

    David Blunkett – “because I couldn’t see any alternative”.

  59. 59
    Peter Grimes says:

    Jack Strawman

    So that I could prove to the British public that I am a weasel-faced, self-serving, unctuous, slippery, lying creep of an apology for a man who can only attract females because of the aura of ‘power’.

  60. 60
    John Cipher says:

    I joined because I wanted Britain to become a Communist state. After the collapse of the Soviet Bloc I has desperate for a new ideology I could believe in with my feverish self indulgent zeal. Thank you global warming!

  61. 61
    Brown, J G says:

    My credit card was maxed out and overdraft at it’s limit. I just needed to get my hands on somebody else’s pile of cash.

  62. 62
    Gord Brown says:

    I’m not actually a member of the Labour party, but I want to join. Because I hate everyone who hates the Labour party. Is that a good enough reason?

  63. 63
    Anonymous says:

    To ruin the UK’s economy!

  64. 64
    TheCourtOfPublicOpinion says:

    David Cameron – “because they nicked all our policies”

  65. 65
    .243 Win says:

    Batty Hatty Harpic : “So people could know where to find me”.

  66. 66
    jgm2 says:

    Serve us up a shit-sandwich in lieu of the prudent economy we specifically ordered from the menu?

  67. 67
    Emma says:

    Harriet Harman: So I could set phasers to equality.

  68. 68
    genghiz the kahn says:

    jackie smith, gordon brown, edward balls, bob ainsworth: to show the world that a complete lack of talent, looks, ability and integrity is no bar for advancement in british politics today.

  69. 69
    TheCourtOfPublicOpinion says:

    Jack Straw – “To vote for the Iraq war and make daddy so proud”

  70. 70
    jgm2 says:

    Genius.

  71. 71
    concrete pump says:

    There should be crosshairs in that circle aimed at Prescott, preferably sat atop a Barrett M107.

  72. 72
    Hugh Janus says:

    “I wouldn’t survive the real World.”

    I’m afraid that just about sums it up for all of them DB. Perhaps I could just add – because I can make shedloads whilst at the same time being completely unaccountable for my actions and remaining above the tsunami of laws that we have unleashed on the little people (or something along those lines).

  73. 73
    Blairs Babes says:

    Money for nothing,and the chicks for free.

  74. 74
    Hattie Harman says:

    To support my true heroes in the Conservatives, by undermining the Labour Government from within and making them look even more inept than Balls,Brown,Straw etc already are.

  75. 75
    Mr Plum says:

    I dont know what it is but seeing Precott there holding that hammer i keep thinking J Arthur Rank

  76. 76
    Tony Blair says:

    Because Labour voters are thicker and so it would be easier to assume power.

  77. 77
    Neil Kinnock says:

    To get on the european gravy train

  78. 78
    Peter Grimes says:

    Lady Mandlebum comes into lots of unsavoury things!

  79. 79
    TheCourtOfPublicOpinion says:

    Ed Balls – “So I could stick two fingers to to those who fought in the war by wearing a Nazi outfit and putting in a claim of £33 for remembrance day poppies”.

  80. 80
    Prezza says:

    Because I failed my 11-plus and have a very small dick.

  81. 81
    Hugh Janus says:

    Yes!

  82. 82
  83. 83
    Charles Flaccidwidger says:

    John Prescott – “Because it was the only party where not being able to string htree wors together wasn’t a problem.

  84. 84
    iain says:

    David Blunkett:…..I thought I was joining Sheffield swingers club

  85. 85
    Gordon Brown says:

    It’s the right thing to do Ed.

  86. 86
    D Blunkett says:

    To help others (eg that bird I gave the train tickets to and that nanny with passport issues)

  87. 87
    Dave Cameron says:

    Because I’m stark, staring bonkers

  88. 88

    Chaytor: To get a mortgage.

  89. 89
    Charles Flaccidwidger says:

    Or being able to type apparently.

  90. 90
    Hugh Janus says:

    100% accurate.

  91. 91
    concrete pump says:

    John Prescott :- “I joined Labour because it was the only party that shared my love of ignorance, hypocrisy and pies”.

  92. 92
    Peter Grimes says:

    Nah, no pedigree!

  93. 93
    Anonymous says:

    James Gordon Brown, to be saviour of the world.

  94. 94
    Imbecile down a bottomless pit seeing the green shoots of recovery says:

    So i’d feel at home amongst like minded folk.

  95. 95
    Thecreamthewhitethebone says:

    Gordon Brown – Because i am a scottish / northern socialist and the only way of getting on is by sponging off the taxpayer. I am not capable of generating wealth only destroying it.
    Alastair Darling – Because i am a scottish / northern socialist and the only way of getting on is by sponging off the taxpayer. I am not capable of generating wealth only destroying it.
    John Prescott – Because i am a scottish / northern socialist and the only way of getting on is by sponging off the taxpayer. I am not capable of generating wealth only destroying it.

    etc etc etc etc

  96. 96
    Qui Bono says:

    Blair ~ to be protected by armed guards 24/7 whilst my minions shout at you for using any self defence against criminals at all.

  97. 97
    All Labour Party members says:

    Because we’re thick.

  98. 98
    Devil's Dumplings says:

    John Prescott: “To be completely above the law, enabling me to: Make fraudulent expense claims, indulge in Tax evasion, live off the earnings of others (which makes me a Whore I suppose) and so I could smack a Prole in the mouth, on camera, and not be prosecuted for Assault like the rest of you plebs would be…”

  99. 99
    genghiz the kahn says:

    gordon browm : to do what asquith, lloyd george, churchill, baldwin, ramsay macdonald, lansbury, f. e. smith, chamberlain, attlee, eden, macmillan, home, wilson, owen, rogers, williams, blair and thatcher could not do….destroy the labour party as an electoral force for ever.

  100. 100
    Right Bastard says:

    Tony Blair – Strangers on my Flight.

    http://www.animatronics.org/strangers/strangers.htm

  101. 101
    TheCourtOfPublicOpinion says:

    Peter Hain – “I knew what gullible chumps they were, so after being kicked out for 5 minutes after hiding those donations was welcomed back like nothing happened”.

  102. 102
    Peter Grimes says:

    Mandy’s Brazilian was that dark, was he? Shades of Orton!

  103. 103
    Hugh Janus says:

    You have struck a rich vein here Guido. In fact I’m wondering if your blog will be able to cope with the bile and wit of so many at one time.

  104. 104
    Pig Sick says:

    Neil Kinnock ~ So myself and my family could feed off the public teat as we would be unemployable in the private sector

  105. 105
    TheCourtOfPublicOpinion says:

    Gordon Brown – “To save the world”.

  106. 106
    A bloke in a turban says:

    Cos it my only chance of a peerage and it gets me laid

  107. 107
    T Blair says:

    Good question….I’ll get my coat

  108. 108
    Countryboy says:

    ………………………………..(insert name of Labour MP here): Because I’m a useless Hunt unfit for real work.

  109. 109
    Brown Hater says:

    ***Applause***

  110. 110
    Michael Foot says:

    Because No one else would have me.

  111. 111
    TheCourtOfPublicOpinion says:

    John Prescott – “To fook totty in Whitehall offices”.

  112. 112
    Grammar School Boy says:

    Can you afford that new bike yet?

  113. 113
    Sir Barrington Minge says:

    Blair: well, y’know, I’m a pretty straight kind of guy and, well…I just wanted to know how it felt to be totally corrupt and, well…bent.

  114. 114
    The IMF is coming says:

    Richard Timney:
    To watch porn FOC

    Lord Mandelson:
    I enjoy going to Estates and watch people shooting

  115. 115
    N Brown says:

    So I could throw my weight around, well some of it anyway.

  116. 116
    Oswald Mosley says:

    Because I’m a fascist.

  117. 117

    John Prescott: “bit of a misunderstanding really: I thought I was being asked to get stuck in to new labia.”

  118. 118
    EC1 PhD says:

    John Prescott: because I believe instictly in humanistical rights, democratical foundations and for the greatliness of the nation.

  119. 119
    Alastair Campbell says:

    Becuse I was depressed.

  120. 120
    Charles Flaccidwidger says:

    Billy Bragg – “Because I knew my career was in freefall and it’s the only way I get any publicity these days.”

  121. 121
    Billy Blofeld says:

    Cherie Blair: Labour is the natural home of the ugly cow.

    Margaret Becket: Labour is the natural home of the ugly cow.

    Margaret Moran: Labour is the natural home of the ugly cow.

    Yvette Cooper: Labour is the natural home of the ugly cow.

    Clare Short: Labour is the natural home of the ugly cow.

    Patricia Hewitt: Labour is the natural home of the ugly cow.

    Hazel Blears: Labour is the natural home of the ugly cow.

    Jaqcui Smith:Labour is the natural home of the ugly cow.

    Harriet Harman: Labour is the natural home of the ugly cow.

    David Blunkett: All the quality skirt.

  122. 122
    TheCourtOfPublicOpinion says:

    Alistair Darling – “So I could get my personal accounts done properly, and for free”.

  123. 123
    elizabeth says:

    Harriet Harman: I couldn’t face having to compete with competent women

    Ed Balls: I failed the entrance exam for the LibDems

    Polly Toynbee: I didn’t have to join, my father got me in.

    Lord Goldsmith: There were too many lower class grammar school oiks like William Hague in the Tories

    James Purnell: What do you mean, I joined the “Labour” Party? Uh, oh … I think I may have filled in the wrong form …

    Gordon Brown: The others widnae have me …’snot fair

    Gordon Brown: In the country of the blind, the one-eyed man is king, hehehe …

  124. 124
    Jeeves says:

    Indeed sir.

  125. 125
    Spank Sinatra says:

    Agreed – servers must be in meltdown!

  126. 126
    Grrr says:

    Gordon Brown “So I could move from using British voters own money to bribe British voters, to using British voters money to bribe Afghan voters”

  127. 127
    Charles Flaccidwidger says:

    Ben Elton – “Because it was the only way the BBC would take any of my work.”

  128. 128
    Edward Balls says:

    No reason really – I was drunk at the time and worried that those Nazi uniform photos would turn up somehow.

  129. 129
    concrete pump says:

    Very good!

  130. 130
    TheCourtOfPublicOpinion says:

    John Prescott – “To keep things in the family”.

  131. 131
    Jacqui Smith says:

    Because my husband Richard is a total wanker.

  132. 132
    Spank Sinatra says:

    Applause

  133. 133
    The names Bummer Peter Bummer says:

    Because John mixes the best Martinis and is so helpful on Nats yacht

  134. 134
    Tony Blair says:

    Because the Tory Party refused my application

  135. 135
    Anonymous says:

    Top drawer!

  136. 136
    TheCourtOfPublicOpinion says:

    Harriet Harman – “It’s the only way I could get away with using my mobile whilst driving”

  137. 137
    Tankboy says:

    All Politicians: “because we’re too average to make it in the private sector”

  138. 138
    Peter Grimes says:

    They are called ‘shooting parties’, or ‘monks’ circles’ to you, Lady Mandlebum!

  139. 139
    Quentin Davies says:

    “I am looking forward to joining another party…which has just acquired a leader I have always greatly admired, who I believe is entirely straightforward, and who has a towering record, and a clear vision for the future of our country which I fully share

  140. 140

    …because, and I know this is hard to believe, but they really think joining Labour was the right thing to do. Many *still*, after everything, think Labour is the best hope for this country.

    We have to remember this about socialists – and the greens too. They honestly really do think they’re the good guys. They really think if everyone was identical, lived in a cave eating mung beans, the world would be a better place. Like all genocidal types, they cling to this wicked doctrine that the end justifies the means – and it doesn’t.

    Sure, they’re thick, demented, deluded social inadequates – we all know that. But *they* still don’t. I wonder if there is a cure for wishful thinking? Maybe electro shock therapy?

    ‘Wishful thinking’ may be more dangerous than anything else on earth.

  141. 141
    Bono says:

    Because

  142. 142
  143. 143
    Peter Grimes says:

    Don’t hold your breath for the wit element, Huge!

    Does Guido’s statporn figures a world of good, though!

  144. 144
    Turbotubbs says:

    Shaun Woodward – “Because I didn’t think the Tories would ever get back into power… Oops…”

  145. 145
    Lord Mandelson, 007 says:

    To be 007, the James Bond of politics

  146. 146

    Mandelson – Because I couldn’t join the Empire… As that was a long time ago in a Galaxy far far away you see.

  147. 147
    TheCourtOfPublicOpinion says:

    Derek Draper – “Because Gordon needs his fucking head examining and I’m the paid-up BACP member to do it”.

  148. 148
    Mark Oaten says:

    I’ll have the club version!

  149. 149
    purpleline says:

    Gordon Brown -I was tapped on the shoulder while at Broadmoor

  150. 150
    iain says:

    234567890-

  151. 151
    sockpuppet #4 says:

    yes. What I don’t understand is that someone who was a teenager, smack bang in the middle of thatcherism, would want to lead the conservative party, lead it straight into the centre.

  152. 152
    Anthony Charles Lynton Blair says:

    Oh shit – is this the Labour Party ? I must have ticked the wrong box.

  153. 153
    The IMF is coming says:

    David Tennant:
    I like Mrs Brown

    Marcus Brigstocke:
    I am not actually a member, but it’s cool to pretend.

    BBC 5live:
    We enjoy Champagne parties on election night

  154. 154
    TheCourtOfPublicOpinion says:

    Damian McBride – “It was a stepping stone onto the dizzying heights I’m at now, scrubbing toilets in a school whilst trying to persuade the BBC to take me on”.

  155. 155
    Gordon Brown says:

    Because I was kicked senseless at a young age.

  156. 156
    Maladroit Labour Chump says:

    Sean Deadwood: Er,er, because the Conservatives had rumbled me.

  157. 157
    sockpuppet #4 says:

    Nope. he wanted to be prime minister, after Neil Kinnock.

  158. 158
    NuAttack Dog says:

    to keep the untermensch in their place

  159. 159
    TooNuff says:

    Hi Prezza, I joined Labour as a result of our Shared Values; you see I am a cnut just like you….

  160. 160
    mungle says:

    I wanted to live in a progressive society where the concept of privacy is considered outmoded and quaint. A society that logs every phone call I make, every web site I visit and every e-mail I send. It gives me a feeling of worth to know that lots and lots of public servants have an interest in and access to what was once my private data.

  161. 161
    The names Bummer Peter Bummer says:

    I always had a thing for that master villain Gordon Goldflinger , he has the funny eyes and scars *shudders*
    oooo and I love Shirley Bassey

  162. 162
    Everyone in the PLP says:

    Because we’re ignorant of even basic economics.

  163. 163
    Rickytshirt says:

    By the way, Jeeves, you’re fired.

  164. 164
    Shaun Woodward says:

    To get a seat at the top table

  165. 165
    jgm2 says:

    It looks like the 11+ was right after all doesn’t it John. No grammar school boy would have fucked up the economy as spectacularly as you lot managed to.

  166. 166
    The BBC says:

    We had no choice, it was either join or cease to exist.

  167. 167
    Keith Vaz says:

    No one else would have me.

  168. 168
    Gordon's favourite Butt Plug says:

    “I am writing myself I have just come across an amazing observation by Francis Bacon in 1620 that to me sums up the whole Climategate, IPCC, Himalayagate and all the other gates that I would like to share with you:

    “Those who have taken upon them to lay down the law of nature as a thing already searched out and understood, whether they have spoken in simple assurance or professional affectation, have therein done philosophy and the sciences great injury. For as they have been successful in inducing belief, so they have been effective in quenching and stopping inquiry; and have done more harm by spoiling and putting an end to other men’s efforts than good by their own.” (Bacon)

    The full text is in translation here: http://www.constitution.org/bacon/nov_org.htm

    The DAM that the Scammers, Frauds, Alarmists, Beard wearers, Marxists, and Conmen have so carefully built is about to be Bouncing Bombed by the Blogosphere.

    Andrew Neil’s blog which is linked top right here is absolutely on the money.

  169. 169
    jgm2 says:

    Obviously not often enough.

  170. 170
    anon says:

    Sad but true

  171. 171
    Unsworth says:

    Chum

  172. 172
    Emily Benn says:

    Because my uncle and his dad and HIS dad wanted to eliminate patronage and nepotism from politics

  173. 173
    Gordon Brown says:

    To make my mark in history by redifining ‘incompetent’ and ‘deluded’.

  174. 174
    Peter Grimes says:

    And to provide a passage just wide enough for FatArse Prescott’s tiny dick!

  175. 175
    Disco Stew says:

    Brilliant.

  176. 176
    Unsworth says:

    Epic fail.

  177. 177
    Nick Drew says:

    Tony Blair – to associate myself with the lot of the poor, by taking up residence in a humble town in the North East of England

    Cherie Blair – to live a life of modesty and humility

    Geoff Hoon – to see my name forever commemorated in the vernacular

  178. 178
    Gordon Brown says:

    To end Boom and Bust.

  179. 179

    David Cameron – I lack the balls to be a Tory

  180. 180
    Unsworth says:

    And the Lefty thing to do.

  181. 181
    Gordon Brown says:

    To test to destruction the premise that you can solve any problem by throwing enough of other people’s money at it.

  182. 182
    The IMF is coming says:

    Jacqui Smith

    On balance, next time I will buy my own bath plug

  183. 183
    Peter Grimes says:

    But he can only handle a watchmaker’s hammer!

  184. 184
    anon says:

    Baroness Cathy Ashton:

    “How else could a recycled communist traitor who hates democracy actually become the Foreign Minister in a dictatorship & never ever having to face an electorate or ballot box?”

  185. 185
    Anonymous says:

    My vote for the winner is 117 from Tuscan Tony.

  186. 186
    TheCourtOfPublicOpinion says:

    Peter Mandelson – “I was going for the record on the number of times a politician can return from disgrace”.

  187. 187
    davy says:

    Elliott Morley: (To the tune of ‘Common People’)

    I came from SHunthorpe and then worked for Hull City
    I noticed then the sizeable cash kitty
    That’s when you…
    Caught my eye.
    I noticed that the taxpayer was loaded
    For my bank balance I could tell this boded
    And it boded…well

    And then come election time
    I said I want to live like Commons people
    I want to expense like Commons people do
    I want to buy like Commons people
    I want to sponge like Commons people
    Off you.

  188. 188
  189. 189
    Templar says:

    Mandy: Because when you sell your soul to Satan, he forces you to do the most vile things.

  190. 190
    Axe The Telly Tax says:

    Rank stupidity comes to mind

  191. 191
    Gordon Goldflinger says:

    Because it was right to fling away our gold whatever Peter Bummer says.
    I am now going to get on with the job and when I am finished hopefuly some kind person(Tony?) will help me find my way out of the lavatory after I have finished writing letters of condolence on the walls.
    Thats why I have always hated the Tory party, the party that wants to keep moral men such as myself trapped in the bog and put the tory in lavatory

  192. 192
    Bewildebeest says:

    David Blunkettt “I didn’t know I had”

  193. 193
    Unsworth says:

    You did.

    But you can’t bring that dog in here.

  194. 194
    Billy Blofeld says:

    Gordon Brown: I’m not a member of the Labour Party. I’m in the first wave of a group of evil aliens who are here to destroy human society by taking control of your governments and destroying your countries from within.

  195. 195
    Afghan President Hamid Karzai. says:

    For the Money.

  196. 196
    Trinny says:

    to spend other people’s money.

  197. 197
    Peter Grimes says:

    Now THAT does deserve applause!

    Bravo!!

  198. 198
    Chav says:

    For the free laptop and broadband.

  199. 199
    Jock McJock says:

    James 1 & VI!!

  200. 200
    Michael Winner says:

    Fourth rate!? You’re being kind dear.

  201. 201
    Unsworth says:

    Yep, what things and whose family?

  202. 202

    Yvette Cooper: “I lick Ed’s Balls, but Frank*, ‘e de Tory”

    *Field

  203. 203
    Peter Grimes says:

    Me or toothy Caroline?

    (Perhaps we could become a double act, but I want to be like Hatty HarPerson and push!)

  204. 204
    Anonymous says:

    Say’s Tony from overseas.

  205. 205
    Greychatter says:

    Prescott:

    So I could show the workers of Britain that Labour doesn’t works for them – only the privileged few, like me and Tony and Gordon and Arthur Scargill and all the Union bosses and the Champagne Socialist.

    Vote Labour and line our pockets with your hard earned wages – long may you be deluded that we care for the working classes.

  206. 206
    rocknrolla says:

    Progress and modernisation are wonderful aren’t they?

    Take it everyone has seen this:

    http://www.arrestblair.org/

    If nothing else might force him and Cherie to live in a bit of fear.

  207. 207
    marty says:

    Berco.. So I can swing my legs when I’m happy!

  208. 208
    Lord Alan Sugar says:

    For the Honours.

  209. 209
    Peter Grimes says:

    Where is the Caravan Queen from?

  210. 210

    Margaret Moran: because Labour isn’t working – which suits me fine.

  211. 211
    Simon Harley says:

    But still the flab would deflect the shell…

  212. 212
    Bernie Ecclestone says:

    Need you ask?

  213. 213
    Right Hon Gordon Brown says:

    To outdo Maggie Thatcher

    See Here

    — The British government is seeking to raise more cash by selling its 71.5 billion-pound ($116 billion) stake in three crippled banks than Margaret Thatcher generated by disposing of state-owned businesses during her entire 11 years in office.

    From 1979 to 1990, then-Prime Minister Thatcher’s three administrations privatized more than 20 companies, including British Gas and British Airways. The total raised would now be worth about 68.5 billion pounds, adjusted for inflation, according to accounting firm Ernst & Young. Prime Minister Gordon Brown hasn’t disclosed a timetable for the sale of the U.K.’s stakes in Royal Bank of Scotland Group Plc, Lloyds Banking Group Plc and Northern Rock Plc, making their remuneration and lending practices a political question.

  214. 214

    Yvette Cooper: “I lick Ed’s Balls but dream of Frank*, ‘e de Tory”

  215. 215
    The IMF is coming says:

    Scottish postal voter;
    For the free bottle of Buckfast with every Labour postal vote

  216. 216
    Peter Grimes says:

    Brilliant!!

  217. 217
    Galloping Gurner says:

    New Labour.

    To make the UK a laughing stock, for all the world to look at, point and laugh.

    Because you all laughed at us at school.

  218. 218
    Cyco Billy says:

    Lying Five Bellies – it’s because when you were a little girl you saw a big bad Tory come to talk at your school, and you got so wet between the legs you had to run off home for the privacy of your little back bedroom, and think Liebore to get yourself off.

  219. 219
    H Harperson says:

    Because all animals are created equal……… But some animals are more equal than others

  220. 220
    Will Straw says:

    I’m with you sister.

  221. 221

    Caroline Flint: to prove that despite physical appearance and dress sense, a modern progressive female politician is more than window dressing.

  222. 222
    D P Dance says:

    Lord Martin of The Gorbals

    To get a new fur coat Jimmy

    Lord Kinnock

    To get my boy into the British Council Boyo

  223. 223

    Vote early, often and anonymously.

  224. 224
    The Underclass says:

    Whats a Vernacular?

  225. 225
    SW1 says:

    Jacqui Smith: For the great tv package included.

  226. 226
    Carry On Don't Lose Your Head (1967) says:

    Blair’s Babes: “Because we’re mediocre”

  227. 227
    Thecreamthewhitethebone says:

    Gordon Brown – To blow my own trumpet
    Peter Mandelson – To blow someone elses trumpet
    Alastair Darling – To tax trumpet players and all other sections of Brass where I have heard there is muck.
    John Prescott – trumpets….eeeh i love em wi butter on…oh i thought thee said crumpets.

  228. 228
    Nick Drew says:

    Keith Vaz – to introduce probity and integrity to British Politics

    Damian McBride – to carry the lamp of truth and openness

    Polly Toynbee – to go down on my knees and receive pearls of wisdom from Tony Blair, errrr, Gordon Brown, no, make that David Miliband …

    Oswald Mosley – because I feel truly at home here

  229. 229
    The lower orders says:

    Its some kind of mountain railway stupid!

  230. 230
    School for Scoundrels says:

    To get around planning regs. Oh, and traffic law. and accountancy rules. and the Audit commission. and the fraud squad. and Customs and Revenue. And to serve the People.

  231. 231
    Tony Blair says:

    Because at the time the Conservatives were unelectable.

  232. 232
    The Whole Lot of Them says:

    Because I want power over my betters, so that I can screw their lives up as revenge for being cleverer, richer, or just better looking than me

  233. 233
    Disco Biscuit says:

    Shaun Woodward: To represent the good people of Liverpool St… where is it again?

  234. 234
    Yvette Cooper says:

    I joined Labour to be able to get away with telling stupid jokes like this one

    My husband’s a classical musician.

    Every morning he performs the Trumpet Involuntary

  235. 235
    Carry On Don't Lose Your Head (1967) says:

    Shame they didn’t tap you twice in the head.

  236. 236
    Kier Hardie says:

    To fight against privilege,corruption in high places and children in poverty.

  237. 237
    Elliot Morley says:

    Ooh! I feel poorly.

  238. 238
    Spank Sinatra says:

    Mandelson: “Because I’d rather have a lobster on my piano than a crab on my organ. Sadly I got the latter also.”

  239. 239
    Tinker's Cuss says:

    Shaun Woodward: Because my old party was going to lose.

  240. 240
    The Equality Tsar says:

    Because no other outfit would have an oxymoronic institution like me

  241. 241
    jgm2 says:

    I was drawing cultists attention to the inconvenient fact that hurricanes had fuck all to do with ‘global warming’ five years ago.

    But it is a waste of CO2 talking to these arseholes. Their minds are firmly clamped shut.

    http://boards.fool.co.uk/Message.asp?mid=10050220&sort=postdate

    Do these imbeciles never tire of being wrong?

  242. 242
    Glennys Kinnocks Glory Hole says:

    Ed Balls so I can rim Gordons arse forever!.

  243. 243
    the shade of dr kelly says:

    john Prescott – to be a giant amongst pygmies

    Geraldine smith – it was the only group I could join where my fucking stupid accent would be fairly normal.

  244. 244
    Johnny says says:

    Tony Blair: To fund my property empire.
    Meachy Meacher: To enlarge my property empire.
    David Chaytor: To fund my daughter’s property empire.
    Jacky Spliff: To fund my sister’s property empire.
    Gordon Brown: To buy assets from Robert Maxwell’s property empire.

  245. 245
    The Ghost of Robert Maxwell says:

    Someone had to show Gordon how Pensions worked

  246. 246
    Andy Carpark says:

    Tony McNulty: Because it deserves someone of my intellectual calibre.

  247. 247
    Tony Blair says:

    I got a handjob from Carol Caplinstein , Married a hot chick called Cherie who has a fanny as hairy as a gorillas head and a gob as wide as the Mersey tunnel(her c*nt is even wider)
    Labour has been good to me

  248. 248
    Tinker's Cuss says:

    Billy Bragg: Because lots of things rhyme with ‘Tory’, but not much with ‘pinch-faced killjoy socialist scumbags’.

  249. 249
    christy says:

    Ian McCartney-to be a champagne socialist,I always buy flutes.
    Gordo-Iv’e always had my eye on labour,never saw an alternative with the other.
    Andy Burnham-Twas the mascara that did it.
    Ruth Kelly-it was a religeous calling,christ my thigh hurts.
    Neil Turner-shaving convinced me,the others frowned on 7 day growths.
    Shaun Woodward-I was in two minds.
    Alistair Darling-I thought it was a flipping good idea.
    John Prescott-Office parties was the clincher for me and I can really Tracey it to that.
    David Chator-That roast dinner with all that gravy that I had on the train,no brainer really.
    Jack Straw-I figured it out early on that if I joined the others it might be seen as cowardice.
    Peter Mandelson-I thought hedge your bets laddie.
    Tony Blair-Dont know really,give me time I assure you I will give you a reason when I have the right advice.
    A few to be going on with.

  250. 250
    Fred Perry says:

    Oh fuck. Gormless Brown has just wished fellow Scotsman Andy Murray good luck in the final of the Australian Open……..Never mind Andy, there’s always next year.

  251. 251
    Adolf Hitler says:

    I joined German Labour so I could get someone else to do the Labour for me

  252. 252
    Blears, H's mouth says:

    And sackfuls of nuts.

  253. 253
    Gorfoons Blownit says:

    Lord Goldsmith:
    I wasn’t going to join, until two after meeting with two big blokes, I changed my mind.

  254. 254
    Fiona Phillips says:

    To get a job at GMTV

  255. 255
    Sh@fted says:

    I joined New Labour because it gives me better protection and benefits than any Masonic handshake can offer me!????????

  256. 256
    Spluttering James Naughtie says:

    Bu, bu, bu, pu . . . . . . .

  257. 257
    Ghost in the Machine says:

    Because Mrs Thatcher said it was her greatest achievement.

  258. 258
    Batty Betty Williams MP says:

    It was either that or teaching line dancing at Dyffryn Nantlle

  259. 259
    Gordon Brown says:

    To keep the poor, poor.

  260. 260
    The IMF is coming says:

    £10 on Federer then
    Wondered how long before he jumped on the wagon
    WTF does he know about tennis

  261. 261
    Glenda Jackson says:

    Because I heard that it was showbusiness for ugly people

  262. 262
    Hugh Janus says:

    I suppose that was expecting rather a lot….

  263. 263
    Tinker's Cuss says:

    Gisela Stuart: I didn’t understand ze application form.

  264. 264
    Gorfoons Blownit says:

    I joined as I was asked for my membership number when I applied to the BBC

  265. 265
    Nick Drew says:

    Diane Abbott – to have my manifold talents showcased on the telly every week

  266. 266
    Gordon Brown says:

    Because one day I knew I would have the chance to chase a powerful black man around a kitchen , get on my knees before his well packed trousers and beg for a photo of me licking his boots
    A step up for any Scotsman

  267. 267
    Sarah Brown says:

    Because my boyfriend told me to.

  268. 268
    The Bilderberg Group says:

    Because its all part of our plan. All of it Ken, Mandy, The world bank, the man on the grassy knoll. Were behind it all

  269. 269
    Alan Johnson - education secretary says:

    Dont’ know much about History…
    Don’t know much trigonometry…

  270. 270
    Charles Flaccidwidger says:

    Bob Marshall – Andrews – “Fucked if I know.”

  271. 271
    Rickytshirt says:

    I’m not Quentin Davies, I’m Shaun Woodward. Sorry for the confusion

  272. 272
    Carry On Don't Lose Your Head (1967) says:

    New Labour, New Motherfuckers: “Because the LibDems were too clever for us. And the Tories were… too clever for us.”

  273. 273
    Maladroit Labour Chump says:

    Shall I mail all these postal votes now ?

  274. 274
    The end of the Universe says:

    Why go the long way round if you’ve found a shortcut

  275. 275
    Hugh Janus says:

    V good

  276. 276
    Alistair Darling's eyebrows says:

    Because when liebore agree to shooting badgers, the last place they will look is Downing St.

  277. 277
    The Great Kazi of Afghanistan says:

    I was concerned about the terrible levels of corruption and dishonesty and the widening gap between the rich and poor. Thats enough about Britain . Afghanistan has some problems as well but at least they’re being addressed

  278. 278
    beggars belief says:

    Blair T : To do what I like and never be prosecuted
    Blair C: To become richer then I deserve – I always worry we dont have enough £ (and to meet celebrities and get good property recommendations)
    Harperson: Only job I could have these ideas and not be sectioned
    Brown : The Labour party chose me, it was my destiny.
    Mandleson: How else could I get a mortgage and watch?
    Bercow S: to max out the publicity of my hubby
    Moore: To bury bad news
    Miliband, D: Because my Dad told me to
    Miliband, E: Because my brother told me to
    ALL the rest: fabulous expenses scheme and pension

  279. 279
    Nestor Mahkhno says:

    so the working class
    can kiss my arse
    and I get the fancy
    job at last

  280. 280
    Kevin says:

    Harriet Harman: ‘Cause I’m a twat.

  281. 281
    Maladroit Labour Chump says:

    Bomber B£iar: So I could drop bombs on Belgrade, Baghdad and Bagram

  282. 282
    A Spineless wimp says:

    Because they threatened to send the boys round if I didn’t

  283. 283
    Charles Flaccidwidger says:

    Fabian Solutions – “I was convinced by the carefully reasoned arguments of Charles E Hardwidge and Master Baiter.”

  284. 284
    Distorted sense of entitlement says:

    I vote Labour because I was bullied at school and I want revenge

  285. 285
    Barry Obama says:

    Just who/ what is the Labour party?
    And who is this piss stained tramp from England that keeps sending me emails?
    Mr Director could you please terminate him with extreme prejudice.
    Barry

  286. 286
    Anonymous says:

    Tony Blair: Because God told me to.

  287. 287
    Mike Wood says:

    Good idea.
    Hilary Benn: I inherited it

  288. 288
    Sir William Waad says:

    David Miliband – “It’s what my grandfather would have wanted”

    Ed Miliband – “My bruv said it was a good doss”

  289. 289
    The KGB says:

    Join it , dont be daft we ran the whole shooting match. But split me nose open with a boathook just as our plans were coming to fruition Gorby had to go and upset the applecart in mother Russia. Bugger

  290. 290
    Mike Wood says:

    Quentin Davies: Why, oh why, oh why!

  291. 291
    Peter Grimes says:

    But who pulls his strings?

  292. 292
    Keith Vaz says:

    To lead a Corrupt life.

  293. 293
    Peter Grimes says:

    Which is more than Richard Thewank provides!

  294. 294
    John Noakes says:

    It was the last harebrained stupid shit for brains thing left that id never done on Blue Peter

  295. 295
    Mr Joseph Stalin, no3,the Iron Curtain says:

    Gordon made me join! he and Ed balls gave me a Chinese purge the rotter’s I mean OK I was naughty but they are taking it too far !!.

  296. 296
    Gordon Brown says:

    Because the giant white rabbit that lives in my wardrobe told me that if I didn’t join the labour party then the magic beans which the wizard sold me wouldn’t work.

  297. 297
    1 of the 30% says:

    Underclass, a type of conveyor toaster you see in Hotels

  298. 298
    Sir William Waad says:

    Bob Ainsworth: “Is this switched on? I can’t seem to – “

  299. 299
    Bisto says:

    You people give Gravy a bad name

  300. 300
    J.K.Rowling says:

    I can’t handle reality and live in a dream-world.Plus Sarah does a wicked turkey(no wonder Gordon’s a fat fud).

  301. 301
    Tony Bliar says:

    I didn’t join the Labour Party, sonny, the Labour Party joined me.

  302. 302

    BBC : To Promote the cult of New Liebour.
    To secure riches and wealth beyond avarice.
    To bring the cult and power of Nuremburg Rallies into every single home.
    We are the mouthpiece of the Socialist Agenda!

    We will critisice and repudiate any claims that prevent the expansion of the great and almighty EUSSR!

    Great comrades of Britain! We the BBC call upon you to follow the Glorious Leader! Comrade Brown and his great predecessor Comrade Hero Blair need your assistance to expand the great empire of the EUSSR! We need room to expand, we must annex the fertile lands of Eastern Europe!

    Comrades of Britain! Join us and your beloved leader! We must help our great and good socialist allies and friends in Africa! We must help them in their time of need. Dig deep into your pockets my friends! This taxation is for the greater good!

    The Glorious Leader has worked extensively with his genuis and with his economic advisors to bring you great wealth in your houses, and to provide you with enormous plasma TVs, so that you too many celebrate as our heroes of Economic Prudence bring love and prosperity to all!

    Oh and we have a big payroll and New Liebour agreed to pay it via the TV Licence Tax. I think that’s about it…

  303. 303
    Rank and File member says:

    Just like the rest of us then.

  304. 304
    Bob Ain'tworth-Atoss says:

    Because I ‘adn’t ‘ad any ‘ope of ‘aving all this admiration from all the electorate !

  305. 305
    Harpic's Dromey says:

    It’s because by the time she grew up she was too old to be a Norland Nanny.

  306. 306
    chrisg says:

    “Because Labour members are compassionate.” They’ve kept Gordon in his job, even when they know he shouldn’t be there….

  307. 307
    John Paul Gauthier says:

    But we loved your style- that coat!!

  308. 308
    David Tennant says:

    It’s the only way to get a job at the BBC.

  309. 309
    Gordon Brünö says:

    Because it vas de right zing to do.

    Vassup?

  310. 310
    Minger Beckett says:

    Because nowhere else on earth would I be referred to as a ‘babe’

  311. 311
    Old Nick Heavenly(real dimwit) says:

    They call it positive thinking nowadays.

    Caused the global financial crisis.

    Took root in the shitty 80’s.

    !

  312. 312
    Clarence says:

    Peter Hain: I joined the Labour Party in good faith because I am incompetent and not because I have anything to hide. I have reported myself to the Electoral Commission. That will be £10,000, please.

    Quentin Davies: why did I join the Labour Party? I ask myself that question every day.

  313. 313
    Sir William Waad says:

    Keir Hardie: “Because I wanted to break the power of a self-perpetuating, corrupt ruling elite, in league with the media and the Establishment”

  314. 314
    Cato Street Conspirator says:

    Blair – I joined because I wanted to be somewhere I’d really stand out as a c*nt. There were already too many in the Tory party at the time.

  315. 315
    Gordon Brownfinger says:

    Have you seen what history lecturers earn?

  316. 316
    Vlad the Impaler says:

    Because I wanted to be with like minded people

  317. 317
    P Toynbee says:

    For the champers, darling.

  318. 318
    Cato Street Conspirator says:

    Point it at London and set it for 45 minutes, Bob.

  319. 319
    Jack 'Knobhead' Straw says:

    I joined the party to permanently fuck up Britain, as all good Marxists dream of doing.

    My speciality within the party had been shitting on the English, for whom I have a particular loathing. Roll on ethnic replacement.

  320. 320
    B Boyd says:

    Me too.

  321. 321
    Polly Toynbee says:

    To meet other champagne socialists.

  322. 322
    Cato Street Conspirator says:

    Come on Blunkett, you can’t fool us just by putting on a posh accent.

  323. 323

    It was the only party that recognised my carrier bag, two bricks and empty beer cans as intellectually significant and in tune with its political direction.

  324. 324
    nell says:

    http://www.bbc.co.uk/blogs/dailypolitics/andrewneil/

    Ed Miliband – because I wanted to save the world from man-made global warming.

    Yes yes I know that some people at the UEA told lies about climate change statistics, and I know that the UN’s IPCC have just been found out for telling more lies about melting himalayan glaciars which aren’t melting and hurricanes and floods which proper scientists are saying are not affected by global warming but just look, I get to mix with all those brainy scientists at IPCC which makes me look intellectual.

    What’s that you say? Mr Pachauri, the Chairman of the IPCC isn’t really a scientist he’s a railway engineer!! Well nobody will know that if we don’t tell them.

  325. 325
    Cato Street Conspirator says:

    Nestor, I thought you were in the Ukraine.

  326. 326

    Alistair Darling : I was moved – to a bigger house.

    Gordon Brown: Father! I will win your love.I will. FAAATHEEEEERRRR!

    Jacqui Smith : To spend more time with my sister’ family.

    Lord Goldsmith: I used to think it was to help poor people but suddenly I just changed my mind and decided it was to help rich people. No reason, just changed it.

    Flint: When Allders closed I lost my job. Where can an unemployed window dresser get a job, I thought…

    Ainsworth : ‘cos KFC hadn’t any vacancies.

    Blair: The Lib Dems made a good offer, which the Tories beat. But when I saw the quality of the hierarchy at Labour HQ, well, I was in.

    Prescott. Why did I join the Labour party?
    Well,insofar as a person of ‘umble background, like me, and me dad, and his dad, and his dad, and his dad, well I won’t labour the point, you get the drift of it, insofar as an ordinary man could be interested by politics, like me, a very ordinary man indeed..not a toff, not an old eton onion or a royalty, not that I’m against rich people, but they have to pay their fair share..I mean if earned a million quid, which I don’t, not at all, far from it ..not even a tenth of that, well , how much is a tenth? really ? That much! Well maybe i earn two tenths then. but I EARN that see. Not given on a silver plate,like David Cameron and his boiled egg holder and butler and rich man’s bicycle, I sweat for my money. Look at these armpits. Soaked through! Go on ,luv, have a sniff…phwarr, lovely. That’s working class sweat that is. from hard toil. And maybe fro a big lunch.
    So that answers your question, OK?

  327. 327
    MB. says:

    A Daily Telegraph blog reports that Labour were asking for photographs to illustrate the achievements of the Labour government – hospitals, schools etc. Unfortunately many people just saw the “achievement” of having many photographers stopped by the police as terrorists for photographing public buildings so uploaded images of their Stop and Search forms.

    Labour: Change we see but you can’t photograph

    http://blogs.telegraph.co.uk/culture/kateday/100006399/labour-change-we-see-but-you-cant-photograph/

  328. 328
    Jack Straw says:

    The Law Society said that I was too lacking in morals to pursue a legal career, so that only left….

  329. 329
    Woking Class man says:

    Fuck knows why, I’m the only one here who has to work for a living and has no money.

  330. 330
    Cato Street Conspirator says:

    I really do think it’s unfair that Tory MPs don’t get expenses and a pension. What’s that? They do?

  331. 331
    bird with small brain says:

    I didn’t. My brain’s not THAT small.

  332. 332
    nell says:

    Bob aintbustingut – where else could I get a job where claiming £350,000 in expenses was allowed?

  333. 333
    EC1 PhD says:

    John Prescott: having circumcised the world as a steward, I wanted to make a contributory effect to the life of the common man. I joined the ranks of the labour party to relevise the aspirating ‘pick yourself up and dust yourself off’ manterings of conference, to extensify my goodwilly to comrades in my arms and see an end to the hypocriticous manifest jasons of the Tory party.

  334. 334
    the reality is says:

    … given that on the whole they are a talentless, below standard ugly, martyr syndrome bunch of nomarks – where else could they possibly go?

  335. 335
    Toenails Robinson says:

    Woz it u wot outed me, Pollytwaddle?

  336. 336
    Mr Bad example says:

    Prescott. Because I have no Penis.

    Bliar. Because telling people what to do gives me wood.

  337. 337
    Prescott's Great Great (Great) Grandfather says:

    I’m with your sister too.

  338. 338
    Old Nick Heavenly(real dimwit) says:

    t bliar

    i want to be president of europe and as soon as they create the post for the fourth president then i will be

  339. 339
    The IMF is coming says:

    What about your husband?

  340. 340
    the reality is says:

    i said ALL the rest – get with the programme and take that chip off your shoulder. Most Labour MP’s would never be able to get a job in the private sector which would be so well renumerated.

  341. 341
    fruitcake says:

    Gordon Brown – because I’m against the capitalist west
    Rosie Winterton – because I want to be held against Prezza
    Baroness Scotland – because I’m against illegal immigration
    Ed Milliband – because I’m against global warming
    David Milliband – because I’m against, um, oh, ah er Geography

  342. 342
    Mr Bad example says:

    Claire Short. ‘Mate, it was the only way I was going to get a shag’
    See all MP’s for that one

  343. 343
    Anonymous says:

    The real comments on the labour site are just as funny:

    http://www.labour.org.uk/why_im_labour

    “I believe in ideology , not pragmatism.”

    Following ideology blindly where common sense, logic, rationality, and facts have absolutely no place in what you do/think; yep, that’s labour supporters all right.

  344. 344
    Hattie the hottie says:

    Both – and at the same time :-}

  345. 345
    Disco Biscuit says:

    Peter Mandelson Because my nickname was already “rosebud”, so I thought it would be apt.

  346. 346

    In character as requested.

    Typical BBC answering the question as prepped by the Downing Street Press Office.

    I could do Toenails’ job. Piece of piss.

  347. 347
    Quentin Belltower-Davies says:

    ‘Towering record’ ??

    Pull the other one, it’s got bells on.

  348. 348
    Brown - not long now says:

    Gordon Brown;

    “Because like me,it never works”

  349. 349
    Dick Scratcher says:

    Adam Crozier to run ITV !!!

    He gave Sven Goran Erikson a £5m pa contract. Very clever.

    He has fucked up Royal Mail. He was given the job by Alan Leighton (ex Mars, Leeds United, Last Minute.com & Asda).

    He now has the ITV job. He has been given the job by Archie fucking Norman (ex Asda, McKinsey [with W Hague of course])…and no, Norman & Leighton were NOT responsible for turning round Asda.

    Do these berks just follow each other around giving each other jobs and generous packages?

    Or was Alexei Sayle right when he said that they all meet in a big board room and get off by slamming each other’s cocks in the door?

  350. 350
    Lord Levy says:

    Oy Vey

  351. 351
    Anonymous says:

    Because I’m bone idle and I want the State to pay for my upkeep and have the rich toffs pay for the life-style that I’d like to be come accustomed to.

  352. 352
    Rasputin says:

    Because before forgiveness and redemption, first comes sin!

  353. 353
    Wills Traw says:

    Dad, you’re always so hard on yourself.

  354. 354
    Not Ideologically Driven Taliban says:

    We are joining the famous UK Labour party to get on benefits especially the

    ” economic opportunities for those that are not ideologically driven, but are mercenaries. This could be alternative livelihoods or houses ”

    Our ideology is to get benefits just like UK ..very nice thankyou.

    http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1246639/Taliban-bribed-jobs-houses-330m-plan-stabilise-Afghanistan.html#ixzz0dujKX78D

  355. 355
    concrete pump says:

    (laugh)!

  356. 356
    Mrs Brown says:

    ‘love’ all

  357. 357
    nell says:

    harpy harriet – because the other parties wouldn’t have me.

  358. 358
    andy stewart says:

    now maybe, that’s the right thing to do…!!

  359. 359
    The Butcher Of Beaconsfield says:

    (Any of them) Because I read Orwell’s Animal Farm, and thought “That’s a good idea!”

  360. 360
    Mandroid # 4 says:

    As much as I despise Blair and his vile wife, George Monbiot (the creator of that site) deserves to be kicked to a violent death.

    I bet the snivelling little streak of yellow shite wouldn’t dare lay a hand on Blair himself – probably wouldn’t venture within 50 yards of his protected cordon – yet he sits in his grubby home, wanking away at his computer at the thought of someone else doing his bidding.

  361. 361
    Brown and out says:

    O/T but rather relevant,as Labour never worked and certainly won’t be in the future.

    Guess the newspaper with this headline;

    “More job losses amid fears recession will blight Britain for years to come

    AstraZeneca, Shop Direct and Toyota all cut more jobs as experts warn that unemployment could rise for many more years”

    Yes,it’s Polly’s very own…….

  362. 362
    Joe Public says:

    You’re depressed

  363. 363
    IsThisTooObvious says:

    Gordon Brown: – “To save the world”

  364. 364
    RnDave says:

    Gordon Brown: Myself and President Obama discussed this on the telephone and he agreed with me that it was the right thing to do. Thanks to the steps I’ve taken to join the party we have 4 new jobs, 123456789 businesses did not go under and all memebers of my family have Sky TV. I am leading the world in following President Obama and am proud to join the labour party alongside him. We took the necessary steps despite the torys who savagely refuse to join labour and are only interested in membership of the conservative party!

  365. 365
    nell says:

    Someone else has just posted on there – because of gordon brown his leadership and vision!!!

    +++Laugh+++

  366. 366
    Sir William Waad says:

    Charles Clarke: “Because it was fashionable to be a leftie when I was up at Cambridge.” Not funny, but true.

  367. 367
    Nick Booth says:

    Why did I join New Labour?

    As the song goes:

    “Money for nothing and the chicks are free.”

    I said that should have been our anthem. But as usual per bloody usual, Peter bloody Mandelson said he knew better.

    Well Peter, who’s been proved right now?

  368. 368
    blondini says:

    Mandelson: “I’m in the LABOUR party??? Shit, get me Cameron on the phone…”

  369. 369
    tommy says:

    Now this is priceless thanks for posting lol!!!!

  370. 370
    Ger Kar says:

    Fool Willas : so the delectable Miss Lumley could show how impotent* I am

    * er. important

  371. 371
    Gordon Brown MP for MP for Kirkcaldy & Cowdenbeath says:

    It was the right thing to do – Jus` Like That

  372. 372
    Dai Rhea says:

    Fat-arse Prescott actually polluted Prestatyn by being born there but luckily the family fucked off to England.

  373. 373
    Patrick Stewart says:

    We are Laborg. Resistance is futile.

  374. 374
    Gordon Brown says:

    I’m a PC and Windows 7 was my idea

  375. 375
    Wise Monkey says:

    Mandy: Because it looked good on my building society mortgage application

  376. 376
    Maladroit Labour Chump says:

    NOW we know what Pravda employees are tapping on their computers all day.

  377. 377
    Lil Olmey says:

    Can’t work out whether the comments are posted by ZNL trolls or are meant as satire, or ….. surely no-one could be that thick ???

  378. 378
    Casual conspiritor says:

    Arse!

  379. 379
    Cabinet Member says:

    I joined Labour so that I could have power to:-

    • Destroy the Monarchy and give up the UK’s Sovereignty
    • Destroy the upper classes
    • Destroy excellence and elitism
    • Destroy education esp grammar schools
    • Enable the Many to obtain First Class degrees in Dancing
    • Ban the Bomb
    • Destroy the lower working classes by diluting the national blood with imports
    • Ban all things traditional and rural esp country sports
    • Ban the production of meat by promoting vegetarianism and animal diseases such as Foot & Mouth and bovine TB
    • Tax businesses and people until the pips squeak
    • Rebuild everything in society and communities in our own image whilst ensuring that everyone is dependent upon the State
    .
    These Labour Party Policies are built on the four pillars:
    .
    Envy, prejudice, ignorance and hatred

  380. 380
    Ideological comfort blanket says:

    ‘cos Scientology is too expensive

  381. 381
    NuAttack Dog says:

    this one has given me the biggest smirk thus far

  382. 382
    jgm2 says:

    as experts warn that unemployment could rise for many more years

    Can you guess whose fault that is going to be?

  383. 383
    Anonymous says:

    Do these berks just follow each other around giving each other jobs and generous packages?

    Yes

    Or was Alexei Sayle right when he said that they all meet in a big board room and get off by slamming each other’s cocks in the door?

    Yes, this too is correct.

  384. 384
    TheCourtOfPublicOpinion says:

    Phil Woolas: “Free tampons and ladies clothes”.

  385. 385
    Baroness Uddin says:

    Suckers!!!

  386. 386
    Hugh Jeego says:

    Rhtyming slang, there, Mr Plum?

  387. 387
    streamfisher says:

    Gordon Brown why did you join the Labour Party? Because I hate people, millions of people and that was the quickest way to get my revenge, I read that it worked for others in History books, but I’m not like them I’m too clever to get strung up or put in front of a firing squad… Marr, can I just interrupt you there Sir, the err medication thing, no worries along that front?

  388. 388
    Hugh Jeego says:

    Or even “rhyming”.

  389. 389
    Jack Dromey says:

    The Beard said it was a good gig

  390. 390
    TheCourtOfPublicOpinion says:

    Quentin Davies: “My Bell end needed maintenance so why not get it for free, what-ho!”.

  391. 391
    Georgia Gould says:

    OMG! Yes!!!

  392. 392
    Nick2 says:

    ‘My enemy’s enemy is my friend’ – at least, for now…

  393. 393
    Kerry McCarthy says:

    For the poor Somalis

  394. 394
    Widows Mite says:

    I was suffering from piles at the time and a nice young man called Tone, with big ears, affected smile and a slightly feminine affectation promised that joining the party would cure anything that anybody was suffering from.
    The shame is that it was only later when I saw a constant stream of the living dead entering cabinet posts that I realised just how truly he had spoken.
    p.s. I’ve still got piles and no longer support Labour.

  395. 395
    The IMF is coming says:

    Must be made up. Can’t be for real.

    Oops I seem to have put my own thoughts on there by mistake

    BTW Cheryl Coal supports GB according to the Mirror

  396. 396
    Another quote from Liebours website - god help them says:

    “Having never experienced a tory government in my adult life, I’ve primarily been Labour because of my family. Blind political voting is dangerous and I’m pleased to say that Labour now have my vote not because my father convinces me so, but because I can visibly see the positive influence their policies have on society. I’m proud to vote for the Labour party who, regardless of popularity, will pursue what is right. The smoking ban, the minimum wage, the hunting ban, the successful 2012 London Olympics bid, Liverpool 2008 Capital of Culture, the substantial investment in education and health – all of these have happened under Labour’s watch. Labour’s investment and dedication to improving society really does make a difference and, for that reason, Gordon Brown has my full support. Spread the word, people. Let’s continue to make Great Britain great under a Labour government.”

  397. 397
    Lord Sainsbury says:

    …….good question, er…………

  398. 398
    Ed Balls says:

    To get away from my wife…

    It didn’t work!

  399. 399
    Barry Sheerman says:

    For the boys

  400. 400
    Blue Rosette says:

    Opus Dei?

  401. 401
    Idiots united says:

    Crikey – three idiots together – what is that called – a pile of shit?

  402. 402
    Postal Vote says:

    I want to be in line for retrospective pay rises, including for my pension!

    Unfortunately I’m not joking – this will be voted on on Monday and all parties seem to be in favour.
    Fortunately I decided a few years ago I had enough and I’m not paying tax anymore (don’t worry, i’ve not joined the public non-jobs sector, where you are a net tax receiver despite PAYE on your slip).

  403. 403
    Nick2 says:

    Peter Mandelson – “because the Tories were embarrassed by my links to big business”

  404. 404
    I vote Labour says:

    I vote Labour because even though I have the intelligence and capacity for hard work I would rather do other other things with my time and rely on others to fund my lifestyle.

    The downside is that because I have to rely on other to fund my lifestyle it is necessary to despise them and therefore I have to vote for a party who will tax the “providers” them within inches of destruction, I require special taxation for things such as luxury cars and expensive houses that really get my back up.

  405. 405
    Idiots even more united says:

    You want to know where the 30% are who will vote for the fraudster Brown?

    Take a look at Liebour’s website;

    “I lived most of my child hood under a Tory goverment where my parents struggled. Since we have been under a Labour Goverment Britain has been a much fairer place and Gordon Brown is a decent, honest man.”

    See – even a hoodie supports them.

  406. 406
    jgm2 says:

    800bn quid in debt. A deficit of 200bn quid this year and next and jackasses write shit like they’ll be voting for Labour because of ‘the hunting ban’. Surely this arsehole is ‘doing a Polly’ ie taking the piss.

  407. 407
    Baroness Scotland says:

    so I could employ ethnic slaves below minimum wage

  408. 408
    julian gardner says:

    they are not taking negative posts, what a shame

  409. 409
    julian gardner says:

    i liked this one

    “I teained and worked as a teacher under the Tories”

    hope he was not an english teacher :-)

    joolz

  410. 410
    Lord Fondlebum of Boy says:

    Blair: To devastate the Euphrates with radioactive ordnance

  411. 411
    Australian says:

    Quite – it conjures images like the accounts of pilots in the RFC during the Great War trying to shoot down Zeppelins with the machine gun on a Sopwith Camel. Most of the bullets would just bounce off.

    You also had to be very careful that you didn’t fly in too close to the Zeppelin to get a “lucky shot” through, otherwise you would be engulfed in the ensuing explosion. I think a shot that somehow made it through Prescnut’s rolls of flab would result in a more disgusting and apocalyptic explosion than a large bag of hydrogen!

  412. 412
    Anonymous says:

    I hadn’t read the Sky News site, when I posted that, but this just shows ZanU Laybuh for what it is:

    Benefits Blunder: 10 People Get £1m Too Much

    12:40pm UK, Thursday January 28, 2010

    Ruth Barnett, Sky News Online
    The Government has accidentally paid £1m too much in benefits to just 10 people, it has emerged.

    Money

    A taskforce attempts to get benefits overpayments back

    The Department for Work and Pensions has admitted it is trying to get the money back.

    Five of the people who received too much income support cash owe more than £100,000 each.

    The biggest amount owed by a single claimant is £136,567.94.

    A taskforce has been set up to retrieve overpayments worth more than £10,000, Junior Minister Helen Goodman told Parliament.

    The DWP manages to to claw back between £180m and £280m a year. Around £800m worth of benefits are wrongly paid out every year.

  413. 413
    I vote Labour too says:

    And also although I have never seen a fox outside of a Beatrix Potter adaptation I think they look really cute so I want rich people to be stopped from killing them. Because it offends my strong sense of morals.

    Paradoxically though I have no problem at all with abortion.

  414. 414
    Nestor Mahkhno says:

    until I escape to Paris,

  415. 415
    ShoutsAtTheTVwhenGordo'sOn says:

    Heheh..Well he is more “Cyclops” than “Hawkeye”

  416. 416
    Kerry McCarthy says:

    I joined to be with other like-minded twats. I also like bullying and Gordon Brown is my hero

  417. 417
    Anonymous says:

    Jacqui Smith – Because I’m worth it.

  418. 418
    Blue Rosette says:

    I don’t know what the scribe was smoking but clearly Labour have forgotten to ban it

  419. 419
    Sting's Beard says:

    and you’ve never worked since, Says it all

  420. 420
    Australian says:

    Oh, how true.
    …and precisely the way Blair would have calculated things.

  421. 421
    jgm2 says:

    Do you see the power of the BBC?

    How could anybody characterise Brown as ‘honest’? How? How is that possible? Even the Grauniad doesn’t stoop that low in its propaganda. That only leaves ‘The Mirror’ and the BBC.

    ‘Honest’?

    ‘Honest’?

    What the fuck would dishonest look like?

  422. 422
    Richard Timney says:

    To get off on state funded porn

  423. 423
    Jeeves says:

    Right you are sir.

  424. 424
    Henry Crun says:

    You learn something new everyday on Guido’s site.

    I thought a vernacular was one of those railways that helps trains go up mountainsides.

  425. 425
    Lord Sainsbury says:

    Ive never tasted a banana but I just know that oranges are better. Makes sense?

  426. 426
    streamfisher says:

    Those apparatchiks usually can’t spell, must be a plant from the politburo.
    Lets continue to make Great Britain grate [sic] under a Labour Government.

  427. 427
    Australian says:

    “live off the earnings of others (which makes me a Whore I suppose)”

    No, Prescnut, it makes you a pimp.

  428. 428
    Brown, N. says:

    Good point!

  429. 429
    Anonymous says:

    Because no one else would have me.

  430. 430
    TheCourtOfPublicOpinion says:

    Mohammed Patel : “So I can bring over half my village for free food, housing and clothing without them even having to learn English, whilst enjoying the democratic right to protest in the streets about how evil the West is without fear of recrimination”.

  431. 431
    Gordon ( SoldGoldAtThe ) BottomBrown says:

    The Americans ! IT ALL started in America. Margaret Thatcher then came along and made it all much worse. Then I arrived on the scene and saved the world
    ( except N.Ireland )

  432. 432
    Anonymous says:

    Spot on

  433. 433
    It was my post says:

    Oh and I forgot to say that Labour make the best apple pie

  434. 434
    Anonymous says:

    No way to compete with the real reasons people give. Although not a single one of them has mentioned starting two wars then not funding them yet – may be that was just the leadership and not the “rank ‘n file”?

  435. 435
    Anonymous says:

    Throw in Dianne Abbot and Margaret Hodge for good measure

  436. 436
    Grammar School Boy says:

    …and Europe!!

  437. 437
    It was my post says:

    And Oh……..mummy washes dishes at Buckingham Palace

  438. 438
    TheCourtOfPublicOpinion says:

    Blurtin’ Bob Ainsworth: “Well it beats a life in the army”.

  439. 439
    jgm2 says:

    Oh. And the ‘smoking ban’. What a c*nt. Only happy when they’re telling people how to live their lives. And delighted about the fucking Olympics. Another 20bn quid down the drain for a ginat two week fucking Sports Day. No country or city in history has made money out of the Olympics.

    ‘Winning’ the Olympics is like spending a million quid on lottery tickets and then going on the piss because you won 25,000 pounds back. A lot like squandering 300bn quid and celebrating the end of recession off the back of 300 million quid of ‘growth’. And even that anaemic ‘growth’ was entirely wiped out by inflation over the quarter.

  440. 440
    Grammar School Boy says:

    …actually that sounds like a rather good reason.

  441. 441
    rocknrolla says:

    He is the worst kind of guardianista with no idea about the real world.

    And I know it is all being done under the nonsense of “international law” but Blair lied to the country and Parliament, he has sent many men to their deaths. Sometimes wars are necessary, some may argue this one was, but as an absolute minimum we should know why we’re going there and have honesty from the politicians. Blair lied – who knows how things might have gone had people known the truth.

    I despise Monbiot but I donated £20 anyway since I would like to see some news stories featuring Blair’s arrest (or more likely the beating his bodyguards administer to anyone coming within 20′) and the fact that he’ll be referred to as a war criminal and it will haunt him forever.

  442. 442
    Busted Nokia says:

    BBC are nothing but a mouthpiece for the left with a disingenuous homage towards
    impartiality. I’ve given up listening to them for news, preferring American sources. A common view there is Britain is a socialist country despite having a so called conservative party.

  443. 443
    The IMF is coming says:

    They are all handpicked – the page hasn’t changed for the last half hour

  444. 444
    streamfisher says:

    Honest Joe Stalin?, I’m just a regular kinda mass murderer, Sorry, getting myself mixed up with Tony Blair, its so confusing.

  445. 445
    Ashdown ...... says:

    I’d call that ethnic cleansing ! Wouldn’t you?

  446. 446
    Headmaster says:

    Capital ‘L’ for Labour, lower case ‘t’ for tory. Probably an English teacher (English as in a language, not real English)

  447. 447
    Maladroit Labour Chump says:

    EVERY Geordie supports New Liebour. More than 60% are on the State teat in one way or another.

  448. 448
    jgm2 says:

    The fucking lunatic has today ‘set a deadline’ of mid 2011 to ‘turn the tide’ in Afghanistan.

    http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/south_asia/8484212.stm

    What the fuck is he talking about? Like the Taleban are going to be sitting in their cave reading a copy of ‘The Times’ over breakfast and listening to Radio Four and give it ‘Fuck me, he’s serious this time chaps – he’s set a deadline…’

    What kind of fucking delusional parallel universe does he inhabit?

    A deadline of mid-2011 or…. ….you’ll what? Set another deadline?

    For fuck’s sake.

  449. 449
    Simon R says:

    That’s fucking hilarious and eerily true!

  450. 450

    Because I am :

    a) a deluded “caring” sociopath
    b) an in denial authoritarian champagne socialist
    c) a sincere but naive person who’s nan was likewise
    d) an envy riddled spiteful git
    e) all of the above [X]

    the above form has been filled in for you because we, the Labour Party, are all of the above too.

  451. 451
    Bella Heap says:

    Ronnie Campbell: To improve the quality of reasoned debate and exist on no more than a miner’s wage.

  452. 452
    Anonymous says:

    The EU

  453. 453
    anon,anon,anon.... says:

    I think she favours the mother.

  454. 454
    Michael Martin (Baron Martin of Springburn) says:

    to prove that incompetence is no bar to the highest office

  455. 455
    Maladroit Labour Chump says:

    and those are just the overpayments they’re prepared to fess up to…..

    Now Gormless Gordon had driven us to the brink of bankruptcy he’s desperately trying to get some back……Am awaiting the announcement from 10 Dooming Street that the gummunt have taken 100,000 people off the unemployment register and given them all ‘jobs’ to visit every household in order to help you feel round the back of the sofa for those lost coins……

  456. 456
    jgm2 says:

    I’ve discovered a campaign song for Labour.

    Apart from the obvious ‘Yooooou’re shiiiiiiit and you know you aaaaaare’…

  457. 457
    Simon R says:

    Tony Blair: I joined up because Peter threatened to tell everyone that we slept together unless I did……

  458. 458
    JMT says:

    That is called a thicket.

  459. 459
    Gordon Brown says:

    I think you’ll find it was me who settled that one.

  460. 460
    Pole Star says:

    National Socialism ?

  461. 461
    Schweinhund says:

    You should have married a woman instead mate, but then anyone who looks and acts like Damian from The Omen can’t be too choosy..

  462. 462
    Not Ideologically Driven Taliban says:

    In my cave here, reading London Times on my ipod, thankyou very much.

    I want to know how I am getting famous Housing Benefit for 15 years as promised by London Prime Minister.

    Is Form arriving for me to fill in in June 2011 or is famous Social Worker coming with veil to assess needs before then?

  463. 463
    Schweinhund says:

    Shaun Woodward: Because I was born to govern (and my old friends told me to fuck off)

  464. 464
    Australian says:

    Ah, the old Tuscan political jockey pun!

    Molto bene, Antonio.

  465. 465
    Walter Mitty says:

    Keir Hardie: It seemed like a good idea at the time……

  466. 466
    Hard working ( 6 months paternity leave) man says:

    I quite liked the song ” Things can only get ( now what was it?).”

  467. 467
    streamfisher says:

    Baroness Bristol? (circa 1650).

  468. 468
    The Ultra Montaines says:

    Asinius Asinium Fricat

  469. 469
    Not Ideologically Driven Taliban says:

    I am forgetting to ask important question:

    Is famous Meals on Wheels being made available ?

    Housing Allowance also needs to make sure we have plenty of bedrooms for non-ideologically driven brothers and of course famous Sky Sports like you are getting .

  470. 470
    Michael Martin (Baron Martin of Springburn) says:

    conceeded, you are right, great leader..

  471. 471
    Derek Draper says:

    I joined because they sent me to Berkeley

  472. 472
    Gordon Brezhnev says:

    Where there is initiative, we will Health & Safety it
    Where there is goodwill, we will CRB check it
    Where there is Community Spirit, we will multi-culturalise it
    Where there is patriotism, we will demonise it
    Where there are close-knit communities, we will ghettoise it
    Where there is trust, we will Data Protect it,
    Where there is national pride, we will eschew it

  473. 473
    Schweinhund says:

    *PC blue screens*

  474. 474
    Australian says:

    You wanted to pick a fight with poor kids? Shame on you.

  475. 475
    Ed Balls says:

    Because I look like a cod, and I heard everyone had chips on their shoulder.

  476. 476
    Jeremyb says:

    Keith Vaz: To atone for the fact that I was sent to public school (Latymer Upper School) and that my real name is Nigel (too posh).

    Prawn Dimarola: So that people might think I was intelligent

  477. 477
    The IMF is coming says:

  478. 478
    Australian says:

    Well, that went well, didn’t it KH?

  479. 479
    Shaun Woodward says:

    because my principles are even lower than my IQ

  480. 480
    The IMF is coming says:

    Afghanistan is landlocked

  481. 481
    Damian McBride says:

    I will tell you
    if
    you give me a job.

  482. 482
    Name decidedly optional says:

    It’s like reading those ‘personal’ reviews which purport to reflect someone’s real experience but which coincidentally, just happen to mention all the main selling points of the product.

    Return to Central Drafting, please …

  483. 483
    Jack the Straw says:

    It’s because I couldn’t get any respect – not my dad, not my mam, not the kids at school. Then I discovered student politics – what a relief. But then it was the same old thing from the lawyers. Of course I get respect now – I got to shake Mugabe’s hand didn’t I? and may I remind you that Condoleeza Rice slept on the airplane floor so I could have her bed. Secretary of State – sheesh – nice girl, but strange, kept referring to Bush as “my husband”. Very odd. I think it’s beginning to dawn on me that there might be people more abused than me.

  484. 484
    A Blair says:

    God told me to. At least that’s what I think he said.

  485. 485
    Peter C says:

    Prezza: Because how is is a working class lad to learn croquet.

  486. 486
    jgm2 says:

    Luckily for them. Otherwise the yanks would have simply stormed up the beach on 9/12 instead of having to fuck about getting agreement from PKSt*n.

    Zimbabwe is the same I suspect. I don’t think Blair could have resisted storming the beach there to rid them of their Maximum Imbecile.

    That really would be a country deposed of its idiot mass-murdering leader without a shot being fired. Well – maybe one.

  487. 487
    Ken Clarke MP3 says:

    I joined the Tories so I could lsten to Lennie Tristano’e Intution

    [audio src="http://www.destination-out.com/media/tracks/Tristano_Intuition.mp3" /]

  488. 488
    streamfisher says:

    Disillusioned labour card carrier; So we could all do a re-enactment of the closing scenes of The Wicker Man, election 2010.

  489. 489
    ShoutsAtTheTVwhenGordo'sOn says:

    Hahah.. You’ve built a “Prescottalizer”, haven’t you?.. (Turns normal speak into jibberish.)

    Don’t you realise the danger such a machine could do to the World?!… Oops, too late

  490. 490
    Peter C says:

    Harman: To get rid of all men

  491. 491
    Australian says:

    “The DWP manages to to claw back between £180m and £280m a year. Around £800m worth of benefits are wrongly paid out every year.”

    So that’s OK, only £520m – £620m per annum lost forever then! I know that’s only small change to McBust & Co, but it would be cheaper to throw the cash out of Bernanke’s helicopters and sack all the morons who “administer” the payments.

  492. 492
    ShoutsAtTheTVwhenGordo'sOn says:

    A: Zero.

    (Like a bad smell, he just stuck around.)

  493. 493
    Mis-judgement or what ? says:

    “I am looking forward to joining the[ Labour] party with which I have found increasingly I am naturally in agreement and which has just acquired a leader I have always greatly admired, who I believe is entirely straightforward, and who has a towering record, and a clear vision for the future of our country which I fully share.” – Quentin Davies(soon to be ex MP for Grantham)

  494. 494
    Batty Hattie Harmanescu says:

    Tony Blair: Because I saw the opportunity to betray my country in return for wealth beyond the dreams of even my avarice.

    Charles Falconer: I was instructed to do so by my handler.

    Harriet Harman: Because it made me feel better about being born without a penis. However, these days it doesn’t seem to be working for me.

    Lord Goldsmith: I read a book about Vidkun Quisling. He was seen by many as the most despised traitor of his time. I saw that as a challenge. I am sure you will agree, that I have outquislinged Quisling.

  495. 495
    Prim Dawnarolo says:

    My real name is Dimma Prawnarolo.

  496. 496
    Gordon the Yokel says:

    “It was the right thing to do !”

  497. 497
    Quimhead says:

    Yvette Cooper: Because it was the right thing to do.
    Brown: Because I’m getting on with the job
    Ainsworth: errr, yellow?

  498. 498
    Phil (Cotton) Woolarse says:

    Oh yes !! All within the rules.

  499. 499
    Xavier_Cola_Frio says:

    Michael Portillo

    “Because I wanted the chance to sit next to a real fat lady”

  500. 500
    Two by two says:

    To balance out the idiots in the Conservative party.

  501. 501
    Four-eyed English Genius says:

    James Gordon Brown Ph.D. (Failed, or should have been!):
    Because I want to botty-bonk the English

    Prezza:
    For t’pies, t’rumpy-pumpy and t’croquet

    Josef Stalin:
    They are my kind of people.

  502. 502
    Mad Jock McMad says:

    Darling – who’d want to be a solicitor

    Brown – no one else would employ me

    Mandelson – The Rothschild’s told me to

    Harman – because someone has to fight for wimmin

  503. 503

    Tony Benn:- “The hereditary principle”

    Shaun Woodward:- “Because they’re in power dummy”

    Most of the rest 30 years ago:- “Because working for the Labour Party is more comfortable than working for the trade union, and working for the trade union was more comfortable that working in a trade”.

    Most of the rest 20 years ago:- “Thatcher”

    Most of the rest 10 years ago:- “Because saying you’re a Tory makes it much harder to get laid at university”

  504. 504
    Unsworth says:

    That’ll be the facial beard?

  505. 505

    The wonderfully named Quimhead has the winner:

    Ainsworth: errr, yellow?

  506. 506
    Agony Aunt says:

    You must and get over this bad experience not all Gentlemen are complete rotters, shove them back up with a broomstick handle and get on with your life again, you owe it to yourself.
    Further correspondence will not be replied to.

  507. 507
    genghiz the kahn says:

    no 10 has announced that gordon brown’s engagements include an inspection of the new afghan navy on wednesday, followed by a deal to improve windsurfing facilities for deprived afghani children.

  508. 508
  509. 509
    Kennington_End says:

    Hazel Blears:

    “I did it all for the little guys”

  510. 510
    next slide please, d-day says:

    Possible song for Brown….

    Pink Floyd (1973) Dark Side of the Moon
    Brain Damage
    (Waters)

    The lunatic is on the grass.
    The lunatic is on the grass.
    Remembering games and daisy chains and laughs.
    Got to keep the loonies on the path.

    The lunatic is in the hall.
    The lunatics are in my hall.
    The paper holds their folded faces to the floor
    And every day the paper boy brings more.

    And if the dam breaks open many years too soon
    And if there is no room upon the hill
    And if your head explodes with dark forebodings too
    I’ll see you on the dark side of the moon.

    The lunatic is in my head.
    The lunatic is in my head
    You raise the blade, you make the change
    You re-arrange me ’til I’m sane.
    You lock the door
    And throw away the key
    There’s someone in my head but it’s not me.

    And if the cloud bursts, thunder in your ear
    You shout and no one seems to hear.
    And if the band you’re in starts playing different tunes
    I’ll see you on the dark side of the moon.

    “I can’t think of anything to say except…
    I think it’s marvelous! HaHaHa!”

  511. 511
    purpleline says:

    Would that be the B/F in Canterbury, long distance sex chat on the Taxpayer, beware the squidgy tapes

  512. 512
    Chavscum says:

    So my wife can claim for my masturbation habit

  513. 513
    Margaret_Skkratcher says:

    David Blunkett’s Dog – “You know he’s given me fleas”

  514. 514
    Unsworth says:

    And all sorts of diseases – some of them curable.

  515. 515
    The_Axe_Man says:

    Margaret a Beckett

    ‘To get my own back for what they did to Thomas’

  516. 516
    the reality is says:

    he only has partial vision

  517. 517
    Unsworth says:

    Depends where you live. Plenty of foxes in the suburbs – of all types.

  518. 518
    Unsworth says:

    Piles of what?

  519. 519
    The_Axe says:

    Esther Rantzen:

    “Not if I have anything to do with it!!!”

  520. 520
    Unsworth says:

    PC 49?

  521. 521
    Anonymous says:

    As a career criminal I lead a hazardous life.
    Labour Party membership is the best insurance cover that money can buy.

  522. 522
    Collage_Kid says:

    David Lammy:

    “I didnt even know where England was till someone showed me”

  523. 523
    Unsworth says:

    Is she some sort of party girl? Any pics?

  524. 524
    ron vibentrop says:

    It’s like a verruca, only it’s on your bollocks.

  525. 525
    Unsworth says:

    Handpicked? Like Brown’s nostrils then.

  526. 526
    Where's Woody says:

    Mental Health Problems

  527. 527
    Helen Wright says:

    To fuck the English up their arses and steal their taxes

  528. 528
    Daz says:

    I wanted to be a laughing stock when I grew up and am.
    I wanted to do something with my life and help others line my pocket.
    I wanted to make a difference but failed.
    I was sick of seeing the wealthy getting wealthier so did it myself.
    I wanted to whine about social injustice and broadened the gap.
    I wanted to be someone the public respected and failed big time.
    I wanted to work with talented people but got a load of deadbeats.
    I wanted to prove people wrong when they called me an wanker but couldn’t.
    I wanted to be part of a new labour movement but it was just a load of laxative.
    I wanted to be Prime Minister and succeeded

  529. 529
    Unsworth says:

    What, like employing the token cripple?

  530. 530

    Tam Dalyell:- I was bullied at Eton.

  531. 531
    Tye says:

    To stop the English getting access to new cancer drugs

  532. 532
    Unsworth says:

    Careful with that baster. You never know where it might have been.

  533. 533
    Toadlicker says:

    Woo! and Yay!

  534. 534
    Mongolot Brit says:

    Donkeys rub donkeys?

  535. 535
    Unsworth says:

    Well Poorly doesn’t appreciate your advances. Put your Marigolds on first.

  536. 536

    Now that was a breeding obvious pun!

  537. 537
    Cheese Sandwich says:

    Richness does not give you happiness, I should know, I’ve been there and now I’m going back to poorland.

  538. 538
    Unsworth says:

    I knew she was a swinger, is he one too?

  539. 539
    EC1 PhD says:

    When I was head of the department of Trainspotting, the Enviralment and the Regals, I insisticated that I would personably reductionize the number of cars on Britain’s roads. To this endeavourous end I made the difficult decision to compartpany with one of my treasureful Jags, thus earnicating myself the title of “Two Jags Prescott”. Mind you, in reflectication, it was a bad idea as Tracy’s knickers were still in the glove box.

  540. 540
    Unsworth says:

    She’s a game girl.

  541. 541
    ShoutsAtTheTVwhenGordo'sOn says:

    Funny how Lefties don’t seem to see similarity between “privilege” and “The trappings of office / power” (and the abuse, thereof).

  542. 542
    Libertarian says:

    Labour member- Because I am an paedophilic sexual deviant with a penchant for ‘Brown’ love.

  543. 543
    Mongolot Brit says:

    Good job we had Plan B on standby: sapping the morals and morale of the people by the twin processes of entryism and attrition.

    Sick of being lied to by Auntie Beeb? Welcome to free-market Russia Today on Freeview – note that our maps show all the former USSR to be anthrax-free, that our presenters speak gently lilting English and that we offer a refreshingly Global outlook upon the news.

  544. 544
    Lord Drayson says:

    For £70million

  545. 545
    Smash Labour says:

    I’d join the Labour party if I got to shag cheap fat slappers as well.

  546. 546
    Lord Myners says:

    Because I am a fat fucker and The City Tory boys all despise me.

  547. 547
    Lord Sugar says:

    Because I have made £100m by selling dodgy goods to the fuckwits at NuLab

  548. 548

    A bit contrived, I admit.

  549. 549
    EC1 PhD says:

    Towering Inferno of a record

  550. 550
    Mongolot Brit says:

    Worth checking what they were on Wikipedia for an Approve! Just their stuffy, bossing type of gel. Straight out of the top drawer via Lucie Clayton’s on the way to a marriage to a sound Country type.

  551. 551
    Not Ideologically Driven Taliban says:

    We are deciding now to join famous Labour party.

    Postal voting now available in British provinces.

    Stamps not bloody cheap but worth it.

  552. 552
    Will says:

    Harman: Because everywhere else promoted equal opportunity

  553. 553
    Flat Earther says:

    Your fooling no one Gordon but I do agree you are stark raving bonkers

  554. 554
    Anonymous says:

    And to get my hands on the odd, fit young Tunisian torso of course.

  555. 555
    ShoutsAtTheTVwhenGordo'sOn says:

    Heh.. Laborg: “You will be inseminated”

  556. 556
    Mike Law says:

    Mandelson: “So I will always be the smartest guy in the room.”

  557. 557
    streamfisher says:

    If a nice young man like Tone turned up it must have been piles of money.

  558. 558
    Mike Law says:

    Oi vey!

  559. 559
    Cato Street Conspirator says:

    Wake up. ‘ALL the rest’ was an answer to the question ‘Why did I join the Labour party’.

  560. 560
    Cato Street Conspirator says:

    If only it had been Lenin who was forced to flee to Paris and the black flag had flown over Russia.

  561. 561
    L Maguire says:

    Margaret Becket

    Because they would not let me get on new faces!

  562. 562
    L Maguire says:

    Margaret Becket

    Because I’m not two faced otherwise I would have used the other one!

  563. 563
    The big D says:

    or let you get away with suiciding scientists.

  564. 564
    Shahid Malik MP says:

    For a £750 massage chair…

  565. 565
    The big D says:

    They all join because there is no one so lonely as a single hypocrite.

    You must have more than one hypocrite in a group to ensure that nobody will tell you what you are or judge you for it.

  566. 566
    ShoutsAtTheTVwhenGordo'sOn says:

    “Balance”?

    If we’re talking weights (which I assume we must be), I think you’ll find that the belt size is far fatter on the Labour benches…

  567. 567
    Sir Barrington Minge says:

    He should be….from a noose!!!

  568. 568
    Gullible_Travels says:

    David Bercow:

    “The big boys promised me I would see deead foxes and toads there”

  569. 569
    Sir Barrington Minge says:

    JG Broon:- Well it takes a lot of effort to carve one’s place in history. I, of course, will be remembered as the worst Prime Minister since….oooh…since Tony Blair.

    Oh I am so depressed!!

    Blubb…

    Sniff…

    Oh hell, I’ve wet myself again!!

  570. 570
    Anonymous says:

    Why did I join the Labour Party ?

    To escape Criminal Prosecution.

    To live like a Lord on the back of my poor constituents.

    To shag My staff and other unknown women in the Palace of Westminster.

    To misuse Public Office.

    and to outsleaze the Tories !

    Up the Workers Brother !!!

  571. 571
    Mandacious says:

    my grandfather was a big knob in labour and I fancied a peerage.

  572. 572
    Jimmy says:

    Because I have a chin.

  573. 573
    Anonymous says:

    In fairness he had to do something after passing on Bill Gates’s new fangled windows operating system. I mean thats not like it caught on did it ?

  574. 574
    The Peter Principle says:

    You mean Like Henry the 7th suceeded Henry the 8th. ?

  575. 575
    Nestor Mahkhno says:

    Thank the double-crosser Trotsky for that. Still, we got Quiet Flows the Don out of it ;-)

  576. 576
    Prezza says:

    I enjoy banging my balls around the lawn with a very large mallett…

  577. 577
    Thrusterbuster says:

    When u end up in the lords..can we have a go with cricket bats ?

  578. 578
    The Peter Principle says:

    Actually the last line is true ” make Great Britain Great under a Labour Government “….because it isnt !

  579. 579
    Anonymous says:

    GEOFF HOON

    “Because I’m a Hunt!”

  580. 580
    boggartblog says:

    Tony Blair once told me he joined Labour because he wanted to be the one whose policies would succeed where Maggie TRhatcher’s failed and restore the poverty gap to 19th century levels.

    Labour Succeeds Where Thatcher Failed

  581. 581
    Peter Grimes says:

    ‘Honest’.

    Well Jonah McDoom won’t be allowed to put that on his (many) job applications in the future, it isn’t allowed.

  582. 582
    Peter Hain says:

    It was either that or the Tango advert

  583. 583
    Half eyed Scottish idiot says:

    Definitely the loser!!

  584. 584
    Half eyed Scottish idiot says:

    Mandelbum sucks Brazilians

  585. 585
    Give_us_better_Blogs says:

    Dianne Abbot

    I tried to get into a nunnery but couldn’t make my way through that door!
    So I joined the Labour Party. Everyone knows it is a b-r-o-a-d church!!!

  586. 586
    We_want_better_threads says:

    Socialism is like lassa fever: it focuses its beams!

  587. 587
    Jethro says:

    The Underclass: You know where you get a Verruca?
    Guess where you get a Vernacular.

  588. 588
    History_Channel says:

    Look up his life on Wikipedia

  589. 589
    Frank Field says:

    To think the unthinkable.

  590. 590
    Grammar School Boy says:

    Oi, McBride!

    You got those chairs on the desks and the gates locked yet?

  591. 591
    MILF fancier says:

    Mind you there’s precious little competition!!!!

  592. 592
    anyspliffs says:

    harriet says
    i ad a dream
    to loose my aitches and be the champion of the chavs

  593. 593
    cabinet member (anonymous) says:

    labour cabinet says

    to LICK tonys and gordons BOOTS and KISS their ARSES

    BOY WERE WE GOOD AT IT.

  594. 594
    Jack Straw says:

    It was the one place where my mediocrity would look like excellence.

  595. 595
    Prezza says:

    To shag the unshaggable

  596. 596

    You heard the man. Wait outside Jacqui.

  597. 597

    Leighton has gone from Royal Mail as well. Both left three years into their five year plan.
    Doesn’t look good.

  598. 598

    Ed Balls. So I could say endogenous growth theory, and not be thought a dick.

    Gordon Brown – To prove Margaret Thatcher wrong. You can spend your way out of debt.

  599. 599

    THE PRESCOT MAN
    HES ALREADY ACCKOLLEGED THAT HE AND ALL HIS PEOPLE AND I MIGHT SAY THE PEOPLE WITH HIM AS SELF CONFESSED TORIES WHO HAVE BEEN PLAYING CROQUET ON THE LAWNS OF THE GENTRY AND AT THE SAME TIME SNEERING AT THE POOR PEOPLE OF HULL WHO BYE THE WAY AN IT MUST BE SAID THAT ELECTED ME AN WHATSMORE MY PAULINE WITHOUT A COMMA INSIGHT

  600. 600

    I FEEL AS THOUGH I SHOLD REPLY TO THE CRITICISMS THAT HAVE BEEN ON YOUR WEBSITE SIR. FACT DURING MY SO CALLED AFFAIR WITH THE TRACY ONE DID I AS A MEMBER OR AS A MINISTER USE ANY JAG ON UNNOFICIAL BUISNESS THIS ASSERTION HURTS MY PAULINE MY WIFE OF 40 YEARS NEXT NOVEMBER AND TO WITT AS IT WHERE AND AS SUTCH TO PUT IT BLUNTLEY YOU ARE SKATING ON THIN ICE AND IF THIS ASSERTION WAS RAPEATED AS IT WAS I WOULD BE ON NO ASSERTION BUT TO SUE

  601. 601

    MODERATORS
    AS A FULL MEMBER I AND INDEED ALL MY STAFF WHO HAVE BEEN WITH ME FOR AT LEAST TWENTY YEARS AND ALL UNIONISED TAKE OFFENCE THAT YOU WOULD TAKE WHAT I HAVE SAID AND POURED OVER MY STATEMENT LIKE SOMEKINDOFA 11 PLUS ENVICULATOR AS INTELLIJENT AN ROUNDED MANN YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOU AND OR YOU AN YOUR KIND

  602. 602

    DEAR SIR
    I THINK THAT MR PRESCOTT HAS HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR BEAR BEATING. YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF. THE MAN WAS ONLY TRYING TO GIVE US AN INTEGRATED TRANSPORT SYSTEM AN WE SHOULD HAVE GIVEN HIM MORE TIME IM SURE THAT ANOTHER 15 YEARS AND HE WOULD HAVE SORTED THINGS OUT
    TRACY

  603. 603

    DEAR TRACY
    FAR BE IT FOR ME TO CAST ASSPERTIONS BUT WHAT IS YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH THE EX-MIN

  604. 604

    WELL ALL U TWITTERS
    GOINN TO BED NOW BUT REMEMBER THIS TORY CUTS COS YOUR THICK SOUNDBITES WORK WITHYA ALL AN I MEAN ALL THE PLP WICH AS A GROUP ARE STRONG BUT AS AGAINST THE TORIES ARNT AS GOOD ANITL WORK WITH GORDON
    AN NOT A COMMA INSIGHT

  605. 605
    St Jimmy says:

    Because I am a pikey Hunt.

  606. 606
    CJ says:

    “I thought a vernacular was one of those railways that helps trains go up mountainsides.”

    That’s a funicular ;)

    Shaun Woodward – because I’d join the Nazi party if I thought they had a chance of getting into power. Now, what did I do with Dave Cameron’s email address?……

  607. 607
    Hugh Jeego says:

    Neil Kinnock – because a thousand generations of Kinnocks have been members of the Labour Party

  608. 608
    Hugh Jeego says:

    Ed Milliband – because my brother told me to

    David Milliband – because by brother told me to

  609. 609
    Tory Story says:

    @505

    Bloody Briliiant

  610. 610
    The Labour Party is the only one with a name says:

    ‘In Labour, I saw something I could believe in’…… D Blunkett

  611. 611
    Rikko says:

    From an early age I realised I was stupid and was looking for somewhere to find like minded people.

  612. 612
    Barry says:

    Go Down Broon: I joined because it was the only way to get out of the manse.

  613. 613
    Lord Myners says:

    It was ripe for a cheap takeover

  614. 614
    Lord Sugar says:

    You’re ‘aving a laugh, right?

  615. 615
    Lord Mandelson says:

    Well the Tories would never have entertained a shirt-lifter like me

  616. 616
    Derry Irving says:

    Tony promised me a top job….

  617. 617
    Lord 'Charlie' Faulkner says:

    Tony promised me a top job…..

  618. 618
    Trevor Phillips says:

    I wanted to be President of the National Union of Students

  619. 619
    Phil Woolas says:

    I wanted to be President of the National Union of Students

  620. 620
    Jack Straw says:

    I wanted to be President of the National Union of Students

  621. 621
    Charles Clarke says:

    I wanted to be President of the National Union of Students

  622. 622
    Shaun Woodward says:

    If that puffed-up conceited cow gets in, Parliament is going to look like a piss-poor 1970s BBC programme.

  623. 623
    Nick Griffin says:

    Ahhh, have an awful feeling that I’m not going to like that, bt here goes…

  624. 624

    […] Big Red Book of New Labour Sleaze has to go to whoever was behind the “Emily Benn” contribution: “Because my uncle and his dad and HIS dad wanted to eliminate patronage and nepotism from […]

  625. 625
    Thats News says:

    172, that’s a clear winner! Thank you!


Seen Elsewhere

Users of Gay Hook-Up App Grindr Infected | TechnoGuido
ISIS Raising Funds Online Using Bitcoin | TechnoGuido
UKIP’s Youth Challenge | BBC
ISIS Operative: This Is How We Send Jihadis To Europe | BuzzFeed
Shapps Defends Bashir Defection | Seb Payne
Tory Leadership Contenders Jostle Over Europe | Alex Wickham
Cutting Taxes is Good For You | Art Laffer
Suspects Will Now Have to Prove Innocence | Laura Perrins
Labour Cllr: Cops Shouldn’t Stop Petrol Thieves | HandF Forum
Creeping Cultural Acceptance of Anti-Semitism | Eric Pickles
Time For Greece to Leave Eurozone | Allister Heath


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Boris on British Jihadis. Apparently based on MI5 intel:

“If you look at all the psychological profiling about bombers, they typically will look at porn. They are literally w***ers. Severe onanists. They are tortured. They will be very badly adjusted in their relations with women, and that is a symptom of their feeling of being failures and that the world is against them. They are not making it with girls, and so they turn to other forms of spiritual comfort — which of course is no comfort.”


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