“Hard BreXXXit” on Richard Desmond’s Television X is from the same stable as the Daily Star, so you know the production values are going to be top-notch. As we are family- friendly these are the only images we are reproducing.
Guido is looking forward to following the adventures of Knickerless Virgin, Jizza Cwoarbyn, Teaser Maynot and Gladimhere Putitin. Certainly can’t be less plausible than Season 5 of “House of Cards”…
It seems the Corbynista contagion permeated the minds of young Tory voters too. Remarkably, and to the bafflement of her former colleagues, it emerges that Stephen Crabb’s ex SpAd Emily Poole voted for Jeremy Corbyn. In a post on her blog, Emily, who worked in both Cameron governments, mourned the demise of Dave’s “cuddly Conservatism” and backed Jez:
“In response to the inevitable question, “but how can you vote Labour though? Jeremy Corbyn is useless/a communist/a terrorist sympathiser”: I’m not saying I think Jeremy Corbyn would make a good Prime Minister. But guess what? The situation we’re currently in isn’t very good either. The NHS is in crisis, our national security is already at risk, first-time buyers haven’t got a hope in hell of saving enough money to own a property and good school places are harder to come by than a Jane Austen £5 note. Do I care whether Jeremy Corbyn would or wouldn’t press the red button? Well why don’t we all just work on the assumption that we’re pretty screwed if we get to that point anyway?”
Red Tory…
A shock in Hornchurch and Upminster last night as Mark Field’s bag-carrier Julia Dockerill – of Downing Street memo fame – won the selection by an outright majority on the first ballot. The candidacy had been expected to go to either David Cameron’s former SpAd Shaun Bailey or Chris Grayling’s SpAd Simon Jones. However, multiple sources tell Guido that local association members were furious at being handed a Spadocracy shortlist by CCHQ, with no option of a local Brexiteer. So they decided to vote for Dockerill to prevent CCHQ’s favourites Bailey and Jones from winning the nomination. Bailey meanwhile was victim of a brutal briefing operation from senior association members. As one member put it to Guido: “The coup to stick two fingers up to CCHQ won”. A timely reminder of how local Tory associations cause grief when CCHQ tries to centralise control…
The White House have released the new official portrait of the First Lady. Second airbrushing story of the day…
A very special guest for Chelsea and Fulham MP Greg Hands on the Commons terrace: his constituent Georgia Toffolo, AKA Toff from reality TV show Made in Chelsea. More commonly found in the MailOnline sidebar, Theresa May fan Toff is a politics enthusiast who when asked a few years ago how she would vote replied: “Tory. Definitely”. Pictured above left wearing traditional German dress, which will no doubt appeal to Herr Hands…
The killjoy civil servant behind the Whitehall anti-cake edict can be revealed as a Labour-supporting dessert aficionado. Despite warning her colleagues to refrain from sugary treats, Liza Pawlowska has proudly posted social media snaps showing a large, half-eaten sponge cake topped with whipped cream, and another of a tray of sausage rolls. She also displays her support for Remain campaigners Labour in for Britain. While unashamedly flaunting her love of cake online, Pawlowska warned her colleagues “to be more mindful… of those who have difficulty resisting“. She really is trying to have her cake and eat it…
Congratulations to French actress Isabelle Huppert, who has been nominated for an Oscar for her role in the film Elle. Would you believe that the sultry Parisian star of the silver screen is related to bearded former LibDem MP Julian Huppert? Guido has studied the evidence above and – sorry Julian – can see little resemblance other than the unmistakable shock of red hair. Julian fondly recalls his childhood family meetings with a young Isabelle:
“She’s come to stay before. I took her punting around 20 years ago. I’m very proud and delighted. She’s doing well. No-one compares to her.”
Well he certainly doesn’t…
Worldly readers will be aware of SexyMP.co.uk, the most popular banned website in the Commons which ranks parliamentarians on their looks according to a popular vote. The cheeky and good-natured site appears to have been sabotaged, Guido can reveal. In the last few days the vote has been rigged to push female Tory MPs to the bottom of the rankings. While the most photogenic Tories had previously held several places in the top ten, the first Tory MP to appear in the female rankings today is down in a lowly 58th place. Almost all of the bottom 50 places are held by Tories, while all of the top 57 places are held by Labour , SNP and Plaid MPs. An accurate aesthetic reflection? A theory is circulating among concerned users:
“This is not normal. The site wasn’t in this state a few months ago. Historical Rankings shows no significant favouritism for one party over any other. My best guess is that someone wrote a script to play SexyMP and have it automatically select the non-Conservative option when a Conservative came up. I estimate ~200,000 votes in total performed by this script.”
Those Russians have gone too far this time…
Yesterday in Brighton a top LibDem resigned for arguing careers officers should suggest prostitution as a line of work for voters’ daughters. Today they are focusing on the real issues: Japanese cartoon porn. The party has published a policy document calling for laws to be softened on extreme animé porn known as “hentai“, the Japanese word for “perverted“. Hentai is famously the preferred personal viewing option of nerds around the world, featuring mythical tentacled creatures and Japanese schoolgirls. Which LibDem wants to declare an interest…
The policy document also has this great clause on tiger sex:
“in 2010 a man was sent a pornographic video purporting to be of a tiger and a woman engaging in a sex act but which turned out to be a man dressed as a tiger – a fact that was only uncovered in the courtroom”
In unrelated news, an event this afternoon asks: “Will 2080 be the year we get the next LibDem Prime Minister?”
The hard-left is not living up to its name. According to a new YouGov poll, just 66% of left-wingers are satisfied with their sex lives, compared to 73% of people who describe themselves as “very right wing”. YouGov surveyed five countries and found a trend – right-wingers were more likely to be happy with their sex lives. Some other key poll findings: Labour supporters enjoy going down, which is probably a good thing at the moment. They’re also more likely to like spanking, though that could just be Simon Danczuk. LibDem supporters prefer watching others – well they’re not getting any action themselves. Trump is more likely to have a better sex life than Corbyn, not sure we needed a pollster to work that out…
The Daily Mail has issued a lengthy, grovelling retraction after Melania Trump filed a lawsuit against them in a Maryland court for publishing claims she was once an escort. Trump’s attorney Charles Harder is suing them for $150 million:
“Defendants broadcast their lies to millions of people throughout the US and the world. Defendants’ actions are so egregious, malicious and harmful to Mrs Trump that her damages are estimated at $US150 million.”
Harder is the infamous lawyer who represented Hulk Hogan in his successful suit against US gossip blog Gawker. Hogan was awarded damages of $140 million, Gawker was bankrupted and shut down. Late last night the Mail published a long retraction expressing “regret“:
“To the extent that anything in the Daily Mail’s article was interpreted as stating or suggesting that Mrs. Trump worked as an ‘escort’ or in the ‘sex business,’ that she had a ‘composite or presentation card for the sex business,’ or that either of the modeling agencies referenced in the article were engaged in these businesses, it is hereby retracted, and the Daily Mail newspaper regrets any such misinterpretation.”
Calling a presidential candidate’s wife a hooker does seem a little high risk. Gawker went under for reporting the truth…
Kay Burley shut down Trump-supporting alt-righter Lauren Southern on Sky News after the Rebel Media journalist said she could “put on some bronzer, get on a dinghy boat and show up on the border of Sicily with a Koran in hand and then be accepted as an immigrant”. They might see through her disguise…
Kay says Lauren will not be invited back…
Guido was concerned that burkini wearing fair-skinned Irish girls would no longer be able to protect themselves from harmful UV rays on the beaches in the South of France as a result of the ban. Good news for freedom lovers, as France’s top administrative court strikes down the Villeneuve-Loubet burkini ban. Women on the Riviera who have already faced fines even have the chance to appeal. The suspension means Muslim beauties like Miss Pakistan World, Shanzay Hayat, above, can wear what they like to the beach again. Ooh la akbar!
Fresh from HuffPo attacking hairdressers who failed to pay minimum wage, despite being themselves being sued for not paying writers minimum wage or indeed any wage at all, they switched to coverage of Olympics coverage. Specifically the presenters lack of skin coverage…
HuffPo are delighting social justice warriors with their coverage of BBC presenter Helen Skelton at the Olympics. While other media has noted Helen’s short skirts in Rio, holier-than-thou HuffPo mocked their rivals with the headlines “Woman Wears Dress” and “Woman Who Wore Dress Also Owns Bra”. Take that, MailOnline!
Yet a quick browse of the HuffPo site reveals they are obsessed with pointing out women wearing revealing clothes. Currently racking up the clicks on HuffPo today are stories about Kylie Jenner wearing a “naked jumpsuit”, Bella Hadid’s “nearly naked trend”, and another Kylie story about her “underboob”. Funny that these stories were not titled “Woman Wears Dress” too. Hypocritical HuffPo are feminists only when it’s good for traffic…
Readers may remember Captain Europe, the eccentric cape-wearing ‘superhero’ enlisted to make the case for Remain. Perhaps it should come as no surprise that a federast who likes to dress up in latex would have some exotic tastes. A browse of who the Captain follows on Twitter shows he has a keen interest in sexy wrestling dominatrix sites. “Pippa the Ripper”, for example, runs “The Submission Room”, where blokes pay for a spanking from ladies with names like “Killpussy“. Captain Europe just loves getting beat…
There are two major stories stateside today: Hillary Clinton has taken a 7 point lead in the polls and nude photos have emerged of Melania Trump in some racy girl-on-girl action. Hillary leads 46-39 in a new CBS national poll, a convention bounce after she was tied with the Donald last week. Meanwhile the NY Post has dug out some pics of a young Melania in bed with a Scandinavian model, published by a French lads’ mag in 1995. And now you’re up to date.
Who have the BBC got to front their new “CEO Secrets” series? Model, actor, and “entrepreneur” Lily Cole has been offering her “tips for business success”:
“Believe in what you’re doing and know why you’re doing it, so it’s very hard to run a business, and there’s going to be up and down moments, and in those down moments what pulls you through is, you know, inner conviction of knowing why you’re doing what you’re doing and believing in it.”
Inspiring stuff.
In other news, Lily’s taxpayer-subsidised social network Impossible.com has reported losses of £256,000 in 2015 and £250,000 in 2014. That’s despite taking a huge £200,000 grant from the Cabinet Office in 2013. The site achieved just 45,000 visitors last month. Please, Lily, tell us your secret…
Tom Watson has hired Steve Coogan’s 19 year-old daughter as his parliamentary aide. Clare Coogan Cole is Coogan’s daughter by his ex-girlfriend Anna Cole, who dumped him after he admitted cheating on her with model Nancy Sorrell and two other beauties. Coke ‘n hookers aficionado Coogan became close friends with fellow enemy-of-press-freedom Watson during their time campaigning for Hacked Off. He went on to star in several high profile Labour campaigns including Watson’s “Save the NHS“ tour. Generous of Watson to repay the favour with a paid job for Coogan’s daughter, who no doubt was hired on merit in an open, full and fair recruitment process. A taxpayer-funded favour for his multi-millionaire Murdophobe mate… up the workers!
Philip John May (above left)
Age: Something of a toy boy, 58 year-old Philip is a year younger than Theresa, and was two years below her at Oxford!
Job: A banker for nearly four decades, he works at Capital International. This won’t be the last you hear of Philip’s investment firm during the next two months.
How did they meet? You all know this one – introduced by Benazir Bhutto at a student disco of course!
What he says about her: Asked if Theresa used to be a corker, Philip says: “Was? She still is!”
Cheeky fact: Philip convinced Theresa to take part in a debate on why “sex is great” at Oxford.
Strengths: He’s a savvy chap, in the last few days he’s deleted his LinkedIn page.
Weaknesses: Victim of a wacky online conspiracy theory involving Philip and G4S which could’ve been shut down sooner.
What others say: Friends once remarked: “There is no jealousy there as you might sometimes get. Not an iota of that, on the contrary. Denis minus the drinks cabinet.”
Ben Leadsom (above right)
Age: Flaxen-haired Ben hits 50 this month, three years younger than Andrea!
Job: Holds 16 company directorships, house husband.
How did they meet? The City, natch.
What he says about her: “Andy” is Ben’s affectionate nickname for Andrea – well she does wear the trousers!
Cheeky fact: A keen dancer, Ben once entered Strictly Come Towcester, wearing a quite spectacular Union Jack waistcoat.
Strengths: Managed to win Andrea’s heart ahead of love rivals allegedly including her campaign manager Tim Loughton!
Weaknesses: Reported as having received offshore loans, though insists it was nothing to do with tax.
What others say: Andrea admits that more often than not she ends up “leaving Ben to deal with the mess, the noise, the chaos” at home.
So who will be our second First Husband?
Guido has unearthed footage that will surely send shockwaves through the Tory leadership election. A 20 year-old kilt-wearing Gover stood up at the Oxford Union, removed his boxer shorts and demanded a “nubile young girl” checks whether or not he is wearing a “diamond-studded leather posing pouch”.[…] Read the rest
Theresa May tells Bercow:
“Mr Speaker-elect, can I congratulate you on your re-election. At least someone got a landslide.”
