Guardian Publishes May Conspiracy Theory

You’d expect this sort of conspiratorial absurdity from Skwawkbox or Rufus Hound. Guardian hacks must be pretty embarrassed about their retirement ready cartoonist Steve Bell this morning.

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Ever wondered how the Guardian spends the cash it gets from readers who give into those begging pop-ups?

£119 per first class ticket this morning…

Lovelorn Guardianistas Hit by Data Leak

Lovelorn Guardianistas are being bombarded with sexually explicit spam after their email addresses were exposed on the paper’s Soulmates dating site. Creepily, details from specific user’s profiles have been included alongside generic smut in the spam, causing subscribers to spill their almond lattes in fear. GNM has confirmed at least 17 users have been in touch to report the leak. One said:

“I basically had been receiving spam… directly referencing information that could only have come from the Soulmates database… It’s all information that I was happy to put online at one point anyway, but when it’s used outside of context like that it does feel a lot more creepy.”

The leak was first reported to The Guardian by an IT worker last November. They only replied confirming the leak last month, six months after being told. The newspaper reports heavily on data leaks by firms and in the public sector. It reported its own leak only after the story was broken by the BBC…

No, May Is Not Like Erdogan

Theresa May’s snap election has caused the Guardianista class to lose their minds. Martin Kettle writes that “Theresa May in Downing Street sounded like Turkey’s authoritarian president Recep Tayyip Erdoğan”. This is just bonkers. Erdogan is an Islamist autocrat who rules under a state of emergency, jailing political opponents, arresting journalists, controlling the airwaves, censoring social media and passing a law which could see him stay in power until 2029. Theresa May has called an election.

This tweet from Chuka Umunna is even more ridiculous. In the space of 20 words Chuka suggests May is behaving like a dictator because “she called an election”. Funny kind of dictator. It is just an election, chill out lefties…

Owen Jones Tells Corbyn to Consider Handover Agreement

After the Copeland result Owen Jones warned “this is not sustainable” and promised to write a Guardian column on Corbyn and Labour over the weekend. Well, it has just gone out – Owen tells Corbyn to consider a handover “agreement” to a younger left-wing Labour pretender:

“Corbyn is a decent, honourable and principled man. He has to make a decision, and so do his parliamentary opponents. Whatever happens with the leadership, he needs to set out a clear and coherent strategy about how exactly Labour can overcome its existential crisis. Since the byelection rout, he has made it clear he isn’t going anywhere without even offering the vaguest outlines about how to turn it around. That isn’t good enough: again, consider the stakes. Both he and his team have to think hard. If Corbyn decides he is unable to confront the multiple existential crises enveloping Labour, then an agreement should be struck where he can stand down in exchange for the guarantee of an MP from the new generation on the ballot paper who is committed to the policies that inspired Corbyn’s supporters in the first place. It is up to both Corbyn and the parliamentary Labour party. They should both be aware that history is a savage judge.

I understand the dilemma torturing so many who supported Corbyn. Lifelong commitment to a good and noble cause; fear that if Corbyn falls the cause will fall with him; yet fear that his project is failing badly and risks destroying the cause in any case. Not only the future of Labour but the future of this country depends on what the party decides. Either we become a country riddled with hatred and fear, a playground for billionaires, that slashes support for the working poor and disabled people, that runs down and flogs off the services we depend on; or a country run in the interests of the real wealth creators, working people.”

To paraphrase, either Corbyn stays and loses massively in 2020, destroying the hard-left for a generation, or he steps down and socialism lives to fight another day…

Bloomberg Thinks Bankers Bluffing About Brexodus

Remember that mass exodus from the City of London that was supposed to happen after the vote to Leave? In October British Bankers’ Association boss Anthony Browne predicted major banks would relocate in the first few months of 2017. The Observer reported:

“Britain’s biggest banks are preparing to relocate out of the UK in the first few months of 2017 amid growing fears over the impending Brexit negotiations, while smaller banks are making plans to get out before Christmas.”

At the time Guido offered Browne a £1,000 bet that not one leading bank will give up its UK banking licence next year to relocate to the EU.

As we enter March, even the City’s Remain-campaign-funding house journal Bloomberg is wondering “Are banks bluffing?”. Today they quote several City bosses who believe talk of an exodus is bluster. Jason Kennedy, CEO of finance recruitment firm Kennedy Group says:

“[The banks] are a bit like dogs backed into a corner and barking — it’s just noise. This is all about applying as much pressure as possible on the government to get the best deal. What have the banks have got to lose? Scream the house down and see what happens.”

“Barclays is planning to move only 150 jobs from London, if any”, Bloomberg reports, quoting their CEO Jes Staley:

“We don’t believe Brexit will result in a significant move of people away from London.”

“senior bank executive” believes “The banks are bluffing” and HSBC won’t move as many people as they have been threatening. And “One European banking boss quipped that the only way France would be top of his list would be if you turned it upside down”. Guido’s bet is still open to any takers…

Pro-Trump Twitter Bots Pumping Out Guardian Links

This is a weird one: a co-conspirator has noticed that large numbers of pro-Trump Twitter bots are endlessly pumping out links to the Guardian‘s website. Accounts with names like @TroopsTrump, @ViewTrump, @TrumpNoticie and @DonaldsNewws have been programmed by unknown persons to automatically tweet out Guardian stories, often about Brexit. The accounts have real human followers, meaning the automated tweets will be driving traffic towards the Guardian’s website, as well as inflating their social media sharing stats. Guido is stumped as to why someone controlling pro-Trump accounts would want to do this. Putin knows Seumas has left the Guardian, right?

Guardian Finds Support for UKIP in Stoke

Watch this Guardian video by John Harris and you might think UKIP are going to win in Stoke:

You can get 3/1 at the bookies

Guardian Won’t Pay Ethnic Minority Interns

The Guardian is offering an internship to Black, Asian and Minority Ethnic wannabe journos – but it won’t pay them. An advert states:

“The Guardian believes there should be a better representation of our diverse society in journalism, and each summer offers up to 12 two-week placements for students or graduates from BAME backgrounds… The scheme is unpaid, though reasonable daily travel expenses will be reimbursed.”

The following Guardian pieces will make good introductory reading for its lucky new interns:

Campaign group Intern Aware tell Guido: “For this scheme to be successful, The Guardian needs to ensure it’s affordable, particularly for people who don’t live in London.” Easy day one task: “Find me a story on unpaid internships!”

Seumas Officially Leaves Guardian

Guardian editor Kath Viner emails staff:

“I’m writing to let you know that, following a period of unpaid leave from Guardian News & Media, Seumas Milne has decided to continue in his role as the Labour party’s strategy and communications director, and is leaving the staff of the Guardian.

I would like to thank Seumas for his brilliant Guardian journalism, and we hope he’ll write for us again in the future.”

At last…

Sheen Comes off Guardian’s Brexit Luvvie Scoop

The Guardian breathlessly reported the conversion of Michael Sheen from luvvie-land board-treading to hardcore political activism this weekend:

“Michael Sheen plans to abandon his acting career to fight what he calls the rise of the “hard populist right” in Britain and beyond.”

The piece boasted:

“Although he has been based in Los Angeles for the past 14 years, home remains the South Wales steel town of Port Talbot, which voted overwhelmingly for Brexit in the June referendum – a result that initially left the actor “sad and frustrated” but then determined to fight back.”

Unfortunately, by Sheen’s own admission, none of this is true. The actor – whose agent must have had a fit – posted a blog on his personal Tumblr feed later the same day completely denying the story:

“I did one interview with The Times of London a few weeks ago, parts of which (including a headline that is not a quote) have been picked up by a lot of other outlets. I DID NOT declare that I’m ‘quitting acting and leaving Hollywood’ to go into politics.”

He continued:

“I certainly did NOT equate people who voted for Brexit or Trump with a fascistic ‘hard right’ that must be stopped. The majority of people in the U.K., including my hometown of Port Talbot, voted for Brexit. That is the will of the people and is to be respected. That is democracy.”

The Guardian’s piece remains uncorrected…

BBC: Thatcher Most Influential Woman of Last 70 Years

Maggie Thatcher will top the Radio 4 Woman’s Hour Power List today, a roll of honour that “celebrates the seven women who’ve made the biggest impact on women’s lives over the past seven decades”. Awkward for Auntie, who broke its own golden rule of news writing – always put the most important line first – to bury Thatcher’s victory in the fourth paragraph of an online piece. Instead they led with Bridget Jones, who came sixth out of seven on the list. Meanwhile, from The Guardian:

One panel member, Ayesha Hazarika, a former adviser to the Labour MP Harriet Harman, said she felt “uncomfortable” with the choice of Thatcher, but said the list was about celebrating impact “both positive and negative”.

As the Mrs T once said: “I owe nothing to Women’s Lib”…

Owen Jones’ Trotskyist Journey

In August Owen Jones blasted Tom Watson for saying Momentum is ridden with Trots:

“The political significance of British Trotskyism is minimal… in the grand scheme of things, they are just irrelevant… There are too few Trotskyist activists to have any decisive impact on a party as big as Labour now is.”

Then in September Owen attacked Channel 4 for their exposé on Momentum Trots, saying the group have been:

“demonised by the media as a sinister rabble of Trotskyist infiltrators… Rather than being led by revolutionary disciples of Leon Trotsky, most of Momentum’s leaders aren’t really ideologues of any sort”

Today Owen says – wait for it – Momentum is ridden with Trotskyist entryists!

“Momentum is currently facing a takeover bid by Trotskyist sectarians. If they succeed, Momentum will be destroyed. The most prominent sectarian figures are embittered veterans of struggles from the 1970s and 80s, people who have only experienced defeat, and who won’t let an unexpected opportunity afforded by the seismic political developments of the last two years slip through their fingers. This is their last chance. They jump from organisation to organisation, and are adept at manipulating internal structures for their own advantage: sitting out long boring meetings, coordinating interventions, playing victim when it suits. They’re not interested in say, door-to-door campaigning, but rather in debating their obscure pet issues with long-winded interventions at meetings on a Thursday evening.”

So Owen was completely wrong all along, not that he’s going to admit that to readers of his Guardian column. Will he be apologising to Tom Watson and Channel 4?

Was The Guardian Spoofed By Alt-Right Hoax?

alt

There has been much speculation about the above Guardian article after renowned Twitter hoaxer Godfrey Elfwick claimed he had spoofed them into publishing a parody piece mocking liberals. The anonymous article purports to tell the story of how a lefty became an alt-righter. But was it legit? Eflwick, a satirist who has previously succeeded in hoaxing several other national news organisations, claims he was the author:

The Guardian themselves are not 100% sure, they will only tell Guido they are “confident” they haven’t messed up:

“We are confident of the identity of the author and the sourcing of the article in question.” 

It certainly reads like a spoof, then again with The Guardian comment pages it’s hard to tell…

Media Guardian’s Sneer at City AM Backfires

roy-g

“Are you rich enough to bid for a City AM internship?” sneers Roy Greenslade at Media Guardian this morning, reporting that the business freesheet is auctioning off work experience to the highest bidder. “Open to all who have plenty of capital,” sniffs the Guardian. Bravely. 

It’s an odd thing to get upset about since City AM’s initiative is for charity. The money raised is being given to Maggie’s cancer centres, which offer support to cancer victims. Even odder that Greenslade would attack newspapers charging for work experience, given just last year the Guardian charged £600 for a summer work experience placement. The difference? City AM are giving the money to charity, the Guardian kept the cash for themselves…

You can bid for the City AM work experience here. Money goes to Maggie’s.

Woman Sucks Donkey C*ck on Guardian Front Page

donkey-cock-6

The Guardian have been made to look an ass after a third-party advertising network posted a photo of a woman performing oral sex on a donkey on the front page of their website. Guido has pixellated the image above. Expecting kickback, the Guardian appear to have now closed down all third party network ads on their site. Mule’ll be sorry if you’re the ad network responsible. No braying at the back…

UPDATE: 


As much as we are enjoying the speculation as to our online entertainment, this was in fact sent in by a reader. We originally had a phone call, which we dismissed as improbable. Then we got sent a screenshot from a second source…

Jenny Tonge: Rise in Anti-Semitism is Israel’s Fault

jenny

LibDem peer Jenny Tonge has worked out who is to blame for the rise in anti-Semitism: Israel, of course! ‘Jihad Jenny’ sent this letter to the Guardian yesterday. They decided against printing it but Guido reproduces it below:

Subject: Tough on anti Semitism/ tough on the causes of anti Semitism?

Dear Sir,

The recent Select Committee Report on anti Semitism is to be welcomed, but it would have been more useful if it had investigated the causes of anti Semitism too. It is difficult to believe that a 75% increase in anti Semitism it reports, have been committed by people who simply hate Jewish people for no reason. It is surely the case that these incidents are reflecting the disgust amongst the general public of the way the government of Israel treats Palestinians and manipulates the USA and ourselves to take no action against that country’s blatant disregard of International Law and the Geneva Conventions…

Be tough on the causes of anti Semitism as well as the loathsome sentiment itself.

Yours sincerely,
Dr Jenny Tonge

Cuckoo.

Guardian Blasts Own Editors For Traingate Blunder, BuzzFeed Turned Story Down

train

An internal Guardian investigation has blasted the paper’s editors for publishing the original Traingate story by a freelance journalist who turned out to be a Trot. The Guardian readers’ editor rubbishes the article as “a kind of gonzo news release by two Corbyn supporters”, concluding that the paper “misled” its readers and that editors’ “pre-publication checks and balances failed”. Turns out the freelance filmmaker who shot the pictures of the Labour leader sitting on the floor was being paid by the Jeremy For Leader campaign. The Trotskyite freelance journalist who wrote the story wasn’t even on the train. The authors first pitched their pro-Jez propaganda to BuzzFeed, who embarrassingly for the Guardian smelled a rat and turned it down. Standards at Kings Place were alas significantly lower…

Guardian Launch Investigation Into Trot’s Traingate Coverage

train

MediaGuido understands the Guardian has launched an internal investigation after it emerged its original “traingate” news report was written by a Trot under a pseudonym. Private Eye found that “Charles B. Anthony”, who had the byline for the fictitious story about Corbyn sitting on the floor, was in fact a former Socialist Workers Party member called Anthony Casey. Somehow they published the news report filed by this Corbynista freelancer, which turned out to be a pack of lies. The Guardian readers’ editor is now investigating how their editorial integrity was rather embarrassingly breached. “Facts are sacred”, after all…

Polly Toynbee’s Shameless Grammar Schools Front

toynbee

Polly Toynbee today attacks Theresa May’s grammar school plans, arguing that segregation by social class is “irrational” and claiming grammars add to “splits and divisions” in society. She has some front. Polly herself failed her 11-plus and attended the independent Badminton School.[…] Read the rest

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Tory MP Nick Boles says what everyone thinks…

“There is a timidity and lack of ambition about Mrs May’s Government which means it constantly disappoints. Time to raise your game, Prime Minister.”

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