While it might not have matched the box office value of Boris’s appearance last year, Sir Chris Bryant did at least provide some light entertainment at today’s Liaison Committee hearing. The Civility in Politics winner grilled Rishi over his poor attendance at PMQs – he’s missing the next two appearances – and kicked up a fuss over the Kangaroo Court’s report. Apparently Zac Goldsmith needed to apologise for attacking the ‘roos because he was a minister; the other 7 MPs named in their report should make up their own mind. Rishi hasn’t actually read the full 30,000 word report, though Guido can hardly blame him. There was also some confusion over which report Bryant was actually talking about in the first place: the 30,000 word doorstop, or the 14 page whinge about the Court’s critics. Bryant thought the latter was only 3 pages, for some reason…

Earlier in the hearing, Rishi also claimed there is no such thing as the blob in Westminster:

Whitehall’s office occupancy stats might beg to differ… 

Politicians have finally found a way to deliver on the often peddled pledge to “clean up” politics and, unsurprisingly, it only extends to getting someone else to do their dirty work. As if Parliament didn’t already have enough washed up rags, yesterday, a trial dry cleaning service began operation in the Palace of Westminster – exclusively available to Members. The service is being run by high-end provider Jeeves and, if successful, will be rolled out to other passholders. The announcement said:

“A new dry-cleaning service on the estate is now available to Members from Wednesday 17 May for six months. This service is part of a trial provided by Jeeves.

Members will be able to deliver and collect clothes from the Hall Keeper’s Lodge, off St Stephen’s Hall. To use the service you must first register to use the service online.

Information about the service, including the pricing, will be available from Jeeves and from the Hall Keeper’s Lodge.

Jeeves were selected as a supplier after considering customer service needs and environmental credentials of service providers.

If successful, the service will be rolled out to other groups of passholders to gradually scale up the service.”

It just won’t wash with the voting public…

Legionella bacteria has been detected in the sprinkler system recently installed in Parliament. According to Politico’s Esther Webber, the potentially deadly bacteria was discovered in the basement this week, just months after the same germ forced the closure of the showers in PCH as a “precautionary measure”. Now it’s back, thanks to a £140 million sprinkler network which was only installed because decisions on a major restoration of the Palace keep being delayed…

A spokesperson for the Commons said:

“We are working with contractors to drain and sterilize the system before it is fully recommissioned. Fire safety is a top priority for parliament and we are in close consultation with the London Fire Brigade.”

They insist the basement is still safe to work, despite the bugs. If any staffers experience high temperature, feverishness and chills, or pneumonia, that might be the Legionnaires’ disease kicking in. Pop outside and get some fresh air. Just avoid the the rats.

This morning’s Guardian published a rare exclusive which caught Guido’s attention: a “groundbreaking” study which reveals the alarming truths of working in Westminster. According to this pioneering research, around half of MPs’ staffers are at “breaking point” and suffer from “clinical levels of psychological distress“, with nearly 20% describing the experience of working the in mother of parliaments as “harrowing“. One of the reasons it’s been such a traumatic experience? Yes, Brexit…

“Parliamentary aides said they were at “breaking point” after years of crises, from Brexit to Covid, a lack of support from superiors and abuse from the public… 49.5% met the medical threshold for psychological distress – more than twice the level in the general population.”

The Guardian also somehow manages to connect this to Partygate, claiming the findings will “raise further concerns about the working culture in Westminster” ahead of Sue Gray’s report. A working culture so harrowing, so emotionally distressing, that staffers just can’t cope with how much fun it is to get drunk on subsidised booze. Even during Covid, staffers were handed a tax-free £312 bonus to cover home-working expenses. Must be tough. Meanwhile in Kyiv, MPs and their staff are still heading in to the office despite, erm, a full-scale invasion and missile strikes…

Guido congratulates the Parliamentary IT services on their new seach functionality on the parliament.uk website. You can now search out MPs by gender. Or not. It is early days – so far no MP has self-defined as non-binary. Grindr style functionality at last…

Guido understands that in light of increased activities by foreign state actors – a month ago MI5 warned about suspected Chinese agent Christine Lee – a Security Intelligence & Risk Analysis Service (SIRAS) is being established to bolster the Parliamentary Security Department (PSD), which is responsible for physical and personnel security across both Houses of Parliament.

The PSD sets security strategy and is an operational service in partnership with the Metropolitan Police. The new SIRAS team will operate within the PSD – with responsibility for bringing together threat, incident and security intelligence with “other agencies”. This will include in particular the Centre for the Protection of National Infrastructure (CPNI) – to mitigate the elevated risk from hacking. The new Head of Security Intelligence will establish a Threats & Intelligence team, to

“bring together multiple streams of relevant intelligence and information, including reporting from within Parliamentary community, from social media monitoring, open source, police and crime intelligence, cyber, digital and secret intelligence from Agency partners.”

There is a well-sourced rumour in Westminster that the security services recently advised Keir Starmer that a Shadow Cabinet member was a security risk as the result of an affair, and consequently they were reshuffled to a position without any security sensitivities. This is the type of politically delicate issue that the new £75,953 per annum Head of SIRAS will be expected to handle…