Tequila Scammers: Lansman’s Late Night Secret Election

Momentum is supposedly a grassroots organisation run by the people, for the people. So how do they elect their national representatives? Meet Frankie Leach, a 19 year-old International Politics student at Manchester Met. Frankie is also a Momentum activist who spent Saturday night boozing with the group’s boss Jon Lansman.

She tweeted at 1:06 a.m.
tweet 1With picture evidence (that’s Lansman on the right):

tweet 2

3 minutes later at 1:09 a.m., congratulations were in order:
tweet 3

Guido has no idea what happened in those three minutes, but lefty sources claim Lansman went from a tequila slammer to a sham of an election. Just what did the 58 year old silver fox, who appears to drink cider and black, see in Frankie?

Junior Doctors Jet Off on Cut-Price Val d’Isere Junket

Just as well junior doctors called off the second of their three planned strikes, scheduled for this week, because hundreds of them are jetting off to Val d’Isere today. Over the next 72 hours doctors are attending their annual winter conference, which has been held at the premier French ski resort for years. The good news is there are still 133 last-minute tickets left for doctors-in-training, at a reduced rate of £330. Medical students qualify for concessions at £210. It is even tax deductible if attendees present an eight-minute report or short paper.

Lectures include “What it takes to win”, “When things go wrong” and “Being sued”. Though far more exciting are the special offers available:

“Val d’Isere is considered to be the world’s premier ski resort. It offers the best skiing together with lively après ski. There are several ski companies offering special DoctorsUpdates rates for delegates in Val d’isere.”

Wonder if they’ll have any snappers for company at the “lively après ski”…

The trip finishes up on Wednesday with the 25th annual St George’s Cup Slalom Race:

“On the Wednesday we hold the great annual St George’s Cup Slalom Race. The rules of the race are cleverly devised so that skiers of all abilities can take part with an equal chance of success. Every competitor completes two timed runs down the same slalom course. The person whose second time most closely matches their first is the winner. This difference is sometimes as close as hundredths of a second!”

Good to see those £30,000-£70,000 junior doctors’ salaries aren’t going to waste!

2 Million More Problem Drinkers Created By Government

ALCOHOL-LIMITS

Victory for the public health lobby fun police as the Department of Health announces its intention to lower the recommended limit for alcohol consumption from 21 to 14 units per week for men. For some context, the USA’s limit is 24.5 units, France 26, Italy 31.5, and Spain 35 units. Yet British men are being told they should only drink five pints per week…

Industry sources say this means the number of men drinking at what Department of Health calls “increasing risk” rises from 16% to 26% overnight. That’s around 2 million more men labelled binge drinkers by the government. Cheers for that…

Last Orders at Labour’s Old Local

In something of a metaphor for the state of the Labour party, their once favoured pub has sadly closed down. The Tapster was – helpfully for long-suffering staffers needing to drown their sorrows – located underneath their former party HQ at Brewer’s Green. They had a decent wine list and did a passable crispy duck confit, while their sheltered booths were handy for a clandestine lunch. A statement on their website says: “Unfortunately Tapster has now closed, and will not be re-opening”. The loss of Labour Party staffers from the office above crying in to their beers and drinking to forget has inevitably led to closure…

Osborne’s Pre-Spending Review Bash Gets Out of Hand

george

Corridor colleagues complain that a party held at George Osborne’s MP office last week got a little out of hand. Not only were empty wine bottles strewn across the floor outside, the landing now stinks of booze and a light-fingered reveller even nicked the sign with the Chancellor’s name from the door. “It was raucous,” says an unimpressed colleague. Hic!

Bugg Off: Dugher’s Late Night Soho Gig Cut Short

dggher

‘Lightning Bolt’ singer-songwriter Jake Bugg treated MPs to an impromptu performance in parliament as part of the BBC’s LetItBeeb campaign against cuts to music services. Afterwards Bugg wound up going for a “quick pint” with Shadow Culture Secretary Michael Dugher. Hours later, the pair were in a Soho bar where Jake decided to get his guitar out for a quick song. The manager of the establishment however had other ideas, walking briskly over to tell Jake to put it away. Dugher remonstrated with him that this was a platinum selling artist performing a free gig. “Alright, one song but that’s it,” replied the manager. Clearly not a fan…

Strictly De Kirchner

Well-known Corbynista and Argentinian President Cristina de Kirchner has delighted supporters by spontaneously dancing at a campaign rally in Buenos Aires:

This isn’t the first time she has let loose, having cut some shapes to Ninel Conde’s “El bombón asesino” in December of last year:

Partying like it’s 1983…

Corbyn Dances to “F**k You” as Stalin Looks On

Jeremy Corbyn found himself mobbed by a harem of tipsy fans at last night’s Mirror party. He politely shuffled his feet to Cee Lo Green’s “F**k You” but made his exit once his female admirers began throwing themselves at him:

Looking down upon him from the wall of Brighton Revolutions?

While female MPs were unimpressed by the #EverydaySexism on show:

See if you can spot an unlikely fan coming face to face with Jezza in the video…

“F**k You” – SNP MP Tells Commons Barmaid

WikiGuido profiles the new SNP intake in the new issue of Spectator Life:

Standing on chairs in Parliament’s Sports and Social bar, a band of portly gentlemen are bellowing out Scottish folk songs. A young barmaid, only in her early twenties yet a seasoned veteran when it comes to turfing out unruly Westminster soaks, approaches a new SNP MP and politely asks him to pack it in. Words are exchanged. Multiple witnesses allege a drunken ‘f— you’ is uttered. Defeated, the barmaid retreats behind the bar to mocking male laughter. So upset is she by the incident, she will leave her job a few weeks later. ‘They’re only just getting started,’ sighs a Labour wag as he reaches for his coat. The conquering horde of Scots Nats have come to town and they are making themselves heard.

Champagne, fancy flats and swanky restaurants, read the full piece here

Red, Red, Whine: Greek MEP Moans About Half Hour Plonk Wait

MEPs on the Brussels gravy train have been treated to a revamped gourmet catering service. The new menu features delights such as ‘Chavignol crottin cheese with bacon, thyme and honey’ for a starter, followed by ‘Striploin limousin with roquefort sauce’ and then ‘Chocolate moelleux with salted butter’ for dessert.

menu

Though not everyone is satisfied.

Greek MEP Eleni Theocharous fired off a lengthy complaint airing her grave concerns about the quality of service, copying in the entire MEP mailing list for good measure:

“I hope that the new provider will principally give priority to the food quality and to the service. What we need is good quality food, fresh and clean ingredients, no processed, conserved food. Speaking for the MEPs Restaurant, many times most of the buffets suggestions are harshly recognisable and sometimes with no taste at all. Gourmet kitchen is excellent but not at the expense of quality. Simpler is better… and healthier!”

Going on to moan about suffering an appalling thirty minute wait for a glass of vino:

“As for the service, most of the personnel is kind and they try their best, but especially at the MEPs Restaurant, the provider has to hire more people. We are people on the run all the time, we have little time to eat and many times we use this restaurant for professional reasons. We cannot wait for a glass of wine or a dish for 30 minutes…”

Lucky Greece doesn’t have any more pressing demands at the minute…

Who Squealed?

The hunt is on to find out which current Tory MP and contemporary of Dave at Oxford squealed. Guido makes no allegations about any of those listed below for information purposes only…

  • Michael Gove: He was a gossipy young wannabe journalist at the time and enjoyed a wild university experience himself. Most famously Gove was accused in the Cherwell student newspaper of participating in a “five-in-a-bed romp” while president of the Oxford Union debating society.
  • Rory Stewart: According to lifelong friend Felix Martin, Rory was a leading member of the Piers Gaveston Society”, the debauched Oxford club at which Dave allegedly did the deed. A few years younger than the future PM, though…
  • Boris Johnson: A former Buller man and also reportedly an alumnus of Piers Gaveston, Boris was famously snapped with Dave in the picture they tried to ban. Is there another more revealing photo in existence?
  • Ed Vaizey: Was at Oxford at the same time as Dave, where he was known as “Tubby Teddy” or “Fat Eddie“. Like Dave, also one of the Notting Hill set.
  • Mark Field: Two years above Cameron, the Tory backbencher was news editor of Cherwell and renowned for his own youthful exuberance. When he ended his term as Junior Common Room president, Field apparentlyran round the college quad between the strokes of midnight singing the Red Flag, naked except for a pair of boxer shorts, his bare skin coated in baby oil“.
  • Mark Harper: A couple of years below Dave, Harper is a fellow Brasenose College alumnus, and was another PPEist. Now Cameron’s chief whip…
  • Nick Boles: A year older than Cameron at Oxford, where he was a young Tory activist and another Notting Hill setter.

So, whodunnit?

Pic via @GeneralBoles

#PigGate #SnoutRage: Internet Reacts

According to Lord Ashcroft and a single-source unnamed Tory MP, David Cameron placed “a private part of his anatomy” into a dead pig’s mouth during an initiation at Oxford. This is how the internet responded to the news:

The packed out Lobby briefing this morning is going to be about hamage control…

Burnham ‘Just Checking Out’ Westminster Bubble

There was Guido making his way through the heart of the Westminster bubble last night, when who did he happen to stumble across? Only man of t’people Andy Burnham, posing for photos outside the Westminster Arms, the definitive core of the SW1 bubble. What on earth was an outsider like Andy doing at the very epicentre of the metropolitan elite? “I just thought I’d come and check out the bubble,” he told Guido.

Burnham was in a bullish mood about his chances last night, telling Guido “we can still do it” and insisting that second preferences meant he was the only candidate who can stop Corbyn. Of course Cooper’s people say the same about her. Keen to quickly get away from the bubble, Andy rejected the offer of a pint from a supporter and made his exit… to his flat less than a mile away in Kennington…

Osborne Mocks Labour Contest: “I’ve Got Three More Votes Left to Cast”

George Osborne just about recovered from his 2011 w*nker joke faux pas to land the coveted GQ Politician of the Year award at the Royal Opera House last night.

Westminster style icon Osborne was presented the award by his friend Bob Geldof, who revealed he personally called the Chancellor the day before to give him an ear-bashing about the refugee crisis. George’s gags were much better received this time, including an obligatory dig at the Labour leadership contest:

“The Labour leadership contest hasn’t got long to go and I’ve got three more votes left to cast”

Piers certainly enjoyed it…

The ever-svelte Osborne had a whole table sorted for his top Treasury team, though they quickly slipped off before the after party for prettier guests. GQ Politician of the Year 2016: Jezza Corbyn and his vest…?

Corbynistas Plan to ‘Drink Blood of Thatcher’

Jeremy Corbyn’s supporters will be partying like it’s 1983 at the Speakeasy Bar in Epping tomorrow night. The Corbyn campaign is sponsoring an official ‘Cocktails for Corbyn‘ bash, offering drinks such as “Dianne Abbotts” [sic], described as “Champagne Socialist Martinis”, and “Kier Hardie” Old Fashioneds. Also on the menu are “Bloody Margarets“, a rather tasteless reference to the late Lady Thatcher. Only 11 people have RSVP’d so far, seems Essex isn’t a Corbynista heartland. Bloodthirsty Reds…

Corbynistas Already Planning Victory Rally

There might be a month until the ballot closes, but that hasn’t stopped some excitable Corbyn supporters from organising a mass “victory party” for their man on September 12:

Nearly 1,000 people have already signed up to attend the event, which sounds just great:

Will they be flying the red flag through the streets of London, or are they a tad premature?

Hop-ocalypse Now: Beer Would Run Out in Corbyn’s Britain

Bitter Blairite critics say the Draught Corbyn campaign couldn’t organise a piss up in a brewey, and the evidence from Venezuela suggests this is not hop-perbole. The socialist paradise is running out of beer after its main brewer was forced to shut because of a lack of imported barley:

“Members of some of the dozens of unions representing Polar workers have limited distribution of the small bottles of light beer that are favored in Venezuela.”

With Chavista Jez still a-head in the polls, his team will at the very yeast need to craft a careful response and not just dismiss this as froth. Let this be an amber warning to Corbyn supporters…

Wintour is Coming… To Serve the Beverages

plane

It sounds like Guardian Pol Ed Patrick Wintour enjoyed flying with the PM back from Asia. The Speccie have the inside story from 35,000 feet:

“Wintour – who appeared to be enjoying the champagne on offer – decided the time had come for him to be a trolley dolly and assisted an air hostess by taking the other end of the trolley.

To the surprise of ministers on the plane, he made his way down the aisle putting ice and lemon in the cups, and getting drinks out of the drawers on his side of the trolley, repeatedly shouting ‘this is so easy’.”

Must have been the jet lag…

End of an Era…

End of an error, more like…

Blogging May Be Light…

anchorman

It’s Neo-Guido’s leaving lunch this afternoon.

Guido will be drowning his sorrows down the pub later, come buy him a Guinness. Usual place…[…] Read the rest

+ READ MORE +



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Quote of the Day

Tory MP Nick Boles says what everyone thinks…

“There is a timidity and lack of ambition about Mrs May’s Government which means it constantly disappoints. Time to raise your game, Prime Minister.”

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