Jolyon Maugham Jumps the Shark

Twitter’s most pompous attention-seeking lawyer Jolyon Maugham has jumped the shark – he is setting up a new political party called “Spring“. The poor man has gone quite mad:

“Theresa May has an enormous majority. And is a relatively popular local MP. Nationally she is divisive. And Maidenhead voted overwhelmingly to Remain. Labour is non-existent in the seat. And it is not being targeted by the LibDems. For an independent, without a local infrastructure, the seat is in practice unwinnable.

But.

There are local pro-Remain groups. The seat has great symbolic value. And – most importantly – if we can inspire people with our celebration they will come again. They will come early, tomorrow. And knock on residents’ doors, and smile, and talk.

The celebration will lay the foundations for a new political party. The strength of those foundations are our metric of success. We will collect members. We will build a brand. And we will raise funding. Spring. A new start. A brighter future. Spring is a party of the radical centre. Solutions for the world today and tomorrow. Not yesterday.”

Jolyon has accidentally published his plan for electoral success, dripping in self-importance and referring to himself in the third person:

Step One: Jolyon announces to The Maidenhead Advertiser that he’s standing. It filters out to the National Press. The website goes up, with a short biog, a teaser, a ‘register’ button and a ‘donate’ button.

Step Two: We announce the festival and some acts.

Step Three: We begin to release policies.

What next: There is a lot to do. But. If you build it, they will come.

You’d need a heart of stone…

UPDATE: Jolyon has changed his mind:

I’m very lucky. I have some great friends in the music and creative industries. Serious people. “It’s a wonderful idea,” they said, “but completely impossible to execute in the available time.”

I have at last, with great reluctance, accepted they were right. And I will not be standing.

That de-escalated quickly…

Neil Hamilton Endears Himself to His Constituents

How is Neil Hamilton getting on as leader of UKIP in Wales? A politician you could never accuse of being out-of-touch, Hamilton this week announced he is opening a new office in his constituency. Unfortunately Team Neil spelt the name of the town and county wrong in the press release. Not once. Not twice. Not thrice. But four times.

“People wanting to know more about the party and speak to either Neil Hamilton or his advisors will be able to do so at Whitlands (sic) Town Hall, in Whitlands (sic), Camarthenshire (sic) from Monday January 16… Neil has been busy planning where to site an office in his constituency and is delighted that he is now being able to open one in the town of Whitlands (sic)”.

Aides blamed computer issues for the faux pas. Fel rhech mewn pot jam…

Owen Smith Staffer Breaks Burnham’s Toe

Andy Burnham angrily told an aide that “some little sh*t” had broken his toe during the Labour v Lobby football match on Sunday. Which member of Her Majesty’s press corp was responsible? Guido can reveal it was in fact an aide to Owen Smith playing as a ringer for the journalists’ team. Who once again ended up on the losing team…

Sharp-elbowed Burnham was also involved in a fracas with a young political correspondent, telling him: “F**k off, you f**king pr*ck”. Calm down, calm down…

Bob Geldof Speaking Gigs: No Charity Requests Please

bob

Fresh from his ill-fated waterborne intervention during the referendum, Bob Geldof is looking for work as a corporate after dinner speaker. Bob’s agent has emailed round promising “Sir Bob’s keynotes are always bespoke and tailored completely to client’s requirements”. Apparently Geldof has “been paying a lot of attention to international politics” and is “very relevant to so many international businesses right now”. Sounds like he really needs the money:

“We also have a couple of other opportunities with Bob for ‘filler’ events where we can consider reduced fees and would already have the international airfares covered either in full or part.”

Geldof’s biography on his agent’s website boasts of his charity work but there is a message for anyone who tries to book him: “Please note: we are unable to assist with any charitable requests”.

bob2

Give him your f***ing money…

Mandy’s Mid-Air Tantrum: “My Favourite Seat is 1A”

PETER MANDELSON PLANE

A co-conspirator points Guido in the direction of a post on the Flyertalk BA Executive Club forum, where jet-setters share stories from 40,000 ft.

My experience was with a well known British Labour Politician, lets just go with Peter M ……

I was flying Qatar, London – Doha , I had rebooked 1A, when I boarded I noticed someone was in my seat, when I asked why, the said passenger told me “Please talk to the crew, this is my favourite seat, I am sure they will find you an alternative”

I knew the land side manager from flying every week for the last 6 months, so I had a word, as the Cabin Crew could not do anything as he had VVIP next to his name apparently, the manager asked for his boarding card, which was in 5D, after another 10 mins discussion which included the said person saying “surely this passenger can move to my seat” obviously thought that possession was 90% of the law. Finally he did move, not a word to my face and spent the rest of the flight refusing all contact with CC including food and drink.

Don’t you know who I used to be?

UPDATE: A second co-conspirator recounts another story about flying with Mandy:

“he has form – tried to get my brother moved from his seat “do you know who I am” and the kicked up a stink about being to stop using his mobile during take-off. Sadly the cc refused said brother’s kind offer to resolve the mobile phone situation.”

Back of the Net! Another Big Murdoch Money Deal For Coogan

Murdoch-hating coke and hookers aficionado Steve Coogan has an impressive record of slagging off Rupe while taking his money. Coogan has banged on about “Rupert Murdoch’s toxic legacy” and the “News International protection racket” for years, all while selling his shows Places of My Life and Mid Morning Matters to Sky for top whack. What do you know, Coogan has just agreed to trouser even more of the ‘Murdoch shilling’:

“Steve Coogan and Rob Brydon are taking their fine dining, gentle bickering, ruminations on getting old and endless impersonations of Michael Caine to Sky TV. After two highly successful series of The Trip on BBC2, the third series will be broadcast on Sky Atlantic.”

Back in 2012, Guido bumped into Coogan at a Hacked Off rally and asked him if he thought the deals made him a massive hypocrite. He comically disagreed:

“I am aware of it but I see a flipside, I think it makes me even braver. It would be even more hypocritical if I took his money and didn’t criticise him. What I’m doing puts me in even more danger.”

Congratulations Steve on your bravery and your pay cheque!

Hain Gravy Train Hypocrisy

On 3 November 2014, not even twelve months ago, Peter Hain told his constituents he believed the second chamber should be elected:

“The Lords are an archaic anomaly which fuels disillusionment with British politics. It exists purely on a democratic deficit which has been allowed to evolve unchecked for centuries… the fact is that people are fed up with an out-of-touch political class and the growing sense that Westminster is failing us all.”

Yesterday, he became Lord Hain of Neath, writing in the Guardian that “it wasn’t an easy decision“, it had required “considerable thought“, but he concluded that “more peers in favour of reform are crucially important“.

What was it about the £300-a-day attendance allowance that changed his mind?

UKIP ‘Protect Our Heritage’ Bag Made in India

unnamed

Commonwealth, at least…

Flailing Burnham Lashes Out

flipflop

Andy Burnham accused David Cameron of “dog-whistle” politics this morning for daring to use the word “swarm” to describe the swarm of migrants swarming the channel. You can almost smell the desperation in the camp as they start lashing out…

Here is Burnham talking about immigration during the 2010 leadership election:

“We were in denial. We were behind the issue all the time, and myths were allowed to develop. There’s still an ambivalence among some in Labour about discussing immigration. I’ve been accused of dog-whistle politics for doing so. But it was the biggest doorstep issue in constituencies where Labour lost. People aren’t racist, but they say it has increased tension, stopped them getting access to housing and lowered their wages.”

Burnham’s campaign is more screwed than Cecil the Lion on a trip to see the dentist.

The Truth About “Dr” Eoin Clarke

eoin-librarian

Much amusement as Andy Burnham’s favourite blogger continues to damage the Labour cause. After Burnham moved yesterday to distance himself from dodgy photoshop nutter ‘Dr’ Eoin Clarke, it emerges that Team Miliband also viewed the proven bullsh*t artist as an asset:

“When one Labour staffer attempted to dismiss Clarke’s latest laughable graphic, the two staffers were heard saying ‘we must not underestimate Éoin Clarke’.”

Guido suspects that there was a touch of academic solidarity occurring here…

Much has been made of ‘Dr’ Eoin’s eminent thesis on radical Irish feminism, but what does he actually do as a day job? His fans are quick to point out his academic background when defending his dodgy data and daft campaigns. He’s not even a real teaching academic:

He’s the librarian and tea-boy at a third rate university

Russell Brand: Absolute Twat

The Gospel According to Miliband

And lo, the Lord thy God spoke unto Miliband the Younger, and said: thou must control immigration.

Today’s Observer is not a spoof. It seems Ed has been hanging out with Russell Brand a little too long. Labour really have “commissioned a giant stone inscription bearing Labour’s six election pledges that is set to be installed in the Downing Street Rose Garden if he becomes prime minister.”

Apparently:

“The 8ft 6in-high limestone structure is intended to underline his commitment to keep his promises by having them literally “carved in stone” and visible from the offices inside No 10.”

They might as well write it on the barn wall…

HIGHLIGHTS: Miliband Stumbles Exiting Stage Left

After a brutal decking by the Question Time audience, Ed could not get off the stage quick enough:

Oh dear…

This was a hell of a moment:

Sleazy Labour Candidate Claims Tory Win Will Lead to Suicides

Labour’s grubby candidate for Hendon, the slime-ball former MP Andrew Dismore, has declared vote Labour, or more people will die:

“The graph below shows what has happened to suicide rates in the UK since the Coalition came to power. It was falling during the last two years of Labour government, but almost immediately the Conservatives and LibDem took over the rate began to rise.

The above graph shows that the number of suicides in the UK grew significantly following the introduction of the austerity policies of the Conservative-LibDem coalition. (Source ONS).”

Dismore concludes and long winded and poorly judged rant on his website with this corker:

“I believe that Labour’s economic beliefs are different from the Conservatives in that our approach is based on Judeo-Christian ethics which involve compassion and concern for the under-privileged and the common good.”

Such concern for the common good did not stop the expenses thief claiming on his expenses for a building used to house a homoeopathy clinic run by his girlfriend. Nor making up mileage claims that led the Commons watchdog to tell him to stand down back in 2009:

“Mr Dismore claimed for 5,360 miles — the equivalent of 487 journeys between Parliament and his constituency home 11 miles away in Burnt Oak. During that year the Commons sat for 145 days. Since 2001, the MP, who has consistently opposed reforms to the MPs’ expenses system, has claimed more than £30,000 in travel allowances — far more than his neighbouring MPs.”

Guido will be adding himself to those statistics with glass of whisky and a revolver, if this lying smearing crook is re-elected.

Russell Brand on Miliband

These days he has him round for tea, but Russell Brand was scathing about Ed Miliband when speaking to Mehdi Hasan just eighteen months ago:

MH: “Ed Miliband?”

RB: “Pfft. We could do better. We deserve better.”

And again in this Trews episode:

“Miliband’s in trouble. Because he doesn’t have the skillset, I think, required in contemporary politics.”

He also once called Ed Balls a “clicky wristed snidey c**t”. Even a stopped clock etc…

Tesco Was Doomed

With Tesco posting a record breaking pre-tax loss of £6.4 billion, questions are being ask about where it all went wrong.

The trouble has been brewing for a while at the supermarket giant…

At the beginning of the month Tesco in Kirkcaldy shut their doors for the last time, with the loss of 200 jobs. It will save the company a million pounds per year, yet devastate an already blighted community. The local MP had led the campaign to keep the shop open. Doomed, I tell you, doooooomed.

 

Andrew Mitchell Can’t Keep It Up

“I thought you lot were supposed to f**king kicking it…”

Via BBC Brum Votes

Jamie Reed Wins Worst Interview of the 2015 Campaign, So Far

Self-proclaimed Labour funny man Jamie Reed had a toe-curling outing on the Daily Politics. He was only saved from death by smugness by the live feed going down…

And here is the whole interview in its terrible glory:

#LabourDoorStep #GameOn #Fail

Twitter is unbearable on weekends at the best of times, but in election season it becomes a soul-destroying sphere of horse sh*t, with thousands of activists sharing grinning pictures and vague platitudes about the reaction ‘on the doorstep’.

Here’s one such interaction Labour won’t be sharing this side of the election, but should probably use in a’ how not to do it’ guide for the next time:

So far it’s had almost half a million views on Facebook. Well Labour did promise millions of conversations on the doorstep…

1.3 Million Facebook Views For Savage Miliband Take Down

Labour have managed to get Jo Brand to do their latest election broadcast. Last time she endorsed the party, they went on to suffer their worst ever defeat…

Meanwhile, over on Facebook, this video has spread like the clap:

Robot Ed’s monotone repetitive “these strikes are wrong” hit from 2011 is having something of a renaissance.[…] Read the rest

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