Friday Caption Competition
Another Twittish Tweet from Kerry McCarthy | BBC
What’s the Point of Our Anti-Business Secretary? | Ruth Porter
HuffPo Hiring Pro-Iranian Mehdi “Act of Desperation” | Fox News
Krugman is Seductive, Simplistic and Unrealistic | Jeremy Warner
Lower Taxes, Higher Growth, the Statistical Evidence | CPS
Bash the Unions, Gatecrash the Quangos | ConservativeHome
I Told You So: Euro is Doomed | Douglas Carswell
PM Speaks for the Nation When Bashing Balls | Quentin Letts
Time for an Alliance | Dan Hannan
Farage’s Plan | ConservativeHome
Guardian Open News is a Failure | Heather Brooke
Balls Calls for Deeper Cuts | Speccie
Lessons from the Thirties | CPS
PMQs Idiots | Harry Cole
Jon Cruddas is Not the Messiah | Dan Hodges
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Lord Lamont told ITV News…
“I think the PM is just human and Ed Balls is a pretty irritating person”
I prefer the Jag….
Amazing what unelected power you can get in this country when you sell your soul to the NWO bankers.
Democracy you say?
The Real Hoon: “Nice smell of leather. And plenty of grunt”
Fondlebum of Boy: “I think I’m in heaven”
Goodness me Geoff this is the best vibrator ever ohhhhhhhhh.
“When he phoned I thought he said ‘trade a cock demonstration’. Now I know he meant five grand to trade-in your old crock for one of these. A mans mans car, very muscley but not too butch won’t you say”
BMW salesman “No mi Lord, Maserati are not making an electric Quatroporte.”
Mandy “Bugger”
“BMW Salesman” It takes one to know one!
Mandy, “It’s a bit constricted here at the back, I think I’m feeling a little queer!”
Companion, “It takes one to know one!!”
Tap one of my mates up and that’ll pay the Mortgage.
Push these Scalelectric cars on the British and the Unions will get us out of Hock for the next election.
The gullable electrate will fall for anything, even though most of union members don’t agree with subsidising Labour.
OBAMA IS LIKE BUSH BUT EVEN BETTER
http://www.corrupt.org/news/obama_is_like_bush_but_even_better
a pair of twats?
No. A twats useful
Lord Fondlebum: “The acceleration is absolutely amazing…and it slips into top gear like a well-oiled Brazilian”
Or ‘This is a tighter fit than Reinaldo, but I’m not complaining.”
No Officer, everything’s fine..
Yes, it is Hoon. Yes, he is on day relaese; you see, he thinks he is a cabinet minister and we are just on our way back to the home.
“Your place or mine ?”
One cnut or two?
Looks like a couple of Hoons in a (wait for it) Hoonda???
I know I know
Your forgot your coat.
Worst Caption Competition ever.
Worst. Comment. Ever.
Just found this little article by Dolly psychoanalysing his cronies – some interesting observations that apply to Mr Brown right now.
And he finishes by telling us that he is studying for another MA at Essex. They must have checked his academic references on the application carefully because we have never heard about Essex again.
Since he only managed to do half his course before he was kicked out one should presumably assume all his ideas are half baked!
“Energy efficient cars are the future….this one runs on hot air”
Mandy: “I have nothing up my sleeve” – That’s what I’ve got him for!!
I could do with a fag
Sorry thought you said shag
“Are going to eat that green slime?”
“No, he’s with me”
F**k off peasants!!!!
Anyone remember a geezer called quietzapple used to be a regular here? he’s on the Indy replies pages claiming he only visited here twice…heres the page with his commentary
http://www.independent.co.uk/opinion/commentators/steve-richards/steve-richards-open-contempt-for-politicians-is-neither-daring-nor-clever-1669919.html
I’m glad you took that watch off,last time it cut my nuts.
We’re in the front and the battery’s in the back so the chauffeur sits on my lap, right?
Who’s driving this train wreak?
Yeah take off your watch, my pubes got caught in the strap last time you w@nked me off in here.
Does all that elctric power from the battery mean I can run my vibrator on it as well?
Yes, and bear in mind there are other uses for all this power. Have you noticed how comfy that chair is that you are strapped into?
“No you Hoon – aaaaaargh!!!” (Last remark is accompanied by flashing sparks, and the pungent stink of a burning arsehole)
Does all that electric power from the battery mean I can run my vibrator on it as well?
Yes, and bear in mind there are other uses for all this power. Have you noticed how comfy that chair is that you are strapped into?
“No you Hoon – aaaaaargh!!!” (Last remark is accompanied by flashing sparks, and the pungent stink of a burning arsehole)
“I’am actually the stig”
He’s a hoon….
They are all hoons!
Does anybody know if Damian McBride is married?
I ask because I have detected a mysogynist slant to his writing here this morning.
They are all hoons!
Does anybody know if Damian McBride is married?
I ask because I have detected a mysogynist slant to his writing here this morning.
Does anybody know if Damian McBride is married?
I ask because I have detected a mysogynist slant to his writing here this morning.
Does anybody know if Damian McBride is married?
I ask because I have detected a mysogynist slant to his writing here this morning.
Comment moderation is very surreal until you twig that bouncing back to the top of the article and then not finding your post (and thinking that you’ve gone mad).
Got me at least twice
Hoons is also peoples
Q How do you get 2 hoons in a mini
A make it electric
Ooo look, another home. I’ll take it and it put on expenses…
I thought, geoffrey, you were going to throw in a jag with the mortgage
I see that Watson’s handed back his mini (is that his PC on the backseat?)
“Should we take the office digital camera to this Conference?”
Hey! You there! Yes you! Peasant! Are you local? We’re lost.
Show me the way to a fried food establishment so that we may buy a tub of Guacamole.
Im Mandy,drive me
I don’t like hoons.
I look like a hoon
Taxi for Draper…
Off topic, love the quote in the comments on the Marina Hyde article Guido links to about the Drooper and Garraway’s engagement:
“When Piers Morgan greeted the news of their engagement this summer with the comment, “Derek bloody Draper! If I’d known the bar was set so low, I’d have had a go myself,” he seemed to sum up a popular sentiment”
Gordon told us to take it for spin
Hoon: My bell-end is like a huge fist.
Mandy: I’d always wondered what special ‘talent’ got you into cabinet.
Welcome back from your hols,hope you didn’t break a leg or arm skiing.
Albert, just a broken bank thanks.
PS GCSE physics probably goes something like this these days:
camps = dolts / hoons
Outrage and apathy in equal measure as Buff and Mandy survey closed RAF airfield for taxpayer-funded pleasure mansions.
You can come in the back if you want to…
We have a winner.
I concur
I second that
yes indeed – and can i have second helpings?
Yep Winner!
I was going to add one but I can’t beat “12″
Hoon ” I’ll just check my watch to see if we have time”
Looks like Guido’s magical numbering system has transformed what was no. 12 into no. 13…
Hoon “OK I’ll just roll my sleeves up first”
Thanks for your kind words chaps and chappesses. Another one that occurs to me is:
The Italian Job* 2009 remake, starring Mandy and the original Hoon:
“We’re in the self-preservation society…”
- with a ton of gold stashed in the boot (bought cheap on expenses from G. Brown), with Mandy and Hoon rapidly approaching the cliff edge…
* also known as “British jobs for Italian workers…”
Further honed into:
The Italian Job, British Jobs for Italian Workers Edition:
“We’re in the self-preservation society…”
- Mandy Mandelson and Buff Hoon escape with taxpayer gold (stolen cheap from G. Brown on expenses), with the traditional cliff-hanger ending, when Derek Drooper pipes up “Hang on Lads, I’ve gor an ideeah, all we need is a Red Rag…”
“Hang on, lads; I’ve got a great idea. …of how to get us a fourth term!”
That would be a cliff-hanger. Or maybe it would require a Gordon-hanger…..
Good job. You win.
News of the World scoop photo of kerb crawler and rent boy.
Gordon Brown misses a trick with the promotion of electric cars by not insisting the seats are wired up too.
‘how much for a good shafting?’
A picture from July 2010, as Labour’s elite settle down to their new roles:
“Someone call a minicab for the LibDems ?”
Im actually the stig
Lord Fondlesome of Boy and Sao Paulo: “Try to avoid facing the direction we’re travelling in”.
We’re shopping for whitewash but everywhere’s run out.
Fuck me. Shook his hand and the watch is still attached.
but have you counted your fingers ?
You might want to wash it amigo.
TWAT
Mandy : I see someone has let off a flying McBroon pig
Aide : There’s a line of bloggers taking aim and about to fire at it!!
Peter looks puzzled as the rubber gloved engineer begins attaching electric cables to the vehicle. “Sit well back in the seats lads, we’re turning on the juice”
“But this isn’t an electric car is it?” says Geoff.
BZZZZZZZZZZ .. KapazZZZZWHAAA ZZZZZ .. Sizzle.
Hoon
Someone’s programmed the Satnav for Beachy Head!
You look left, I’ll look right. If anything comes from behind we’ll just have to take it.
“There’s still a noise coming from the boot – go and give Draper another thump”
That’l teach him to steal chips from kiddies
not funny but Mandy should be thinking he could be PM for a few months if he plays it right now and dumps GB in the shit
Two Hoons in a Honda (poetic licence).
Well, we have well and truely f*cked Britain, so lets go!
Little Lord Fondleboy: Fucking hell Hoon, did you have to drop your guts.
Hoon rubbed his red wrists. Next time I’ll choose the fluffy cuffs, he thought.
MANDY SAYS: Hoon there’s a chap over there who’s saying your name starts with a C.
Mandy: I’m sure I said to Spliffer go after the Green’s not after Green
“I’m Mandy, unFly me”
(I think it looks like an airport in the background)
close second to “12″
Geoff Hoon dolls now being issued as standard to Cabinet Ministers to act as a decoy to attract slime snipers.
Fancy one off the wrist Pete?
That’s a nice boy!
“Look, Geoff, our first customer! Told you this dogging lark would be fun!”
Now is this definately the best dogging spot?
didn’t you mean blogging spot?
or splodging bot ?
Not realising he is in shot, the man on the right describes Mandy with a hand gesture…
Mandy: “All my ties are of the purest silk, and I wouldn’t want any of them crushed by a seat belt in the event of a minor collision.”
Is this the way to the barber? I need a Brazilian
Yes this is the left hoon drive model.
Should we both have a Brazilian?
We always face both ways!
Mandy: It is clear that we are both focussed on the same things.
Fuck of Hoon, you know that Ronaildo is the only one allowed to touch my gear knob
this seat is SO comfy……I think its because i’ve had a brazilian…..
damn EU wouldnt approve me expensing my Maserati. Ill have to take the limo instead
and they call this a gravy train? Tight fisted taxpaying twats
“Quick, close the window, theres a filthy scruffy squeegy man coming”
“too late …err … No thanks derek”.
PS: telegraph’s got a wanking joke in it (comments at bottom).
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/tvandradio/5169932/Did-Clement-Freud-tell-the-funniest-joke-ever-told.html
That is brilliant – have blogged it and the comment too. Hat-tip to Mr Cunliffe.
Mega!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hoony mate, did you make that smell?
Right, we’re in. Now what?
“Surely the plebs will not have such luxury as this – much to good for oiks who must boweth unto to me. I had in mind something along the lines of a plastic Fiat 500 for the common folk…
Is that booing I hear, How very dare they”.
Err…..Ge-eoff……this runway is disused…..isn’t it…..?
Have you never been dogging before?
Mandy demonstrates his mad cruising skillz.
Excellent -the cargo plane has arrived with my expenses
This is the best reply Guido, flag it.
Did you manage to get my films included ?
That Fawkes fellah thinks he’s done us over but phase two will be delivered soon. The bit where the white race is done for because Obama has been elected. Why would EU Willie (18 pints) do this to the Conservative Party?
Hello Gary,I see your still a sad person, you can help from a Pyscotherapist,I believe mr Draper is now free,give him a call,he might give you a consultancy at trade seeing you belong to the same party.
But, Fred, we commies are concerned that Dave has lined up the Tories with an EU lunatic that reckons the white race is finished.
I think it’s called the EU Conservative Party.
A departure from the EEP.
Ooooo I hope that isn’t the handbrake…!
Oh hello Jaqui, fill her up and check the levels please!
Excellent….
I said right here you nob head….
Surely he can’t have stolen my cufflinks, too?
How many Hoons can you fit in a Mini?
At least 2, apparently
I’m going for a SPIN
or
Does my ego look big in this?
going for a spin?, OK here’s my finger. Spin on that!
“I prefer a backseat driver!” …….”Reinaldo get your arse in here!”……..
Both look in the hope of seeing Derek Draper in the roadway….
“one McBride, a large bung and a happy meal for the ‘little one’”
I keep telling you Peter, if you won’t go even a little bit to the left, then we will just keep going round in circles.
Mandy recalls the last time he was in a confined space with other man….
Another one off the wrist, eh?
Recession. What Recession?
Spot The Hoon Competition
I say.. look ..
On that grassy knoll.
It looks like Derek Draper.
For gods sake, we’ve been driving for hours and i still can’t find that Whelan git either, Brownie is going to have such a gob on him if Guido finds him first.
Two double Whopperburgers with fries on the side and two shakes please.
Sorry, make that two Big Macs instead.
Mandy: “The last time I played with an electric toy this size…..”
Mandleson: “Can you point me in the direction of the nearest Post Office?”
Passer by: “Sure. Thanks to you, it’s 40 miles down that way”
Where’s the back door ?
Thought you were just pleased to see me.
“PARDON?…oh, let me lower the window first – did not know it was there – it’s been licked clean, you know…”
May 2010: – en route to the benifits office…
God, Hoon we’ve been driving for hours, still no sign of Whelan, Brownie is gonna have such a gob on him if Guido finds him first.
The pish ran away with the Hoon.
Mandy: We’re heading off to a drinks party on Jacqui’s new yacht, cancel my Polartis will you?
The Department for Work-shy and pensionable gets two more customers…
Altogether now, from the official nuLab book of one liners.. Both cabinet GOATs: ‘Don’t worry, he’s firmly in the driving seat!’
I feel more comfortable facing any way but the direction we’re now travelling.
Needed a driver. So the Ministry of Transport sent this chap
is he an illegal immigrant?
Labour government admitts its in far greater decline than even the British car industry….
Crunch test dummies
The batteries had made it a bugger to get Derek’s body and the shovel into the boot but now they were in the clear if they could find a wood within 15 miles of central London
Does each electric car come with a Hoon?
Man on right: “Where’s the battery for this contraption?”
Man on left: “It’s up my arse.”
Hoon – ‘You look for Guido that way, I’ll keep an eye out this way’
Mandy – ‘No point, he always finds a way in’
Electric car’s false start.
A bit like Gordon Brown’s premiership….
Mandalson Caught Dogging with Hoon
He ain’t nothin’ but a hoon dog.
“I say, if someone were to blow up this car, it would be the end of British democracy as we know it…”
Oooohhh – you little devil! Do you always grind your gear like that?
“Those twats on Guido keep calling you a complete Hoon, Peter. Are you?”
Hunt 1 : Of course, Guido’s latest wheeze is calling the female organ ‘A Mandy’
Hunt 2 : You’ve arrived then , you mandy.
Shit we just hit a squirral!
Oh wait, don’t worry it was only Hazel Blears…
tell me are they elephants flying over there?
“Look at all these green shoots – I told you I’d seen some!”
Mandy admits size matters…
You Hoon, I told you the Electric car story wouldn’t cover the Green cockup
I say, do the little people really have to drive themselves?
Reporter:Fancy a Hoon?
Mandy:No thanks, I’ve got to drive round with this prat…
Look! Flying Pigs. Did Gordon apologise?
(with hoon putting his watch back on)…
Mandy: “There are only 2 things that he ever takes his watch off for. One of them is having a bath. The other is to avoid injury to others whilst performing certain acts. And I’m telling you that there is no bath in this car.”
“Fantastic car, Geoff – did you buy it with your expenses?”
“Damian McBride?”
“Never heard of him”
What are you pulling back your sleeve for honey…XXXXX
Lets ask McBride, he knows where the bodies are hidden..
why you drive me around in this one, and we can rent out the Jag!
Eats, Shoots and Leaves.
If you remember Peter, Ron Davies said that the badgers wouldn’t be out till after dark.
Class!
I hope these seats are easy clean, Hoon has just followed through
Mandy: Geoff, this isn’t the cruising I had in mind.
Mandy to young boy: “If I give you a sweety will you come in my car?”
Reply: “If you give me the bag I’ll come in your mouth”.
‘Ok, petal. Just don’t mess my hair’
What no driver,you mean we have to drive this ourselves.
Mandy: “This was one of the busiest dogging spots in the South East until the recession hit.”
Hoon (after a pause): “Back to my place, then?”
It’s so silent and grim outside the “green-chair-zone” Geoffers old son…….it’s deserted……has everyone fucked off out the country?
Do I look good in this, or should I support the other BMW car industry by buying a BMW X5.
Mandy do you know what would make us all cheer up if you would and the rest of your mob of shysters who masquerade as a government would clear off to some old A Bomb or anthrax island and you and your cronies can spend the rest of you hopeless lives living on your own la la land
Leave us to turn our Nation around form the la la land that you have made us!!!!!!!!
“It’s OK, Officer, we’ll just put the handcuffs on ourselves if you _don’t_ mind, thank you, you untouchable scum chav ordinary-person.”
“Right Prime Minister, so me and Geoff have to wait until we see her coming out of the Home Office Building, then we accidentally run her over, then accidentally reverse over her again just to make sure…”
or better – “I’ll pay you to drive me around in this one, and we can rent out the Jag!”
“This will do for our Labour Parliamentary Group meetings next year”
Surely a bicycle will be sufficient!
Bloody typical! The hoon is not working.
” Sorry, I said pap the horn, not , Twat the Hoon.”
Oh no! The idiot hasn’t seen us and has only gone and taken the PC in a cab..
Peter, whats that smelly brown stuff on the gear stick.
Very kind of you to offer young lady but I was rather to meet some boys.
Of course, Peter was rather HOPING to meet some boys.
a hoon + a bum = ?
No worries, the EUSSR would always give me asylum.
Mandy sniffs the air and is reminded of his Brazilian as Hoon lets one rip.
“Mind where you put that dipstick you awful handsome petrol pump attendant”.
Which of these men’s partner described their love life to the Radio Times as “fucking an asshole”?
Would you like to come for a ride in our car, little boy?
Jesus Mandy….didn’t you see the camera before it flashed!??
The three wise hoons
‘Course we’re lost! You didn’t expect a monkey like McNulty to be able to work the SatNav?
Typical backseat drivers.
Don’t worry, he got it on expenses!
Schtum! Broon’s coming!
What’s it like being areal wanker mandy?
You’re virtually there Geoff.
Geoff Hoon’s £5,000 incentive to encourage low-carbon car sales – very low CO2 emissions, just needs a lot of hot air.
We’ill split the five grand. You can have two and I deserve three ‘cos I thought about it and you can pay me when the ”59′ plates come out.
Hoon:
This is an electric car and it doesn’t have gear stick. Let go of my knob!
The retards let out a little smile as the sunshine bus began its journey to Alton Towers.
With apologies to Madness for the parodied first verse, while leaving the second as originally written: -
I’ve been driving in my car, off to bail out Jaguar
Then a cruise up Primrose Hill with a bloke from Brazil
Sped off quick at half past nine, closed a factory by the Tyne
It says Rover on the door, the Government owned it before
I drive in it for my job, Gordon Brown calls me a slob
But I don’t really care, give me some cash and a pension spare
It’s a bit old but it’s mine, I mend it in my spare time
Just last week I changed the oil, the rocker valves and the coil
Just last week I changed the oil
Last week it went round the clock, I also had a little knock
I dented somebody’s fender, he learnt not to park on a bender, ha ha ha
Is this the kind of rubbish the smelly masses drive in now? Wheres my Jag?
Oooooh! ….I do like this back seat driving malarkey.
See John Lewis advert below ……no doubt aimed at the expenses hoons but they’ve got the list already!
Hoon 1: “It’s huge, Peter. Some months I just can’t believe how big it is”
Hoon 2: “You should see mine. And when you add in the EU pension as well, it takes me to well over £500,000 a year.”
Mandy, honestly, I thought that was the gear stick, I’m the only non-gay in the cabinet.
Guido – I only told you to blow the bloody doors off!
I assume that you roll in the extension lead when you arrive at your second home.
(singing to music on the radio) I’m hoony – hoony hoony hoony, So hoony….
So we’ve taxed the peasants too hard and they can’t afford bread? – well let them eat cake
“I can state with absolute certainty that there is no one else in the car with me.”
I bought this car by putting the seats down and claiming it as my second home.
“Which way to Brazil?”
Though Mandy’s driving was faultless, he added nothing to Labour’s funeral procession…
Peter, I said put your foot on the clutch,Not my crotch.
“hey young man how much for a threesome”
or
“how many boys can we fit in a mini hoony”
No officer, but he’s been drinking..
Green transport incentive unveiled : 2 hoons for the price of one
There’s never a cliff when you need one.
…” we left it to late, the economy just went over it!!”
I’m new to the caption comp……..who decides the winner and when?
Guido decides where and when….lately…….ask McBride!
One Hoon and one tit.
One Guy: “I was reading about Harold Wilson and Michael foot ”
Other Guy: ” Who are they?”
Is that the handbrake or are you just pleased to see me?
Hoon: Oooo Peter, there aren’t many little voter people houses around here. Were we misdirected?
Mandy: Fuck me, is that a jumbo jet coming at us? We’re going to die, kiss me Geoff…
OK, but no tongues
Who, us, nasty? Never! Now if you’ll let us get on, we have a sack full of kittens to take to the canal…
dollywho, dollywonk, dollywhat? certainly not i have never spoken to a dolly for at least three years last weekend.
One Guy: I was reading the report, great ideas, great policies, someone has taken a lot of trouble thinking things through”
Other Guy: “Where on earth did you find that!!”
(Voice over in the style of Jeremy Clarkson) “Some say he has a record of dodgy financial dealings. Others that you can only hear him when he’s lying.
All we know is.. he’s called the Shit.”
Absolutely Brilliant!!!
‘only hear him when he’s lying’
Encore, bravo, more.
Tom Watson isn’t around here either. Where the fuck is he?
I assure you officer, I dropped a travel sweet and Geoff was just looking for it between my legs.
Don’t you dare Officer me! Look what happened to Leon Brittan….
Mandy: Well that was a ruddy good ‘wrestle’, but next time can we tell Stan Collymore that he can’t watch?
LOL
“This will do nicely for the first citizen re-education camp……”
Hoon sighed, and put the latex glove onto his left hand. He knew what he had to do, if he wanted to be driven back into town…
Hoon you muppet this is the worse getaway car iv’e ever been in
I wanked him off and he gave me this Rolex. He’s promised me a Masarati tomorrow.
Hoon: We’ve been driving around this bloody runway for hours now, what time are they landing.
Mandy: Look I’ve told you before he’s a very secretive person, he doesn’t just meet anyone.
Hoon: I’m really getting paranoid now Mandy, if we get caught we are fucked.
Mandy: Don’t worry I’ve got your arse, anyway what are you worried about your already fucked, and I’ve been fucked more times than Christine Keeler. And STOP calling me be my real name, I’m Mr Pink remember and your Mr Purple
Hoon: I wanted to be Mr Pink
Mandy: Look…. Over there, I think that’s him.
Hoon: That’s him, over there in that moving tree.
Hands free Mobile goes off…..
Voice: It’s Mr Brown here.. were the fuck are you wankers, I’ve been hiding in a tree for the last 3 hours, I haven’t been spotted yet but I’m getting piles.
Mandy: ha ha ha ha, yeah right Mr Brown, it’s you isn’t it Guido there is no Mr Brwon he’s finished.
Hoon: Ha ha ha silly bastards thought they would catch us out with that one.
Mobile Phone Voice: Look behind you boys…….
Cue fade to black as the sound of a silenced gun firing twice and the noise of brain matter impacting on the front wind screen.
THE END
Very believable until that last sentence about brain matter!
Well I have used a bit of artistic licence, the sound of a vacuum hitting a windscreen is very difficult to imagine
. I suspect it would be a sort of poof 
Take a photograph of me with Hoon and I’ll have Jacqui Smith set the Police on you, now get lost!
“My Brazilian chum would love this”
lucky i’ve never had my picture taken in anything this small before fnar fnar
Hoon on right: “Gordon reckons we are on course to win the election”
Hoon on left ” Fuck me look at that! there is a pig flying this way”
There’s only room for one “Prince of Darkness” – and it ain’t Damian!
There’s even room for a Brazilian in the rear!
What do you mean you only do burgers at this drive through?
I wanted Fish and Chip and avocado mousse! Don’t you know who i fucking am! I want avocado mousse! I want it! I want it!
If I twiddle my cufflink Mandy’s head goes round
“Who’s got the remote?”
lucky ive never been photographed in some thing so small before fnar fnar
“Peter, I know this bit is called Star in a Reasonably Priced car, but did Clarkson and the team include a helicopter gunship before?”
what do you mean taken without consent officer? dont you know who iam? i dont do consent darlng.
Mandy: That’s the first time it’s happed to me.
Hoon: Don’t worry, it happens to all of us.
“Great disguise Dale”
“Not bad yourself, Guido. Right where’s McBride then?”
Well I’m not going to be able to give you a blow job in HERE !
Oh Mandy, this not allowed to look at eachother game always make me giggle.
WWhat do you mean, ‘Harriet banned that sort of behaviour ?’
Hey Heinz got a new motor? , I’ll bung you £5,000 or a couple of euros to top up the battery and co-sign my new mortgage deal. Oh the car? Its German, not available in the UK! Good aye? Still makes the non-driving PM look big; he’s in the UK right hand driving seat. I know its left hand drive, we’ll reverse the press pix, I used to be a PR man like McBride no one will ever guess!
no, no, I’m just the getaway driver.
Hoon “I always thought you look good in a Mini”
Mandy “That’s very kind of you Geoff, but if you don’t mind, I’ll put one on when the photographers are gone”
I bet they dont get a mention in the Bible
Nope. I can’t see anywhere to plug this sodding car in either.
You Hoon, no need to look embarrassed, just pass me my plug!
no way ….I had to claim 88p for that
Told you not to take your helmet of Stig – that paparazzo has got you nailed this time
Fondlebum sets off on his desperate search for a new country cottage.
“It sails at 3pm, you say? What ho. Can’t wait to reach Calais and leave that country we fucked up well and truly behind us”.
Mandy (to passer by) “Can you tell me how far is the Cock Inn?”
Hoon (distracted) “I haven’t even started yet, MiLord”
They’re getting better!!
That’s class
The Cockwell Inn is in Tillet, Herts.
“Where the f**k are we?”
“I don’t know, I’ve lost my moral compass.”
Heheh!
What’s that nasty smear on the back seat? Not us, Guv, we were looking the other way
The Blockbuster sequel to ‘Snakes On A Plane’, Lefty films (propaganda division) brings you, ‘Twats In A Car!’
‘See, monkeys really can drive cars.’
Ah! Not the one that got away from Hartlepool though, Damm EU spy!
Following Lab election catastrophe the new leader finaly finds venue for national conference
In a surprise twist the occupants of the car reveal their sexual preferences by the placement of their ties relative to the safety belt– and Mandy’s top!
no I don’t think if you offer them your watch they won’t print the pictures but it’s worth a try.
Keeerist, the things you see when you ain’t gotta a gun in yore hands.
Make that two Big Macs and two chocolate shakes please Derek.
Quality!
Cruel.But true.
Don’t be so darn miserable. Things can only get better.
http://ftalphaville.ft.com/blog/2009/04/17/54814/imf-worrisome-parallels-with-the-great-depression/#comments
I don’t understand it. The carpark is normally packed for the Labour conference.
Lord Fondleboyz: “Oh hello there…we’re just off to the airport to pick-up that nice Nick Robinson.
Only had to promise to give away another £250,000,000 of tax payers money and they said “no problem sir, take it for a test drive”
Ill have a Big Mac and Geoff will have a happy meal because he needs to cheer up like the rest of the country.
http://www.what-they-wont-tell-you.blogspot.com/
ave a look at this guys caption competition
Mandy: “Hoon told me, he’d just dropped his kids off at the pool and would I mind getting in the back? I told him this car’s only got front seats and I’m not a backseat driver.”
Hoon: “That’s not what Reinaldo told me.”
We’re at a standstill. I’m looking right, and he’s looking left. Nobody’s looking forwards. Neither of us is even pretending to steer. Thus we are a perfect metaphor for NuLabour.
I got it right in, up to about here…….. says the man sitting next to Mandy…
Some of that guacamole please?
Poooooaaaaaaah! is that the catalytic converter or has Derek joined us?
Do you think we could claim a second home allowance on it?
At tewlve tonnes of coal per mile thats the welsh vote sorted then
Mandy ( to the petrol station attendent by the window )
“Just a quick soap down and then buff it up with your chamois”
Hoon
“Then wash the car you greasy low life”
Dolly ( for it is he )
“Yes boss”
I say, the back seats and the boot are filled with batteries. So where the fuck do I stash my expenses?
Off topic but I’ve just seen a magnificent Draper lookalike on youtube – He’s called Tim Arthur and is ( believe it or not )Time Out Comedy Editor
my big end’s gone
Mandy ( to Hazel standing by the door )
“Buzz off, you can’t have a go, your feet will never reach the pedals”
Labour’s remake of “Smokey and the Bandit” failed to set the box office alight.
Smokescreen and the Arsebandit?
Where the f*ck are we?
Is Hoon saying “yeah my watch smells a bit but it still seems to be working”
Bloody silly photographer ….this’ll end up as a caption competition on order-order
Well that’s the self winding watch sorted for another week
nice on anne
Photographer “How do you get two prats in a Mini?”
Lord Hartlepool and Fay “I think you drive it down Piccadilly and turn left before the Ritz”
(Hint) – it’s a rather weak pun on Pratts Club
Geordie….how have you managed to get your post to remain at the bottom of the page for so long?
Mikel, do not try to understand the Guido comment numbering scheme – that way lies madness…..
Too late!
We like driving in my car. It is not a Jaguar.
press the tit
Mandy always gets to the bottom, mate.
I want to fuck you up badly because I’m the man with the Gordan gun…
G20 death was not heart attack
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/8004222.stm
A police officer has been interviewed under caution for manslaughter after a new post-mortem examination overturned the cause of Ian Tomlinson’s death.
The newspaper-seller was struck and pushed over by a police officer during G20 protests on 1 April in the City.
Now a fresh examination has found he died of abdominal bleeding, not a heart attack, as originally thought.
Lawyers for the family said the new post-mortem test raised the likelihood of a manslaughter charge.
No doubt the police will say it was self-inflicted and they were just trying to save him?
hoon [sings] ‘do you know the way to san jose..’
mandy [sings] ‘show me the way to amarillo..’
On that OT note, funny how with thousands of Police about, masked men had all the time in the world to trash the city RBS branch and were not apprehended, almost as though it was “allowed” to happen so that when the viewers see it all on their TV screens they come to realise how much the ZaNuLab ‘Police State’ is required to protect them! Meanwhile if you are a lone drunk or newspaper seller you can end up getting murdered.
How nice it would be if that fucking thug ended up in jail with the real hard cases.
My condolences to Ians family
What the fuck are you talking about? The family thought he was a pile of shite & didn’t want to know him. He was a fucking alcoholic pisshead & his eyes were bulging out of his skull in the early photo’s. Clearly gonna die whether he was pushed or not. They would have found him dead in his hostel bed the next day anyway. All his pissed mates say he was such a gentle bloke. Yeah right! That’s why his family loved him so.
If thats the basis for killing people then the UK population would be down to 10mill.
What a disgusting post, character assasination is your forte is it? You must be so proud. Irrespective of what this man was he did not warrant being murdered by the so called guardians of the law.
My place or yours?.
The Golden Gun was a million a shot. The Gordo Gun is a trillion – and the fucker missed.
because cream rises to the top..
shit floats
YOU’RE PLACE OR MINE?
major rear-ender, no vehicles involved
Mandy: “How do you blow the hoon, I mean, horn?”
Reporter; ‘Excited after your test drive, Mr Mandleson?’
Mandy; ‘I’ll say, Geoff has just told me he is going to drive it home later, if there’s any juice left in it’
Hoon; ‘Want a sweetie now!’
Copper (out of shot): Who’s that with you?
Mandy: Don’t worry, I haven’t paid for him out of the public purse.
we’ve just had a mini adventure
Kerb crawling, Rio style.
Why ask me? I’m unelected, unaccountable and uninterested who pays for this car! Drive on
JFC!
Full labour house on BBC R5 Mayo.
They’re all whitewashing jacquiboots.
Some wonk from Labour (Lorraine XXXXXX), Michael ‘Kneepads’ White and some plank from the Independent.
Lorraine Davidson.
Short and sweet.
BBC brings in commentators who say “Not Jacquiboot’s fault – and anyway she’s not as bad as her predecessors”
Passenger: I always look LEFT.
Mandy: I’m always RIGHT
Mandy
“Come on then honky-tonk, lets drive off into the sunset like Thelma & Louise”
Mandy: “Iv’e Fucked the car”. Hoon: ” Could you not wait ONE minute until I got my kit off”.
Journalist to Mandelson : How did Hoon explain the death of Dr David Kelly to his constituency?
Mandelson : He didn’t and they still voted for him. Shows how fucking stupid most of the electorate are, thank goodness. Anyway, there’s room for a little one in the back
Lord Fumblebum of Boy – “Do you know where the exit is?”
Attendant – “Don’t worry, the electorate will show you in June.”
Taxi for the Liebour party after the next GE.
Labour actors get ready for the final scene in their remake of ‘Thelma and Louise’.
Keep a keen eye out for the next salvo from Guido, eh Hoon… can’t always be relying on our man Hope you know.
Hoon: “Its vital in tough times like these that we set an example.”
Mandy: “That is precisely why I’ve decided to do my part and swap the Jag for a Bentley. Think of the boost that gives the car industry ….”
“no officer, neither of us were driving at the time, it was Gordon Br…. hang on, where’s he gone?”.
“Hi, my name is Peter Madelso. Nice to meet you”.
edit: “Hi, my name is Peter Madelson. Nice to meet you.”
Oi mate! have you seen that bastard McBride . My mate here is going to give him a right spanking
what do you mean ‘giveme a lift to downing street, steal your own car dolly’
Hoon – “And for our next policy announcement..”
Mandy “A £ 1 Million subsidy to buy rocking-horse shit..”
Hoon “That’ll keep Gordon Brown nappy, sorry, happy ! “
I know we were given it for nothing but can we still claim the retail price back on our “second car” allowance ?
I can’t see any smears on my side
“How about a blowy for £20.00?” (asks Mandy)
“No, it’ll have to be £50.00″ (says the rent boy, just out of shot)
“OK, then” says Mandy..”unzip your trousers”.
what do you mean ‘give me a lift to downing street, steal your own car dolly’
Pinocchio Reprise (or Homage to Machiavelli/Icarus):
Couple more fibs and we’ll have Take Off!
Geoff chuckles as he notices someone has put a sticker in the back window of Gordon’s car…
‘Honk if you think I’m a retard’
Mandy
“Wasn’t me” ( whistles )
Hoon “Which way do we go ? ”
Mandy “Well we’ve tried going to the right, then we tried going left, but now we’re completely fucking lost…so I haven’t got a clue..”
Hoon “How long do you think it will take the plebs to realise that the chance of them getting their hands on a £ 5, 000 subsidy before the next election is….”
Mandy “Shut up a minute.. ‘Is it a bird, is it a plane..’ – No, it’s a fucking flying pig.. !”
“Don’t wait up”
“honestly officer, we pulled over to have a look at the rod map”
Lord Mandelson “I really enjoy burning the rubber”
Hoon “Where’s the speedo?”
Lord Mandelson “It sure does!”
LMAO
At least you’ll be safe from Mandy, then.
Mandy “No I haven’t got a fucking idea where we are either, Geoff..”
Hoon “Still, it’s better than facing the music about McSnide, eh ? “
“We’re going to the Bank and are laughing all the way”.
Mandy
“Oh Geoff you naughty scamp, dropping that pretty young Andy Burnham off in the middle of that Toxteth estate”
Mandy to Geoff
“Home James ?”
“Hhhmm which one, eennie meeniee miinnee mo…”
Mandy, “Why aren’t we moving?”
Hoon, “There’s no-one left to take us for a spin.”
#1 It takes 16 hours to fill with juice
#2 Just imagine
#3 I am (sigh)
Mandy – ‘What will they think of next, the gear stick doubles up as a milk dispenser, just by rubbing it!’
Hoon- ‘Thats not the gear stick, but help yourself anyway!’
“I wionder if Richard Timney could us a hand”.
Hoon “Smile, Mandy, the article exposing this PR scam as a steaming pile of shite won’t be on the news stands until tomorrow..”
Mandy “Great ! We’ll back in the fucking bunker away from the plebeian masses by then…”
http://business.timesonline.co.uk/tol/business/industry_sectors/transport/article6108636.ece
* Check out the ‘graphic’ in the article.
** And the two pictures of Mandy Mincing in the Mini are worth caption contests all of their own…
Chirist Hoon,I don’t know why I agreed to come back.After sharing a yacht with an oligach it’s a bit of a come-down to share your minicab.Transport Secretary be buggered!
Mandy to the petrol attendent
“…and clean the indside of this back window, Dolly has been there licking the glass again”
How many of these can I get in my Jag?
Students give up on Rag Week ‘How many wankers can you get in a Mini’ after seeing the competition…
I could have been a contenda
‘Tell you what Hoony, good old BMC can still show the Krauts how to make a good car.’
‘Catch up, Mandy, it’s British Leyland now, ‘
Has Jaqui Smith gone yet?
What time is it?
Hoon by name… hoon by nature
Would you buy a used car from these men ?
Mandy: “I’m a very important minister, I’ll have to have the windows blacked out”
Salesman: “I’m afraid we only do them fully transparent sir”
:
MAndy: “well that’ll never do. I’ll have to whitewash them myself.”
Hoon: “MAndy, quick, look, it’s our consciences catching up with us… DRIVE DRIVE DRIVE”
Mandy: “what the hell? How can a conscience catch up with you? That just looks like that hairy beary scientist Mr Kelly rising out of that cryogenic chamber… Oh shit.”
Ah, excuse me commoner, but do you know where Oleg has moored his yacht for the weekend?
Hoon “We can say goodbye to all this pretty soon”
Mandelson ” Not me. I’ve done a deal with Dave”
Mandy “Do you think there is a listening device in this car, Geoff?”
Hoon “Well there is certainly one bugger in here”
Mandy ( to the salesman )
“Very nice but can I have the seats covered in ermine instead”
Totally unrelated to this shite but did you know that
“Mike Hunt can put out a fire”
http://www.independentmail.com/videos/detail/acfd-firefighter-year-mike-hunt/
Mike Hunt wins ACFD Firefighter of the Year award
Mandy “Did you hear that Mike Hunt is ACFD Firefighter of the Year”
Hoon “Don’t you mean Mike Hoon?”
hoon:
do you mind if i take my watch off before i check to see if there are any hamsters left up your arse, peter?
Geoff ( in a lecherous voice )
“…and this is my favourite petrol station, they do a good topless girl carwash”
Mandy
“Hello Jacqui”
That would be the only car wash where the sponges stay inside the car.
Mandy: ‘So who’s in the driving seat then?’
If you want to make it to the Lords Geoff, you really must wear your tie OVER your seat-belt
Plagiarised from the Hootsmon:-
Some more on Comrade Broon’s obscene e-mail scandal from the BBC,
“They have also questioned the role in the affair of Cabinet Office minister Tom Watson, who has issued a statement through lawyers saying he had “no involvement in or knowledge of” proposals to set up Red Rag.
And the Scottish National Party has said International Development Secretary Douglas Alexander also faces questions about whether he knew of the plan, pointing to a 2008 article in PR Week magazine suggesting Mr Alexander was a key player in the Labour’s “blog council” and had attended a meeting chaired by Mr Draper.
SNP Scotland Office spokesman Angus McNeil said: “It seems Derek Draper’s poisonous blogging plans were not only discussed with Downing Street advisors, but at least one minister as well.
“Douglas Alexander has serious questions to answer on his role in this scandal.”
http://tiny.cc/IkMMc
The vultures are circling……………………
wee dougee is innocent…
drat and double drat!… my nose has just pushed my laptop off the table..
“No officer I am not curb crawling”
You missed the 2nd sentence: “I’ve already picked up some Hunt and he’s sat in my passenger seat”
Guido: “Argh….”
Hoon: “I think you’ve seriously wounded him”
Mandelson: “Hang on, I’ll reverse and try again”
Geoff
“Well, it handles well and it is so smooth and responsive”
Mandy
“I know, I am rather proud of it you know”
Goon and Hoon.
Keep your hands up Mandy, it looks like you’re playing with yourself.
loolooks like
“Yeah, there’s an irritating whining noise coming from the driver’s side”
Salesman; (Enthusing about car) “Nice ride”
Mandelson; (Nervously eyeing gallows) “Yes, but look where it’s taking us”
Mandy saying
‘Have you heard the 2nd Post Mortem into Ian Tomlinson has found he was killed by an abdominal haemorrhage’
Hoon saying
‘Who cares, I’m off ski-ing for a month’
Dolly, “Got the time on yer cock?”
Mandy, “That was Buff Hoon’s watch up your arse”
Buff Hoon, That’s what I call fistycuffs”
“Yes of course the little unimportant people should buy British cars. You know I have always given my support wholeheartedly to all things British except on anything to do with Europe which is 95% worth and then I have to take a more global view of these things and return to my normal traitorous lying scumbag self. Now could you give me a push as my limousine is just around the corner, and my normal lard arse carrier has not yet arrived”
“Get your Rolex off Tony ‘cos I feel like a right good fisting”
comments(357) – if only!
Photo caption: Two-faced to the end
Speech bubble: Can I peddle yet miss?
Mandy
“Quick Geoff, hit the flux capacitor and get me back to 1997, this has all gone to shit”
Hoon; ‘do you know that my mini is electric?’
Mandy: ‘ ohhhh, ger it out in that lay by….’
Ian Tomlinson – PC up for manslaughter following dodgy post mortem.
Has Max Clifford contacted him via his Ouija Board – no, he must be slipping. The pissed up twat should have gone straight home.
He was going straight from Monument to Farringdon – until he got to the first police cordon, then he ran into more police a number of times as he tried to work his way round – before one of them ran into him. Check a map if you don’t believe me. However worthless his life might seem to you he did not deserve to be assaulted in the way that he clearly was in the video.
Nice little earner for his family who incidentally couldn’t give a fuck about him until that snake Clifford had a word in their ears.
Nonsense, you stupid hoon. Are you a Met bootboy, perchance?
Mandy: “At last there are no CCTV cameras. Hoon get naked.”
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/8004222.stm
Tomlinson death – the plot thickens
“he died of abdominal bleeding, not a heart attack”
Average petrol prices at the pumps have soared to 95p a litre and are now rising faster than in last spring’s fuel-price surge, the AA said.
Including the Government’s April 1 fuel duty increase, average UK petrol prices have risen 4.45p in a month.
tax tax tax the economy till no more R.I.P England
well…thanks…just comes naturally..I suppose..
when they said “do you want to squeeze into something small and german with a hoon”, I thought “well try anything once”
Fancy a swim now Geoff in Barrymore’s pool?
Not quite as exciting as this time last week is it…… surely Guido isn’t having trouble finding a graphic of cross-hairs big enough to frame Watson’s face….
“G20 death was not heart attack”
Surely the Home Secretary cannot survive this…….
If she had the smallest shred of honour, she would have stepped down long ago. Alas, I fear her skin is as thick as her skull and she will probably try to cling on, if only for the expenses.
Honour and NuLiebour politicians – very strange bedfellows.
We should wait for the official results of the cause of the fatal abdominal haemorrhage before the civil enforcement officer is formally charged with manslaugher.
But I agree that Jacqui Smith should be sacked. She is NOT serving the public in any way shape or form.
No, she’s serving herself – that’s all that Nu Liebore are interested in these days.
Wow Geoff, you must have the cleanest hands in the Government
edit ” you now have the cleanest hands in Government”
Geoff
“Damn I think I’ve flooded it…”
Mandy
“No, its okay, I always sit like this.”
Butch Farce-a-day and the bum-chance kid
“Yes………we just checking to see how many hoons you can get in a Mini mate…..of course you’ll get it back…….honest”
Mandy
“Right thats Guido trussed up in the boot, look at the map Geoff for the nearest woods…”
“Secretary of State for Transport Geoff Hoon is seen taking his pulse after a run in with a member of the un-dead class.”
Hoon: Nice tie
Thanks, Peter
Oh, look. There are some taxpayers!
I thought you said you knew where the job centre was, you Hoon!?”
Oh dear….Ian Tomlinson now said to have died from abdominal haemorrhage following a second post mortem…..
Chronic liver disease (alcoholic history) equals poor blood clotting and therefore a likelihood of haemorrhage.
There were other events earlier on, and we dont know if he was punched up then. A punch to the belly could do this, and rumble on, causing confusion as his blood pressure fell, introspection seen on the pre whacking video is consistent with him trying to keep going even as he is suffering effects of blood loss.
The whole area he followed is crawling with CCTV, so there’s a big job on to reconstruct who did what.
You can be sure that lots of hares will be set running by this finding!
Agreed, but they had a consultant on the news that stated the above and also stated that a blow to the middle followed by a fall was also capable of causing such injury. I shall wait and see what the official cause of the injury is before calling for any civil enforcement officer to be charged with manslaughter. He should be sacked and face criminal charges for the cowardly assault from behind though.
puch or a fall to ground and subsequent splenic laceration and ensuing fatal bleed
an alcoholic needs to cause himself liver failure before he will bleed like stink. the liver takes an awful amount of punishment before failing, decompensating and then knocking off ones clotting function
stink, in that the smell or pork. ney dirty copper
of course i,m bricking it! i never knew ronaldo could shoot from that distance
keep going your best yet
“Do you think my bum will look big in this?”
“What a wonderful day to bury bad news”.
Oh for the day we have a site like this in China
Hoon (the real Hoon): Does this charge on AC or DC?
Mandy: AC/DC old boy
Oh shite here comes that bloody girl withe the custard.
“‘The great fear of Brownites is that all of their activities over many years are suddenly now at risk of spilling out. It is an open secret that Gordon’s operation has been carrying out character assassinations, leaking documents and briefing against ministers and so on, but nobody has ever caught them red handed – until now. Now they have been caught out, it becomes legitimate to talk about all the other occasions.”
http://www.prweek.com/uk/sectors/publicaffairs/article/898741/downing-street-meltdown/
Anonymous……… I hope you’re a civil servant. If so it’s the best way I can think of you spending my taxes
Hoon “Seen anything interesting over your side ? ”
Mandy “I think I’ve just seen the ghost of Jacqui Smith’s career up there…”
Mandy: You say it runs on hot air? We’ll get one for all the cabinet then.
Two Hoons on a Mini Adventure -
“I see it’s name is Ol’ Sparky – it is only the car that’s electric isn’t it”?
Hoon “So what do you do when you run out of juice ? ”
Mandy ” I pay a gimp to give Reinaldo one for me…”
Hoons:
“Don’t worry about the discount, we’ll take the £5,000 in used notes please”
Hoon – “But Mandy, what do we do if the battery runs down and we’re out of range of a charging point ? ”
Mandy “Ah, I learnt a little trick from David Cameron about having a proper car following behind with the briefcase so we can continue with our journey.. ”
Hoon – “Who says the Tories are an idea-free-zone !”
seems the dead brazilian terror suspect / newspaper man now died of an abdo bleed
how the f*ck does one confuse that with a heart attack mr friend of the filth pathologist
can i extend my feelings of jubilation to pc plod for any manslaughter charges that will be coming his way after offing an innocent man – and to the other pigs that sought to offer a wall of silence
the spin of the met was worthy of mandy – within hours reports of the police being under attack themselves whilst coming to his aid, then the dead mans drinking problem
nasty bastards indeed
Mandy: Was that you old boy?
Hoon: What, that smell? God no, that’s Harman’s knickers she left on the back seat
Could have been worse …. might have been on Frau Schmidt.
Would have been too easy to use Der Minister fuer Stadt Sicherheits name there. Plus I wouldn’t, would you?
Do you do couples?
Hoon “Any sign of the Digital Engagement Minister ?”
Mandy “Not a fucking sausage..”
Still no sign of Gordon’s Super-Puma Geoff. Lets hope nothing bad has happened!
“Oh. So this is where I’ve been.”
The Montengro Aluminium finish is rather nice, don’t you think. It’s smear resistant too.
Mini demonstrate the New Labour 2009 model – it slowly grinds to a complete halt as it runs out of power, is bereft of any new innovation and comes with a rather nasty email system made in Scotland.
Oh, and the 2 hoons come as expensive optional extras.
or …
“Mini demonstrate the New Labour 2009 model – it slowly grinds to a complete halt as it runs out of power, is bereft of any new innovation and its Scottish power steering has a major fault which makes it permanently turn hard left. Mini regrets that the new backstabbing seat mechanism has not yet been fixed but accepts full responsibility and informs the public that they have now got rid of the engineer responsible.”
“We’re on a road to nowhere
Come on inside”……
Peter wondered if the light at the end of tunnel was getting brighter….
Then it hit him
Hoon: I thought Thelma and Louise hit the road after doing him in?
Mandy: Yes, well, the missile is in flight as they say….
P.S. No wonder these hoons never see anything that goes wrong , they never look where they are going.
P.P.S. I wonder if it relates to the old “windows should be beside one, and not in front of one” sense of entitlement to limos felt by New Labour…
I do hope not as back in 97 TB wrote a lovely bit on business travel sent to all Government Departments.
“We can both get one of these on expenses”.
“…is this where one does dogging?”
“Does my Hoon look big in this?”
or
“Geoffrey, don’t try to take the handcuffs off”
Sorry, as usual, you had to be there………………..
From Political Betting [William Hill] has reopened its Jacqui Smith surviving 2009 market. It’s 1/2 that she’ll “..cease To Be Home Secretary in 2009?”. That looks like a good bet. [Mike Smithson]
Hoon “What the fuck is the point of trying to frig the numbering system so that your post goes to the bottom ?”
Mandy “Well, it demonstrates that one is a Hunt with a very small penis..”
” We’re just going for a spin. In circles as usual. Chase me.”
Hey! Is that a factory with people still in it?
Hello Officer – we’ll come quietly
Hoon, “Is there a deposit on this car?”
Mandy, “Don’t worry Geoffy, it brushes off easily and nobody will ever know.”
Mandy is saying, “Of course Ministers have diplomatic immunity from charges for kerb crawling, now how much for a spit roast young man?”
If only I was still at the MOD…… I could have used a much bigger gun
Mandleson “It may only be a Mini, but its still a lovely tight fit.
Hoon “That’s NOT the gear stick Mandy”.
Mandleson “I’m looking for something a bit more sporty and exotic that handles those tight spots well.
Hoon “I don’t know what those Air Force people were moaning about, they can still afford tarmac.
If this electric car doesn’t make it to the end of the runway, I’ll get out and push you from behind.
hoon/mandy [together] “Eat me under the dashboard, Jeremy Clarkson ! “
Mandy to Guido (outside the car): “No I don’t know. What IS the difference between a hedgehog and an electric car?”
“Thank God we no longer have to look out at all those horrible little businesses and shops that were plaguing Britain back in 1997″.
“Look this is where they all used to be”.
I know it’s a bit cramped, but just hop in, sit on my lap and I’ll take you for a spin!
” Let’s drive up to Fred-the-Shed’s and have a good laugh”
Osborne takes revenge for Smeargate by spreading rumour that picture exists of two senior Labour politicians both dressed in a mini.
So, Geoff, no one else has Damian’s BCC contact list?
Mandelson: “Yes it is a nice suit, I’m glad you like it, you’re paying for it.”
Stop the car – that salon has a half price offer on brazilians.
Whose driving this thing?
Guido forgets to bring his targeting telescope when he went out on his hunting expedition.
“I do believe I see some green soup coming”
“I don’t think so, Mandy, it looks more like particularly rancid shit just got homesick!”
Take your watch off, the fisting scratched my hole when you left on the last time.
Winner
Two dripping hoons in a Hoon box driving off to the Hoon Crusher ( Home Office).
Yep I agree Winner
It would drive a lot straighter if it had a frigging steering wheel.
It’s left hand drive. Leaving the right hand free for er… signing autographs?
I`m all a-tingle can we make this in Brazil
Image above is a still from an amateur youtube homage to The Dukes Of Hazzard starring…
Geoff as Luke
Mandy as Daisy Duke ( in teeny denim shorts )
and off shot – Tom Watson as Boss Hogg
“Tell me Geoff…..do you enjoy films about gladiators?”
Mini Mandy’s past was Merc-y in Brussels
Prince of Darkness: I’ll drive one one of these when hell freezes over or my not-so mini EU pension runs out…
http://www.libertas.eu/uk
Mandy…..does this watch have to come off for the fisting?
Thank God we bought those Predators from the USA
Mandy: “If you must know my suits were from Crutch and Foreskin (formerly of Pisspot lane EC3) but now I prefer a mini with ermine”
Hoon (Cringing): “Take the viagra in future, my wrists really ache”
Mandy to Hoon “Geoff can you touch me up a little, there’s a cameraman coming”
That’s new – he has stolen my watch for once
Mandy & Hoone exit a Downing Street strategy briefing…
Mandy: “Hoon baby, please tell me, just why isn’t there any escape from that lingering foul Downing Street smell?”
Hooney: “I know, it’s all around us. I’m using a can of Lynx a day to try to keep fresh but it’s just not working like they say in the advert”.
Mandy: “Be a dear Hooney, keep your window open, whilst you do smell lovely, I just must cleanse my freshly plucked nostrils of the remnants of a rotting Gordon before I throw up.”
[Too late...Mandy vomits over Hoon's lap]
Missed him again by inches! Quick, drive round and you can have another go before that bastard Guido makes it off the runway.
I’m a celebrity, get me out of here!
Mandy: ” Just going to have a quick Jodrell, Geoff ”
Hoon: ” Oh, would you mind wearing my watch then ? It’s one of those self-winding ones.
“Is this the way to Amarillo?”
He’s got a brand new car
Looks like a Jaguar
It’s got leather seats
It’s got a CD player (player, player, player…)
“Inbound” bearing 220.
E Mini, Mandy & Geoffrey – double Slimy
Mandy: We’ll put this on your expenses.
Hoon: I simply do not accept that. How about a toss up?
Mandy: OK, we’ll decide when we get there.
Let’s see how this runs on double high octane green slime
At the drive-in cinema for their date the smiles were quickly wiped off Mandy and Geoff’s faces when they released they were showing ‘In The Loop’.
where did you hire your used car salesman’s suit?
A 5Megaton what!!!!
Last night on Newsnight Guido claimed anyone could get in touch with and how easily accessible he is compared to the likes of Ian Hislop. How exactly do I get in touch?
Surely I don’t post whatever it is here on the blog on the off chance that he reads every single comment.
Go to the top right hand side, look between Messagespace and Google ads.
Thank you.
Email, mobile phone and fax numbers on the front page.
Hope you’ve got something good!
Mandy: “Christ, if he sings The Birdie Song again, I’ll jump out of this bloody window. This is Gordon’s revenge. I’ll get you back yet, Brown!”
How much does the Foreign Legion pay?
Each electric car comes with it’s own dedicated wind farm turbine
This car’s like our party – it’s not no fookin’ steerin’ wheel!
I’m about as straight a driver as Tom Watson, whereas Mandy does superb snaking under braking & U-turns
Just new on bbc.co.uk:
The solicitor representing PC T. Hug has come out strongly in his defense.
Apparently, video evidence, still under construction, will show the victim throwing himself at PC Hug’s baton and then flinging himself to the ground.
The solicitor went on to say that the victim’s widow and family will be sued for causing unnecessary stress to PC Hug, his family and pet dog ‘Bullseye’.
There are also rumours, emanating from ‘sources close to the Government’, that the victim was a Tory plant with a long history of contributing to Guido Fawkes’ blog and may have been the source of some of the leaks.
Yes, well don’t nag Peter, we’ll just try again but this time I’ll take the Rolex off.
Bugger me. Is that Guido over there?
Is that Guido over there? Bugger me!
There must be a Labour voter somewhere!
Crick on Draper and the hooker :
http://www.bbc.co.uk/blogs/newsnight/michaelcrick/2009/04/draper_and_the_hooker.html
Mandy…”Geoff darling, you’re better at this sort of stuff than me. It’s 3 laps of the track at £0.56p a mile, so that works out as…….?”
yes, Peter, we shall be safe driving through Helmand in this. Its as safe as the vehicles the troops have.
Mandy to photographer: Does my bum look big in this?
Photographer: Not sure m’lud. When he turns round I’ll tell you.
Caption: Butch Mandelson and the Hoondance Kid together again.
Did you hear the rumour that the porn videos were actually watched by the Home Secretary, (hence the naked men), and her husband gallantly took the blame?
I was MORTIFIED !!
Mandy: I admire your rebuttal technique.
I’m glad i got my watch back, a present from Gordo you know.
Mandy: Gordon told me you were an arse licker….which pleased me greatly.
BBC anounces new TOP Gear line up to be Mandy and Hoon. Clarkson found dead with Home Secs Butt Plug rammed up his jacksy. Hammond and May are under arrest following dawn raid by anti terrorist police, when questioned both were unable to answer as the sips on their gimp suits were still fastened.
BERR BERR………..BERR BERR…………BERR BERR…………BERR BERR
Answer the Hunting thing then Hoon at least do one useful thing
Mandy: That was a lovely watch McBride was wearing.
Hoon: Yes, isn’t it.
Psst.. Wanna buy some McBride emails?
Mandy: What do you mean – hydrogen fuels cells are the automotive future and electric cars are merely a useless PR white elephant being pursued by a government that doesn’t know its technological arse from its elbow?
BMW executive: Oh Mandy, you came and you gave without thinking …
which way to the dome officer?
Any of you press chappies got an extension lead?
We don’t need space for a babyseat ‘cos you can’t afford both a new car and a child. Sod off.
Why is there a problem with smearing? I get smeared with marmite every night and you don’t hear me complaining!
Whats this stinking Hoon doing in my car?
There’s the old one about the chaffeur who asks his master what these little wooden pegs are on the floor of the Rolls and he replies, oh, they are called ‘tees’ and are to rest your balls on when driving, amazing says the chaffeur, these Rolls Royce people think of everything.
Fast forward to today, Lord Mandlebum of Boy grimaces as he finds the vibration a touch to much as he squats on the hand crafted ‘only for the rich’ seat integrated vibrating leather butt plug!
With apologies to Mike Myers (Waynes World) and Queen….
To the tune of Bohemian Rgapsody…
Mandy (singing to the Hoon)
Is this the real life?
Is this just fantasy?
Caught in a landslide,
No escape from reality
Hoon
Open your eyes, Look up to the blogs and see,
Mandleson
I’ve got a Lordship, I need no sympathy,
Because I’m easy come, easy go, Little high, little low,
Any way the wind blows doesn’t really matter to me, to me
Hoon:
Guido just (metaphorically speaking) ruined a man,
Put a (metaphorical) gun against his head, pulled his trigger, now he’s dead
Mandelson:
Bollocks! He’d only just begun,
But now he’s gone and thrown it all away
Geoffers! (Comforts the Hoon) Didn’t mean to make you cry,
If I’m not back again this time tomorrow,
Carry on, carry on as if nothing really matters
Hoon
Too late, My numbers up
I got reshuffled, not resigned and insulted all the time
Mandelson
Goodbye, ev’rybody, I’ve got to go,
Gotta leave you all behind and spin some truth
Hoon: (feeling sorry for himself)
Oooooh, I don’t want to cry
I sometimes wish I’d never been born at all
Mandelson:
I see a little silhouetto of a man…. Scaramouche! Scaramouche! will you do the Fandango
Mandelson (recovering his train of thought):
Draper and McBrides fate is very, very fright’ning
(Guido Hawkes fault) Guido Hawkes fault (X2) GuidoHawkes fault certainly)
Hoon (Still feeling sorry for himself)
I’m just a poor boy and nobody loves me
Mandleson
He’s just a poor boy from a poor family,
Spare him some fallout from this monstrosity
Hoon
Easy come, easy go, will you let me go
Public chorus
No, we will not let you go!!
Hoon/Mandy in brackets – public chorus
(Let him go!) Bismillah! We will not let you go
(Let him go!) Bismillah! We will not let you go
(Let me go) Will not let you go
(Let me go) Will not let you go (Let me go) Ah
No, no, no, no, no, no, no
Voicemail from Draper:
(Oh mama mia, mama mia) Mama mia, let me go
Beelzebub has a email put aside for me, for me, for me
So you think you can stone me and spit in my eye
So you think you can love me and leave me to die
Oh, Mandy, can’t do this to me, mandy,
Just gotta get out, just gotta get right outta here
Mandleson:
Nothing really matters, Just lose your damn PC,
Nothing really matters,
Nothing really matters
Anyway the wind blows…
Nephilims note:
I realise that captions are supposed to be short and punchy – but couldn’t resist…
Geoff, I think we’ll go for the rebuttal.
Geoff: My hoon is moist.
Hoon: “Wonder if I can get it in up to here?”
I take full responsibility for driving this car , thats why the person responsible has gone…..errrrr
“Are we on auto-pilot?”
PM “sorry gordon brown , never heard of him , tom watson you say ?? no never heard of him either ”
interviewer ” so is this a mini misadventure ?”
PM ” geoff i think we should get our coats”
Which way forward is Peter?
” I only came here to toss a caber”
or
“I’ve tied this mini to my arse so I don’t slide in too deep to Hoon”
Mandy: “I’m so sorry officer, when you said blow into this I thought you meant…..!
Hoon: “I don’t accept that”
I Told derek damian was “ALL MALE” not EMAIL.
Hello little boy, would you like to stroke my bunny rabbit?
‘Electric cars are the way forward for you peasants,of course i haven’t got my name down for one’.
‘I wasn’t smirking when i said that ,i was laughing at how sincere i sounded during the interview’.
A disgusted tax payer.
Hoon: Peter is that the best Rolex you could get me?
Mandelson: Be grateful that it’s chaffing or I wouldn’t have taken it off. Now let me get back into my stroke.
Mandy: Good afterhoon. To hoon do you wish to speak?
Hoon: Oh, fuck off
“Excuse me Lord Fondlebum, would you mind asking your companion to refrain from licking the windows”?
‘I’ve always advised the party against smears and spin, it’s immoral and got something I would ever get involved in.’
Electric cars – now with complimentary Buffhoon.
The driving force of New Labour: Neither of them appear to be looking where they are going
And the security man said to his pal, “You look over there, I am looking over here!”
Mandy: I love the Noddy car – but where’s Big Ears?
Hoon: Last I heard, he’s running to be Pope.
fucking hell Geoff get the window open, that stinks
Here we go. Off up shit creek again.
Mandy: We’ve decided to rename this car ‘The Met’.
Reporter: Why’s that?
Mandy: Because you won’t get far without being charged.
mandy,
you hoon!
I know you’re reading this blog.
You only took the job with broon for the life time of perks in the lords!
you know he’s fucked, we know he’s fucked, he knows’ he’s fucked!
if you’re a democrat, tell him to call an election
Quick, Gorden’s over there. Put your watch back on, I’ll have that fisting later duckie! Mind you, I do have that lively arab lad in the boot…..hmmm!
Labour Lost?
or
“This looks desolate enough. We’ll tell Gordon that Damien has gone to live with a lovely old couple on a farm in the countryside. Now you get the shovels, I’ll get the lime”
Mandy : I’m with the “eyes to the right”
Bufhoon : I’m sure GB told us to be with the “eyes to the left” – why is it that us cabinet boys can never agree which way to go?
Mandy : Because GB keeps changing his mind. I’ll tell you which way to go, if you like…
“Quick, wind up the windows, I think this where all those awful British people live”.
Hoonail and I: “We’ve come on a runway by mistake”
(Hoon) “If only we hadn’t squandered so much money saving everybody but Britain, we could have saved Rover and built our own one of these”.
(Mandelson) “Never mind, we can buy it from another country, it’s important for the British people to show the rest of the world how fantastic we in Labour are”.
“You ordinary people should be more cheerful about the recession. Losing your job is rather fun. As is being poor. I, of course, having no family to support and a massive income, not to mention a gold plated pension pot, like to keep a smile on my face, thinking of you lot having to rough it.”
Has nobody thought of this yet?
2 Hoons: “hang on lads, I’ve got an idea”
Damn … isn’t Google Street View meant to blur our faces?
Honest politician recoils in shock from crazy mirror.
Mandelson: …and £5000 subsidy will be provided…oh I know its £30,000 but thats not much…er is it?
Hoon: No, just claim it on expenses.
mandy (by open window) “He has just dropped his guts again”
“Leave the talking to me………Hello, officer, my friend and I were just admiring the scenery when he dropped his pen between his legs. Try as I might, I just can’t find his little bic”.
I’m Mandy. Drive me.
Thanks for the wrist job
Two wonderful, kindly Comrades in an excellent German car.
Mandy to Hoon: Geoffrey, you can leave the watch on next time; and set the alarm as well.
Them two is like well wicked Labour politicians or whateva, they ain’t skank Tories innit?
That was for Chris by the way.
“Renewable power? I’ve had that for years mate.”
Now listen Geoff. We flog these battery things to the masses and tell ‘em how green they are and how it will “save the planet for the precious children who are our future” and then… This is the best bit……….. keep smiling and waving…….. We ration electricity at high prices because we haven’t built any nuclear power stations to charge the fuckers…. But we’ll call it “individual carbon accounts” and force the plebs to “trade” “carbon units” in a complex black market setting, neighbour against neighbour…… Christ, pure genius, that Al Gore should have headed the mafia, or better yet the EU and the CAP….
Keep smiling for the camera Geoff….. Meanwhile only WE will have cars that work, because WE will have exemptions to run petrol cars and unlimited fuel exemption with lesser privileges for the police and trusted accredited persons.
And the plebs and workers…. Let ‘em ride bikes. Well it worked in China for decades… And get this Geoff, WE get a commission from BMW for every one of these white elephants sold in Britain.
See, now you know how I afforded that house…..
A nightmare future. Could it be true. Sounds true.
I love it when the ride’s hard. Let’s go over the bumps again.
Lord Mandelscum: …and of course I’ve had these rear seats specially made to include a greased-up dildo …I affectionately call it “Gordy Rectummmmmm”
Geoffrey McHoon: Jeremy Clarkson just called you a cock sucker!
‘What do you mean I have no mandate?’
Mandy and Hoon test the first part of their exit strategy as the government sinks, the getaway car.
“Stuff them, they can use thousands of these cars to go down and pick up their benefits. That way we can keep production going!”
Just like in the toilets, take your watch off Hoon, it will make less noise.
Is this the venue for the back-door politicians’ ball ?
Hoon to the left of me
Hoon to the right of me
Stuck in the middle with you……………
For your chance to win a Great Prize, Spot the difference(s) between these two Treasonsous Genocidal Anti British Hoons.
No Geoffrey. Three fingers first. I’m not Gordon!
And finally…
Mandy “I think the clutch is slipping”
Hoon “Yes, I’ve got a bit of cramp in my wrist”
Me and Geoff will personally save the British car industry, by buying a car manufactured in the UK by a german owned company….doh
thanks for the blow job
do you own a yacht?
Fuck me Geoff it’s Guido.
Thanks Pete but I’d prefer to celebrate with a glass of champagne
Buff you have the softest hands
Can you tell me if there is a Post Office near here ??
just going for a spin
“Bring me the head of Guido Fawkes – and a bottle of fine Chianti”
” I have always wanted to wear a Mini – Geoff, does my bum look big in this?”
Have you farted again Mandelson?
We’re just off for a smear test!!
That’s positively my last offer Hoonie!
2000 quid for your limo – irrespective of its condition – the price guarantee works BOTH ways you know.
(Come to think of it……. so does the Minimum Wage. Wonder what stupid
mother trucker thought that one up?)
Phew! – I always thought Hoon was a big fart.
Phew!! – I always thought the Hoon was a big fart.
Mandy: would you mind turning the cameras off whilst my colleague gives me a good fisting?”
God I hate being north of Watford….
Is that a badger over there?
“One of our bombers is missing”
Mandy: ‘Hello little boy, will you come in my car for a fiver?’
Hoon: ‘Make sure you get a receipt off him. Don’t worry about the press, the cars registered to the wife….’
So, Hoony-baby, we’ll pack up number 10, kiss Gordon farewell and trade the car in for £4k at availablecar.com
“Yes, that is the great Buff Hoon, we’re sharing the car at my convenience.”
Lord Mandy says: “These are almost as Green as my underpants…”
The other replies: “Not as Green as mine though…”
“Yes, it is the great Buff Hoon, I picked him up at my convenience.”
Hoon: Did you read those McBride emails?
Mandy: Read them? I wrote them dear boy.
Mandy (to photographer): “Any chance of a swift hand shandy?”
GHoonn: “Allow me Sir.”
Mandleson: Can you see any sleeze out of your window Geoff?
Hoon: No, all I can see is Derek Draper!
Tenner for a good time?
Returning to the Caption Competition: “Election defeat dead-ahead!”
“Stop bloody complaining all the time – I have been assured that next year’s model WILL have windows installed”
Would all those reading this blog agree to their personal emails being posted? I thought not! It is a criminal offence to hack into somebody’s computer i.e.email for instance. In the USA they can be imprisoned for life, here it is still liable to a long prison sentence. Whatever the Labour emails contained, it was a private email and thus confidential to the person sending it and the person receiving it. I think everybody is going right over the top. You want to see the nasty leaflets containg defamation and lies put out by my local Tories against their political opponents. I say to this blogger and those Tories involved ‘Stop throwing your toys out of the pram’ and get on with the important matters affecting our lives. Emails sluring politicians may be important in the Westminster Village but the rest of us could not give a Fig. When is the the person running this site going to disclose the details of the person who broke the law and Hacked into somebody’s private email? Was it him I wonder? Lets have the name so that the police can arrest him/her and bring them to justice or are you going to be totally hypocritical and have one law for politicians, the rest of us and not for those running blogs?
you sanctimonious old fart
the above comment was directed @ Terry Mathews
Whatever the “LL.B(Hons)” stands for it is certainly not for spelling.
Ah….. Parker….. fetch the Rolls now.
Hoon – “What are you so happy about Mandy ? ”
Mandy “Knowing that Shaun Ley will be swimming with the fishes with concrete shoes after daring to question whether this vehicle would be available to the masses..”
Hoon – “As if we’d be seen dead in something driven by the masses..”
” The matter is now closed and no-one in government was implicated in Mr McBride’s dealings……oooops mind that pudding!”
Back to basics i say steam trains canal barges electric cars today tomorrow horse and cart then to find out who is bloody running this country??
Mandelslime: oh fuck it’s that woman again !