SKETCH: Only Talking About Kids Makes Ed Look Grown Up

Consensual Ed. What’s that about? Again, he was picking a cross-party subject to consensualise on. It might from week to week be – Our Glorious Dead, They Died For Us. The Queen, God Bless Her. Those Evil Islamicists Are So Un-British.

This week it was Child Abuse Can’t Go On.

Good choice. It let Ed make his Who Will Speak For the Children? face. It stopped Cameron backing him into a corner and bashing his face in. And talking about children made him look more grown-up. Triple win.

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PMQs LIVE: Nonce Finder Generals Edition

Oral Questions to the Prime Minister

Q1 Mr Gregory Campbell (East Londonderry)

Q2 Jonathan Edwards (Carmarthen East and Dinefwr) 

Q3 Ann Clwyd (Cynon Valley) 

Q4 Mr Nicholas Brown (Newcastle upon Tyne East) 

Q5 Mr Nigel Evans (Ribble Valley)

Q6 Andrew Bingham (High Peak) 

Q7 Sir Alan Beith (Berwick-upon-Tweed)

Q8 Keith Vaz (Leicester East) 

Q9 Mr Christopher Chope (Christchurch) 

Q10 Stephen Phillips (Sleaford and North Hykeham) 

Q11 Kevin Barron (Rother Valley) 

Q12 Andy Sawford (Corby)

Q13 Albert Owen (Ynys Môn) 

Q14 Michael Fabricant (Lichfield)

Q15 Mr Dominic Raab (Esher and Walton)

Comments in the comments please…

PMQs SKETCH: When Teenage Ed Campaigned to Leave the EU

Cruel, cruel Tony Baldry. He told the House about the 1983 election and Labour’s anti-Europe commitments of the time. And how a 13-year-old boy had delivered a leaflet through his letterbox on behalf of Michael Foot. “That boy, now leader of the Labour party,” he said in his large, deep, fat-uncle manner.

“That boy, now leader of the Labour party.”

Little Ed’s pain was visible. And for those who have an appetite for that sort of thing, palpable.

There he was on the front bench, shoulders down, smiling wanly, slightly angling his smooth, young face towards the big bruiser next to him. He had grown up by four or five years since 1983 but was clearly the junior partner as Big Ed joined in the joshing and rollicking that Cameron was dishing out.

“Not my idea of fun,” Cameron laughed about delivering leaflets at the age of 14. “What was your idea of fun?” Big Ed kept jabbing. “Not hanging out with the shadow chancellor,” Cameron said. “I feel sorry for the Leader of the Opposition who has to hang out with him all the time!”

Tories were entering a stage of pre-climactic pleasure, Big Ed was pointing, pouting, heckling, laughing back.

Little Ed sat shyly, too young to join in the game.

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Ed’s PMQs Figures Out By 134%

Yesterday Ed botched his figures, today he’s botched his sums. During his comfort zone PMQs on the NHS, Miliband bleated:

“Let me give him the figures for his target: before his reorganisation, the number of people waiting more than four hours was 353,000. After his reorganisation, that has risen to 939,000, an increase of 300%. Is that better or worse?”

A Guido co-conspirator points out that 939,000 is, to be precise, 266% of 353,000.

That is not a 266% increase though, it’s an increase of 166%, which is 134% points away from 300%.

Even when they’re ignoring the economy, Labour still can’t get their sums right…

‘Red Princes’ Gets Box Office Treatment

It has been two years since Guido applied the ‘Red Princes‘ neologism to Labour’s nepotistic sons, who are  seeking to inherit power from their political parents. Sorry Bercow, but someone has been reading…

[jwplatform src=”http://content.jwplatform.com/players/zf98G1aL-mCjhiWMJ.js”]

“We’ve got son of Blair, son of Straw, son of Prescott, son of Dromey. When you take out the Red Princes, you’ll find that 80% of their candidates are union sponsored. They bought the candidates, they bought the policies, they bought the leader, we must never let them near the country.”

Is Joe Dromey going to get his mum to complain again?

PMQs LIVE: The Public Like It Edition

Oral Questions to the Prime Minister

Q1 Charlotte Leslie (Bristol North West)

Q2 Ms Diane Abbott (Hackney North and Stoke Newington) 

Q3 Mr John Baron (Basildon and Billericay) 

Q4 Robert Halfon (Harlow) 

Q5 Jack Dromey (Birmingham, Erdington)

Q6 Ian Austin (Dudley North) 

Q7 Kerry McCarthy (Bristol East) 

Q8 Jeremy Corbyn (Islington North) 

Q9 Sir Tony Baldry (Banbury) 

Q10 Greg Mulholland (Leeds North West) 

Q11 Susan Elan Jones (Clwyd South) 

Q12 Jim Shannon (Strangford)

Q13 Mark Pawsey (Rugby) 

Q14 Michael Ellis (Northampton North) 

Q15 Mr Dennis Skinner (Bolsover) 

Comments in the comments please…

Mumsnet Idea Lacks Fun

The yummy-mummy lobby are throwing their prams at the toys this morning, with Mumsnet campaigning to turn our democracy into an online coffee morning. 40,000 keyboard warriors have signed a petition demanding a ban on PMQs, aka the only bit of Commons action that anyone actually watches. Tory MPs are grumbling and smell a lefty stich up. “I’m proud to be on the side of Winston Churchill,” says Tory heckler Alec Shelbrooke, “rather than with those who want to take the passion out of politics.” The Tories know exactly who this over-feminisation of politics will help: “PMQs is about proof of leadership, that’s why so many people watch it. Bercow is rescuing Miliband everytime he interrupts.” Presumably if the politicians don’t do as they’re told by the mums, they will be sent to bed with no tea.

PMQs SKETCH: Labour’s Criminals in Downing Street

Ed Miliband achieved the impossible today. He finished his J’Accuse an even more diminished leader than when he began.

Weak, weak, weak! The Tories chanted. “I’ll tell you what’s weak,” Ed said weakly, “it’s failing to stand up for the right thing.”

Cameron’s definition of weak was more detailed: “Attacking Rupert Murdoch, posing with a copy of the Sun and then apologising for it! That’s weak!”

And then, of course, Alastair Campbell, Jo Moore and Damian McBride.

Ed’s lead-line, his headline, his top line was: “You brought a criminal into Downing Street.”

It’s not a bad line, in fact. It’s nasty. It resonates at a childhood level of right and wrong. And it’s sinister.

But then, but then . . . Criminals in Downing Street.

Ed himself has an adviser publicly accused of Class A drug use. His predecessors, as Cameron pointed out, have a variety of real victims to their account. From David Kelly to the Paddington rail crash survivors to Conservative MPs to half a million Iraqis…

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Labour Sorry for Hospitalised MP Wife Attack

“Jake Berry, absent” cried the Speaker as the Tory MP for Rossendale and Darwen, whose name was on the Order Paper for PMQs, failed to appear when called to ask his question. Cue Labour whips piling in and living to regret it about three minutes later:

They have since sent him a full and frank apology. Awkward.

WATCH: Cameron v Miliband PMQs Clash in Full

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The full exchange between Cameron and Miliband at today’s PMQs. If Ed can’t draw blood today, he never will…

Miliband’s Kinnock/Westland Moment

You can see the very moment that Ed realised he lost today’s potentially game changing moment in the House. A confident Cameron, armed with the Leveson report quotes, got his apology out early, before Ed could call for it. Just look at his face in reaction to the PM’s gag about Ed standing up to Murdoch, posing with the Sun and ultimately weakly apologising. Video to follow…

UPDATE: Video of the moment Ed knew he had lost it:

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UPDATE II: In GIF form:

PMQs LIVE: One Rogue Editor Edition

Oral Questions to the Prime Minister

Q1 Damian Collins (Folkestone and Hythe)

Q2 Jake Berry (Rossendale and Darwen) 

Q3 Mr Nigel Evans (Ribble Valley)

Q4 Mr Ronnie Campbell (Blyth Valley)

Q5 Mark Durkan (Foyle) 

Q6 Chris Bryant (Rhondda)

Q7 Meg Hillier (Hackney South and Shoreditch) 

Q8 David Simpson (Upper Bann) 

Q9 Guy Opperman (Hexham)

Q10 Andrew Stephenson (Pendle) 

Q11 Annette Brooke (Mid Dorset and North Poole)

Q12 Mr David Winnick (Walsall North) 

Q13 Mr Gerry Sutcliffe (Bradford South) 

Q14 Yasmin Qureshi (Bolton South East) 

Comments in the comments please…

PMQs SKETCH: Impeachment Edition

In a voice created by God to call for the impeachment of a former prime minister, Peter Tapsell called for the impeachment of Tony Blair. To bring the wretch to account for misleading the House of Commons.

Many Labour MPs want to impeach Ed Miliband for misleading the Labour party. Or, as now, for failing to lead it at all.

Today he stood up to the despatch box with a luxurious choice of Conservative crimes and misdemeanours to go on. Passport mayhem, euro-uselessness, cabinet carnage, dying children (there must be some somewhere).

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WATCH: Dave Goes Down Fighting on Juncker

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BB: “How is his campaign going to stop Mr Juncker?”

[LAUGHS]

DC: “It’s a simple issue of principle, much more connected to the principle than the name. The principle is this –  and I think it will be shared on every side of the House – that the members of the European Council, the elected Prime Ministers and the elected Presidents, under the treaties, we should choose who runs the European Commission. And I don’t mind how many people on the European Council disagree with me, I will fight this right to the very end. And what I would say to my colleagues on the European Council, many of whom have expressed interesting views about both this principle and this person, if you want reform in Europe you’ve got to stand up for it, if you want change in Europe you’ve got to vote for it. That is the message I will take, and that is the right message for our country.”

Warning other EU leaders to do in public what they are saying about Juncker in private…

PMQs Live: Don’t Mention the War Edition

Q1 Kevin Brennan (Cardiff West)

Q2 Richard Harrington (Watford)

Q3 Charlotte Leslie (Bristol North West) 

Q4 Mr Nick Raynsford (Greenwich and Woolwich)

Q5 Dr Matthew Offord (Hendon)

Q6 Mr Nicholas Brown (Newcastle upon Tyne East)

Q7 Sarah Newton (Truro and Falmouth) 

Q8 Rehman Chishti (Gillingham and Rainham) 

Q9 Ian Swales (Redcar) 

Q10 Mr David Nuttall (Bury North) 

Q11 Mrs Mary Glindon (North Tyneside)

Q12 Priti Patel (Witham)

Q13 Michael Fabricant (Lichfield) 

Q14 Miss Anne McIntosh (Thirsk and Malton)

Q15 Mr Tom Clarke (Coatbridge, Chryston and Bellshill) 

Comments in the comments please…

PMQs LIVE: Tory Wars Edition

Oral Questions to the Prime Minister

Q1 Katy Clark (North Ayrshire and Arran)

Q2 Mr Barry Sheerman (Huddersfield)

Q3 Graham Evans (Weaver Vale) 

Q4 Chris Skidmore (Kingswood) 

Q5 Ian Lavery (Wansbeck) 

Q6 Dr Alan Whitehead (Southampton, Test)

Q7 Jason McCartney (Colne Valley) 

Q8 Mrs Emma Lewell-Buck (South Shields)

Q9 Mike Freer (Finchley and Golders Green)

Q10 Mel Stride (Central Devon)

Q11 Sir Tony Baldry (Banbury) 

Q12 Mike Kane (Wythenshawe and Sale East) 

Q13 Debbie Abrahams (Oldham East and Saddleworth) 

Q14 Alison Seabeck (Plymouth, Moor View) 

Q15 Andrew Jones (Harrogate and Knaresborough)

Comments in the comments please…

PMQs SKETCH: Miliband a Bit Intellectually Over-Confident

So, how did that go for your man?

A Labour MP: “Actually good, from where I was sitting. Confident. Picked the right issues. Gave as good as he got.”

“Off the record and seriously?”

“Kicked all over the pitch. And on the NHS. I’d be getting very depressed if I wasn’t already very depressed.”

Ed Miliband put some extra vim in it today, showed his emotions as real people do. Lamented the fate of giant multinational pharma corporation AstraZeneca. Filled his flask of tears and flung it at the PM.

Noble, daring, human.

Plaintive, incoherent, school-age egomaniac.

You know which you prefer, there’s no point in arguing.

Except perhaps on this one point.

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PMQs LIVE: Save Ed Edition

Oral Questions to the Prime Minister

Q1 Jonathan Edwards (Carmarthen East and Dinefwr)

Q2 Iain McKenzie (Inverclyde) 

Q3 Stephen McPartland (Stevenage) 

Q4 Alex Cunningham (Stockton North)

Q5 Kevin Brennan (Cardiff West) 

Q6 Andrew Selous (South West Bedfordshire) 

Q7 Kerry McCarthy (Bristol East) 

Q8 Mark Hendrick (Preston)

Q9 Dr Eilidh Whiteford (Banff and Buchan) 

Q10 Richard Harrington (Watford)

Q11 Mr Khalid Mahmood (Birmingham, Perry Barr) 

Q12 Jonathan Reynolds (Stalybridge and Hyde)

Comments in the comments please…

PMQs SKETCH: Self-Confident Ed Lacking Intellectual Capacity

The self-confidence of Ed Miliband is other-worldly. So other-worldly that broadcasting it, he feels, makes him more electable.

Between him and Cameron, he told the Standard, “I am the one with much more intellectual self-confidence, actually.” (‘Actually’!)

How then to explain his second-class degree, when everybody else was getting firsts (Ed Balls, David Miliband, David Cameron, Stewart Wood perhaps)? Even a second-class Corpus degree is enough to recognize the difference between intellectual self-confidence and intellectual capacity.

He began PMQs with an easy, teasing line about his rent control proposals: when would the PM “make the inevitable journey from saying that they represent dangerous Venezuelan-style thinking to saying that they are actually quite a good idea?”

The PM came back saying it was a Tory proposal all along, and that several senior Labour spokespeople had denounced the idea as unworkable, undesirable, impracticable, unsustainable.

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PMQs LIVE: National Interest Test Edition

Oral Questions to the Prime Minister

Q1 Mel Stride (Central Devon)

Q2 Mr Andy Slaughter (Hammersmith) 

Q3 Joan Walley (Stoke-on-Trent North) 

Q4 Margot James (Stourbridge) 

Q5 Paul Burstow (Sutton and Cheam) 

Q6 Andrew Griffiths (Burton)

Q7 David Rutley (Macclesfield) 

Q8 Iain Stewart (Milton Keynes South) 

Q9 Neil Carmichael (Stroud) 

Q10 Chris White (Warwick and Leamington) 

Q11 Mr Simon Burns (Chelmsford)

Q12 Nic Dakin (Scunthorpe) 

Q13 Zac Goldsmith (Richmond Park)

Q14 Dr Julian Huppert (Cambridge) 

Q15 Mrs Emma Lewell-Buck (South Shields) 

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