John Prescott is Tweeting followers asking
Why did you all join #Labour? Personal experiences? Shared values? Same vision of a progressive Britain? Let us know!
Guido is offering a copy of The Big Red Book of New Labour Sleaze to the most amusing answer (in character) for different Labour figures.
Prezza : For the sex and expenses.
Blair : To conquer Mesopotamia.
Well, you can probably do better…
How Mervyn King Lost Bank Battle War | WSJ
BBC Corporation Tax Horror Story | IEA
Sally Bercow Judgement in Full | Mr Justice Tugendhat
Commies Blame Capitalism For Terror Attack | The Commentator
Lord Black v Press Regulation | Guardian
Osborne’s Complacency | FT
DWP’s Welfare Failings | Isabel Hardman
Get Used to Coalitions | David Aaronovitch
Woolwich a Showcase in the Banality of Evil | Fraser Nelson
The Enemy Within | Max Hastings
Muslim Led Military-Style Free School Needed | Toby Young
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Ed Balls stretches credulity by claiming he isn’t ambitious…
“I would love to be part of Ed’s Labour government but what I do next for me is not an all-consuming passion. I’m more bothered, in a personal sense, about getting to grade 8 piano by the time I’m 50.”
Ned Flanders – Clegg
Lisa Simpson – Natalie Bennett
Milhouse – Hilary Benn
Martin Prince – Andy Burnham
Edna Krabappel – Luciana Berger
Crazy Cat Lady – Glenda jackson
Comic book guy – John Prescott
Carl – Chucka
Lenny – Philip Hammond
Willie – Eric joyce
Poochie – Gordon Brown
Reverend Lovejoy – Tony Blair
Presscot “for the forty and pies”
Blair ~ to be protected by armed guards 24/7 whilst my minions shout at you for using any self defence against criminals at all.
All Politicians: “because we’re too average to make it in the private sector”
To get a seat at the top table
Because I wanted to be with like minded people
Because before forgiveness and redemption, first comes sin!
Gordon Brown: – “To save the world”
Keir Hardie: It seemed like a good idea at the time……
Tony Blair – to associate myself with the lot of the poor, by taking up residence in a humble town in the North East of England
Cherie Blair – to live a life of modesty and humility
Geoff Hoon – to see my name forever commemorated in the vernacular
Whats a Vernacular?
Keith Vaz – to introduce probity and integrity to British Politics
Damian McBride – to carry the lamp of truth and openness
Polly Toynbee – to go down on my knees and receive pearls of wisdom from Tony Blair, errrr, Gordon Brown, no, make that David Miliband …
Oswald Mosley – because I feel truly at home here
Its some kind of mountain railway stupid!
Diane Abbott – to have my manifold talents showcased on the telly every week
Underclass, a type of conveyor toaster you see in Hotels
Jacqui Smith – Because I’m worth it.
You learn something new everyday on Guido’s site.
I thought a vernacular was one of those railways that helps trains go up mountainsides.
It’s like a verruca, only it’s on your bollocks.
The Underclass: You know where you get a Verruca?
Guess where you get a Vernacular.
“I thought a vernacular was one of those railways that helps trains go up mountainsides.”
That’s a funicular
Shaun Woodward – because I’d join the Nazi party if I thought they had a chance of getting into power. Now, what did I do with Dave Cameron’s email address?……
Progress and modernisation are wonderful aren’t they?
Take it everyone has seen this:
http://www.arrestblair.org/
If nothing else might force him and Cherie to live in a bit of fear.
As much as I despise Blair and his vile wife, George Monbiot (the creator of that site) deserves to be kicked to a violent death.
I bet the snivelling little streak of yellow shite wouldn’t dare lay a hand on Blair himself – probably wouldn’t venture within 50 yards of his protected cordon – yet he sits in his grubby home, wanking away at his computer at the thought of someone else doing his bidding.
‘My enemy’s enemy is my friend’ – at least, for now…
He is the worst kind of guardianista with no idea about the real world.
And I know it is all being done under the nonsense of “international law” but Blair lied to the country and Parliament, he has sent many men to their deaths. Sometimes wars are necessary, some may argue this one was, but as an absolute minimum we should know why we’re going there and have honesty from the politicians. Blair lied – who knows how things might have gone had people known the truth.
I despise Monbiot but I donated £20 anyway since I would like to see some news stories featuring Blair’s arrest (or more likely the beating his bodyguards administer to anyone coming within 20′) and the fact that he’ll be referred to as a war criminal and it will haunt him forever.
GEOFF HOON
“Because I’m a Hunt!”
Because I am a pikey Hunt.
Because no other outfit would have an oxymoronic institution like me
I joined New Labour because it gives me better protection and benefits than any Masonic handshake can offer me!????????
Arse!
Opus Dei?
Asinius Asinium Fricat
Donkeys rub donkeys?
I want to be in line for retrospective pay rises, including for my pension!
Unfortunately I’m not joking – this will be voted on on Monday and all parties seem to be in favour.
Fortunately I decided a few years ago I had enough and I’m not paying tax anymore (don’t worry, i’ve not joined the public non-jobs sector, where you are a net tax receiver despite PAYE on your slip).
Geoff Hoon: To start my property empire.
Free porn.
No one else would have me.
Someone had to show Gordon how Pensions worked
Tony Blair: To fund my property empire.
Meachy Meacher: To enlarge my property empire.
David Chaytor: To fund my daughter’s property empire.
Jacky Spliff: To fund my sister’s property empire.
Gordon Brown: To buy assets from Robert Maxwell’s property empire.
…
Suckers!!!
For a £750 massage chair…
Because I couldn’t think for myself, had no interest in self-improvement and I didn’t want a job that involved working.
New Labour, New Motherfuckers: “Because the LibDems were too clever for us. And the Tories were… too clever for us.”
Because no one else would have me.
gordon brown: to do what no scotsman had ever done in history, to reduce the english to be the starving vassals of a scottish king.
Sad but true
James 1 & VI!!
Oh fuck. Gormless Brown has just wished fellow Scotsman Andy Murray good luck in the final of the Australian Open……..Never mind Andy, there’s always next year.
£10 on Federer then
Wondered how long before he jumped on the wagon
WTF does he know about tennis
‘love’ all
Heheh..Well he is more “Cyclops” than “Hawkeye”
To destroy it,forever.
now maybe, that’s the right thing to do…!!
Harriet Harman: For a bit of rough.
Giving or receiving?
Both – and at the same time :-}
The Beard said it was a good gig
That’ll be the facial beard?
I needed somewhere quiet and non descript to get away from my fans.
It was the last thing I remember – just before I was sectioned.
patrica scotchland: to prove that ministers are always above the law.
Peter Mandelson: “To shoot loads of/over Brazilians.
***Applause***
Very good!
Funny
Margaret Beckett: “Because the Pony Club wouldn’t have me.”
Crufts might, though.
chuckles…….nice riposte
Nah, no pedigree!
Chum
Now THAT does deserve applause!
Bravo!!
Now that was a breeding obvious pun!
David Chaytor: oink oink
For the extra-maritals and the extra pies.
Because I failed my 11-plus and have a very small dick.
Can you afford that new bike yet?
It looks like the 11+ was right after all doesn’t it John. No grammar school boy would have fucked up the economy as spectacularly as you lot managed to.
Because all the pretty girls had boyfriends and I was bored.
Snap!!! OMG!!!
Something like that.
I joined so I get get access to women with no sense of self-esteem.
Lying Five Bellies – it’s because when you were a little girl you saw a big bad Tory come to talk at your school, and you got so wet between the legs you had to run off home for the privacy of your little back bedroom, and think Liebore to get yourself off.
Neil Kinnock – “Because I’m a useless gobshite and unemployable in the real world. Where else could a pointless twat like me make millions and become a Lord?”
China.
that caption is applicable to so many of the fuckers it makes you sad
The EU
For me it was mainly for tax avoidance on gains from property deals, but also for free parking in London, so lots of reasons really.
And sackfuls of nuts.
I joined for the biggest fringe benefit of all……..EXPENSES
For the poor Somalis
Because i’m intensely relaxed about becoming filthy rich.
Richness does not give you happiness, I should know, I’ve been there and now I’m going back to poorland.
Quentin Davies: It was my butler’s idea.
Indeed sir.
By the way, Jeeves, you’re fired.
I’m not Quentin Davies, I’m Shaun Woodward. Sorry for the confusion
Right you are sir.
Sean Deadwood: Er,er, because the Conservatives had rumbled me.
Alistair Campbell – “What other party would take a depressed alcholic who writes fourth rate porn?”
Lib Dems?
Fourth rate!? You’re being kind dear.
or let you get away with suiciding scientists.
Kevan Jones: Because my job as a Student’s Union administrator was never going to support the lifestyle I wanted!
Mandleson: My way to sacrifice to my dark God and gain my ascension as a demon!
Harman: Because my Aristocratic connections weren’t good enough for the Lib Dems
Hoon: I wouldn’t survive the real World
“I wouldn’t survive the real World.”
I’m afraid that just about sums it up for all of them DB. Perhaps I could just add – because I can make shedloads whilst at the same time being completely unaccountable for my actions and remaining above the tsunami of laws that we have unleashed on the little people (or something along those lines).
Mandy’s Brazilian was that dark, was he? Shades of Orton!
Mandy: Because when you sell your soul to Satan, he forces you to do the most vile things.
caroline flint: to be the most glamerous woman at the party conference.
And to provide a passage just wide enough for FatArse Prescott’s tiny dick!
Epic fail.
Me or toothy Caroline?
(Perhaps we could become a double act, but I want to be like Hatty HarPerson and push!)
Mind you there’s precious little competition!!!!
Because it was the right thing to do
And the Lefty thing to do.
Because when liebore agree to shooting badgers, the last place they will look is Downing St.
To keep me in a job – I knew that going into the wife’s family business was a bit beyond me, what with all the rules and stuff on check-out desk work or shelf-stacking. Exes have come in useful as well, of course.
Because its all part of our plan. All of it Ken, Mandy, The world bank, the man on the grassy knoll. Were behind it all
Because I wanted to get my own back on people who called me a ‘Man of Straw’.
I wanted to make a difference……………………………………..to my bank balance.
I couldn’t possibly comment
For the boys
Good point!
Every Labour MP “because no-one would give us this much money in the private sector”.
Guido – I think this particular challenge you have set us will produce the most amusing collection of hopefully rude and crude suggestions since the dawn of time. Excellent work!
Why go the long way round if you’ve found a shortcut
Woodward: Because my wife told me to.
Mo Mowlam: Because I had a massive brain tumour
But not a massive brain.
Best place to deploy my oily “charm”, oh yes and to get my “council tax” paid.
Gordon: Because I failed the psychological examination for the Monster Raving Loony Party.
Ed Bollocks
So that we can establish a thousand year Reich!
Blair: “Actually it was the Labour Party that joined me”.
Woo! and Yay!
John Prescott – “Because I’d had enough of people shouting “G&T” at me.”
To serve the public. What else?
Serve us up a shit-sandwich in lieu of the prudent economy we specifically ordered from the menu?
Yes!
I’ll have the club version!
john reid ph.d. : to pull.
To rebalance my Karma. I had to do something to make up for my personal stance on pacifism and going along with a totally unnecessary and illegal war was just the ticket.
Because i wanted to join the winning team.
I was concerned about the terrible levels of corruption and dishonesty and the widening gap between the rich and poor. Thats enough about Britain . Afghanistan has some problems as well but at least they’re being addressed
Mandy: Because Labour were the ones coming into power.
Lady Mandlebum comes into lots of unsavoury things!
To avoid being elected for anything
The form was offering a free lobotomy for those who hadn’t already had one to get thus far? A FREE lobotomy! Who needs to wait for the NHS, or to get old?
John Bercow – “I haven’t yet. Oh, what a giveaway.”
They all joined to make as much money as possible & imitate the lifestyle of the Conservatives.
I just kind of fell into the job when my KGB handlers moved me out of my holding position as a history lecturer in a technical college and handed me a safe seat.
Serendipity I guess.
Because they threatened to send the boys round if I didn’t
Tom Watson: to be a proppa blogga
Sion Simon: proof that by adding no value to anything you end up with nothing
David Blunkett – “because I couldn’t see any alternative”.
Jack Strawman
So that I could prove to the British public that I am a weasel-faced, self-serving, unctuous, slippery, lying creep of an apology for a man who can only attract females because of the aura of ‘power’.
Dad, you’re always so hard on yourself.
I joined because I wanted Britain to become a Communist state. After the collapse of the Soviet Bloc I has desperate for a new ideology I could believe in with my feverish self indulgent zeal. Thank you global warming!
Join it , dont be daft we ran the whole shooting match. But split me nose open with a boathook just as our plans were coming to fruition Gorby had to go and upset the applecart in mother Russia. Bugger
Good job we had Plan B on standby: sapping the morals and morale of the people by the twin processes of entryism and attrition.
Sick of being lied to by Auntie Beeb? Welcome to free-market Russia Today on Freeview – note that our maps show all the former USSR to be anthrax-free, that our presenters speak gently lilting English and that we offer a refreshingly Global outlook upon the news.
My credit card was maxed out and overdraft at it’s limit. I just needed to get my hands on somebody else’s pile of cash.
I’m not actually a member of the Labour party, but I want to join. Because I hate everyone who hates the Labour party. Is that a good enough reason?
To ruin the UK’s economy!
David Cameron – “because they nicked all our policies”
Batty Hatty Harpic : “So people could know where to find me”.
Genius.
It’s because by the time she grew up she was too old to be a Norland Nanny.
Worth checking what they were on Wikipedia for an Approve! Just their stuffy, bossing type of gel. Straight out of the top drawer via Lucie Clayton’s on the way to a marriage to a sound Country type.
Harriet Harman: So I could set phasers to equality.
jackie smith, gordon brown, edward balls, bob ainsworth: to show the world that a complete lack of talent, looks, ability and integrity is no bar for advancement in british politics today.
100% accurate.
Jack Straw – “To vote for the Iraq war and make daddy so proud”
There should be crosshairs in that circle aimed at Prescott, preferably sat atop a Barrett M107.
But still the flab would deflect the shell…
Quite – it conjures images like the accounts of pilots in the RFC during the Great War trying to shoot down Zeppelins with the machine gun on a Sopwith Camel. Most of the bullets would just bounce off.
You also had to be very careful that you didn’t fly in too close to the Zeppelin to get a “lucky shot” through, otherwise you would be engulfed in the ensuing explosion. I think a shot that somehow made it through Prescnut’s rolls of flab would result in a more disgusting and apocalyptic explosion than a large bag of hydrogen!
Money for nothing,and the chicks for free.
It was the last harebrained stupid shit for brains thing left that id never done on Blue Peter
and you’ve never worked since, Says it all
To support my true heroes in the Conservatives, by undermining the Labour Government from within and making them look even more inept than Balls,Brown,Straw etc already are.
I dont know what it is but seeing Precott there holding that hammer i keep thinking J Arthur Rank
But he can only handle a watchmaker’s hammer!
Rank stupidity comes to mind
Rhtyming slang, there, Mr Plum?
Or even “rhyming”.
Because Labour voters are thicker and so it would be easier to assume power.
Oh, how true.
…and precisely the way Blair would have calculated things.
To get on the european gravy train
You people give Gravy a bad name
…and Europe!!
Ed Balls – “So I could stick two fingers to to those who fought in the war by wearing a Nazi outfit and putting in a claim of £33 for remembrance day poppies”.
It’s the right thing to do Ed.
John Prescott – “Because it was the only party where not being able to string htree wors together wasn’t a problem.
Or being able to type apparently.
David Blunkett:…..I thought I was joining Sheffield swingers club
You did.
But you can’t bring that dog in here.
Where is the Caravan Queen from?
You heard the man. Wait outside Jacqui.
To help others (eg that bird I gave the train tickets to and that nanny with passport issues)
Because I’m stark, staring bonkers
yes. What I don’t understand is that someone who was a teenager, smack bang in the middle of thatcherism, would want to lead the conservative party, lead it straight into the centre.
Your fooling no one Gordon but I do agree you are stark raving bonkers
Chaytor: To get a mortgage.
John Prescott :- “I joined Labour because it was the only party that shared my love of ignorance, hypocrisy and pies”.
James Gordon Brown, to be saviour of the world.
So i’d feel at home amongst like minded folk.
Gordon Brown – Because i am a scottish / northern socialist and the only way of getting on is by sponging off the taxpayer. I am not capable of generating wealth only destroying it.
Alastair Darling – Because i am a scottish / northern socialist and the only way of getting on is by sponging off the taxpayer. I am not capable of generating wealth only destroying it.
John Prescott – Because i am a scottish / northern socialist and the only way of getting on is by sponging off the taxpayer. I am not capable of generating wealth only destroying it.
etc etc etc etc
Fat-arse Prescott actually polluted Prestatyn by being born there but luckily the family fucked off to England.
Because we’re thick.
John Prescott: “To be completely above the law, enabling me to: Make fraudulent expense claims, indulge in Tax evasion, live off the earnings of others (which makes me a Whore I suppose) and so I could smack a Prole in the mouth, on camera, and not be prosecuted for Assault like the rest of you plebs would be…”
Just like the rest of us then.
“live off the earnings of others (which makes me a Whore I suppose)”
No, Prescnut, it makes you a pimp.
gordon browm : to do what asquith, lloyd george, churchill, baldwin, ramsay macdonald, lansbury, f. e. smith, chamberlain, attlee, eden, macmillan, home, wilson, owen, rogers, williams, blair and thatcher could not do….destroy the labour party as an electoral force for ever.
Tony Blair – Strangers on my Flight.
http://www.animatronics.org/strangers/strangers.htm
Peter Hain – “I knew what gullible chumps they were, so after being kicked out for 5 minutes after hiding those donations was welcomed back like nothing happened”.
You have struck a rich vein here Guido. In fact I’m wondering if your blog will be able to cope with the bile and wit of so many at one time.
Agreed – servers must be in meltdown!
Don’t hold your breath for the wit element, Huge!
Does Guido’s statporn figures a world of good, though!
I suppose that was expecting rather a lot….
Neil Kinnock ~ So myself and my family could feed off the public teat as we would be unemployable in the private sector
Gordon Brown – “To save the world”.
Cos it my only chance of a peerage and it gets me laid
Good question….I’ll get my coat
………………………………..(insert name of Labour MP here): Because I’m a useless Hunt unfit for real work.
Because No one else would have me.
But we loved your style- that coat!!
John Prescott – “To fook totty in Whitehall offices”.
…actually that sounds like a rather good reason.
Blair: well, y’know, I’m a pretty straight kind of guy and, well…I just wanted to know how it felt to be totally corrupt and, well…bent.
Richard Timney:
To watch porn FOC
Lord Mandelson:
I enjoy going to Estates and watch people shooting
They are called ‘shooting parties’, or ‘monks’ circles’ to you, Lady Mandlebum!
So I could throw my weight around, well some of it anyway.
Because I’m a fascist.
John Prescott: “bit of a misunderstanding really: I thought I was being asked to get stuck in to new labia.”
John Prescott: because I believe instictly in humanistical rights, democratical foundations and for the greatliness of the nation.
Top drawer!
John Prescott: having circumcised the world as a steward, I wanted to make a contributory effect to the life of the common man. I joined the ranks of the labour party to relevise the aspirating ‘pick yourself up and dust yourself off’ manterings of conference, to extensify my goodwilly to comrades in my arms and see an end to the hypocriticous manifest jasons of the Tory party.
Hahah.. You’ve built a “Prescottalizer”, haven’t you?.. (Turns normal speak into jibberish.)
Don’t you realise the danger such a machine could do to the World?!… Oops, too late
When I was head of the department of Trainspotting, the Enviralment and the Regals, I insisticated that I would personably reductionize the number of cars on Britain’s roads. To this endeavourous end I made the difficult decision to compartpany with one of my treasureful Jags, thus earnicating myself the title of “Two Jags Prescott”. Mind you, in reflectication, it was a bad idea as Tracy’s knickers were still in the glove box.
Becuse I was depressed.
You’re depressed
Billy Bragg – “Because I knew my career was in freefall and it’s the only way I get any publicity these days.”
Cherie Blair: Labour is the natural home of the ugly cow.
Margaret Becket: Labour is the natural home of the ugly cow.
Margaret Moran: Labour is the natural home of the ugly cow.
Yvette Cooper: Labour is the natural home of the ugly cow.
Clare Short: Labour is the natural home of the ugly cow.
Patricia Hewitt: Labour is the natural home of the ugly cow.
Hazel Blears: Labour is the natural home of the ugly cow.
Jaqcui Smith:Labour is the natural home of the ugly cow.
Harriet Harman: Labour is the natural home of the ugly cow.
David Blunkett: All the quality skirt.
Applause
Brilliant.
Finalist.
Throw in Dianne Abbot and Margaret Hodge for good measure
Alistair Darling – “So I could get my personal accounts done properly, and for free”.
Harriet Harman: I couldn’t face having to compete with competent women
Ed Balls: I failed the entrance exam for the LibDems
Polly Toynbee: I didn’t have to join, my father got me in.
Lord Goldsmith: There were too many lower class grammar school oiks like William Hague in the Tories
James Purnell: What do you mean, I joined the “Labour” Party? Uh, oh … I think I may have filled in the wrong form …
Gordon Brown: The others widnae have me …’snot fair
Gordon Brown: In the country of the blind, the one-eyed man is king, hehehe …
Gordon Brown “So I could move from using British voters own money to bribe British voters, to using British voters money to bribe Afghan voters”
Ben Elton – “Because it was the only way the BBC would take any of my work.”
No reason really – I was drunk at the time and worried that those Nazi uniform photos would turn up somehow.
John Prescott – “To keep things in the family”.
Yep, what things and whose family?
Because my husband Richard is a total wanker.
Because John mixes the best Martinis and is so helpful on Nats yacht
Because the Tory Party refused my application
Harriet Harman – “It’s the only way I could get away with using my mobile whilst driving”
“I am looking forward to joining another party…which has just acquired a leader I have always greatly admired, who I believe is entirely straightforward, and who has a towering record, and a clear vision for the future of our country which I fully share
‘Towering record’ ??
Pull the other one, it’s got bells on.
Towering Inferno of a record
…because, and I know this is hard to believe, but they really think joining Labour was the right thing to do. Many *still*, after everything, think Labour is the best hope for this country.
We have to remember this about socialists – and the greens too. They honestly really do think they’re the good guys. They really think if everyone was identical, lived in a cave eating mung beans, the world would be a better place. Like all genocidal types, they cling to this wicked doctrine that the end justifies the means – and it doesn’t.
Sure, they’re thick, demented, deluded social inadequates – we all know that. But *they* still don’t. I wonder if there is a cure for wishful thinking? Maybe electro shock therapy?
‘Wishful thinking’ may be more dangerous than anything else on earth.
They call it positive thinking nowadays.
Caused the global financial crisis.
Took root in the shitty 80′s.
!
Because
Shaun Woodward – “Because I didn’t think the Tories would ever get back into power… Oops…”
To be 007, the James Bond of politics
I always had a thing for that master villain Gordon Goldflinger , he has the funny eyes and scars *shudders*
oooo and I love Shirley Bassey
Mandelson – Because I couldn’t join the Empire… As that was a long time ago in a Galaxy far far away you see.
Derek Draper – “Because Gordon needs his fucking head examining and I’m the paid-up BACP member to do it”.
Nope. he wanted to be prime minister, after Neil Kinnock.
Gordon Brown -I was tapped on the shoulder while at Broadmoor
Shame they didn’t tap you twice in the head.
234567890-
Oh shit – is this the Labour Party ? I must have ticked the wrong box.
David Tennant:
I like Mrs Brown
Marcus Brigstocke:
I am not actually a member, but it’s cool to pretend.
BBC 5live:
We enjoy Champagne parties on election night
Damian McBride – “It was a stepping stone onto the dizzying heights I’m at now, scrubbing toilets in a school whilst trying to persuade the BBC to take me on”.
Because I was kicked senseless at a young age.
Obviously not often enough.
to keep the untermensch in their place
Hi Prezza, I joined Labour as a result of our Shared Values; you see I am a cnut just like you….
I wanted to live in a progressive society where the concept of privacy is considered outmoded and quaint. A society that logs every phone call I make, every web site I visit and every e-mail I send. It gives me a feeling of worth to know that lots and lots of public servants have an interest in and access to what was once my private data.
Because we’re ignorant of even basic economics.
We had no choice, it was either join or cease to exist.
“I am writing myself I have just come across an amazing observation by Francis Bacon in 1620 that to me sums up the whole Climategate, IPCC, Himalayagate and all the other gates that I would like to share with you:
“Those who have taken upon them to lay down the law of nature as a thing already searched out and understood, whether they have spoken in simple assurance or professional affectation, have therein done philosophy and the sciences great injury. For as they have been successful in inducing belief, so they have been effective in quenching and stopping inquiry; and have done more harm by spoiling and putting an end to other men’s efforts than good by their own.” (Bacon)
The full text is in translation here: http://www.constitution.org/bacon/nov_org.htm”
The DAM that the Scammers, Frauds, Alarmists, Beard wearers, Marxists, and Conmen have so carefully built is about to be Bouncing Bombed by the Blogosphere.
Andrew Neil’s blog which is linked top right here is absolutely on the money.
I was drawing cultists attention to the inconvenient fact that hurricanes had fuck all to do with ‘global warming’ five years ago.
But it is a waste of CO2 talking to these arseholes. Their minds are firmly clamped shut.
http://boards.fool.co.uk/Message.asp?mid=10050220&sort=postdate
Do these imbeciles never tire of being wrong?
Because my uncle and his dad and HIS dad wanted to eliminate patronage and nepotism from politics
I’m with you sister.
Good idea.
Hilary Benn: I inherited it
I’m with your sister too.
(laugh)!
She’s a game girl.
OMG! Yes!!!
172, that’s a clear winner! Thank you!
To make my mark in history by redifining ‘incompetent’ and ‘deluded’.
To end Boom and Bust.
this one has given me the biggest smirk thus far
David Cameron – I lack the balls to be a Tory
Yvette Cooper: “I lick Ed’s Balls, but Frank*, ‘e de Tory”
*Field
Yvette Cooper: “I lick Ed’s Balls but dream of Frank*, ‘e de Tory”
Ah, the old Tuscan political jockey pun!
Molto bene, Antonio.
A bit contrived, I admit.
To test to destruction the premise that you can solve any problem by throwing enough of other people’s money at it.
Jacqui Smith
On balance, next time I will buy my own bath plug
Baroness Cathy Ashton:
“How else could a recycled communist traitor who hates democracy actually become the Foreign Minister in a dictatorship & never ever having to face an electorate or ballot box?”
My vote for the winner is 117 from Tuscan Tony.
Say’s Tony from overseas.
Vote early, often and anonymously.
Shall I mail all these postal votes now ?
Peter Mandelson – “I was going for the record on the number of times a politician can return from disgrace”.
A: Zero.
(Like a bad smell, he just stuck around.)
Elliott Morley: (To the tune of ‘Common People’)
I came from SHunthorpe and then worked for Hull City
I noticed then the sizeable cash kitty
That’s when you…
Caught my eye.
I noticed that the taxpayer was loaded
For my bank balance I could tell this boded
And it boded…well
And then come election time
I said I want to live like Commons people
I want to expense like Commons people do
I want to buy like Commons people
I want to sponge like Commons people
Off you.
Because it was right to fling away our gold whatever Peter Bummer says.
I am now going to get on with the job and when I am finished hopefuly some kind person(Tony?) will help me find my way out of the lavatory after I have finished writing letters of condolence on the walls.
Thats why I have always hated the Tory party, the party that wants to keep moral men such as myself trapped in the bog and put the tory in lavatory
David Blunkettt “I didn’t know I had”
Gordon Brown: I’m not a member of the Labour Party. I’m in the first wave of a group of evil aliens who are here to destroy human society by taking control of your governments and destroying your countries from within.
For the Money.
to spend other people’s money.
For the free laptop and broadband.
Scottish postal voter;
For the free bottle of Buckfast with every Labour postal vote
Prescott:
So I could show the workers of Britain that Labour doesn’t works for them – only the privileged few, like me and Tony and Gordon and Arthur Scargill and all the Union bosses and the Champagne Socialist.
Vote Labour and line our pockets with your hard earned wages – long may you be deluded that we care for the working classes.
Berco.. So I can swing my legs when I’m happy!
Brilliant!!
But who pulls his strings?
I knew she was a swinger, is he one too?
He should be….from a noose!!!
For the Honours.
Margaret Moran: because Labour isn’t working – which suits me fine.
Need you ask?
To outdo Maggie Thatcher
See Here
– The British government is seeking to raise more cash by selling its 71.5 billion-pound ($116 billion) stake in three crippled banks than Margaret Thatcher generated by disposing of state-owned businesses during her entire 11 years in office.
From 1979 to 1990, then-Prime Minister Thatcher’s three administrations privatized more than 20 companies, including British Gas and British Airways. The total raised would now be worth about 68.5 billion pounds, adjusted for inflation, according to accounting firm Ernst & Young. Prime Minister Gordon Brown hasn’t disclosed a timetable for the sale of the U.K.’s stakes in Royal Bank of Scotland Group Plc, Lloyds Banking Group Plc and Northern Rock Plc, making their remuneration and lending practices a political question.
New Labour.
To make the UK a laughing stock, for all the world to look at, point and laugh.
Because you all laughed at us at school.
Because all animals are created equal……… But some animals are more equal than others
Caroline Flint: to prove that despite physical appearance and dress sense, a modern progressive female politician is more than window dressing.
And to get my hands on the odd, fit young Tunisian torso of course.
Lord Martin of The Gorbals
To get a new fur coat Jimmy
Lord Kinnock
To get my boy into the British Council Boyo
Jacqui Smith: For the great tv package included.
Which is more than Richard Thewank provides!
Blair’s Babes: “Because we’re mediocre”
Gordon Brown – To blow my own trumpet
Peter Mandelson – To blow someone elses trumpet
Alastair Darling – To tax trumpet players and all other sections of Brass where I have heard there is muck.
John Prescott – trumpets….eeeh i love em wi butter on…oh i thought thee said crumpets.
V good
To get around planning regs. Oh, and traffic law. and accountancy rules. and the Audit commission. and the fraud squad. and Customs and Revenue. And to serve the People.
Because at the time the Conservatives were unelectable.
Because I want power over my betters, so that I can screw their lives up as revenge for being cleverer, richer, or just better looking than me
Shaun Woodward: To represent the good people of Liverpool St… where is it again?
I joined Labour to be able to get away with telling stupid jokes like this one
My husband’s a classical musician.
Every morning he performs the Trumpet Involuntary
To fight against privilege,corruption in high places and children in poverty.
You wanted to pick a fight with poor kids? Shame on you.
Funny how Lefties don’t seem to see similarity between “privilege” and “The trappings of office / power” (and the abuse, thereof).
Ooh! I feel poorly.
Well Poorly doesn’t appreciate your advances. Put your Marigolds on first.
Mandelson: “Because I’d rather have a lobster on my piano than a crab on my organ. Sadly I got the latter also.”
Shaun Woodward: Because my old party was going to lose.
Ed Balls so I can rim Gordons arse forever!.
john Prescott – to be a giant amongst pygmies
Geraldine smith – it was the only group I could join where my fucking stupid accent would be fairly normal.
Tony McNulty: Because it deserves someone of my intellectual calibre.
I got a handjob from Carol Caplinstein , Married a hot chick called Cherie who has a fanny as hairy as a gorillas head and a gob as wide as the Mersey tunnel(her c*nt is even wider)
Labour has been good to me
Billy Bragg: Because lots of things rhyme with ‘Tory’, but not much with ‘pinch-faced killjoy socialist scumbags’.
Ian McCartney-to be a champagne socialist,I always buy flutes.
Gordo-Iv’e always had my eye on labour,never saw an alternative with the other.
Andy Burnham-Twas the mascara that did it.
Ruth Kelly-it was a religeous calling,christ my thigh hurts.
Neil Turner-shaving convinced me,the others frowned on 7 day growths.
Shaun Woodward-I was in two minds.
Alistair Darling-I thought it was a flipping good idea.
John Prescott-Office parties was the clincher for me and I can really Tracey it to that.
David Chator-That roast dinner with all that gravy that I had on the train,no brainer really.
Jack Straw-I figured it out early on that if I joined the others it might be seen as cowardice.
Peter Mandelson-I thought hedge your bets laddie.
Tony Blair-Dont know really,give me time I assure you I will give you a reason when I have the right advice.
A few to be going on with.
I joined German Labour so I could get someone else to do the Labour for me
Lord Goldsmith:
I wasn’t going to join, until two after meeting with two big blokes, I changed my mind.
To get a job at GMTV
Bu, bu, bu, pu . . . . . . .
Because Mrs Thatcher said it was her greatest achievement.
It was either that or teaching line dancing at Dyffryn Nantlle
To keep the poor, poor.
Because I heard that it was showbusiness for ugly people
Gisela Stuart: I didn’t understand ze application form.
I joined as I was asked for my membership number when I applied to the BBC
Because one day I knew I would have the chance to chase a powerful black man around a kitchen , get on my knees before his well packed trousers and beg for a photo of me licking his boots
A step up for any Scotsman
Because my boyfriend told me to.
What about your husband?
Would that be the B/F in Canterbury, long distance sex chat on the Taxpayer, beware the squidgy tapes
Dont’ know much about History…
Don’t know much trigonometry…
Bob Marshall – Andrews – “Fucked if I know.”
Blair T : To do what I like and never be prosecuted
Blair C: To become richer then I deserve – I always worry we dont have enough £ (and to meet celebrities and get good property recommendations)
Harperson: Only job I could have these ideas and not be sectioned
Brown : The Labour party chose me, it was my destiny.
Mandleson: How else could I get a mortgage and watch?
Bercow S: to max out the publicity of my hubby
Moore: To bury bad news
Miliband, D: Because my Dad told me to
Miliband, E: Because my brother told me to
ALL the rest: fabulous expenses scheme and pension
I really do think it’s unfair that Tory MPs don’t get expenses and a pension. What’s that? They do?
i said ALL the rest – get with the programme and take that chip off your shoulder. Most Labour MP’s would never be able to get a job in the private sector which would be so well renumerated.
Wake up. ‘ALL the rest’ was an answer to the question ‘Why did I join the Labour party’.
so the working class
can kiss my arse
and I get the fancy
job at last
Nestor, I thought you were in the Ukraine.
until I escape to Paris,
If only it had been Lenin who was forced to flee to Paris and the black flag had flown over Russia.
Thank the double-crosser Trotsky for that. Still, we got Quiet Flows the Don out of it
Harriet Harman: ‘Cause I’m a twat.
Bomber B£iar: So I could drop bombs on Belgrade, Baghdad and Bagram
Fabian Solutions – “I was convinced by the carefully reasoned arguments of Charles E Hardwidge and Master Baiter.”
I vote Labour because I was bullied at school and I want revenge
Just who/ what is the Labour party?
And who is this piss stained tramp from England that keeps sending me emails?
Mr Director could you please terminate him with extreme prejudice.
Barry
Tony Blair: Because God told me to.
David Miliband – “It’s what my grandfather would have wanted”
Ed Miliband – “My bruv said it was a good doss”
Quentin Davies: Why, oh why, oh why!
To lead a Corrupt life.
Come on Blunkett, you can’t fool us just by putting on a posh accent.
Gordon made me join! he and Ed balls gave me a Chinese purge the rotter’s I mean OK I was naughty but they are taking it too far !!.
Because the giant white rabbit that lives in my wardrobe told me that if I didn’t join the labour party then the magic beans which the wizard sold me wouldn’t work.
Bob Ainsworth: “Is this switched on? I can’t seem to – “
Point it at London and set it for 45 minutes, Bob.
I can’t handle reality and live in a dream-world.Plus Sarah does a wicked turkey(no wonder Gordon’s a fat fud).
Careful with that baster. You never know where it might have been.
I didn’t join the Labour Party, sonny, the Labour Party joined me.
BBC : To Promote the cult of New Liebour.
To secure riches and wealth beyond avarice.
To bring the cult and power of Nuremburg Rallies into every single home.
We are the mouthpiece of the Socialist Agenda!
We will critisice and repudiate any claims that prevent the expansion of the great and almighty EUSSR!
Great comrades of Britain! We the BBC call upon you to follow the Glorious Leader! Comrade Brown and his great predecessor Comrade Hero Blair need your assistance to expand the great empire of the EUSSR! We need room to expand, we must annex the fertile lands of Eastern Europe!
Comrades of Britain! Join us and your beloved leader! We must help our great and good socialist allies and friends in Africa! We must help them in their time of need. Dig deep into your pockets my friends! This taxation is for the greater good!
The Glorious Leader has worked extensively with his genuis and with his economic advisors to bring you great wealth in your houses, and to provide you with enormous plasma TVs, so that you too many celebrate as our heroes of Economic Prudence bring love and prosperity to all!
Oh and we have a big payroll and New Liebour agreed to pay it via the TV Licence Tax. I think that’s about it…
In character as requested.
Typical BBC answering the question as prepped by the Downing Street Press Office.
I could do Toenails’ job. Piece of piss.
Because I ‘adn’t ‘ad any ‘ope of ‘aving all this admiration from all the electorate !
“Because Labour members are compassionate.” They’ve kept Gordon in his job, even when they know he shouldn’t be there….
What, like employing the token cripple?
It’s the only way to get a job at the BBC.
Because it vas de right zing to do.
Vassup?
Because nowhere else on earth would I be referred to as a ‘babe’
Peter Hain: I joined the Labour Party in good faith because I am incompetent and not because I have anything to hide. I have reported myself to the Electoral Commission. That will be £10,000, please.
Quentin Davies: why did I join the Labour Party? I ask myself that question every day.
Keir Hardie: “Because I wanted to break the power of a self-perpetuating, corrupt ruling elite, in league with the media and the Establishment”
Well, that went well, didn’t it KH?
Blair – I joined because I wanted to be somewhere I’d really stand out as a c*nt. There were already too many in the Tory party at the time.
Have you seen what history lecturers earn?
For the champers, darling.
Me too.
Woz it u wot outed me, Pollytwaddle?
I joined the party to permanently fuck up Britain, as all good Marxists dream of doing.
My speciality within the party had been shitting on the English, for whom I have a particular loathing. Roll on ethnic replacement.
To meet other champagne socialists.
It was the only party that recognised my carrier bag, two bricks and empty beer cans as intellectually significant and in tune with its political direction.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/blogs/dailypolitics/andrewneil/
Ed Miliband – because I wanted to save the world from man-made global warming.
Yes yes I know that some people at the UEA told lies about climate change statistics, and I know that the UN’s IPCC have just been found out for telling more lies about melting himalayan glaciars which aren’t melting and hurricanes and floods which proper scientists are saying are not affected by global warming but just look, I get to mix with all those brainy scientists at IPCC which makes me look intellectual.
What’s that you say? Mr Pachauri, the Chairman of the IPCC isn’t really a scientist he’s a railway engineer!! Well nobody will know that if we don’t tell them.
Alistair Darling : I was moved – to a bigger house.
Gordon Brown: Father! I will win your love.I will. FAAATHEEEEERRRR!
Jacqui Smith : To spend more time with my sister’ family.
Lord Goldsmith: I used to think it was to help poor people but suddenly I just changed my mind and decided it was to help rich people. No reason, just changed it.
Flint: When Allders closed I lost my job. Where can an unemployed window dresser get a job, I thought…
Ainsworth : ‘cos KFC hadn’t any vacancies.
Blair: The Lib Dems made a good offer, which the Tories beat. But when I saw the quality of the hierarchy at Labour HQ, well, I was in.
Prescott. Why did I join the Labour party?
Well,insofar as a person of ‘umble background, like me, and me dad, and his dad, and his dad, and his dad, well I won’t labour the point, you get the drift of it, insofar as an ordinary man could be interested by politics, like me, a very ordinary man indeed..not a toff, not an old eton onion or a royalty, not that I’m against rich people, but they have to pay their fair share..I mean if earned a million quid, which I don’t, not at all, far from it ..not even a tenth of that, well , how much is a tenth? really ? That much! Well maybe i earn two tenths then. but I EARN that see. Not given on a silver plate,like David Cameron and his boiled egg holder and butler and rich man’s bicycle, I sweat for my money. Look at these armpits. Soaked through! Go on ,luv, have a sniff…phwarr, lovely. That’s working class sweat that is. from hard toil. And maybe fro a big lunch.
So that answers your question, OK?
A Daily Telegraph blog reports that Labour were asking for photographs to illustrate the achievements of the Labour government – hospitals, schools etc. Unfortunately many people just saw the “achievement” of having many photographers stopped by the police as terrorists for photographing public buildings so uploaded images of their Stop and Search forms.
Labour: Change we see but you can’t photograph
http://blogs.telegraph.co.uk/culture/kateday/100006399/labour-change-we-see-but-you-cant-photograph/
Now this is priceless thanks for posting lol!!!!
The Law Society said that I was too lacking in morals to pursue a legal career, so that only left….
Fuck knows why, I’m the only one here who has to work for a living and has no money.
I didn’t. My brain’s not THAT small.
Bob aintbustingut – where else could I get a job where claiming £350,000 in expenses was allowed?
… given that on the whole they are a talentless, below standard ugly, martyr syndrome bunch of nomarks – where else could they possibly go?
Prescott. Because I have no Penis.
Bliar. Because telling people what to do gives me wood.
t bliar
i want to be president of europe and as soon as they create the post for the fourth president then i will be
Gordon Brown – because I’m against the capitalist west
Rosie Winterton – because I want to be held against Prezza
Baroness Scotland – because I’m against illegal immigration
Ed Milliband – because I’m against global warming
David Milliband – because I’m against, um, oh, ah er Geography
Claire Short. ‘Mate, it was the only way I was going to get a shag’
See all MP’s for that one
The real comments on the labour site are just as funny:
http://www.labour.org.uk/why_im_labour
“I believe in ideology , not pragmatism.”
Following ideology blindly where common sense, logic, rationality, and facts have absolutely no place in what you do/think; yep, that’s labour supporters all right.
Someone else has just posted on there – because of gordon brown his leadership and vision!!!
+++Laugh+++
No way to compete with the real reasons people give. Although not a single one of them has mentioned starting two wars then not funding them yet – may be that was just the leadership and not the “rank ‘n file”?
he only has partial vision
NOW we know what Pravda employees are tapping on their computers all day.
Can’t work out whether the comments are posted by ZNL trolls or are meant as satire, or ….. surely no-one could be that thick ???
Must be made up. Can’t be for real.
Oops I seem to have put my own thoughts on there by mistake
BTW Cheryl Coal supports GB according to the Mirror
EVERY Geordie supports New Liebour. More than 60% are on the State teat in one way or another.
they are not taking negative posts, what a shame
They are all handpicked – the page hasn’t changed for the last half hour
Handpicked? Like Brown’s nostrils then.
i liked this one
“I teained and worked as a teacher under the Tories”
hope he was not an english teacher
joolz
Peter Mandelson Because my nickname was already “rosebud”, so I thought it would be apt.
Gordon Brown;
“Because like me,it never works”
Adam Crozier to run ITV !!!
He gave Sven Goran Erikson a £5m pa contract. Very clever.
He has fucked up Royal Mail. He was given the job by Alan Leighton (ex Mars, Leeds United, Last Minute.com & Asda).
He now has the ITV job. He has been given the job by Archie fucking Norman (ex Asda, McKinsey [with W Hague of course])…and no, Norman & Leighton were NOT responsible for turning round Asda.
Do these berks just follow each other around giving each other jobs and generous packages?
Or was Alexei Sayle right when he said that they all meet in a big board room and get off by slamming each other’s cocks in the door?
Do these berks just follow each other around giving each other jobs and generous packages?
Yes
Or was Alexei Sayle right when he said that they all meet in a big board room and get off by slamming each other’s cocks in the door?
Yes, this too is correct.
Leighton has gone from Royal Mail as well. Both left three years into their five year plan.
Doesn’t look good.
Oy Vey
Because I’m bone idle and I want the State to pay for my upkeep and have the rich toffs pay for the life-style that I’d like to be come accustomed to.
I hadn’t read the Sky News site, when I posted that, but this just shows ZanU Laybuh for what it is:
Benefits Blunder: 10 People Get £1m Too Much
12:40pm UK, Thursday January 28, 2010
Ruth Barnett, Sky News Online
The Government has accidentally paid £1m too much in benefits to just 10 people, it has emerged.
Money
A taskforce attempts to get benefits overpayments back
The Department for Work and Pensions has admitted it is trying to get the money back.
Five of the people who received too much income support cash owe more than £100,000 each.
The biggest amount owed by a single claimant is £136,567.94.
A taskforce has been set up to retrieve overpayments worth more than £10,000, Junior Minister Helen Goodman told Parliament.
The DWP manages to to claw back between £180m and £280m a year. Around £800m worth of benefits are wrongly paid out every year.
and those are just the overpayments they’re prepared to fess up to…..
Now Gormless Gordon had driven us to the brink of bankruptcy he’s desperately trying to get some back……Am awaiting the announcement from 10 Dooming Street that the gummunt have taken 100,000 people off the unemployment register and given them all ‘jobs’ to visit every household in order to help you feel round the back of the sofa for those lost coins……
“The DWP manages to to claw back between £180m and £280m a year. Around £800m worth of benefits are wrongly paid out every year.”
So that’s OK, only £520m – £620m per annum lost forever then! I know that’s only small change to McBust & Co, but it would be cheaper to throw the cash out of Bernanke’s helicopters and sack all the morons who “administer” the payments.
We are joining the famous UK Labour party to get on benefits especially the
” economic opportunities for those that are not ideologically driven, but are mercenaries. This could be alternative livelihoods or houses ”
Our ideology is to get benefits just like UK ..very nice thankyou.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1246639/Taliban-bribed-jobs-houses-330m-plan-stabilise-Afghanistan.html#ixzz0dujKX78D
harpy harriet – because the other parties wouldn’t have me.
Is she some sort of party girl? Any pics?
(Any of them) Because I read Orwell’s Animal Farm, and thought “That’s a good idea!”
O/T but rather relevant,as Labour never worked and certainly won’t be in the future.
Guess the newspaper with this headline;
“More job losses amid fears recession will blight Britain for years to come
AstraZeneca, Shop Direct and Toyota all cut more jobs as experts warn that unemployment could rise for many more years”
Yes,it’s Polly’s very own…….
as experts warn that unemployment could rise for many more years
Can you guess whose fault that is going to be?
The Americans ! IT ALL started in America. Margaret Thatcher then came along and made it all much worse. Then I arrived on the scene and saved the world
( except N.Ireland )
The fucking lunatic has today ‘set a deadline’ of mid 2011 to ‘turn the tide’ in Afghanistan.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/south_asia/8484212.stm
What the fuck is he talking about? Like the Taleban are going to be sitting in their cave reading a copy of ‘The Times’ over breakfast and listening to Radio Four and give it ‘Fuck me, he’s serious this time chaps – he’s set a deadline…’
What kind of fucking delusional parallel universe does he inhabit?
A deadline of mid-2011 or…. ….you’ll what? Set another deadline?
For fuck’s sake.
In my cave here, reading London Times on my ipod, thankyou very much.
I want to know how I am getting famous Housing Benefit for 15 years as promised by London Prime Minister.
Is Form arriving for me to fill in in June 2011 or is famous Social Worker coming with veil to assess needs before then?
Afghanistan is landlocked
Luckily for them. Otherwise the yanks would have simply stormed up the beach on 9/12 instead of having to fuck about getting agreement from PKSt*n.
Zimbabwe is the same I suspect. I don’t think Blair could have resisted storming the beach there to rid them of their Maximum Imbecile.
That really would be a country deposed of its idiot mass-murdering leader without a shot being fired. Well – maybe one.
no 10 has announced that gordon brown’s engagements include an inspection of the new afghan navy on wednesday, followed by a deal to improve windsurfing facilities for deprived afghani children.
Gordon Brown: Myself and President Obama discussed this on the telephone and he agreed with me that it was the right thing to do. Thanks to the steps I’ve taken to join the party we have 4 new jobs, 123456789 businesses did not go under and all memebers of my family have Sky TV. I am leading the world in following President Obama and am proud to join the labour party alongside him. We took the necessary steps despite the torys who savagely refuse to join labour and are only interested in membership of the conservative party!
Charles Clarke: “Because it was fashionable to be a leftie when I was up at Cambridge.” Not funny, but true.
Why did I join New Labour?
As the song goes:
“Money for nothing and the chicks are free.”
I said that should have been our anthem. But as usual per bloody usual, Peter bloody Mandelson said he knew better.
Well Peter, who’s been proved right now?
Mandelson: “I’m in the LABOUR party??? Shit, get me Cameron on the phone…”
Fool Willas : so the delectable Miss Lumley could show how impotent* I am
* er. important
It was the right thing to do – Jus` Like That
Crikey – three idiots together – what is that called – a pile of shit?
That is called a thicket.
We are Laborg. Resistance is futile.
Heh.. Laborg: “You will be inseminated”
I’m a PC and Windows 7 was my idea
*PC blue screens*
PC 49?
Mandy: Because it looked good on my building society mortgage application
I joined Labour so that I could have power to:-
• Destroy the Monarchy and give up the UK’s Sovereignty
• Destroy the upper classes
• Destroy excellence and elitism
• Destroy education esp grammar schools
• Enable the Many to obtain First Class degrees in Dancing
• Ban the Bomb
• Destroy the lower working classes by diluting the national blood with imports
• Ban all things traditional and rural esp country sports
• Ban the production of meat by promoting vegetarianism and animal diseases such as Foot & Mouth and bovine TB
• Tax businesses and people until the pips squeak
• Rebuild everything in society and communities in our own image whilst ensuring that everyone is dependent upon the State
.
These Labour Party Policies are built on the four pillars:
.
Envy, prejudice, ignorance and hatred
Spot on
I’d call that ethnic cleansing ! Wouldn’t you?
National Socialism ?
Where there is initiative, we will Health & Safety it
Where there is goodwill, we will CRB check it
Where there is Community Spirit, we will multi-culturalise it
Where there is patriotism, we will demonise it
Where there are close-knit communities, we will ghettoise it
Where there is trust, we will Data Protect it,
Where there is national pride, we will eschew it
‘cos Scientology is too expensive
Phil Woolas: “Free tampons and ladies clothes”.
Oh yes !! All within the rules.
Gordon Brown why did you join the Labour Party? Because I hate people, millions of people and that was the quickest way to get my revenge, I read that it worked for others in History books, but I’m not like them I’m too clever to get strung up or put in front of a firing squad… Marr, can I just interrupt you there Sir, the err medication thing, no worries along that front?
Quentin Davies: “My Bell end needed maintenance so why not get it for free, what-ho!”.
I was suffering from piles at the time and a nice young man called Tone, with big ears, affected smile and a slightly feminine affectation promised that joining the party would cure anything that anybody was suffering from.
The shame is that it was only later when I saw a constant stream of the living dead entering cabinet posts that I realised just how truly he had spoken.
p.s. I’ve still got piles and no longer support Labour.
You must and get over this bad experience not all Gentlemen are complete rotters, shove them back up with a broomstick handle and get on with your life again, you owe it to yourself.
Further correspondence will not be replied to.
Piles of what?
If a nice young man like Tone turned up it must have been piles of money.
“Having never experienced a tory government in my adult life, I’ve primarily been Labour because of my family. Blind political voting is dangerous and I’m pleased to say that Labour now have my vote not because my father convinces me so, but because I can visibly see the positive influence their policies have on society. I’m proud to vote for the Labour party who, regardless of popularity, will pursue what is right. The smoking ban, the minimum wage, the hunting ban, the successful 2012 London Olympics bid, Liverpool 2008 Capital of Culture, the substantial investment in education and health – all of these have happened under Labour’s watch. Labour’s investment and dedication to improving society really does make a difference and, for that reason, Gordon Brown has my full support. Spread the word, people. Let’s continue to make Great Britain great under a Labour government.”
800bn quid in debt. A deficit of 200bn quid this year and next and jackasses write shit like they’ll be voting for Labour because of ‘the hunting ban’. Surely this arsehole is ‘doing a Polly’ ie taking the piss.
Oh. And the ‘smoking ban’. What a c*nt. Only happy when they’re telling people how to live their lives. And delighted about the fucking Olympics. Another 20bn quid down the drain for a ginat two week fucking Sports Day. No country or city in history has made money out of the Olympics.
‘Winning’ the Olympics is like spending a million quid on lottery tickets and then going on the piss because you won 25,000 pounds back. A lot like squandering 300bn quid and celebrating the end of recession off the back of 300 million quid of ‘growth’. And even that anaemic ‘growth’ was entirely wiped out by inflation over the quarter.
It’s like reading those ‘personal’ reviews which purport to reflect someone’s real experience but which coincidentally, just happen to mention all the main selling points of the product.
Return to Central Drafting, please …
I don’t know what the scribe was smoking but clearly Labour have forgotten to ban it
Ive never tasted a banana but I just know that oranges are better. Makes sense?
Those apparatchiks usually can’t spell, must be a plant from the politburo.
Lets continue to make Great Britain grate [sic] under a Labour Government.
Capital ‘L’ for Labour, lower case ‘t’ for tory. Probably an English teacher (English as in a language, not real English)
Oh and I forgot to say that Labour make the best apple pie
And Oh……..mummy washes dishes at Buckingham Palace
Actually the last line is true ” make Great Britain Great under a Labour Government “….because it isnt !
…….good question, er…………
To get away from my wife…
It didn’t work!
You should have married a woman instead mate, but then anyone who looks and acts like Damian from The Omen can’t be too choosy..
Peter Mandelson – “because the Tories were embarrassed by my links to big business”
I vote Labour because even though I have the intelligence and capacity for hard work I would rather do other other things with my time and rely on others to fund my lifestyle.
The downside is that because I have to rely on other to fund my lifestyle it is necessary to despise them and therefore I have to vote for a party who will tax the “providers” them within inches of destruction, I require special taxation for things such as luxury cars and expensive houses that really get my back up.
And also although I have never seen a fox outside of a Beatrix Potter adaptation I think they look really cute so I want rich people to be stopped from killing them. Because it offends my strong sense of morals.
Paradoxically though I have no problem at all with abortion.
Depends where you live. Plenty of foxes in the suburbs – of all types.
You want to know where the 30% are who will vote for the fraudster Brown?
Take a look at Liebour’s website;
“I lived most of my child hood under a Tory goverment where my parents struggled. Since we have been under a Labour Goverment Britain has been a much fairer place and Gordon Brown is a decent, honest man.”
See – even a hoodie supports them.
Do you see the power of the BBC?
How could anybody characterise Brown as ‘honest’? How? How is that possible? Even the Grauniad doesn’t stoop that low in its propaganda. That only leaves ‘The Mirror’ and the BBC.
‘Honest’?
‘Honest’?
What the fuck would dishonest look like?
BBC are nothing but a mouthpiece for the left with a disingenuous homage towards
impartiality. I’ve given up listening to them for news, preferring American sources. A common view there is Britain is a socialist country despite having a so called conservative party.
Honest Joe Stalin?, I’m just a regular kinda mass murderer, Sorry, getting myself mixed up with Tony Blair, its so confusing.
‘Honest’.
Well Jonah McDoom won’t be allowed to put that on his (many) job applications in the future, it isn’t allowed.
so I could employ ethnic slaves below minimum wage
Baroness Bristol? (circa 1650).
Blair: To devastate the Euphrates with radioactive ordnance
I joined to be with other like-minded twats. I also like bullying and Gordon Brown is my hero
To get off on state funded porn
Mohammed Patel : “So I can bring over half my village for free food, housing and clothing without them even having to learn English, whilst enjoying the democratic right to protest in the streets about how evil the West is without fear of recrimination”.
Blurtin’ Bob Ainsworth: “Well it beats a life in the army”.
That’s fucking hilarious and eerily true!
Because I am :
a) a deluded “caring” sociopath
b) an in denial authoritarian champagne socialist
c) a sincere but naive person who’s nan was likewise
d) an envy riddled spiteful git
e) all of the above [X]
the above form has been filled in for you because we, the Labour Party, are all of the above too.
Ronnie Campbell: To improve the quality of reasoned debate and exist on no more than a miner’s wage.
I think she favours the mother.
to prove that incompetence is no bar to the highest office
I think you’ll find it was me who settled that one.
conceeded, you are right, great leader..
I’ve discovered a campaign song for Labour.
Apart from the obvious ‘Yooooou’re shiiiiiiit and you know you aaaaaare’…
Possible song for Brown….
Pink Floyd (1973) Dark Side of the Moon
Brain Damage
(Waters)
The lunatic is on the grass.
The lunatic is on the grass.
Remembering games and daisy chains and laughs.
Got to keep the loonies on the path.
The lunatic is in the hall.
The lunatics are in my hall.
The paper holds their folded faces to the floor
And every day the paper boy brings more.
And if the dam breaks open many years too soon
And if there is no room upon the hill
And if your head explodes with dark forebodings too
I’ll see you on the dark side of the moon.
The lunatic is in my head.
The lunatic is in my head
You raise the blade, you make the change
You re-arrange me ’til I’m sane.
You lock the door
And throw away the key
There’s someone in my head but it’s not me.
And if the cloud bursts, thunder in your ear
You shout and no one seems to hear.
And if the band you’re in starts playing different tunes
I’ll see you on the dark side of the moon.
“I can’t think of anything to say except…
I think it’s marvelous! HaHaHa!”
Tony Blair: I joined up because Peter threatened to tell everyone that we slept together unless I did……
Shaun Woodward: Because I was born to govern (and my old friends told me to fuck off)
I quite liked the song ” Things can only get ( now what was it?).”
I am forgetting to ask important question:
Is famous Meals on Wheels being made available ?
Housing Allowance also needs to make sure we have plenty of bedrooms for non-ideologically driven brothers and of course famous Sky Sports like you are getting .
I joined because they sent me to Berkeley
Because I look like a cod, and I heard everyone had chips on their shoulder.
Keith Vaz: To atone for the fact that I was sent to public school (Latymer Upper School) and that my real name is Nigel (too posh).
Prawn Dimarola: So that people might think I was intelligent
My real name is Dimma Prawnarolo.
because my principles are even lower than my IQ
I will tell you
if
you give me a job.
Oi, McBride!
You got those chairs on the desks and the gates locked yet?
It’s because I couldn’t get any respect – not my dad, not my mam, not the kids at school. Then I discovered student politics – what a relief. But then it was the same old thing from the lawyers. Of course I get respect now – I got to shake Mugabe’s hand didn’t I? and may I remind you that Condoleeza Rice slept on the airplane floor so I could have her bed. Secretary of State – sheesh – nice girl, but strange, kept referring to Bush as “my husband”. Very odd. I think it’s beginning to dawn on me that there might be people more abused than me.
God told me to. At least that’s what I think he said.
Prezza: Because how is is a working class lad to learn croquet.
I joined the Tories so I could lsten to Lennie Tristano’e Intution
http://www.destination-out.com/media/tracks/Tristano_Intuition.mp3
Disillusioned labour card carrier; So we could all do a re-enactment of the closing scenes of The Wicker Man, election 2010.
Harman: To get rid of all men
“I am looking forward to joining the[ Labour] party with which I have found increasingly I am naturally in agreement and which has just acquired a leader I have always greatly admired, who I believe is entirely straightforward, and who has a towering record, and a clear vision for the future of our country which I fully share.” – Quentin Davies(soon to be ex MP for Grantham)
Tony Blair: Because I saw the opportunity to betray my country in return for wealth beyond the dreams of even my avarice.
Charles Falconer: I was instructed to do so by my handler.
Harriet Harman: Because it made me feel better about being born without a penis. However, these days it doesn’t seem to be working for me.
Lord Goldsmith: I read a book about Vidkun Quisling. He was seen by many as the most despised traitor of his time. I saw that as a challenge. I am sure you will agree, that I have outquislinged Quisling.
“It was the right thing to do !”
Yvette Cooper: Because it was the right thing to do.
Brown: Because I’m getting on with the job
Ainsworth: errr, yellow?
Michael Portillo
“Because I wanted the chance to sit next to a real fat lady”
To balance out the idiots in the Conservative party.
“Balance”?
If we’re talking weights (which I assume we must be), I think you’ll find that the belt size is far fatter on the Labour benches…
James Gordon Brown Ph.D. (Failed, or should have been!):
Because I want to botty-bonk the English
Prezza:
For t’pies, t’rumpy-pumpy and t’croquet
Josef Stalin:
They are my kind of people.
Darling – who’d want to be a solicitor
Brown – no one else would employ me
Mandelson – The Rothschild’s told me to
Harman – because someone has to fight for wimmin
Tony Benn:- “The hereditary principle”
Shaun Woodward:- “Because they’re in power dummy”
Most of the rest 30 years ago:- “Because working for the Labour Party is more comfortable than working for the trade union, and working for the trade union was more comfortable that working in a trade”.
Most of the rest 20 years ago:- “Thatcher”
Most of the rest 10 years ago:- “Because saying you’re a Tory makes it much harder to get laid at university”
The wonderfully named Quimhead has the winner:
Ainsworth: errr, yellow?
Hazel Blears:
“I did it all for the little guys”
So my wife can claim for my masturbation habit
David Blunkett’s Dog – “You know he’s given me fleas”
And all sorts of diseases – some of them curable.
Socialism is like lassa fever: it focuses its beams!
Margaret a Beckett
‘To get my own back for what they did to Thomas’
Esther Rantzen:
“Not if I have anything to do with it!!!”
If that puffed-up conceited cow gets in, Parliament is going to look like a piss-poor 1970s BBC programme.
As a career criminal I lead a hazardous life.
Labour Party membership is the best insurance cover that money can buy.
David Lammy:
“I didnt even know where England was till someone showed me”
You mean Like Henry the 7th suceeded Henry the 8th. ?
Look up his life on Wikipedia
Ahhh, have an awful feeling that I’m not going to like that, bt here goes…
Mental Health Problems
To fuck the English up their arses and steal their taxes
I wanted to be a laughing stock when I grew up and am.
I wanted to do something with my life and help others line my pocket.
I wanted to make a difference but failed.
I was sick of seeing the wealthy getting wealthier so did it myself.
I wanted to whine about social injustice and broadened the gap.
I wanted to be someone the public respected and failed big time.
I wanted to work with talented people but got a load of deadbeats.
I wanted to prove people wrong when they called me an wanker but couldn’t.
I wanted to be part of a new labour movement but it was just a load of laxative.
I wanted to be Prime Minister and succeeded
Tam Dalyell:- I was bullied at Eton.
To stop the English getting access to new cancer drugs
Labour member- Because I am an paedophilic sexual deviant with a penchant for ‘Brown’ love.
For £70million
I’d join the Labour party if I got to shag cheap fat slappers as well.
Because I am a fat fucker and The City Tory boys all despise me.
Because I have made £100m by selling dodgy goods to the fuckwits at NuLab
In fairness he had to do something after passing on Bill Gates’s new fangled windows operating system. I mean thats not like it caught on did it ?
We are deciding now to join famous Labour party.
Postal voting now available in British provinces.
Stamps not bloody cheap but worth it.
Harman: Because everywhere else promoted equal opportunity
Mandelson: “So I will always be the smartest guy in the room.”
Oi vey!
Margaret Becket
Because they would not let me get on new faces!
Margaret Becket
Because I’m not two faced otherwise I would have used the other one!
They all join because there is no one so lonely as a single hypocrite.
You must have more than one hypocrite in a group to ensure that nobody will tell you what you are or judge you for it.
David Bercow:
“The big boys promised me I would see deead foxes and toads there”
JG Broon:- Well it takes a lot of effort to carve one’s place in history. I, of course, will be remembered as the worst Prime Minister since….oooh…since Tony Blair.
Oh I am so depressed!!
Blubb…
Sniff…
Oh hell, I’ve wet myself again!!
Why did I join the Labour Party ?
To escape Criminal Prosecution.
To live like a Lord on the back of my poor constituents.
To shag My staff and other unknown women in the Palace of Westminster.
To misuse Public Office.
and to outsleaze the Tories !
Up the Workers Brother !!!
my grandfather was a big knob in labour and I fancied a peerage.
Because I have a chin.
Definitely the loser!!
I enjoy banging my balls around the lawn with a very large mallett…
When u end up in the lords..can we have a go with cricket bats ?
Tony Blair once told me he joined Labour because he wanted to be the one whose policies would succeed where Maggie TRhatcher’s failed and restore the poverty gap to 19th century levels.
Labour Succeeds Where Thatcher Failed
Mandelbum sucks Brazilians
It was either that or the Tango advert
Dianne Abbot
I tried to get into a nunnery but couldn’t make my way through that door!
So I joined the Labour Party. Everyone knows it is a b-r-o-a-d church!!!
To think the unthinkable.
harriet says
i ad a dream
to loose my aitches and be the champion of the chavs
labour cabinet says
to LICK tonys and gordons BOOTS and KISS their ARSES
BOY WERE WE GOOD AT IT.
It was the one place where my mediocrity would look like excellence.
To shag the unshaggable
Ed Balls. So I could say endogenous growth theory, and not be thought a dick.
Gordon Brown – To prove Margaret Thatcher wrong. You can spend your way out of debt.
THE PRESCOT MAN
HES ALREADY ACCKOLLEGED THAT HE AND ALL HIS PEOPLE AND I MIGHT SAY THE PEOPLE WITH HIM AS SELF CONFESSED TORIES WHO HAVE BEEN PLAYING CROQUET ON THE LAWNS OF THE GENTRY AND AT THE SAME TIME SNEERING AT THE POOR PEOPLE OF HULL WHO BYE THE WAY AN IT MUST BE SAID THAT ELECTED ME AN WHATSMORE MY PAULINE WITHOUT A COMMA INSIGHT
I FEEL AS THOUGH I SHOLD REPLY TO THE CRITICISMS THAT HAVE BEEN ON YOUR WEBSITE SIR. FACT DURING MY SO CALLED AFFAIR WITH THE TRACY ONE DID I AS A MEMBER OR AS A MINISTER USE ANY JAG ON UNNOFICIAL BUISNESS THIS ASSERTION HURTS MY PAULINE MY WIFE OF 40 YEARS NEXT NOVEMBER AND TO WITT AS IT WHERE AND AS SUTCH TO PUT IT BLUNTLEY YOU ARE SKATING ON THIN ICE AND IF THIS ASSERTION WAS RAPEATED AS IT WAS I WOULD BE ON NO ASSERTION BUT TO SUE
MODERATORS
AS A FULL MEMBER I AND INDEED ALL MY STAFF WHO HAVE BEEN WITH ME FOR AT LEAST TWENTY YEARS AND ALL UNIONISED TAKE OFFENCE THAT YOU WOULD TAKE WHAT I HAVE SAID AND POURED OVER MY STATEMENT LIKE SOMEKINDOFA 11 PLUS ENVICULATOR AS INTELLIJENT AN ROUNDED MANN YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOU AND OR YOU AN YOUR KIND
DEAR SIR
I THINK THAT MR PRESCOTT HAS HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR BEAR BEATING. YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF. THE MAN WAS ONLY TRYING TO GIVE US AN INTEGRATED TRANSPORT SYSTEM AN WE SHOULD HAVE GIVEN HIM MORE TIME IM SURE THAT ANOTHER 15 YEARS AND HE WOULD HAVE SORTED THINGS OUT
TRACY
DEAR TRACY
FAR BE IT FOR ME TO CAST ASSPERTIONS BUT WHAT IS YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH THE EX-MIN
WELL ALL U TWITTERS
GOINN TO BED NOW BUT REMEMBER THIS TORY CUTS COS YOUR THICK SOUNDBITES WORK WITHYA ALL AN I MEAN ALL THE PLP WICH AS A GROUP ARE STRONG BUT AS AGAINST THE TORIES ARNT AS GOOD ANITL WORK WITH GORDON
AN NOT A COMMA INSIGHT
Neil Kinnock – because a thousand generations of Kinnocks have been members of the Labour Party
Ed Milliband – because my brother told me to
David Milliband – because by brother told me to
@505
Bloody Briliiant
‘In Labour, I saw something I could believe in’…… D Blunkett
From an early age I realised I was stupid and was looking for somewhere to find like minded people.
Go Down Broon: I joined because it was the only way to get out of the manse.
It was ripe for a cheap takeover
You’re ‘aving a laugh, right?
Well the Tories would never have entertained a shirt-lifter like me
Tony promised me a top job….
Tony promised me a top job…..
I wanted to be President of the National Union of Students
I wanted to be President of the National Union of Students
I wanted to be President of the National Union of Students
I wanted to be President of the National Union of Students
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