He's Still Jonah Brown

As we predicted beforehand, the Jonah effect wiped over 100 points off the value of the Dow and saw the NASDAQ experience its worst day since June. If you watch the video closely you’ll see that he even screwed up “ringing the bell” to open Wall Street.

He’s still the accursed one-eyed son of the manse…

Oops, He Did It Again

Just 24 hours after having to apologise for blowing his top at the coppers on the Downing Street gates, Chief Whip Andrew Mitchell tried to use the main gates again on the Thursday of last week.

No surprise then that the story broke on the Friday.

Don Mitchell, tilting at gates…

UPDATE: Talking of history repeating itself, a co-conspirator writes:

“About 18 months ago, I walked past the back of Downing St on the way into HMT. En route, I observed Mitchell at the gates screaming (not muttering …) at police that he was a Cabinet minister and was late for a meeting with the PM. It was fairly clear that he had basically forgotten his pass (or couldn’t be bothered to get it out) and decided to adopt a shouty version of ‘don’t you know who I am’ (clearly they did not). I don’t think he actually swore, but the outline as reported by the Sun seems entirely credible.”

It was only a matter time.

Sell! Sell! Sell!

Any whisper of greenshoots will be wiped out at 14:30 GMT when Jonah Brown rings the bell at the New York Stock Exchange:

“On Tuesday, September 25, Gordon Brown, UN Special Envoy for Global Education and former UK Prime Minister, and his wife Sarah Brown, founding Chair of the Global Business Coalition for Education will visit the New York Stock Exchange and ring The Opening Bell. In his capacity as UN Special Envoy for Global Education, Mr. Brown is joining with UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon at the UNGA this week to launch Education First, a UN initiative to put education on top of the development agenda.”

Arrrrrgh…

UPDATE: Oh no:

Chuka Charges Cash For Fan Photos

Just when Guido thought Chuka was toning down his Labour messiah act, he goes and excels himself in the ego stakes.

Wait for it…

A co-conspirator in Blackpool let slip that when the Shadow Business Secretary was at Labour’s North West conference ten days ago, Umunna demanded £10 for party members to have their photo taken with him at a dinner.

He’s so two faced he could have got £20…

Flamed Flamby

What has happened to Hollande? After coming to London and showering the capital and the Prime Minister with praise, he even managed to crack a funny:

“We also have an excellent relationship, as was shown again today at all levels, including in the field of defence where we have some ongoing, active cooperation. This shows that, beyond our differences, the most important thing is what unites us. It is the third time that David Cameron has welcomed me to London, though I did invite him to come to Paris even though we are not planning to organise the Olympic Games any time soon.”

Now this afternoon it’s reported that Hollande is going to be furthering his planned spending cuts. After his gold-gaffe and three  months in power, it seems reality is starting to bite for Flamby.

Compare and Contrast: Value for Gordon

The jet-setting former Prime Mentalist claims eighteen times the amount of expenses asked for by value-for-money lowest claiming MP, despite the fact that he never turns up for work…

Labour's Absent Earners' Expenses Bills

David Miliband is earning £500,000 a year and rarely takes part in the cut and thrust of Westminster any more, but that hasn’t stopped him from being one of the highest expenses claimants in the figures released by IPSA today. Miliband is the 20th greediest MP, trousering £170,500 in expenses over the last year. He needs it, they only pay him £116 a minute for his speeches…

Meanwhile the former Prime Mentalist claimed £127,197 despite the fact that he’s only spoken in one debate during the last twelve months.

Why are we paying so much for his travel when he never turns up?

MP’s Mum Whips Up S&M Book Burning Furore Fifty Shades of Grey Under Fire

A Labour MP has distanced herself from her mother’s call for a book burning of best-selling erotic novel Fifty Shades of Grey. Clare Phillipson, the director of a woman’s charity and mother of Sunderland South MP Bridget, frothed:

“Our concern is not the graphic depiction of sex – this is an abusive relationship presented as a love story. It normalises abuse, degrades women and encourages sexual violence. There is lots of abuse in the book, not just sexual abuse. Do millions and millions of women suffer from secret self-loathing? Do they all want to be treated this badly? Some of what happens in the book, Fred West did to his victims in his cellar. I fail to see what is erotic about that.”

Phillipson went on to refute the obvious comparisons:

“There’s an assumption that Nazis are the only people who burn books. What we are saying is, this book is rubbish and we would like to reduce it to ashes.”

When Guido spoke to Bridget about her mum’s S&M shocker, the Labour MP refused to be tied down by her parents’ strict views:

Ouch…

MacShame Own Goal

Self-proclaimed Russian expert Denis MacShane has been sticking the boot in to the Conservative Friends of Russia today. There is plenty to attack CFoR for, but Denis was up to his usual trick of stretching the truth:

Imagine Guido’s surprise when that turned out to be rubbish:

He just can’t help it…

£6,500 Reward to Set Off Ecuador Embassy Fire Alarm

Blogger and campaigner Mark Wallace is offering a generous reward for a brave upholder of the British justice system to set off the Ecuadorian embassy fire alarm and flush out Julian Assange.

The great and the good on Twitter have chipped in, and as we go to pixel the total stands at over £6,500.

Guido is heading towards Knightsbridge this evening…

Gordon Brown’s Mobile Phone Throwing World Record Broken

Ever since he was revealed to have furiously hurled three Nokias at a Downing Street wall Gordon Brown has been the unofficial mobile phone throwing world champion. Until now…

The Prime Mentalist has cruelly had his top Team GB achievement taken away from him after Finland set a new world record for throwing a mobile. 18-year-old Ere Karjalainen launched his phone an impressive 101.46 metres, smashing Gordon’s previous personal best of the width of a room in Number 10. Guido is sure Brown would never let anyone take his gold away from him…

Team GB Needed 63 Million Medals to Recover Gordon’s Gold

Team GB might have done the nation proud during the Olympics, but they needed to win a lot more medals if they wanted to earn back all the gold the Prime Mentalist sold off. Guido has done the maths:

Each gold medal contains 6g (or 1/5 oz) of gold.

This means five gold medals are needed to make one ounce.

Gordon Brown sold off 12.7 million ounces of gold.

5 x 12.7 million = 63.5 million gold medals.

At least the new Team GB did better than the old one…

Chancellor of Fire

The Prime Mentalist has caused a stir north of the border by recreating the famous opening scene from Chariots of Fire. Still dressed in a suit, Brown sprinted across a Scottish beach with former first minister Henry McLeish. A stunned eyewitness reported:

They were suited and booted and I wondered if it was a photo call. But there were no cameras in sight. They carried on to the front of the beach and it looked as if they were making a line in the sand. Brown ran about 50 metres and then stopped. The others stopped for a second but then carried on and ran for another 300 metres.”

Knowing Gordon, they probably should have let him win…

Expenses MP’s Son: Media Twisted Truth

Back during the expenses scandal it was revealed that Labour MP John Healey helped himself to £1,500 to replace his front door, £7,000 for a brand new set of windows and over £400 for two televisions. That’s not to mention the £88,000 profit he made from selling the flat he renovated with taxpayers’ money. Now Healey’s son Alex has done a Bercow, slamming the media for reporting the truth on Reddit:

The press can be so unfair…

Bad Omen for Tom Daley Tomorrow

The Curse of Cameron meme didn’t last very long, especially given Team GB had their most successful track and field day with the PM cheering them on in the stadium last weekend. What it did prove is quite how much Guido’s Jonah Brown campaign clearly got under people’s skin. The problem was that one was actually a real curse. So on that note, Guido is sad to say it’s not looking good for young diver Tom Daley, who having missed out on a medal already is taking part in the individual 10m diving tomorrow. This is what Sarah Brown just tweeted:

Will he be able to smash the curse of Jonah Brown?

Via @grimreaperblog

Swivel-Eyed Europhile Eddie Izzard Backs Team €U

Given his track record for backing losers it’s probably a good thing that Labour Eddie Izzard has only half-heartedly backed Team GB:

Has he seen the Commonwealth count?

Hunt Drops Clanger (Disco Remix)

Guido’s got that Friday feeling…

Breaking Video: Jeremy Hunt Hits Woman With Bell End

Telegraph Editor: Charles Moore Is a Tw*t

Sketchwriter Andrew Gimson may have lost his age discrimination case against the Telegraph after they traded him in for younger model Michael Deacon, but there was still one gem at the tribunal that brought a smile to Guido’s face. After former editor Charles Moore penned a piece for the Speccie backing Gimson, the Telegraph‘s current top dog Tony Gallagher emailed a colleague: “Gimson’s moving or fired. Moore is a tw*t“. Classy Gallagher…

Lord Coe-Cola Speaks for Sponsors

Seb Coe has caused a stir this morning by revealing the full extent of what you can and can’t wear at the Olympics in a Radio 4 interview with Evan Davis:

ED: Can I go to the Olympics wearing a Pepsi t-shirt?

[…] Read the rest

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Quote of the Day

Alan Sugar on Jeremy Corbyn:

“It’s clear you alluded to students refunds to get votes from young impressionable people. You are a cheat and should resign.”

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