Totty Watch Archives - Guido Fawkes Guido Fawkes

Telegraph Publishes 17 Stories About Love Island in 24 Hours

Remember when MediaGuido uncovered the Telegraph’s “trash traffic” strategy to game Search Engine Optimisation and secure millions of extra Google juice clicks? Well, in the last 24 hours the Telegraph website has published a grand total of 17 articles about Love Island, the popular ITV2 reality show featuring scantily-clad ladies and on-screen romps. This is the sort of “premium content” lucky Telegraph subscribers get to read today:

16 things Love Island taught us about sex
Love Island’s Caroline Flack: ‘It’s not about sex’
How Love Island convinced me to stud my poodle
The top 10 cringiest moments from this season’s Love Island
Viagra sponsorship: how will Love Island contestants will make their millions?

A reminder that at the Telegraph it’s the SEO Chartbeat monkeys, not editors, who call the shots…

July 26, 2017 at 1:10 pm

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Ellie Goulding Burns HS2

The government is feeling superstar songstress Ellie Goulding’s remarkable Burn today as she brands the HS2 rail project “ridiculous“. It’s the First Time that Ellie has spoken out on infrastructure spending; she suggested Starry Eyed ministers should spend the money “elsewhere“, if not it will be Your Biggest Mistake. Ellie’s intervention is a Goodness Gracious moment for HS2 supporters: it puts the issue of public spending up in Lights for her Army of 6.83 million Twitter followers. With Ellie’s fans mobilised against the project, Anything Could Happen. Sadly it’s not Dead In The Water yet. How Long Will I Love You? As long as you oppose HS2, and longer if I can…

July 18, 2017 at 12:26 pm

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Rich’s Monday Morning Cartoon

July 10, 2017 at 7:15 am

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Momentum Glamour Snapper Seeks CLP Chairmanship

Britain’s top Corbynista ‘glamour photographer’ Mike Fieldhouse remains set on climbing the greasy pole of Labour politics. The soft smut snapper lost out in his bid to become South East regional chair of Momentum; he was busted when a video emerged showing him posing-up sultry models clad in stockings, corsets and thigh-high leather boots. He was also running a website called ‘MAFWorld: Life through the lens of a glamour photographer’, which has now been taken offline. Can’t have done his feminist credentials any good…

Now Fieldhouse is seeking to become chair of Rochford & Southend East CLP. Guido hears local Momentum members are turning a blind eye to his day job in order to cement a Corbynista foothold. Socialism isn’t sexy…

July 4, 2017 at 3:03 pm

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Meltdown After Nuclear Power Plant Holds Bikini Contest to Choose Interns

A Czech nuclear power plant operator has apologised for using a bikini contest to choose its next intern. Power generation conglomerate CEZ had 10 bikini-clad high school graduates pose in a cooling tower of its Temelin nuclear power plant with the most popular following a Facebook vote winning a 14 day internship at the plant. A local TV station covered the finals:

In a press release CEZ likened the photoshoot to its previous cultural enrichment programs, such as hosting the Bohemian Philharmonic at the plant in South Bohemia. They said the experience was greatly enjoyed by the girls, who were required for safety reasons to wear hard hats and enclosed shoes at all times in the Czech Republic’s largest power station.

Gaia thinks this is yet another terrible case of everyday sexism…

June 26, 2017 at 5:01 pm

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Hard BreXXXit – The Movie!

“Hard BreXXXit” on Richard Desmond’s Television X is from the same stable as the Daily Star, so you know the production values are going to be top-notch. As we are family- friendly these are the only images we are reproducing.

Guido is looking forward to following the adventures of Knickerless Virgin, Jizza Cwoarbyn, Teaser Maynot and Gladimhere Putitin. Certainly can’t be less plausible than Season 5 of “House of Cards”…

June 15, 2017 at 4:57 pm

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Tory SpAd Voted For Corbyn

It seems the Corbynista contagion permeated the minds of young Tory voters too. Remarkably, and to the bafflement of her former colleagues, it emerges that Stephen Crabb’s ex SpAd Emily Poole voted for Jeremy Corbyn. In a post on her blog, Emily, who worked in both Cameron governments, mourned the demise of Dave’s “cuddly Conservatism” and backed Jez:

“In response to the inevitable question, “but how can you vote Labour though? Jeremy Corbyn is useless/a communist/a terrorist sympathiser”: I’m not saying I think Jeremy Corbyn would make a good Prime Minister. But guess what? The situation we’re currently in isn’t very good either. The NHS is in crisis, our national security is already at risk, first-time buyers haven’t got a hope in hell of saving enough money to own a property and good school places are harder to come by than a Jane Austen £5 note. Do I care whether Jeremy Corbyn would or wouldn’t press the red button? Well why don’t we all just work on the assumption that we’re pretty screwed if we get to that point anyway?”

Red Tory…

June 12, 2017 at 1:25 pm

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Anti-CCHQ “Coup” in Upminster

A shock in Hornchurch and Upminster last night as Mark Field’s bag-carrier Julia Dockerill – of Downing Street memo fame – won the selection by an outright majority on the first ballot. The candidacy had been expected to go to either David Cameron’s former SpAd Shaun Bailey or Chris Grayling’s SpAd Simon Jones. However, multiple sources tell Guido that local association members were furious at being handed a Spadocracy shortlist by CCHQ, with no option of a local Brexiteer. So they decided to vote for Dockerill to prevent CCHQ’s favourites Bailey and Jones from winning the nomination. Bailey meanwhile was victim of a brutal briefing operation from senior association members. As one member put it to Guido: “The coup to stick two fingers up to CCHQ won”. A timely reminder of how local Tory associations cause grief when CCHQ tries to centralise control…

April 27, 2017 at 12:15 pm

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FLOTUS Official Portrait

The White House have released the new official portrait of the First Lady. Second airbrushing story of the day…

April 3, 2017 at 5:02 pm

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Made in Westminster: Toff on the Terrace

A very special guest for Chelsea and Fulham MP Greg Hands on the Commons terrace: his constituent Georgia Toffolo, AKA Toff from reality TV show Made in Chelsea. More commonly found in the MailOnline sidebar, Theresa May fan Toff is a politics enthusiast who when asked a few years ago how she would vote replied: “Tory. Definitely”. Pictured above left wearing traditional German dress, which will no doubt appeal to Herr Hands…

March 7, 2017 at 4:55 pm

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Government Cake Tsar is Labour Sponge-Lover

The killjoy civil servant behind the Whitehall anti-cake edict can be revealed as a Labour-supporting dessert aficionado. Despite warning her colleagues to refrain from sugary treats, Liza Pawlowska has proudly posted social media snaps showing a large, half-eaten sponge cake topped with whipped cream, and another of a tray of sausage rolls. She also displays her support for Remain campaigners Labour in for Britain. While unashamedly flaunting her love of cake online, Pawlowska warned her colleagues “to be more mindful… of those who have difficulty resisting“. She really is trying to have her cake and eat it…

January 30, 2017 at 1:59 pm

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Julian Huppert Linked to Oscar-Nominated Sexy French Actress

Congratulations to French actress Isabelle Huppert, who has been nominated for an Oscar for her role in the film Elle. Would you believe that the sultry Parisian star of the silver screen is related to bearded former LibDem MP Julian Huppert? Guido has studied the evidence above and – sorry Julian – can see little resemblance other than the unmistakable shock of red hair. Julian fondly recalls his childhood family meetings with a young Isabelle:

“She’s come to stay before. I took her punting around 20 years ago. I’m very proud and delighted. She’s doing well. No-one compares to her.”

Well he certainly doesn’t…

January 25, 2017 at 11:12 am

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Sexy MP Poll Rigged Against Female Tory MPs

Worldly readers will be aware of SexyMP.co.uk, the most popular banned website in the Commons which ranks parliamentarians on their looks according to a popular vote. The cheeky and good-natured site appears to have been sabotaged, Guido can reveal. In the last few days the vote has been rigged to push female Tory MPs to the bottom of the rankings. While the most photogenic Tories had previously held several places in the top ten, the first Tory MP to appear in the female rankings today is down in a lowly 58th place. Almost all of the bottom 50 places are held by Tories, while all of the top 57 places are held by Labour , SNP and Plaid MPs. An accurate aesthetic reflection? A theory is circulating among concerned users:

“This is not normal. The site wasn’t in this state a few months ago. Historical Rankings shows no significant favouritism for one party over any other. My best guess is that someone wrote a script to play SexyMP and have it automatically select the non-Conservative option when a Conservative came up. I estimate ~200,000 votes in total performed by this script.”

Those Russians have gone too far this time…

January 4, 2017 at 11:24 am

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LibDems Looking At Japanese Nerd Porn

Yesterday in Brighton a top LibDem resigned for arguing careers officers should suggest prostitution as a line of work for voters’ daughters. Today they are focusing on the real issues: Japanese cartoon porn. The party has published a policy document calling for laws to be softened on extreme animé porn known as “hentai“, the Japanese word for “perverted“. Hentai is famously the preferred personal viewing option of nerds around the world, featuring mythical tentacled creatures and Japanese schoolgirls. Which LibDem wants to declare an interest…

The policy document also has this great clause on tiger sex:

“in 2010 a man was sent a pornographic video purporting to be of a tiger and a woman engaging in a sex act but which turned out to be a man dressed as a tiger – a fact that was only uncovered in the courtroom”

In unrelated news, an event this afternoon asks: “Will 2080 be the year we get the next LibDem Prime Minister?”

September 19, 2016 at 10:40 am

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Right-Wingers Have Better Sex Lives

The hard-left is not living up to its name. According to a new YouGov poll, just 66% of left-wingers are satisfied with their sex lives, compared to 73% of people who describe themselves as “very right wing”. YouGov surveyed five countries and found a trend – right-wingers were more likely to be happy with their sex lives. Some other key poll findings: Labour supporters enjoy going down, which is probably a good thing at the moment. They’re also more likely to like spanking, though that could just be Simon Danczuk. LibDem supporters prefer watching others – well they’re not getting any action themselves. Trump is more likely to have a better sex life than Corbyn, not sure we needed a pollster to work that out…

September 2, 2016 at 2:59 pm

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Mail Retracts “Escort” Story After Trump Hires Gawker-Bankrupting Lawyer

The Daily Mail has issued a lengthy, grovelling retraction after Melania Trump filed a lawsuit against them in a Maryland court for publishing claims she was once an escort. Trump’s attorney Charles Harder is suing them for $150 million:

“Defendants broadcast their lies to millions of people throughout the US and the world. Defendants’ actions are so egregious, malicious and harmful to Mrs Trump that her damages are estimated at $US150 million.”

Harder is the infamous lawyer who represented Hulk Hogan in his successful suit against US gossip blog Gawker. Hogan was awarded damages of $140 million, Gawker was bankrupted and shut down. Late last night the Mail published a long retraction expressing “regret“:

“To the extent that anything in the Daily Mail’s article was interpreted as stating or suggesting that Mrs. Trump worked as an ‘escort’ or in the ‘sex business,’ that she had a ‘composite or presentation card for the sex business,’ or that either of the modeling agencies referenced in the article were engaged in these businesses, it is hereby retracted, and the Daily Mail newspaper regrets any such misinterpretation.”

Calling a presidential candidate’s wife a hooker does seem a little high risk. Gawker went under for reporting the truth…

September 2, 2016 at 9:03 am

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Sky Cut Off Trump Poster Girl Over Migrant “Bronzer” Rant

Kay Burley shut down Trump-supporting alt-righter Lauren Southern on Sky News after the Rebel Media journalist said she could “put on some bronzer, get on a dinghy boat and show up on the border of Sicily with a Koran in hand and then be accepted as an immigrant”. They might see through her disguise…

Kay says Lauren will not be invited back…

September 1, 2016 at 5:05 pm

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Burkini Unbanned!

Guido was concerned that burkini wearing fair-skinned Irish girls would no longer be able to protect themselves from harmful UV rays on the beaches in the South of France as a result of the ban. Good news for freedom lovers, as France’s top administrative court strikes down the Villeneuve-Loubet burkini ban. Women on the Riviera who have already faced fines even have the chance to appeal. The suspension means Muslim beauties like Miss Pakistan World, Shanzay Hayat, above, can wear what they like to the beach again. Ooh la akbar!

August 26, 2016 at 2:58 pm

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Hypocrisy of Holier-Than-Thou HuffPo

Fresh from HuffPo attacking hairdressers who failed to pay minimum wage, despite being themselves being sued for not paying writers minimum wage or indeed any wage at all, they switched to coverage of Olympics coverage. Specifically the presenters lack of skin coverage…

HuffPo are delighting social justice warriors with their coverage of BBC presenter Helen Skelton at the Olympics. While other media has noted Helen’s short skirts in Rio, holier-than-thou HuffPo mocked their rivals with the headlines “Woman Wears Dress” and “Woman Who Wore Dress Also Owns Bra”. Take that, MailOnline!

Yet a quick browse of the HuffPo site reveals they are obsessed with pointing out women wearing revealing clothes. Currently racking up the clicks on HuffPo today are stories about Kylie Jenner wearing a “naked jumpsuit”, Bella Hadid’s “nearly naked trend”, and another Kylie story about her “underboob”. Funny that these stories were not titled “Woman Wears Dress” too. Hypocritical HuffPo are feminists only when it’s good for traffic…

August 12, 2016 at 11:02 am

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Captain Europe’s Sexy Wrestling Fetish

Readers may remember Captain Europe, the eccentric cape-wearing ‘superhero’ enlisted to make the case for Remain. Perhaps it should come as no surprise that a federast who likes to dress up in latex would have some exotic tastes. A browse of who the Captain follows on Twitter shows he has a keen interest in sexy wrestling dominatrix sites.[…] Read the rest