This weekend sees the departure of the dearly beloved Marble Arch Mound, the structure built and paid for by the Tory-led Westminster council. After spaffing £2 million, Westminster council closed the the project after just two days, in no small part thanks to patrons dubbing it “the worst [attraction] in London”. Rather than offering visitors the “experience of the great outdoors”, those unfortunate enough to cough up the £8 in the early days, and indeed those with free ticks subsequently, were instead greeted with a muddy mound with views of scaffolding and rubbish bins. Westminster council’s up for election this year – will local voters turf out those responsible for the mound of turf?
*Those of you who like the mound can sign this petition to keep it. You’ll be in strong company… with 28 current signatories.
It was only a matter of time before new Love Islander Priya Gopaldas let her fellow contestants know about her celebrity crush. Not only does she think Boris is a “cuddly bear”, she apparently dreams about him as well:
“It’s not just his hair, but he’s like, super powerful…but then, he’s Prime Minister, he’s career-driven, ambitious, but then on the inside: total sweetheart. Bojo! Super cute! … I’ve had dreams about his hair, you know…”
She then went on to fantasise about Boris’s head on Chris Hemsworth’s body…
Yesterday’s poll results are in, and it’s bad news for Geronimo: 71.3% of co-conspirators think the star of silly season needs to die, with just 28.7% convinced he should be spared. A stonking majority favouring Alpacalypse Now.
Decide Geronimo the Alpaca's fate:
— Guido Fawkes (@GuidoFawkes) August 12, 2021
Despite The Sun’s best efforts, it seems most co-conspirators actually agree with Sir Keir on this one…
The Sun’s Harry Cole has been leading a campaign to save Geronimo from his DefRA-determined destiny of a humane death.
GB News’s Tom Harwood has volunteered to slaughter the animal himself as a matter of “public duty“.
Here at Guido we’re torn, for many reasons, on the issue that is dominating the news agenda this month. We’re asking readers to help us decide. Register your vote below:
Decide Geronimo the Alpaca's fate:
— Guido Fawkes (@GuidoFawkes) August 12, 2021
Voting is open for 24 hours…
A live stream of Geronimo’s enclosure is now available for co-conspirators concerned for the doomed alpaca’s safety or keen on his demise. Keep guard of the press’s favourite woolly friend and watch out for “government assassins”…
Geronimo’s owner Helen says:
“We want people to be able to watch Geronimo 24/7. He’ll have a million eyes on him all day, every day. It’s for his protection. Hopefully it will act as a deterrent to Defra and stop them coming to do it. If they send the shooters round here, their faces will be exposed to the world. Everyone will see what they’ve done to an innocent animal.”
No signs of trouble yet…
Around 30 activists gathered at Smith Square this afternoon in a last-ditch effort to save the life of the Geronimo, an 8 year old alpaca who has twice tested positive for bovine tuberculosis. The protestors claim that both tests were faulty, and that Geronimo is fighting fit, yet Defra have nonetheless held firm, insisting that two false positives would be “impossible”. Celebrities Joanna Lumley and Chris Packham (along with The Sun) have been leading the campaign to save poor Geronimo – unfortunately neither Lumley nor Packham made an appearance at today’s crucial march…
Guido spoke to the friendly alpaca’s supporters to learn more. They were certainly a passionate bunch; at one point they even erupted into a thunderous chant demanding that Boris “re-test Geronimo”. One attendee went further, arguing that Geronimo’s life matters because it is “a sentient life, it’s a sentient being”, and implored the government to see reason. Despite their best efforts, however, the cries outside Defra HQ went unanswered. At least the weather just about held out. Geronimo and his woolly friends had hoped to attend the demonstration in person, though ultimately it was decided that there were “too many risks” in actually marching alpacas to Downing Street…
