Hacks are busy writing up the guest list for Starmer’s “glitzy event” in St Paul’s Cathedral this evening to close the one-day investment summit. The King and Elton John are due to attend…

What they don’t mention is that the dinner, to be cooked by three Michelin-starred chef Clare Smyth, is being held in a repository for dead bodies. The Crypt at St Paul’s is the only seated dining venue large enough for the delegates. More grave than gold-digging…

The Crypt is usually hired out for about £10,000 and is advertised proudly as “the final resting place of some of the world’s greatest heroes, poets and scientists.” Labour’s skill in optics continues to be on display as it attempts to resurrect UK investment from a place where the dead go to be buried…

Could an SW1 staple on Wilfred Street be the latest victim of the decolonisation woke agenda? Popular pub The Colonies has been spruced up recently… but reopened under the new (less flavoursome) name The Pineapple. Despite its homage to colonial Africa and imperial theme, the watering hole was a particular favourite of right on Home Office civil servants, not to mention CCHQ staff…

It’s not all bad news though for culture warriors and history warriors – the name change is just a throwback to the pub’s previous incarnation – the original tavern on the site was named The Pineapple as far back as 1809. As the Campaign for Real Ale notes:

“Named the Pineapple until 1974 and refurbished ten years later to reflect an African colonial theme, this comfortable, split level pub has an extensive back courtyard garden leading to Castle Street. Some interesting prints are displayed on the panelled walls.”

Guido’s looking forward to the new menu, and catching up with some civil servants from 4 p.m. onwards…

In perhaps the most important news of this Parliament Guido is happy to report that the iconic “parmo” is set to return for lunch in Parliament’s canteen tomorrow. In case anyone needed reminding, parmos are a northern staple. Breaded chicken, smothered in béchamel sauce and topped with your week’s dietary allowance of cheese (usually cheddar), no night out in Teesside is complete without one. And they said levelling up was dead…

The delicacy was last served to huge queues in 2021 after a concerted levelling-up campaign by Stockton South MP Matt Vickers. Since then, attempts to bring it back have come and gone. Now, the powers that be have decided to answer the cheesy pleas of the masses.. Staffers, MPs, and peers alike will be hoping the re-addition of the dish will be parmo-nent…

The Country Food Trust has donated 10,000 easy cook venison bolognese meals to the people of Ukraine, with Operation Mighty Convoy embarking on a 1251-mile trip to Lviv to deliver the food this morning. The Trust kindly gave Guido a spare meal and camping stove to prove how easy it is to cook up a tasty dish. Our Senior Reporter Adam Cherry has unzipped his chicken suit and donned the Guido Forks chef’s hat to give it a go. The perfect dish for the boys on the front line…

Find out more about the Mighty Convoy here and read more about the mission below:

The 1251-mile trip, which will take 23 hours, has been organised by the British food charity The Country Food Trust, who supply high protein nutritious meals free for foodbanks in the UK. 

The 10,000 donated ‘Country Bolognese’ meals, which were specially made by Holmesterne Foods in Brompton on Swale in the Prime Minister’s constituency of Richmond, Yorkshire, are ideal as the Venison Bolognese and cooked pasta are sealed in pouches, can be eaten hot or cold and heated in boiling water. This is especially important as it allows people hiding underground or out in the field without electricity or gas to eat.

The four former NHS ambulances carrying the food will also be donated to the people of Lviv to provide urgent medical assistance. They have been bought by donations from members of the public and reconditioned especially for working in war torn Ukraine. The cost of the food and the four ambulances was nearly £50,000.

The aid mission, called Operation Mighty Convoy, will depart from Teddington, London at 8am on Friday April 28th. The journey will take the convoy through the Eurotunnel to Calais, through France, Belgium, Netherlands, Germany and Poland and then into Ukraine.

We at Guido wish them all the best in the struggle against Putin. Slava Ukraini!

Starmer, in what no doubt some SNP blowhard will say is an insult to the Scottish people, has refused to sample Scotland’s famous national dish*: a deep fried Mars Bar.  At a media event held at a Siemens’ factory this morning, he was offered and refused to eat a deep fried Mars Bar drizzled in caramel provided in a spread by Siemens. According to Sun reporter Chris Musson, Scottish Labour leader Anas Sarwar astutely gave it a go, saying it was “actually quite nice … tastes like eating chocolate after pakora.” The famous fried sugary delicacy is perhaps one reason why Scotland has the lowest life expectancy in Western Europe.

*You weren’t thinking Haggis for breakfast.

As UK food price inflation skyrockets by a record 13.3%, parliamentarians will soon have to dig deeper into their pockets to fund their taxpayer-subsidised dining: the Commons catering venues are whacking their prices up… by just 5%.

The biggest hit to Members’ wallets, however, will come from the booze hikes. Alcohol prices are going up by 10% across the board…