Coffey Forgets Environmental Achievements After Too Much Christmas Partying

Thérèse Coffey took to one of the last Westminster Christmas parties of the season last night, for the Conservative Environment Network’s annual do. During her speech, delivered sporting a Father Christmas hat, Coffey claimed she is the voice of the plants and the fungi, referred to herself in third person, and apologised for some of what’s happened this year. “Can I hope you enjoy a fabulous Christmas, I’m very sorry for some of the things that happened along the way!”   

The most enjoyable moment came when the ex-DPM tried reeling off some of her department’s achievements of the last few months, only to have to ask the eco-audience for help before admitting she’d spend the day partying with her civil servants:

“In two months since arriving as Secretary of State, we have delivered those targets, we’ve laid the statutory instruments, we’ve achieved the negotiations today on the fisheries, what else have we done today? We’ve made sure that we’ve actually put more money into making sure the sustainable farming initiative  will have more take-up of farmers, we’ve signed off the new environment land management scheme… I’m trying to remember… I’ve actually had my Christmas do today with my civil servants so that’s why I’m so effusive! And why I’m wearing this [hat]!

Coffey’s certainly the government voice of funguys…

mdi-timer 21 December 2022 @ 10:09 21 Dec 2022 @ 10:09 mdi-twitter mdi-facebook mdi-whatsapp mdi-telegram mdi-linkedin mdi-email mdi-comment View Comments
Labour Sucks Up to Big Business

Labour’s efforts to climb into bed with big businesses continue this evening, with yet another swanky drinks reception over in Canary Wharf. Rachel Reeves will lead the prawn cocktail offensive, with around 350 tycoons gathering to hear her plans to make the UK friendlier to startups. It’s one of those irregular verbs: Tories offer cash for access, Labour conducts business engagement…

Among the big names expected to woo the crowd is none other than Tesco boss John Allan, who’ll explain how sucking up to enterprise could land yet another blow to the Tories’ fundraising efforts. Every little helps…

Allan is no stranger to getting down to business. Back in 1998, he made headlines in The Sun over a certain breach of contract:

“A millionaire was granted an historic divorce because his wife banned saucy sex acts, it was revealed yesterday. Tycoon John Allan, 49, said Polish-born Ewa stopped performing oral sex. He said their sex life had deteriorated after she became deeply religious .[..] The businessman, who has just pocketed £1.5million profit from selling shares, was granted a divorce in the High Court on the grounds of his wife’s unreasonable behaviour […]

A top legal expert said: “It is the first time I’ve heard of a case of whether a wife performs certain sexual favours coming into it. It seems the court is saying that a wife is obliged to provide extra services in the bedroom.” The judge, assistant recorder Alison Hall QC, said the couple’s sex life began to decline from mid-1994 “because of the wife’s disinclination to perform certain sexual acts, previously enjoyed, on principle.”

With Labour hoping to get lucky at the next election, who better to show them how it’s done?

mdi-timer 8 December 2022 @ 09:11 8 Dec 2022 @ 09:11 mdi-twitter mdi-facebook mdi-whatsapp mdi-telegram mdi-linkedin mdi-email mdi-comment View Comments
Finnish PM Apologises for Topless Photo Taken During Party

After passing her self-inflicted drug test, the Finnish PM has now had to apologise after a photo emerged of two young female influencers snogging whilst topless. This is starting to make Partygate look mild…

The photo was uploaded to TikTok by well-known Finnish influencer Sabina Sarkka, of her and another influencer kissing topless, upholding their modesty with a sign saying “Finland”. Taken at the PM’s official residence in Helsinki…

Footage from the party has also emerged of the PM dancing —  grinding — with said influencer later on in the evening. No sign of the party finnishing early…

The image has now, unfortunately, been taken down* and PM Sanna Marin said, “In my opinion, the picture is not appropriate. I apologise for it.” This whole story is proving fantastic free advertising for the country’s tourism board…

*Guido’s managed to recover the original TikTok, though it’s just a photo over music…

mdi-timer 24 August 2022 @ 13:53 24 Aug 2022 @ 13:53 mdi-twitter mdi-facebook mdi-whatsapp mdi-telegram mdi-linkedin mdi-email mdi-comment View Comments
Finland’s Partying PM Tests Negative for Drugs

Finland’s young party animal PM, Sanna Marin, has tested negative in a drug test taken after a video emerged of her having fun dancing with friends. Marin took the test to preemptively prove her innocence, with her office saying she had been drinking lightly, had not taken drugs, and was always in an appropriate condition in which to “lead the country.” Guido hopes her ministers all learn this new line to take…

mdi-timer 22 August 2022 @ 16:45 22 Aug 2022 @ 16:45 mdi-twitter mdi-facebook mdi-whatsapp mdi-telegram mdi-linkedin mdi-email mdi-comment View Comments
Dance-Off: Liz Truss vs Finnish PM Sanna Marin

For some reason, Finland’s PM Sanna Marin is facing a backlash for the crime of knowing how to party. She’s not the only one who likes to bust a few moves, though. Only question is, who did it better…

mdi-timer 18 August 2022 @ 17:15 18 Aug 2022 @ 17:15 mdi-twitter mdi-facebook mdi-whatsapp mdi-telegram mdi-linkedin mdi-email mdi-comment View Comments
WATCH: Rishi Jokes About Green Card and Jeremy Hunt’s Leadership Ambitions
mdi-timer 28 June 2022 @ 20:05 28 Jun 2022 @ 20:05 mdi-twitter mdi-facebook mdi-whatsapp mdi-telegram mdi-linkedin mdi-email mdi-comment View Comments
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