Sir Keir’s double standards are highlighted in primary colours today, up in Teesside, where Tory Police and Crime Commissioner Steve Turner has been completely cleared of allegedly sexually assaulting someone in 1987 after a six-month investigation. In November Sir Keir called for the innocent Police chief to quit for just being under investigation…

Turner wasn’t arrested, nor was he interviewed. Yet in November 2021 Keir Starmer butted his nose in to demand Turner step down:

“This is a test for Steve Turner and he should step down. It’s also a test for the Conservative Party. When there’s a serious investigation like this the attitude of the political parties and the Prime Minister matters, and he should step down… Whilst the investigation is going on he should step down. That is the obviously right thing to do.”

Turner told Guido this was “appalling”, and is now demanding an apology…

Today Steve Turner has written to Starmer about the incident, although he doesn’t entirely attribute blame to the Director of Public Prosecutions. Instead he accuses him of repeating false briefings stirred up by his Labour colleagues, fed to him prior to his interview in which he made the resignation demand. Specifically named are Middlesbrough MP Andy McDonald, ex-MPs Tom Blenkinsop and Anna Turley, Labour frontbencher Bridget Phillipson and Mirror hack Rachel Wearmouth.

“Prior to your interview I am sure you or your team will have been contacted by a member of Labour North and you would have been encouraged to do this interview based on the fact that you believed these allegations were true and not potentially fabricated by members of your own Party. This was not the case and the IOPC statement released yesterday about the sexual assault allegation states that the Police had no lines of enquiry they could follow up on and that I have never even been interviewed or arrested in relation the allegation. This was purely an unsubstantiated allegation with no statement or evidence from any potential victim. I believe you were used Mr Starmer to facilitate an opportunity for Teessides Labour Party to attempt to regain a position they had spectacularly lost just a few months earlier.”

Guido’s contacted Labour to ask whether they’ll be honouring Turner’s demand for an apology, though at the time of going to pixel no response has been forthcoming.

After an airport, a Treasury campus, an ONS campus, a BEIS campus, a free port, the country’s biggest industrial zone and constant praise from the Cabinet, one might think Teesside has had enough wins for a lifetime. Not content with levelling up the north east, Stockton MP Matt Vickers has now won a victory in SW1 – getting the region’s iconic dish, the Parmo, served in Parliament. 

Breaded chicken, smothered in béchamel sauce and topped with your week’s worth of dietary cheese allowance, no night out in Teesside is complete without one.

Vickers enjoyed a photoshoot in the Commons Terrace Cafeteria this morning with the chef, complete with a personalised chef hat. Guido’s senior reporter – a proud north easterner – popped over to Parliament this afternoon to try it out, and can confirm that while not a looker, it tasted great. The closest attempt at replicating the dish he’s found in London so far…

The dish has proved incredibly popular, with a canteen server at one point having to shout at the queue, “Is there anyone that ISN’T here for a parmo?” Fingers crossed it’s not a one time dish…