Boris of Mesopotamia

Despite strict Foreign Office advice not to travel to the region, a Briton with Turkish roots has posed with a Kalashnikov in northern Iraq. Boris has travelled to the region to support the fight against ISIS. Allahu, er, cripes, akbar!

Boris Says Balls Looks Like He Has a Finger Up His Bum

balls

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Nifty work by The Tab, who have recorded Bojo charming a Tory party fundraiser by telling them Ed Balls has:

“the air of a pop-eyed man who looks like he’s undergoing an unexpected prostate examination.”

A line he has shamelessly nicked from Anna Soubry…

Paxo Denies Claims He Will Run for Mayor

Jeremy Paxman has shot down the Times‘ suggestion that he is considering running to replace Boris as the Tory candidate for Mayor of London:

Though the invitation to see the PM suggests it wasn’t entirely fantasy…

Tory Mayoral Candidate’s Nude Pics

“I’m a complete rags to riches boy,” Nick Boles’ old flatmate Ivan Massow tells the Standard today, as he announces his intention to be the Tory candidate for London mayor in 2016. Presumably these photos were taken before he could afford clothes…

WATCH: Boris Tells Labour to Stick It

Boris was a little short tempered at Mayor’s Question Time yesterday after being quizzed by expenses cheat Andrew Dismore. Ohhhhh.

Lammy: Labour Won’t Win in 2015

Election mastermind David Lammy has said Ed will not win a majority in 2015:

“I don’t want to knock Ed personally. I actually think it’s a whole team issue. I think that, in the end, all of the major players that contribute to the Labour message.. have a lot to do between now and the general election. A lot to do! 

I think that the next general election is going to be phenomenally close. I am not moving off my assumption, when I collapsed on to my sofa after the last general election with my wife and watched Nick Clegg and David Cameron walk into number 10, and that is we are in for a decade of either minority or coalition government. That was my general view [in 2010] there’s very little that’s shifted.”

The distancing of future Labour mayoral hopefuls from the current leadership has begun. Bad news for Team Ed favourite Sadiq Khan…

Morning Sadiq: Please Don’t Read This Behind the Wheel

If Sadiq Khan could please wait until he’s driven to work to read this morning’s Times and Mailthat would be appreciated by other road users.

He can however listen to BBC London report on the fact his driving antics have been reported to the police:

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For once Sadiq is not answering his phone to any media.

LISTEN: Boris Can’t Name Tory Clacton Candidate

The Mayor of London has evidently never seen Bread. Any connoisseur of eighties sitcoms knows that the Tory candidate in Clacton is actor Giles Watling, but not Boris on LBC this morning:

BJ: “We’ve got a fantastic guy called… bloody… superb man… Stirling? Girling? Something like that. What’s he called? You tell me.”

NF: “Giles…”

BJ: “Giles… come on what is it again?”

NF: “Giles… the Bread actor? Remember Bread?”

BJ: “No. Come on stop sitting there like a great big fat Buddha and tell me the name of this guy.”

NF: “No need to get personal Mr Mayor… It’s Giles Watling.”

BJ: “Giles Watling, that’s right. I knew it. Something to do with ling. Tingaling.”

Close…

Meating of the Clans: Osbo and BoJo BBQ

Boris and Osborne have been having secret narrative-busting family barbecues. Apparently, we are all mi-steak-en to think the Chancellor and the Mayor are anything but best buddies without a leadership ribbing in sight. As revealed in yesterday’s Sun on Sunday, the Johnsons and the Osbornes broke bread over the summer at the Mayor’s Henley pad. Guido grilled both teams to find out what was really going on…

BBQ sauces close to the Chancellor says this is nothing new and there is “no hatchet to bury”. Meanwhile the Mayor’s people insist it is a “regular thing” and a “chance to catch up informally, away from Whitehall and their officials”, and that “they are friends”. This one has legs; delicious, flame-grilled legs.

David Lammy Pays for Brightness

David Lammy, the only candidate to officially declare he is a Labour candidate in the race to be the next Mayor of London, has hired Martin Bright to spin for him. “I’m on the payroll,” Bright tells Guido. A tough job to Mastermind a media strategy for the ambitious bid.

Lammy Accidentally Plugs London Mayor Rival's Campaign

Poor old David Lammy. Tottenham’s political mastermind is busy drumming up support for his London mayoral run, having been the first Labour candidate to formally declare. Lammy tried to tweet a link to his snazzy new website on how he would tackle housing problems in London: LondonHousingReport.com. Instead, he tweeted a link to the similarly-named LondonHousingCrisis.com, a campaign website which features prominently his rival for the mayoralty, Sadiq Khan. Doh!

Hub-ble Trouble Bubbles for Boris

Boris has confirmed it’s Uxbridge. A seat populated by thousands of people who work at an airport the Mayor of London would like to see shut down. Well he’s got to make it a teeny bit challenging, Guido wonders for how much longer Boris will want to have “a genuine, honest discussion about what London could achieve in a world post Heathrow.” Even today he was still lobbying for his Island hub, which should jar somewhat with the local Tories…

Diane Abbott Tops Poll as Labour’s Choice for London Mayor

Today’s Standard brings encouraging news in the race to be Labour’s candidate for London mayor. Diane Abbott is now ahead of Tessa Jowell among Labour supporters, with 17% saying they want Diane to be their candidate compared to just 14% choosing Tessa. As you can see from the chart below, the party is spoilt for choice:

Guido offers his warm support for Diane’s candidacy…

Boris the Bad Bard

If Boris Johnson’s future career is dependent on his word-smithery, then his hopes of reaching No. 10 have been rapidly dashed. The Standard have the poem the Mayor wrote for a chum’s book launch:

When the RMT is out
And your tube is up the spout
And your bus is overheating
And you’ve missed a crucial meeting
Read a poem.

When you’ve been stopped from leading Labour
By your brother’s bad behaviour
Read some Wilfred Scawen Blunt
And forget the little ****.

If you’ve been driving much too fast
And Mrs Huhne has grassed
Don’t get cross at Mrs Huhne
Try some Owen or Sassoon
Read a poem.

Guido would say ‘don’t give up the day job’, but with the hunt on for safe seat, he’s not sure Boris is listening…

Arnie on Boris

Happy St George’s Day Boris

boris-st-george

As the owner of Boris2020.org the story in The Sun this morning claiming that Boris will decide within weeks if he is to run for parliament caught Guido’s eye. The mayor is denying it:

Guido would like to wish all his English readers a happy St George’s Day. If a man of Turkish origin can become patron saint of England, there is no stopping that other English hero of Turkish origin, Boris…

The Hair Apparent: Bald Boris Update

Forget airport capacity expansion, Boris needs a hair extension. Spinners do everything they can to try avoid the Mayor’s thinning hair from being seen, but they did not do very well on Channel 4 News last night:

Will his chances of reaching No.10 recede with his hairline?

WATCH: Boris Fails IQ Test

Well this morning’s Call Boris on LBC could hardly have gone any worse. Who could have predicted that Nick Ferrari would ambush him with an IQ test? Not the Mayor, it seems:

He didn’t fare much better on tube ticket prices either:

No one could have seen that coming.

Lammy's London Policy is Off the Rails

Fiercely bright London Mayor hopeful David Lammy has come up with an ingenious plan to help London’s commuters while on a fact-finding mission to Paris:

Guido cannot envisage a single problem with this plan. He’s sure Lammy has fully costed the proposal to widen and heighten all of those deep tube tunnels that would have to double in size.

Boris 2.0

Could we see another posh blond bombshell replace Boris Johnson? As Guido revealed in yesterday’s Sun column, TV adventurer Ben Fogle says he wants to swap Countryfile for the city as Mayor of London. And with Seb Coe, Alan Sugar, Eddie Izzard et al it’s not as if there aren’t enough celebs considering their options.[…] Read the rest

+ READ MORE +



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Quote of the Day

Tory MP Nick Boles says what everyone thinks…

“There is a timidity and lack of ambition about Mrs May’s Government which means it constantly disappoints. Time to raise your game, Prime Minister.”

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